WBet you want to hear all about the superstar defence witness who’s threatening to sew up the R Kelly child pornography trial once and for all, right?

Of course you do. That’s terribly exciting news. But you’re not going to hear anything about that for a while – not when an expert FBI forensic video analyst has dropped the huge bomb that the man in the piddle-heavy R Kelly sex tape is probably R Kelly.

Alright, so maybe ‘probably’ is pushing it a little. What he actually said was that it wasn’t very likely that anyone had digitally superimposed R Kelly’s face onto the sex tape – a shock testimony that, if it is to be believed, immediately narrows the list of potential suspects down to a) R Kelly and b) every single man on Earth who isn’t R Kelly. This is nailbiting stuff, people.

But first! The mystery R Kelly defence witness from yesterday – what in the name of heck is all that about? Well, a few details have started to emerge, and now we can see why everyone’s got so poopy-pantsed about it.

Apparently, the witness is a woman who can refute another woman’s testimony that she had a threesome with R Kelly and the 13-year-old Backstreet Boys knicker-wetter.

And the call from this witness couldn’t have come at a better time for R Kelly’s defence, because it’s been proverbially shitting the bed so far. But not in a sexy underage way that R Kelly would probably find arousing if he was guilty of his charges, which he so far isn’t – this is more in a ‘do a bad job and send R Kelly to jail for 15 years’ way.

So far, the R Kelly child pornography trial has basically been an unceasing stream of witnesses taking turns to identify the man in the R Kelly sex tape as R Kelly and the girl in the R Kelly sex tape to be who everyone thinks it is. And even though both R Kelly and the girl deny any involvement in the tape, R Kelly’s former assistent says that it’s him and the victim’s friends and family say it’s her.

But that meant nothing because, from the noises it was making during cross-examination, the defence had an ace up its sleeve – what if the sex tape had been digitally manipulated? What if the R Kelly sex tape didn’t star R Kelly at all, but instead was the work of someone painstaking grafting an image of R Kelly’s face onto the man’s body? What about that, huh? Argue against that! Why don’t you get an FBI forensic video analyst in to say it isn’t reasonably possible? Huh?

So the prosecution did. And that’s what he said. E! Online reports:

George Skaluba, a forensic video analyst for the FBI, testified Thursday during the R&B star’s child-porn trial that the copy in the court’s possession depicts “real people in a real environment,” although he couldn’t be absolutely certain that the original wasn’t doctored in some way. Skaluba couldn’t determine how many levels of copying the tape currently in the court’s possession went through, but he concluded it would have been costly and “very, very time consuming and very hard” to manipulate the faces and/or the actions of the male and female on the original copy.

with this video alteration argument ruled out for the time being, that means that the man in the tape definitely is the man in the tape. Honestly, we don’t see why they don’t just lock R Kelly up now. Or anyone else who looks enough like R Kelly to feasibly pass for him in a blurry, almost decade-old illegal sex tape. Where’s the justice?