Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.

See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.

If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.

Osbourne has had many run-ins with her ex-fiance – Luke Worrall – and this week, he really did pick a lousy time to start airing the dirty linen.

At some point, he obviously remembered that his ex had just lost a mate, and hastily deleted his tweets aimed at Kelly. Sadly for him, she’d already seen them.

After returning and seeing what he wrote, she responded:

“@luke_worrall you’ve made it very clear u only dated me 4 my life style but s*** tweets about me the day im @ a funeral u have hit a new low.”

Fair enough. She wasn’t done though.

“@luke_worrall it was fine when my Kellyphant ass was paying 4everything wasn’t it? i just didn’t think u could get much lower but u did #wow.”

Kellyphant? Crikey. That’s beneath even us!

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What do you do when you’re feeling lonely? If you’ve got a partner away on business, the easiest thing to do is go camping and shit in a hedge. Right? We say that because this is precisely what Justin Bieber has decided to do while Selena Gomez is away with work.

The foetal singing sensation is pining for Selena who is in London promoting some crap or other,  while wondering why all those seemingly nice young women persist in wishing she was dead.

Of course, the best thing to do when deprived of the one you love is to deprive yourself of absolutely everything. No electricity, no toilets, proper bed to sleep in… and bears. Bears who want to eat the spine out of you. Wouldn’t it be awful if Justin B got attacked by a ravenous bear? Think about it. Terrible.

Anyway, Bieber has gone camping with his family because, after all, he’s only 2 years old. It’d be weird if he went on holiday on his own. There’s dirty men who do things to children left alone. We know this after seeing the documentary ‘Home Alone’.

Via twitter, Bieber enlightened us all with his razor sharp mind:

“Enjoying time with my family literally in the middle of nowhere, but this nowhere place is pretty beautiful.”

So beautiful is Bieber’s current surroundings that he’s planning on doing the impossible while there…

“On the water about to have a camp fire. Camping is legit.”

Get that? He’s gone out into nature to set water on fire. This will of course incur the wrath of the Gods who will send the worst creatures of the woodland to tear the teeny-weeny singer to pieces right before his parents eyes.

How lovely. In fairness, he’s only got himself to blame.

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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.

Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.

Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.

That’s right kiddiewinks, Kelly’s pooch, Noodles, has been ‘put to sleep’ (or, if you’re being honest, terminated with a syringe of poison) which has left her ‘devastated’.

Apparently, this lesser being (we’re talking about the dog here) was exterminated without prejudice after it was discovered that it had an incurable brain defect. No, we don’t care either. Let us get this clear – a dog called Noodles, which is a Pomeranian or something, had a seizure and then got killed.

Not that Kelly sees it through rational eyes.

She said:

“My poor baby girl Noodles is sick. She had a seizure and they don’t know why I’m taking her to see a specialist 2 hours away for a brain scan. I can’t even look at my baby girl with out crying she just looks so sick and helpless.(sic)”

She later tweeted:

“Noodles is not going to make it. She was born with a brain defect and I have to put her to sleep today. I’m devastated. I just cant believe it. (sic)”

The world is potentially going to cry its entire reserves of water over this because this TRAGEDY comes a matter of weeks after Kelly almost lost another dog. A dog called Sid. Sid who died after accidentally swallowing some chewing gum. Chewing gum still in the wrapper.

Stupid fucking canines.

“Poor Sid ate half a packet of chewing gum, last week and I had to rush him to the vet. There’s Xylitol – a sweetener – in gum, which is the dog equivalent of giving cyanide to humans. It causes their blood sugar to drop and shuts down liver functions. He’s fine now, but it was traumatic. The vet thinks, because he chewed it with the paper on, it didn’t go into his system as quickly as it could have, which saved his life.”

Last July, her puppy Woody died aged just 14 weeks old from unknown causes.

At the time, Kelly said:

“My life could not get any worse right now I come home to find my dog Woody is dead.”

So there you have it. Kelly Osbourne. Her house is like Auschwitz for dogs.

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It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz.

First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young – a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through.

It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler.

Oh, no, wait – screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity.

Fucking men!

Stories are never black and white though and for all we know Cameron could just be a supremely irritating person to be around now.

Especially now Gerard’s left her, which has multiplied the mourning.

“Oh, I don’t want to have sex right now, my dad’s dead, waaah waaah”. If you were as handsome as Gerard Butler, could you put up with that? We only live once – as Emilio’ll testify – can we really be expected to dilly-dally around with upset loved-ones?

The mourning could go on for months, years even! And when you stop to consider there’s six million sperm as sought-after as Gerard’s, all of them eager to burst into the world, can we really blame him?

Of course we can, he is utter scum – unless he isn’t.

According to the Mirror:

“While Cam mourned her dad, the PS I Love You star was seen swapping saliva with Cheryl Burke – a pro on US TV show Dancing With The Stars.The couple were fawning all over one another at a bash thrown by US Weekly mag at Beso restaurant in LA. We’re told: ‘He was in the VIP section when Cheryl came up to him. After some banter he gave her a passionate snog in front of everyone’.”

Cheryl Burke – didn’t she used to present Record Breakers? What’s he thinking? We’d put up with a lifetime of Cameron mourning if the alternative was shagging that has-been – even if Kriss Akabusi was geeing us on from the sidelines, which he almost certainly would be.

Actually, who are we kidding, that would be amazing. There’s nothing like a motivational talk from Kriss Akabusi to help maintain an erection. Alwiigght!

So can we really blame Gerard for his philanderings? Let us not forget either that Gerard is playing a sloppy second to Justin Timberlake, officially the world’s greatest lover (it says so in all his songs).

So, although on first look it seems that Gerard Butler is a horrible human being, when you think about how irritating Cameron could be right now, multiplied by the opportunity to get some Kriss Akabusi voyeurism in your world, to-the-power-of Justin Timberlake’s ubercock, it all adds up to, well – only the most mental mathematician could find an accurate answer to that.

We’ll just have to make the educated guess that he’s probably a bastard.

Read More -Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz splits with Gerard Butler – Mirror

Legendary actor Charlton Heston has died, aged 84.

The Oscar-winning actor had been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. A family spokesman said he passed away on Saturday night at his home in Beverley Hills, California.

During his career, the actor, famed for his muscular build and booming baritone voice, won an Oscar for his role In Ben Hur, let rip at a bunch of monkeys for destroying the Statue of Liberty ‘You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!’.

He raised a rod over his head as Moses in The Ten Commandments and parted the Red Sea, and was seen controversially mimicking the Moses-pose in Michael Moore’s Bowling For Colombine, this time as President of the NRA, challenging any detractors of his to pry the rifle “from my cold, dead hands”.

Charlton’s off-screen career was equally as colourful. As well as becoming President of the NRA in the 1990s, between 1965-1971 he was president of the Screen Actors Guild. He also spent time as the chairman of the American Film Institute. He used his high-profile as a Civil Rights activist in the 1950s and 1960s, and in 1993 he won the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Charlton Heston, rest in piece.

Read More – Oscar-winning actor player larger-than-life figures -  LA TIMES

Before Heath Ledger and Jeremy Beadle there was Pimp C – the rapper who died mysteriously in December.

But now a coroner has officially declared that Pimp C's cause of death was down to drinking too much cough syrup. Honestly.

Incidentally, one of Pimp C's best-known songs was Sippin On Some Sizzurp, all about how nice it is to drink loads of cough medicine at one. It's an irony not seen since Steve Irwin recorded the Baton Rouge Jigg gangsta classic Fightin With Some Stizzrays.

On the basis that their lives are worth more than a hundred of ours, it's always sad when a celebrity dies – even if we didn't really know who they were when they were alive. And that's the case with Pimp C, who was found dead in his Hollywood hotel room on December 4.

Apparently Pimp C was influential in more ways than we could describe. Not only did Pimp C help lay the foundations for hip-hop's Dirty South movement, but he also had a number one album and one of the first rappers to classify themselves alphabetically by profession, along with Pimp A, Pimp B and Spot-Welder W. 

However, the death of Pimp C quickly became a mystery. A mystery that's now been solved thanks to a coroner's report. Turns out that it was the cough syrup that killed Pimp C. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Rap artist Pimp C… died accidentally at a Sunset Strip hotel because of the combination of a medical condition and cough syrup, the Los Angeles County coroner said Monday… The coroner's report said the death was "due to promethazine/codeine effects and other unestablished factors." But Butler had a history of sleep apnea, a condition that causes the sufferer to stop breathing for short periods during sleep. In tandem with that malady, the cough medication probably suppressed the artist's breathing long enough to bring on his death, Winter said.

As it happens, it seems like drinking cough syrup is quite the hobby in parts of America. Apparently you can mix it with soft drinks, call it 'Lean' and sell it for $200 on the streets. But maybe Pimp C didn't know that. Maybe Pimp C just had a tickly cough.

It's a possibility, but that theory becomes a little undone when you realise that Pimp C guested on the Three 6 Mafia song Sippin On Some Sizzurp, all about how drinking vast amounts of cough syrup is like a normal drug, but with the added benefit that you wake up the next morning free of catarrh.

So maybe Pimp C knew what he was doing when he drank the cough syrup before he died. Hopefully his death will put an end to this ridiculous drug craze for good, even if it means Lethal Bizzle trashing his plans to release the forthcoming single Monged Off My Chops On Tixylix.

Read more:

Cough syrup cited in rapper Pimp C's death - LA Times 

If you discovered that Ike Turner died of something boring like pneumonia or old age or a heart condition, you'd be pretty upset.

After all, this is Ike Turner – inventor of rock and roll and wife-beater extraordinaire – we're talking about. Surely Ike Turner's death had to be as spectacular as his life. 

Well it was, provided that 'Massive Cocaine Overdose' is spectacular enough for you. And, unless you were hoping that Ike Turner's death was caused by a giant robot from outer space exploding him with its death rays, hopefully this will do.

When Ike Turner died last month, it was generally thought that his passing would mark a new period of reflection for the man primarily known for being that nasty punchy bloke from What's Love Got To Do With It. After all, in his lifetime Ike Turner had shaped popular music as much as anyone you'd care to think of.

That's not exactly what happened – most obituaries were along the lines of "Nutbush City Limits was alright by, Jesus, Ike Turner was a bastard," while Ike Turner's ex-wife Tina Turner didn't give any form of public statement about Ike's death whatsoever and the only man to vocally sing Ike Turner's praises was Phil Spector, a man not exactly known for his progressive attitudes towards women.

But still, at least Ike Turner died doing the thing he loved best. No, not angrily punching a woman in the face and screaming "eat the cake!" over and over again, we mean Ike Turner died ingesting a large quantity of cocaine. CNN reports on the coroner's enquiry into Ike Turner's death:

"The cause of death for Ike Turner is cocaine toxicity with other significant conditions," Supervising Medical Examiner Investigator Paul Parker told CNN. Contributing conditions included high blood pressure and emphysema, he said. "The manner of death is an accident," he added.

So that's Ike Turner's death dealt with in full, revealing yet another bulletpoint for the footnote of his obituary. Ike Turner – inventor of rock and roll, wife-beater extraordinaire and one of the few men around dumb enough to take loads of cocaine even though he suffered from emphysema.

We're just kidding, ghost of Ike Turner. Please don't come and haunt us, you were terrifying enough alive. And don't try to make us eat any more of that ghost cake, either. That stuff is fattening.

Read more:

Medical examiner says Ike Turner died of cocaine overdose – CNN