Hollywood hard-man Bruce Willis has managed to cheat death whilst attending a screening of his latest testosterone fuelled blockbuster. What was the source of the action star’s brush with death I hear you ask, an escalator.
No, you didn’t read that wrong, Bruce Willis was nearly maimed by a moving staircase whilst on the way to watch his new film, Red, which sees Willis staring alongside John Malkovic and Dame Helen Mirren as a retired CIA black-ops agent that’s being hunted down. Only in America.
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With Sly Stallone’s bizarre announcement that he’d like Bruce Willis to appear as a villain in The Expendables 2 (because apparently flogging a dead horse once just isn’t enough) we here at Hecklerspray decided to man up and have ourselves a good, ol’ fashioned Die Hard marathon, to re-acquaint ourselves with one of our favourite action movie icons.
But something troubled us deeply, Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Die Hard 3: Die Hard With a Vengeance and Die Hard 4.0: Life Free or Die Hard, the scenes seemed to be a lot more ridiculous than we remembered. Happily this meant that we can bring you the top 10 most ridiculous scenes from the Die Hard series.
Be prepared for explosions, gravity defying stunts and an old man who’s harder than the nails in his coffin in this summer’s most action packed, critically acclaimed and hotly anticipated Hecklerspray top 10!
To celebrate the momentous release of the Bruce Willis aftershave (mostly testosterone-infused sweat, with top notes of blood, inflammable material and rosehips). We’ve taken the time to put together the all-time, Top Ten Die Hard Films. Simple tales of a man with a dream. A dream of running around shirtless, covered in blood and shooting at things, admittedly, but still a dream.
And to those of you who say ‘but there’s only four films. That’s a stupid idea. You’re stupid’.
We say you’re just not trying hard enough. And that’s exactly what the terrorists want.
Top Ten after the jump.
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There are certain places that you’re allowed to swear: in the bedroom of a loved one during some sort of steamy romp, a rum-fuelled pool party round Samuel L. Jackson’s house, a Derek & Clive record.
But there are other places where it’s not so cool to swear: in the bedroom of a dying relative during some sort of last rites, a fundraiser for a Pentecostal Church-sponsored under-eight’s netball team, ON AMERICAN TELEVISION AT ANY TIME AT ALL.
What happens when sweary movies are shown on some of the more sensitive US networks? I mean, the best films feature those dastardly curse-words, don’t they? Whether it’s Joe Pesci telling some ‘C-word’ to go ‘eff his Mother’, Jason Statham telling you to ‘suck his so and so’ or Clark Gable telling Olivia de Havilland in Gone With The Wind that, “Quite frankly, you fucking slag, I couldn’t give a fisherman’s piss!”
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From unstoppable robots with Austrian accents to psychopathic Cuban gangsters, it seems we cannot get enough of badasses on the silver screen.
But what is it about them that we love so much? They are not exactly the chatty types. In fact, they tend not to have too many friends and take themselves a little bit too seriously. And let’s not even mention their taste in clothes.
But, then again, wouldn’t you love to be one of the movie characters listed below for just one day?
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December 27. A day even more boring than Boxing Day. The turkey's more rubbery, the decorations are more tatty and you've eaten so much Haribo you've started to hallucinate.
But fear not, because hecklerspray's very own personal best-of-2007 lists are here again to save the day. Literally save the day. Like Superman would. As you know by now, the Spraylist is a chance to shine a light on the essentially contradictory nature of the senior hecklerspray writers by getting them to reveal a bunch of stuff they liked this year, even though chances are all the stuff's been slagged off on these pages within the last 12 months anyway. Probably by the same people who are now saying they liked it. It's a tough life.
Today – our favourite movies of 2007…
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