This Christmas, you may be pushing the boat out and spoiling yourself something rotten. You may have bought a load of cheeses that you wouldn’t normally buy. You may have got three bottles of drink in an attempt to make cocktails. It is the only time of year you ever buy pâté.

Feels good doesn’t it?

Well, Sean Diddy Combes lives like that all the time. He can have pâté whenever he wants. He’s so wealthy that he could mash-up Frosties in pâté just to see what it’s like. And, because he can, he’s decided to start a new Rat Pack and takeover of Vegas. And there’s a film to accompany it.

With the help of Cîroc Ultra Premium Vodka, P. Diddy takes us plebs on a journey to Vegas with him as he rolls big, round Sin City, soundtracked by Sinatra’s ‘Luck Be A Lady’.

Combs said, eyeing his bank statement:

“Frank Sinatra made some of the most iconic records of our time; it is truly an honor to use his music again for this campaign. The Rat Pack defined the art of celebrating in style. I cannot imagine a Spirit more suitable for commemorating life with family and friends than Cîroc; a brand that has become synonymous with celebratory occasions.”

Diddy is joined by some of Hollywood’s brightest upstarts. Like who? There’s Chad Michael Murray of One Tree Hill, Michael K. Williams of Boardwalk Empire, Jesse Williams of Grey’s Anatomy, Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul, Vegas headliner Matt Goss super model Lisa Seiffert and others.

So while you’re sat in your underpants watching Christmas television and eating a ring of frozen prawns, remember this: P Diddy and his pals are having a much better time than you.

Furthermore, they look much cooler while they’re doing it. Merry Christmas!

This post was sponsored by Cîroc

Sean Diddy Puffy Poof Combs is a true suburbs-hardened gangster with millions of dollars up his sleeves and several guns built right into his arms.

We mean literally built right in, too – it makes him feel bionic or something. Originally he was supposed to use the arm-guns to fight crime, but now they’re just for awesome power displays at the Source Awards.

Gun arms or no gun arms though – recently as Puff was trying to enter a late night party, the cops were checking everyone for firearms. Combs got pissed, and then took off before the search began.

When you’re hanging with the likes of Sean Diddy Daddy Puff Puff Combs on at least a semi-regular basis, you can count on two things happening all the time. The first is that you’ll have to be extremely patient as he pretends to get vital information from mysterious government sources over his wrist watch. Then you’ll have to refer to him solely as James while you give him boosts into random building ventilation systems, which he’ll then crawl through army-style and sweaty looking for imaginary boxes with blinking lights.

The second thing you can always expect in his company is that you’ll probably get shot. You remember all his gun trouble from several years ago, right? Well so do the police. That’s why when he recently showed up to co-host a tediously hosted party – the cops wanted to frisk him.

Keep in mind they were frisking every single person who entered. The New York Post paints the picture for us:

“When Diddy arrived at 1:45 a.m. with a six-man entourage, a witness said he “flipped out” when cops asked to search him and his friends. “He went nuts, saying, ‘Why are you disrespecting me like this? Why are you doing this to me?’” Combs “stormed off and started to text DJ Clue asking, ‘What the [bleep] is going on?’ and asked if he could go in the back entrance.” When told that the cops would have to search him and his friends there as well, Combs decided not to attend the party.”

The common assumption seems to be that Combs was so anti-search because he and his men were armed to the teeth with guns, knives, explosives, elven bows and several coiled poison-snakes. The only people that know for sure are Diddy and his men. Plus the guy who probably lent him a rattler.

We think he went about this all wrong. If he wanted to get in with his guns he should have shot some people. When bullets are clearing your path you can pretty much go wherever you want.

Ask everybody in Iraq – they know.

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Joaquin Phoenix is living the dream – specifically a cheese-informed fever dream that makes no sense whatsoever.

But a dream nonetheless. How many of us have wanted to quit our jobs, grow a gigantic Unabomber beard and become a rapper under Diddy‘s tutelage? That’s right, none of us. And that’s why, from all logical perspectives, Joaquin Phoenix’s behaviour has to be part of a giant Borat-style prank on the world.

Except it isn’t. Despite recent reports suggesting that Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck are making a spoof documentary about this together, Joaquin insists it’s completely real. We’ve never been so scared.

When we think of Joaquin Phoenix these days, we smell something fishy. Admittedly that’s probably just cognitive association stemming from the fact that Joaquin Phoenix looks like he last washed his balls sometime in the summer of 1998, but also it’s a partly because we can’t quite believe what we’ve been seeing lately.

Over recent months, Joaquin Phoenix has retired from acting in the most hapless way possible, grown a dirty great beard, trained to become a rapper with help from Diddy, got Ben Affleck‘s little brother to follow him around filming it and stumbled off the edge of a stage during his first ever show. You could literally give a million monkeys a million handgrenades and none of them would ever be able to come up with anything that even comes close to approaching the spectacular stupidity of Joaquin Phoenix’s rap career.

Which is why rumours are building that it’s all a great big fake. A report yesterday claimed that Joaquin Phoenix is only getting up to all these shenanigans because he and Casey Affleck are pulling a big Andy Kaufman-esque art prank on everyone, and the end result will be a spoof documentary lampooning self-important stars and, we guess, the gullibility of the media.

But that’s not the case at all, says Joaquin Phoenix’s mouthpiece Susan Patricola. Joaquin is definitely a rapper. Definitely. MTV reports:

“The transition from one career to another is never seamless. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Joaquin came from a musical family, in addition to winning a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Johnny Cash. He intends on exploring his musical interests despite speculative, negative or positive reactions.”

See? Joaquin Phoenix is a true artist in his heart and soul, and this rap career will prove it for good. Either that or Susan Patricola is in on the hoax as well. Which she probably would be, come to think of it.

So there’s still a chance that Joaquin Phoenix is playing a trick on us all. We knew there was something funny going on, right from the moment where he called Casey Affleck the future of acting in his retirement speech. That sort of talk doesn’t belong anywhere outside the realms of high comedy.

Anyway, our point is this – if Joaquin Phoenix really is playing a trick on us, we don’t want anyone to draw attention to it. God knows what a disaster it’d be if he aborted it and went back to acting.

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Warning – there’s a strong likelihood that this story will send you into a dizzying seizure that you’ll never recover from.

Ready? OK – Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper. Wait, because it gets worse. Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper and Casey Affleck is making a documentary about it. Wait, though, because it gets worse.

The reason why Casey Affleck is directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix becoming a rapper is because Diddy has decided to teach him how to rap. We dare you to think of a worse idea than that. You’ve got all day.

It would be wrong of us to admit to a small amount of grudging respect for Joaquin Phoenix. That’s because you can’t define our feelings for Joaquin Phoenix with a paltry word like ‘respect’. It’s more like the kind of gaping, slack-jawed fascination that you’d usually reserve for a fire-eater or a dog on a trampoline.

The man’s a genius. Joaquin Phoenix is a genius. He’s obviously sat down at some point and “OK, how can I top interrupting an interview to sincerely ask if I’ve got frogs in my hair?” before deciding “I know, I’ll retire from acting forever even though it’s probably the only thing I’m any good at.”

But then Joaquin Phoenix decided that even that didn’t reach the amazing heights he’d set for himself, so he set aside time for an angry, incoherent, prematurely-axed interview to announce his retirement. And yet, despite that video being the greatest thing we’ve ever watched, Joaquin Phoenix still thought he could do better.

So he has. It’s been announced that Casey Affleck is making a documentary following Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acting to music. To rap music. To rap music under the tutelage of arch bellend Diddy. Unless someone is playing a very cruel prank on us, this is all true. IGN reports:

Phoenix famously announced his intention to trade acting for music last spring, and while many thought it was a joke, it now appears he was deadly serious, with Phoenix working on an album under the guidance of rap legend Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs. Long-time friend Casey Affleck will make a documentary about his efforts. and according to The Hollywood Reporter, principal photography will commence… tonight.

It’s not just us, is it? None of this makes any sense to you either, right? Joaquin Phoenix is becoming a rapper, Diddy’s helping him and Ben Affleck‘s little brother is making a film about it because it’s so important. We think we need to lie down.

We’ve thought long and hard about this – perhaps longer and harder than anyone healthy person probably should – and there’s only one conclusion we can reach.

Still stung by not winning an Oscar for Walk The Line, Joaquin Phoenix has watched how readily Mickey Rourke has been welcomed back by Hollywood after spending years pursuing a cack-headed career as a professional boxer, and so he’s decided to follow suit. Only Joaquin’s not much of a fighter and the only thing as ridiculous as boxing is becoming a professional rapper.

That has to be it, doesn’t it? It has to be.

Still, what with Russell Crowe‘s continued ill-advised foray into music and now Joaquin Phoenix’s hip-hop career getting off the ground, it’s becoming clear that the movie Gladiator was the place to be to see a number of woeful Hollywood vanity projects take shape. With this in mind, we eagerly await Sir Derek Jacobi‘s debut single – rumoured to be a cover of Murder Ya Bloodclart by Vital Elements.

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After being a bit rubbish for a while, James Bond people have finally pulled their finger out of their arses and attempted to make things better.

They realised that Pierce Brosnan was only going to turn the films into girly musicals with spontaneous dance routines, so they had to relieve him of duty. Or put a bullet in his brain.

Enter Daniel Craig, the moody-looking sod who took over. His turn as Bond made sure that the films were at least semi-watchable. Despite the franchise getting back on its feet after a slight wobble, there is a potential villain waiting in the wings to destroy everything. Diddy wants to be the next James Bond, and no doubt wants to try and kill his enemies by spraying his fragrance in their eyes.

There’s nothing more annoying than people who think they can do everything. Despite our attempts to avoid him, we’ve all heard a song where Diddy will blab on about a large amount of money or some woman he pimped out. To say he repeats himself time and time again would be a slight understatement.

The only real acting experience that Diddy has is in his music videos and even then they aren’t that impressive. Once the jewellery trucks arrive to bling out everyone, a director simply shouts action and everyone sways around for a few moments. And there you have it, how to make a rap video.

Despite being confined to these sorts of videos, Diddy still has the confidence to want to audition for the role of James Bond even though nobody needs a new James Bond.And he’s got the cash to prove it.

Yes that’s right, Diddy decided to show that he is a) a moron and b) has too much money by blowing silly amounts on a tape to show that the next role as James Bond should go to him. Digital Spy reports:

The rapper took a private jet to the south of France to produce the action segment, which he hopes will sway Bond executives. The clip will apparently double as promotional footage for Diddy’s fragrance, I Am King.

Great, we’ve basically got a really expensive advert for a product we can’t really tell is of any use. Fragrance adverts at the best of times are pretentious piles of poo due to the fact we can’t smell them via our TVs. Genius work, there, Mr Diddy. We’ll definitely rush out and pick up a bottle. Diddy also said:

“This is my audition tape for the next James Bond. There is a black President and it’s time for there to be a black Bond. God bless…”

We’ve all heard Diddy’s incisive political thoughts before the American election. Maybe it’s about time to tell him that Barack Obama is a real person and James Bond is the creation of a writer. Perhaps Diddy also believes in Santa. Perhaps he’ll be leaving a trap out to capture him this month before unveiling him to the world.

If Diddy did get the role, you’d know he’d balls up James Bond something rotten. He’d change the character’s name to something daft like Jay Bonza or J Bod before getting the character to travel around the world with a 50-strong gang of minders, makeup artists and managers.

10 - Quick, Diddy, talk politics while looking as if you’re masturbating!

9 - Nutty celebrity stalkers. See, this is how you stalk someone properly. You know who you are – Popcrunch

8 - Want to make a Five Intersecting Tetrahedra Dodecahedron? OK! – Instructables

7 - Probably best not to watch this if you have children, or are planning a trip to a theme park – Local6

6 - Genius. Never send drunken abusive emails again – Gmail Blog

5 - Here’s a new planet that’s denser than lead. And yet somehow still not denser than anyone who’s ever appeared on Big Brother - Discovermagazine

4 – Weezer breaks several world records, probably including Most Embarrassing Creative Slide By A Band Between Their First And Sixth Albums – Absolutepunk

3 - Why you should never eat at Burger King - Submiturpics

2 – Elmo is a pimp. That’s all – I Am Bored

1 - Creepy robot. Do not watch this video – Best Week Ever

Diddy’s not so much of a rapper these days, more a godawful barely-watched lowest common denominator MTV reality show in waiting.

But until the day when he inevitably ends up fronting that show – working title Diddy: It’s Both Oblivious And Obnoxious – we all have to put up with him spouting off endlessly about whatever subjects happen to be ambiently passing through his brain all the time like some sort of dreary old pensionable pub bore, but gangsta.

This time, Diddy has turned his sights on newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Diddy’s not a fan of Sarah Palin, you see – it’s all because Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska and “there aren’t even any crackheads in Alaska.” We’re not joking. We wish we were. Oh, there’s video after the jump, too.

Historians are going to look back on the day when Diddy discovered YouTube and declare it the exact day that the human race started to go wrong. Sure, it had been bad before, what with all the death and war and sadness and whatever, but at least we didn’t have video footage of the man who did that Godzilla song having a piss while describing exactly why he enjoys pissing back then.

It’s not just urination that Diddy enjoys prattling on about on video – he’s also taken to the internet to praise his girlfriend for carrying his children right before he left her. Plus not so long ago Diddy recruited an assistant by posting a video on YouTube, which was a smart move – after all, his ideal candidate was an obese loner with terrible skin and a secret longing that humans could be as understanding as cats.

And now Diddy is using his fondness to push through a political message. It’s all because of Sarah Palin, you see - John McCain has announced her as his running mate in the upcoming election. Leaving aside the fact that seeing elderly white-haired John McCain and younger, marginally sexier Sarah Palin together is like watching a creepy remake of late 1980s ITV nightclub show The Hitman And Her, Sarah Palin has managed to get right up Diddy’s nose.

Why? Has Diddy seen through the seemingly transparent fact that Sarah Palin was only made VP to lure disappointed female Hillary Clinton supporters to the Republican party? No. Is he fundamentally opposed to Sarah Palin’s pro-life, pro-capital punishment worldview? No. Does he disagree with Sarah Palin’s decision to support a bill allowing wolves to be hunted from the sky? Not really.

In fact, Diddy seems most concerned that Sarah Palin comes from Alaska and not too many Alaskans are addicted to crack. Here’s the video…

You know what? It’s easy to mock, but Diddy actually makes some very good points. Michelle Obama really would have been a better choice of Republican vice presidential candidate because, as Diddy points out, it would have been more ‘strategic and fly’ to do that. Let’s hope that John McCain sees sense and appoints Diddy as his Chief Strategy And Flyness Advisor. It’s a no-brainer, really – Diddy gets his long dreamed-of position of political power and John McCain gets, um, a nice pair of sunglasses or something.

Oh, and by the way Diddy – Sir Rock Obama? What are you, seven?

Read more:

P. Diddy’s ‘Diddy-Obama Blog’ slams McCain, Alaska – Monsters And Critics

Diddy definitely didn't know about that time Tupac got shot in 1994, the LA Times just wants you to know that.

What? You already knew that? Well, the LA Times wants to make it even clearer. It's already apologised for running the story that falsely implicated Diddy in Tupac's shooting, and now it has gone and formally retracted the story as well.  

However, the LA Times probably has another thing coming if it thinks it has wriggled out of a libel lawsuit from Diddy. An apology and a retraction just isn't enough to win Diddy over.

Now, an apology, a retraction, four free McDonald's Happy Meal vouchers, a kissogram dressed up as Notorious B.I.G and a customised Scrabble set which only contains the letters D, I and Y and it's another matter entirely. Get on it, LA Times.

Lesson number one of understanding libel law is that you're only allowed to make up lies about dead people. For example, we could easily make up a story about Charlton Heston bumming a donkey while dressed as Zorro and we wouldn't get sued, even though it very obviously didn't happen.

But libelling someone who's alive? That's another matter entirely. Were we to say that, for example, Diddy orchestrated the non-fatal shooting of Tupac Shakur in 1994 and we'd probably get in all kinds of shit. That's because we happen to know for a fact that Diddy spent so much of 1994 bumming donkeys while dressed up as Zorro that he couldn't have possibly found the time to do that.

The LA Times, though, didn't know that, which is why it published a story last month claiming that Diddy was behind Tupac's shooting and that it had the evidence to prove it. Which it did. True, the evidence was forged by a bullshitting prisoner who tapped it out on a jail typewriter, but it was still evidence.

So far the LA Times has apologised to Diddy for the mistake, but that wasn't enough. Which is why, as E! Online reports, the newspaper has gone one stage further and formally retracted the article:

"In its retraction Monday, the newspaper agreed with the investigative website's findings that 'some of the other sources relied on… do not support major elements of the story. The Times now believes that Sabatino fabricated the FBI reports and concocted his role in the assault as well as his supposed relationships with Combs, [James Jimmy Henchman] Rosemond and [Jacques Haitian Jack] Agnant," the newspaper wrote. To the extent these publications could be interpreted as creating the impression that Combs was involved in arranging the attack, The Times wishes to correct that misimpression, which was neither stated in the article nor intended'."

That should be enough to stop Diddy from launching a major lawsuit against the newspaper, right? Well, probably not. Diddy has already made noises about wanting to unequivocally clear his name, plus let's not forget that he could hire a goose in a suit to be his lawyer for this case and he'd still probably win it quite easily.

But, now that Diddy has the scent of blood in his nostrils, we'd just like to similarly clear up a few things we've said about Diddy in the past to stop him suing us as well…

When we said that Diddy punched flames out a man's ass, there was no real evidence that any fire was shat by either party. Sorry. 

Also, when we claimed that Diddy could have been sleeping with Sienna Miller, we had no proof of that. In retrospect, you'd have to have judgement so terrible that it borders on the mentally unwell to sleep with Sienna Miller. Again, we're sorry.

And we're sorry for saying that Diddy had twins. We only said that because we read about it. For all we know, Diddy's girlfriend could have hatched 2,000 babies out of a sac on her back like a disgusting half-human half-spider hybrid. We really have no way of knowing. We apologise. 

However, we refuse to retract the thing we said earlier about Diddy bumming donkeys. That definitely happened. Definitely.

OK, it didn't happen. Don't sue us please Diddy.

Read more:

Times to Diddy: Our Bad – E! Online 

As everyone knows, Diddy is responsible for all the bad things in the world, from squeaky floorboards to the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur to the invention of the jellyfish.

We know this because we read the Los Angeles Times, and the Los Angeles Times definitely said that Diddy was definitely behind Tupac's 1994 shooting.

Except that, um, he wasn't. The Los Angeles Times has apologised after an investigation showed that the sources in its recent Diddy/ Tupac story were apparently fabricated. You may be off the hook this time, Diddy, but we've still got you on the jellyfish thing. Our lawyers will be in touch.

There's no doubting Diddy's charm and panache as a person. You can see it in his day-to-day life – when Diddy roughs up a scamp in a car park, he adds so much pizazz to the beating that at least one person ends up farting fire. And Diddy's just to classy to allegedly cheat on his girlfriend with Sienna Miller like a regular schmo – when you roll like Diddy you have to allegedly cheat on his girlfriend with Sienna Miller right after she's given birth to his twins.

So, yes, much like The Pink Panther, Diddy is a gentleman, a scholar and an acrobat. And, while we're on the subject, another similarity that Diddy shares with The Pink Panther is that neither of them orchestrated the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur.

Which is more or less the exact opposite of what the Los Angeles Times published earlier this month, though – an article by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Chuck Philips claimed that Diddy's filthy little paws were all over the Shakur shooting and that, while he may have avoided punishment, he should feel awfully ashamed of himself, or something. We stopped reading about two-thirds in, to be honest.

But Diddy denied the Tupac shooting, and a subsequent investigation by the LA Times found out that actually, the story was pretty much a gigantic crock of poo from beginning to end, and now it's sorry. According to the Associated Press:

The Los Angeles Times apologized for using documents that were apparently fabricated in a story implicating associates of Sean "Diddy" Combs in a 1994 assault on rapper Tupac Shakur. "The bottom line is that the documents we relied on should not have been used," Editor Russ Stanton said in a story posted Wednesday night on the newspaper's Web site. "We apologize both to our readers and to those referenced in the documents … and in the story." … The apologies followed an investigation launched by Stanton after The Smoking Gun Web site reported earlier in the day that the paper was conned by a prisoner who doctored the documents.

Of course Diddy wasn't involved in a shooting – look at his adorable puppy eyes. That's all the evidence we need, although unquestionable proof that the article making the accusations was based on fabricated documents probably helps a little bit as well.

It's an awkward situation for all involved – by not being more thorough, the LA Times has now mauled its journalistic credibility for the foreseeable future, and Diddy has to live with a swirl of 14-year-old rumours that he thought had been put to bed.

Chances are that Diddy might want to retaliate against the LA Times somehow. Hopefully this will be in the form of a costly lawsuit rather than a concept album about how only God can judge him. Because that really wouldn't be helping anyone.

Read more: 

LA Times Apologizes for Shakur Story – AP

If you were Diddy, you'd probably want people to discuss your new vodka line or your perfume or your acting or your inability to stay with women who've just given birth to your children.

In fact, if you were Diddy you'd probably be happy for people to talk about anything at all, except for your alleged role in the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur.

Which is a shame, because that's what a newspaper did yesterday. But for what it's worth, Diddy has vehemently denied all the allegations against him. Hecklerspray would like to add that it had no involvement in Tupac's 1994 shooting either. That makes us as good as Diddy, which is why we're about to release our own ropey cash-in perfume as well. It's called hecklerspray: Unjustifiable. Pour homme.

We're worried. There's a disturbing new trend that's taking the world by storm right now, and the government is doing nothing to stop it. The name of this trend? Decades-old celebrity assassination attempts.

It's terrifying. Mick Jagger can no longer walk the streets for fear that someone will kill him 39 years ago, and now Tupac Shakur is thought to be in hiding in case someone shoots him and leaves him for dead in 1994. What next? Will someone stage an audacious hit on Elton John in 1973? Where will the madness end? Where?

Yesterday's Los Angeles Times contained a lengthy article about the 1994 incident where Tupac Shakur was beaten and shot in New York. It claims that the event kick-started the East Coast/ West Coast rap wars that ended with both Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G getting killed. And it's implicated Diddy in the whole messy affair.

That's right – Diddy. Lovely Diddy of I Do (Wanna Get Close To You) by 3LW guest-rap fame. Diddy the booze-hawker. Diddy, the man who can literally punch flames out of people's asses. According to the Los Angeles Times, Diddy had a hand in orchestrating the beating and shooting of Tupac as punishment for Tupac not wanting to join Diddy's Bad Boy record label.

Based on what, you scoff. FBI reports? Statements from informants? Interviews by people who were there as it actually happened? Well, actually, yes. But Diddy isn't going to take this sort of slander sitting down – he's responded with all the force that a quickly bashed-out 63-word statement can muster:

"This story is beyond ridiculous and is completely false. Neither Biggie nor I had any knowledge of any attack before, during, or after it happened. It is a complete lie to suggest that there was any involvement by Biggie or myself. I am shocked that the Los Angeles Times would be so irresponsible as to publish such a baseless and completely untrue story."

As odd as it is for a newspaper to drag up a mostly-forgotten 14-year-old story about a dead convicted sex abuse felon getting roughed up, if Diddy really did have a hand in it then it still counts as being newsworthy, if a little sensational.

But listen to Diddy. Listen to the man! He definitely didn't play any part in Tupac's shooting, no matter what anyone says. And Diddy is a trustworthy man. He might have left his girlfriend right after she had his twins, he might have accepted an advance to write his autobiography then failed to write anything while refusing to hand back the advance and he may have been boning Sienna Miller on the sly, but we'll just say this.

Diddy says that pissing is good. And pissing is good. Therefore we're adamant that he didn't help shoot some bloke a decade and a half ago.

Read more:

Diddy Denies LA Times' Tupac Story – AP

Diddy is a man of refined taste and sophisticated needs in all walks of life, so when Diddy leathers a bloke in a nightclub while screaming "I'll kill you, punk" it has to be an especially upmarket nightclub.

Also it helps if the bloke he leathers is so fiercely against pressing charges that he stops cooperating with police and changes his story about so often that the police have no option but to drop all charges against Diddy. Which, as luck would have it, has just happened. Although he was arrested last month for apparently punching a friend of his whose ex-girlfriend he's currently dating, Diddy has escaped from the ensuing investigation scot free. Hooray – Diddy lives to impassively mumble over an insultingly obvious Sting sample for another day.

They say that every man has his weakness, and if that's true then Diddy's weakness is definitely women. No, fireworks. No, clowns. No, pissing in public. No, not being able to write properly. No, we'll stick with our first answer – Diddy's weakness is almost definitely women.

Look back at all the times when Diddy has got in trouble recently and there's a woman in the middle of it – whether it's Diddy's supposed affair with Sienna Miller, Diddy being dumped by the mother of his newborn twins, Diddy smacking flames out the ass of a guy whose girlfriend Diddy was chatting up or the most recent situation, which involved Diddy allegedly beating up a man in a nightclub toilet just because he happened to be the ex-boyfriend of the girl who Diddy is currently dating.

According to reports at the time, Diddy and his paid henchmen set about attacking Diddy acquaintance Steven Acevedo in New York's Kiosk nightclub last month, with Diddy at one point reportedly screaming "I'll kill you, punk!" at him. However, Diddy may as well have chopped Steven Acevedo up with an axe and danced about in his skin for all it matters, because thanks to Acevedo's uncooperative behaviour with the police, Diddy has walked away from the incident without charge.

Steven Acevedo, you see, gave police and prosecutors various stories about what happened until they couldn't prove anything at all beyond reasonable doubt, and now Diddy is a free man – something which obviously pleases his attorney Benjamin Brafman:

“Both Mr. Combs and I are pleased that the DA’s office and the police department conducted a very thorough investigation and came to this conclusion.”

Hopefully this close shave has taught Diddy a valuable lesson here – that if you're going to attack anyone in a nightclub bathroom surrounded by hefty bodyguards over a minor disagreement about a woman, it's best to make sure your victim knows you and likes you at least a little bit. Having said that, Steven Acevedo must make up about 50% of the people in the world who actually like Diddy, which means his next bewildering attack might have to be on his own mother.