This Christmas, you may be pushing the boat out and spoiling yourself something rotten. You may have bought a load of cheeses that you wouldn’t normally buy. You may have got three bottles of drink in an attempt to make cocktails. It is the only time of year you ever buy pâté.
Feels good doesn’t it?
Well, Sean Diddy Combes lives like that all the time. He can have pâté whenever he wants. He’s so wealthy that he could mash-up Frosties in pâté just to see what it’s like. And, because he can, he’s decided to start a new Rat Pack and takeover of Vegas. And there’s a film to accompany it.
Sean Diddy Puffy Poof Combs is a true suburbs-hardened gangster with millions of dollars up his sleeves and several guns built right into his arms.
We mean literally built right in, too – it makes him feel bionic or something. Originally he was supposed to use the arm-guns to fight crime, but now they’re just for awesome power displays at the Source Awards.
Gun arms or no gun arms though – recently as Puff was trying to enter a late night party, the cops were checking everyone for firearms. Combs got pissed, and then took off before the search began.
Joaquin Phoenix is living the dream – specifically a cheese-informed fever dream that makes no sense whatsoever.
But a dream nonetheless. How many of us have wanted to quit our jobs, grow a gigantic Unabomber beard and become a rapper under Diddy‘s tutelage? That’s right, none of us. And that’s why, from all logical perspectives, Joaquin Phoenix’s behaviour has to be part of a giant Borat-style prank on the world.
Except it isn’t. Despite recent reports suggesting that Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck are making a spoof documentary about this together, Joaquin insists it’s completely real. We’ve never been so scared.
Warning – there’s a strong likelihood that this story will send you into a dizzying seizure that you’ll never recover from.
Ready? OK – Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper. Wait, because it gets worse. Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper and Casey Affleck is making a documentary about it. Wait, though, because it gets worse.
The reason why Casey Affleck is directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix becoming a rapper is because Diddy has decided to teach him how to rap. We dare you to think of a worse idea than that. You’ve got all day.
After being a bit rubbish for a while, James Bond people have finally pulled their finger out of their arses and attempted to make things better.
They realised that Pierce Brosnan was only going to turn the films into girly musicals with spontaneous dance routines, so they had to relieve him of duty. Or put a bullet in his brain.
Enter Daniel Craig, the moody-looking sod who took over. His turn as Bond made sure that the films were at least semi-watchable. Despite the franchise getting back on its feet after a slight wobble, there is a potential villain waiting in the wings to destroy everything. Diddy wants to be the next James Bond, and no doubt wants to try and kill his enemies by spraying his fragrance in their eyes.
10 - Quick, Diddy, talk politics while looking as if you’re masturbating!
9 - Nutty celebrity stalkers. See, this is how you stalk someone properly. You know who you are – Popcrunch
8 - Want to make a Five Intersecting Tetrahedra Dodecahedron? OK! – Instructables
7 - Probably best not to watch this if you have children, or are planning a trip to a theme park – Local6
6 - Genius. Never send drunken abusive emails again – Gmail Blog
5 - Here’s a new planet that’s denser than lead. And yet somehow still not denser than anyone who’s ever appeared on Big Brother -Discovermagazine
4 – Weezer breaks several world records, probably including Most Embarrassing Creative Slide By A Band Between Their First And Sixth Albums – Absolutepunk
3 - Why you should never eat at Burger King -Submiturpics
Diddy’s not so much of a rapper these days, more a godawful barely-watched lowest common denominatorMTV reality show in waiting.
But until the day when he inevitably ends up fronting that show – working title Diddy: It’s Both Oblivious And Obnoxious – we all have to put up with him spouting off endlessly about whatever subjects happen to be ambiently passing through his brain all the time like some sort of dreary old pensionable pub bore, but gangsta.
This time, Diddy has turned his sights on newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Diddy’s not a fan of Sarah Palin, you see – it’s all because Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska and “there aren’t even any crackheads in Alaska.” We’re not joking. We wish we were. Oh, there’s video after the jump, too.
Diddy definitely didn't know about that time Tupac got shot in 1994, the LA Times just wants you to know that.
What? You already knew that? Well, the LA Times wants to make it even clearer. It's already apologised for running the story that falsely implicated Diddy in Tupac's shooting, and now it has gone and formally retracted the story as well.
However, the LA Times probably has another thing coming if it thinks it has wriggled out of a libel lawsuit from Diddy. An apology and a retraction just isn't enough to win Diddy over.
Now, an apology, a retraction, four free McDonald's Happy Meal vouchers, a kissogram dressed up as Notorious B.I.G and a customised Scrabble set which only contains the letters D, I and Y and it's another matter entirely. Get on it, LA Times.
As everyone knows, Diddy is responsible for all the bad things in the world, from squeaky floorboards to the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur to the invention of the jellyfish.
We know this because we read the Los Angees Times, and the Los Angeles Times definitely said that Diddy was definitely behind Tupac’s 1994 shooting.
Except that, um, he wasn’t. The Los Angeles Times has apologised after an investigation showed that the sources in its recent Diddy/ Tupac story were apparently fabricated. You may be off the hook this time, Diddy, but we’ve still got you on the jellyfish thing. Our lawyers will be in touch.
If you were Diddy, you’d probably want people to discuss your new vodka line or your perfume or your acting or your inability to stay with women who’ve just given birth to your children.
In fact, if you were Diddy you’d probably be happy for people to talk about anything at all, except for your alleged role in the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur.
Which is a shame, because that’s what a newspaper did yesterday. But for what it’s worth, Diddy has vehemently denied all the allegations against him. Hecklerspray would like to add that it had no involvement in Tupac’s 1994 shooting either. That makes us as good as Diddy, which is why we’re about to release our own ropey cash-in perfume as well. It’s called hecklerspray: Unjustifiable. Pour homme.
This Christmas, you may be pushing the boat out and spoiling yourself something rotten. You may have bought a load of cheeses that you wouldn’t normally buy. You may have got three bottles of drink in an attempt to make cocktails. It is the only time of year you ever buy pâté.
