Panto season must be upon us, as formerly-relevant perplexing poltroon and peddler of pretend-angst Brian Hugh Warner has once again unveiled his Halloween-night-Lily-Savage alter-ego ‘Marilyn Manson’ in an unsuccessful attempt to outrage/impress anyone who still gives two hoots during a boozy night out in Las Vegas.

The vain attempt to appear partially interesting involved Brian going out on the lash in the Born And Raised bar in suburban Vegas – basically a provincial Yates’s from what we can gather. This was after, we assume, getting turned-away from any ‘real’ bars on the Strip all of whom have a strict “no wankers” policy. Luckily Brian managed to make himself look like the utter weapon he is.

Highlights of the evening, courtesy of the man determined to turn his previously imagined reputation of ‘controversial’ into that of stone-cold-fact ‘tiresome’, include:

• Drinking absinthe, because Baudelaire did so it’s, like, totally cool, cultured and ‘out-there’. Like the kerr-razy dude he is. On-lookers shrugged, we imagine. Not remembering he unsuccessfully launched his own brand of ‘Mansinthe’ in 2008 (REALLY), which was variously described as being “as bad as piss” (True).
• Manning the karaoke machine and singing ‘Cry Me A River’ by Justin Timberlake. SIX bloody TIMES IN A ROW LIKE SOME SORT OF WOMAN WITH EMOTIONS AND THINGS.
• Getting into the wrong limousine at the end of the night and getting hoyed-out of it – basically the equivalent of unsuccessfully trying to jump somebody else’s taxi, a ritual we are all familiar with.
• Ostentatiously brandishing a knife while awaiting the arrival of his own taxi/limo.

The latter is- of course- forgivable if one is a fifteen-year old wannabe hard-man trying to impress your mates after your first proper belly-full of Diamond White. You know, whilst ‘having it large’ in your local graveyard after everyone has told their parents they are spending the evening round each others’ houses? It’s pretty wearying if you are a 42-year old man named Brian.

It is widely reported (by us) that Brian tried to justify this wholly underwhelming spectacle by saying “Sorry I went nuts, but I’m a rock star!” to anyone listening.

His ‘rock star’ allegation was made despite all evidence to the contrary including, but not limited to – no major label contract, no album out in recent memory, not being Trent Reznor, no tour that anyone can remember and even his target audience of adolescent emo kids finding him a bit embarrassing.

Rumours that Brian Hugh Warner currently resides in his mother’s box-room and has been getting grief for stealing her concealer are unconfirmed at time of publication.

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US rapper Fat Joe, named so because he’s fat and called Joe, has insinuated that 50 Cent, named so because Curtis is a girl's name, is a little yellow-bellied attention-seeking agoraphobic chicken boy who he hates and yet – despite everything – is publicly willing to admit he’d like to make love with him.

Morbidly obese Joe told Complex:

“He got shot by people who he knows and he doesn't do nothing about it. He gets criticised by people like Ja Rule, little Ja Rule, and he never even fought him one on one. He's going to come fuck with Fat Joe? Are you serious? He still don't leave his house. He's looking for attention, I'm gonna diss him.”

Up to this point it all seems like your run-of-the-mill, faux-gangster, PR-exercising threat, but then – all of a sudden – in a bizarre twist of affairs that just goes to show the complex nature of human sexuality, rotund gangster Joe said:

“I'm gonna tell him to suck my dick, everything you can think.”

Say what you want about Joe but, with demands like that, homophobic he ain't. Which, it has to be said, is a refreshingly liberal attitude to see coming from the rap game these days, even if his vernacular is somewhat crass. Cranking up the crass to eleven, he furthered:

"I'm gonna tell him that. What does he want out of me? He's gonna tell me, 'Oh, Fat Joe, you're a sucka', and I'm gonna be like, 'Suck my dick you punk ass motherfucker."

He’s a poet and the motherfucker aint even knowin’ it. Well, he probably knows it a bit.

The two of them first clashed when 50 Cent included a puppet of Fat Joe getting beaten up in his Piggy Bank music video. 50 Cent reignited the mard in January when he told US TV show Rap City that he wanted to eliminate Joe from the 'rap game'.

The felatio request is a bold move by Joe, and the ears of the world are poised for 50 Cent’s response.

Go on Fiddy – open up your horizons. Give head or die tryin’.

Read more:

Fat Joe labels 50 Cent a 'coward' - Monsters And Critics