Rap troll, Lil Wayne is going to release his prison diaries, just in time for next Christmas. That’ll be a nice present for your nana won’t it? In it, he’ll probably talk to God a lot while simultaneously glamorising his pretend ‘thug’ lifestyle.

But will he be mentioning the poundings he took around the anus while in the prison showers? We do hope so, because that would be refreshingly charming!

The book will be titled ‘Gone Till November’ and will be based around the diaries he kept while in the clink. This puts Wayne in the same company as Nelson Mandela and… uh… Jeffrey Archer.

Little Wayney Wayne spent eight months on Rikers Island on gun charges. Basically, he thought he’d do something original and be a rapper with a gun. Seriously. What a git. Cops just love pulling over black people and searching them for weed or firearms – you’d think they’d be a little more wary, right?

Ben Greenberg, of Grand Central publish (who, duh, are putting the book out), said:

“We are thrilled to be publishing Wayne’s prison memoir. He kept detailed journals of his inner and outer life while he was on Rikers Island, and they certainly tell a story. They are revealing.”

Revealing how? Like his lyrics? Such as…

“I admire your poppin’ bottles and pimpin’ just as much as you admire bartending and strippin’.”

and

“I said he’s so sweet, make her wanna lick the wrapper – so I let her lick the rapper.”

This book is going to be amazing, obviously. Up there with Chaucer and Bridget Jones’ Diary. Of course, he’s going to be detailing all his thoughts and feelings, but if that’s the case, this should be more of a pamphlet than a book.

Still, it’ll give numskulls something to read away from Sports Illustrated and FHM when they’re on the pan.

You know, people only write diaries because they subconsciously want them to be read by federal agents investigating major fraud.

So, bearing that in mind, Anne Hathaway is the luckiest girl around at the moment. Not only does Anne Hathaway keep a diary, but her ex-boyfriend is in custody for massive wire fraud and money laundering. That means – you guessed it – Anne Hathaway’s diaries have been seized by the FBI as evidence! Score!

The implications of this are gigantic – if these diaries aren’t carefully protected then Anne Hathaway’s deepest personal secrets could be made horribly public. We may soon learn of Anne’s fears, her opinions on her co-stars or even that secret crush she’s been nursing for the dashing editor of a British entertainment blog lately.

It was love at first sight when Anne Hathaway met Raffaello Follieri in 2004. How could it not be? She said “Hi, I’m the up-and-coming star of The Princess Diaries,” and he said “Lovely to meet you – I allegedly con several idiots out of millions of dollars by claiming to be a property developer who’s friends with the Pope.” The rest was history.

Pretty crap history, to be honest, but history nonetheless – Raffaello Follieri was arrested on 11 counts of fraud and is currently in jail under a $21 million bail and some suggest that it was Anne Hathaway who deliberately got him arrested in the first place. So what now?

Well that depends who you are. If you’re a criminal prosecutor involved in the case you’ll be painstakingly piecing together a compelling argument against Raffaello Follieri in order to halt his criminal wrongdoings in their track. Or, if you’re anyone else, you’ll be wishing like hell that Anne Hathaway’s private diaries that were just seized by the FBI as evidence will somehow make their way into the public.

Although Anne Hathaway isn’t under investigation in the Follieri case, her diaries have been confiscated by federal agents on the off-chance that they help. The New York Daily News reports:

The agents confiscated the intimate diaries of the “Devil Wears Prada” star during another raid on Follieri’s $37,500-a-month Trump Tower pad, according to the sources… Agents are also said to have seized photos of Follieri with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Pope John Paul II, and John and Cindy McCain.

We’ve got no idea why a photo of Raffaello Follieri standing next to John McCain is particularly incriminating – unless John McCain happened to be the guest speaker at the 12th Annual International Property Fraud Expo or something – but it’s fairly obvious why Anne Hathaway’s diaries were taken.

Face it, the absolute best case scenario for the FBI would be to uncover an entry reading “Dear diary, today Raff defrauded 18 rich idiots out of several million dollars, which we spent on puppydogs and jetskis. I love Raff and think all people are idiots.”

That’s probably not likely to show up, so the Feds are probably going to have to make do with the entry that reads “Dear diary, today I had a sleepover at Jennifer’s house. I’ve never seen so many young girls on the cusp of womanhood in such skimpy pyjamas! And Jennifer’s bedroom is quite small, so we all had to wriggle really close together! It got so sweaty, diary!”

We’re sure that would probably make do quite well.