Gene Simmons is a man who says he loves women folk, but you get the distinct impression that he actually hates them. Or, worse still, is afraid of them. That’s why he’s always unfurling that gigantic tongue of his at them.

As an aside, it’s hard to picture what went on when he bunked up with Diana Ross. She so slight that you can imagine he wore her like a glove puppet on his monstrous mouth piece.

Either way, all that’s behind him now as he’s all set to make an honest man of himself and marry his fiance of three decades, Shannon Tweed.

The pair already have some kids together (poor mites), but obviously, now that Simmons has little to offer the world outside of reality TV appearances and his dreadful pedestrian stadium plop-rock, he’s needing something in his life to make him feel of worth.

And which beautiful place, filled with history and romance, will host the knot tying? A HOTEL OF COURSE!

On October 1st, Gene Simmons will get married at an ‘iconic Beverly Hills hotel’. Fitting really, seeing as Gene proposed in that most intimate of settings – before a television crew.

We can imagine that the wedding will be filmed too, which is obviously a breathtakingly romantic gesture.

Seeing as there’s already a depressing sex-tape (and if you search for it, you’ll never hear ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is’ in the same way ever again) that features Gene knocking around, TV execs can be hopeful that the Kiss frontman may agree to recording his first shag as a married man too.

*pukes in hand*

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Another stinkin’ obituary here, this time, legendary songwriter Nick Ashford who joins Jerry Leiber amongst the choir invisible who are now going to have one helluva songwriting duo working for them now.

Ashford was half of the legendary Motown songwriting duo Ashford & Simpson who penned more astonishing songs than you’ve had hot dinners.

Together, they wrote hits for Diana Ross, Ray Charles, Chaka Khan, Marvin Gaye, Marlena Shaw and, of course, had a number great records out themselves. So, instead of wallowing, let’s look at the amazing music.

Ashford worked alongside his wife, Valerie Simpson, and promptly went about creating some of the most iconic soul records ever to grace a fortunate ear.

Saldy, Ashford passed away after succumbing to throat cancer.

Their first major hit was Ray Charles’ ‘Let’s Go Get Stoned’ and soon, they were penning hits for Berry Gordy’s Motown label.

This magical pair were married for 38 years and helped numerous artists sell millions of records. Let us listen to some now.

Diana Ross ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’

The true Lady Diana got her signature hit from Ashford and Simpson after she quit The Supremes (who Nick and Valerie also wrote for).

Marlena Shaw ‘California Soul’

Originally written for 5th Dimension (who gave us ‘Up, Up and Away’), this song’s finest reading came from the sassy Marlena Shaw. Arguably the best tune written in Cali’s honour.

Ray Charles ‘I Don’t Need No Doctor’

While ‘…Stoned’ may have been Ashford’s biggest number for Charles, the best is the wonderful dancefloor stormer that is ‘I Don’t Need No Doctor’.

Valerie & Nick ‘I’ll Find You’

The couple originally released their own records and penned this fantastic soulful track. While it may not have been a hit, you can certainly hear the outrageous talent the pair had as performers on this cut.

Marvin Gaye  & Tammi Terrell ‘You’re All I Need To Get By’

One of Motown’s most famous tracks, performed by Motown’s first couple, written by Motown’s First Couple.

Chaka Khan ‘I’m Every Woman’

Ashford and Simpson weren’t just tied to soul music, making the transition into disco with aplomb. Chaka Khan’s famous song of female empowerment came from the pens of Ashford and Simpson and still sounds as fresh as ever.

Valerie Simpson ‘Silly Wasn’t I?’

Off the radar, Ashford and Simpson continued to make records and this is one that in more famous hands, would’ve sold a trillion copies. That doesn’t make it less good. This is perfect soul.

Ashford & Simpson ‘Solid’

Even in the ’80s, the pair were still writing giganto hits, this time, the immediately recognisable ‘Solid’, which finally saw the couple having a hit under their own names.

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So far the death of Michael Jackson has given a lot to his fans – but what if you’re a fan of giant anticlimaxes?

Don’t worry – Michael Jackson has you covered, too. Because the custody battle over Michael Jackson’s kids, which looked certain to be a scrap between Katherine Jackson, Debbie Rowe, the children’s biological parents and Diana Flipping Ross, is over. From now on, those kids belong to Katherine Jackson.

The children must be thrilled – because nobody’s more like Michael Jackson than Katherine Jackson. Apart from a half-melted waxwork figurine of a Munch painting, obviously, but that’d just be impractical.

As ridiculous as the (literally) brainless death of Michael Jackson and all the ensuing hoopla was, it’s important to remember that there are children involved.

No, not like that you pervert. We mean Michael Jackson’s actual kids. Or the kids that Michael Jackson claimed were his, at least. Christ, this is confusing. Anyway, this last last month must have been unbearable for Michael’s three children. They’ve lost their father, they’ve been forced to cry on global television by Janet Jackson and – worst of all – they’ve realised that nobody really wants them.

The custody battle for Michael Jackson kids was supposed to be epic – Katherine Jackson was supposed to want them, Debbie Rowe was supposed to want them, Diana Ross was supposed to want them, their own biological parents might have wanted them – but none of that happened. Diana Ross went quiet, the real parents never turned up and Debbie Rowe told the whole world that she didn’t want anything to do with them. That left 79-year-old Katherine Jackson, who got custody of the kids yesterday, more or less by default. Time reports:

Michael Jackson’s brood will indeed be growing up Jackson, but not without the occasional visit from a familiar face. Debbie Rowe will officially return to the lives of her two birth children, according to a joint statement between Rowe’s and Katherine Jackson’s attorney, released early Thursday.

Good. The children have been through a horrific upheaval, so it’s heartening to know that they’ll spend the rest of their lives being looked after by their grandmother. Well, not the rest of their lives, obviously. The woman’s almost 80, for crying out loud. At best she’s probably only got the strength to raise them for another five years or so, at which point they’ll have to go through this whole harrowing procedure again.

But, still, it’s nice that Debbie Rowe has agreed to visit the children from time to time, so at least their constant morbid fear that they’ll witness the deaths of two of their guardians within the space of a couple of years will be punctuated by the awkwardness of occasional semi-formal appointments with the woman who famously sold away her parental rights for cash while Michael Jackson was still alive. That’s something, right?

But, hey, on the plus side that new Jackson Three album is going to be pretty kickass.

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Michael Jackson’s kids must be going through a horrific time at the moment – their dad has just died, after all.

Worse still, it looks like they’re going to be at the centre of a confusing, emotionally-exhausting custody battle. But maybe, just maybe, help is at hand. And it comes in the shining, mad-eyed, massively unsuitable form of Diana Ross.

That’s right. Michael Jackson stated in his will that if his mother is unable to look after his kids, then Diana Ross – his co-star in The Wiz – should. And if she can’t, then the giant plasticine rabbit from Moonwalker should. Probably.

Right, this is probably going to take some explaining. Michael Jackson is dead, this much we know. And, aside from massive debt and a robot version of his own head, Michael Jackson also left behind three young children. And that’s where things start to get confusing.

Because Michael Jackson almost certainly wasn’t the biological father of the children. And the woman who everyone thought was the biological mother of the children – the one who traded all form of parental access for cash three years ago – might not be the mother after all. And that’s why Michael Jackson has decided that the only person who could ever properly raise his kids is his mother Katherine – who you may remember as the woman who sold Michael Jackson’s childhood for a quick buck 40 years ago, ultimately setting him on the path that led to his death.

The problem with this is that Katherine Jackson is a 79-year-old women, and it doesn’t seem very practical for her to care for Michael Jackson’s kids. Not because the children will be freaked out by the prospect of living with a frail, gnarled old lady – because, come on, look at who their dad was – but because it’d obviously be quite exhausting for her. So, like the all-knowing figure of universal love that he was, Michael Jackson concocted a plan-B while writing his will.

That plan? Fobbing the kids off to Diana Ross. Seriously. AFP reports:

“I have intentionally omitted to provide my former wife, Deborah Jean Rowe Jackson,” Jackson stated in the will, which was dated July 7, 2002. “If any of my children are minors at the time of my death, I nominate my mother, Katherine Jackson as guardian … If Katherine Jackson fails to survive me, or is unable or unwilling to act as guardian, I nominate Diana Ross as guardian.”

Diana Ross. Diana Ross. How’s that going to make Debbie Rowe feel, for crying out loud? She can’t look after the children but Diana Ross – the notoriously cranky and apparently balding pensioner who was once arrested for allegedly fondling a security guard’s breasts at an airport and has spent time in rehab this decade dealing with her drug and alcohol problems – can? Talk about a kick in the teeth.

We feel for Michael Jackson’s kids, we really do. Imagine how they’ll feel, sitting down day after day to listen to another one of Auntie Diana’s interminable stories about what Gene Simmons‘ penis looks like. And they won’t even be able to go outside for a kickabout because Diana Ross is crap at that as well.

Still, it could be worse. It’s clear that Michael Jackson wanted his kids to be cared for by a star from one of his films, so those kids should probably be breathing a sigh of relief that they’re not currently on a minibus heading towards Joe Pesci‘s house. That’s something, right?

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