It’s christmas. Woopdeedoo and loop de loop and all that. Yes, that’s right, since you all asked so fucking nicely, we didn’t bother to do a video this week as it’s the festive season and is therefore all about building up your hopes in order to dash them.
In fact, we’re so set on driving you all to distraction that we’re going to have Christmas specials every week now because that’s exactly what christmas is all about. Incessant disappointment until you eat so much chocolate and drink so much cheap sherry that you may as well check into Dignitas on Boxing Day.
Still, euthanasia aside, it’s always best to start the Christmas period as early as possible because that’s where you make the most money and since all of you dribbling gits out there in internet land believe that the Christmas period can only officially begin when the Coca Cola advert has tugged its way around your heartstrings, we decided to start as soon as they do.
So, it’s the weekend. You’re off work and away from the evils of school. What’s the best possible thing to do with your free time? If you’re the Dillon family, then looking at sofas seems to be just that.
Bugger off theme parks and paintballing! It’s all about the thrill of walking around an empty shop that always has a sale on.
Granddad wants a leather sofa because he’s a bondage fanatic. Gran wants leather and fabric because she likes to experiment. Sam asked for red and Suzie wanted flowers. Dad told them to piss off as he’s buying the bastard thing and won’t pay over £600 for something that cost £40 to make in China. Mum’s even tighter and won’t go over £300. The cheesy salesman rubbed his hands as he sold them something that’ll collapse and break just as the warranty expires.
But that doesn’t matter! In a year’s time they’ll be back for more comedy adventures in DFS when Sam gets his hand stuck down the back of the sofa and Granddad meets his mistress at the checkout.
At hecklerspray, we’re always up for a knees-up. Even if we’re not invited, we’ll at least try to crash various parties until the police are called.
The next major party on our calendar is that of our lord saviour Jesus Christ. When he was born on December 25, not only did he know he’d be worshiped by millions, but he’d have to die for our sins. Sorry about that Jesus – we didn’t mean to squash the neighbour’s cat when reversing down the street.
Instead of it being called Jesus day, that day is often referred to as Christmas. While we use it to chomp on dry turkey, multinational corporations use it as a tool to promote their badly-made product.
Bearing in mind that it’s only just November, DFS are already telling us to buy quickly so they can deliver an Italian three-piece suite to our house in time for Christmas. Last time we checked, sofas and Jesus had nothing in common. That’s unless he was a greasy Italian man who made chairs and talked in a funny accent while eating pizza.
This advert isn’t the worst one we’ve seen on TV, but the fact that Christmas is being whored out to us now is nothing short of depressing. Every year Christmas seems to be arriving that little bit quicker. Expect Easter eggs to be prominently displayed from the 2nd of January 2009. You know, so you can buy early and save precious pennies.
It’s christmas. Woopdeedoo and loop de loop and all that. Yes, that’s right, since you all asked so fucking nicely, we didn’t bother to do a video this week as it’s the festive season and is therefore all about building up your hopes in order to dash them.
