From one extreme of crash liquid diets to the other extreme of “yo, pass me that box of Ding Dongs“, Oprah’s weight has inexplicably become a fascinating topic to people. Actually, take out the word ‘weight’ from that sentence and you’ve still got a mighty true statement, but nonetheless, Oprah is going to do a 21-day vegan detox diet.

Does this mean we have to see her strut out to show off her new skinny outfits like she always does after a diet? Wait, we don’t watch anyway, so who really gives a lovely toss?

Why is it that Oprah Winfrey, a woman who without makeup looks like a wax figure of Carl Weathers melting slowly on a hot day, has the world so fascinated with her weight? Maybe it’s because she’s become so ridiculously rich and famous by interviewing maniacal jumping bean Tom Cruise and giving away free crap on her talk show that everyone assumes she should just be able to pay people to club her with nightsticks every time she reaches for something that would break her diet, and therefore, has no excuse to be a fatty.

Well shame on you. Shame on all of you. Like every other fat person in America, Oprah’s fluctuations in weight are obviously due to a glandular problem. Her glands are likely clogged up with junk so she’s going to stop eating meat and dairy and sugar – you know, food and stuff – by going on a hippie-ish sounding detox vegan diet.

So, for 21 days she’ll eat nothing that is an animal, from an animal, or has been given a sideways glance by an animal in order to help detoxify her body. Why, you may ask, would one take upon themselves such a feat that some might call exhausting, inane overkill? Oprah tells us the answer right here:

“This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Oprah has even started a delightful blog on her website about her experience eating nothing but soy sweat and air:

“I had been focused on what I had to give up – sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese. ‘What’s left?’ I thought. Apparently a lot. I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight, beginning with breakfast – strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.”

Oh, sorry, that’s soy sweat, air, and scrumptious strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.

Good luck, Oprah. We look forward to your next detox diet in which you take a three week break from sucking the innards out of men and stop consuming the souls of sad, lonely, dumped housewives all over the world.

Read more:

Oprah’s 21-Day Diet Detox – People