But maybe you really do think that the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding was the wedding of the year. Maybe you genuinely believe that the love between Ashlee and Pete is deep and genuine and true and pure and everlasting. Maybe, in other words, you’re an idiot.

If so then you’ll want to read on, because a whole bunch of new Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding secrets have got out. And, somewhat brilliantly, they all seem to involve Ashlee’s overbearing father Joe Simpson, who was so heavily involved in the whole shebang that you can’t help but sense his disappointment that it wasn’t him getting married to his own 23-year-old daughter. Possibly.

It was the wedding that everyone’s been looking forward to since they realised that it would momentarily distract them from their own inevitable death – Saturday’s Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding. Literally, the wedding was an all-time gold standard for weddings between easily-replaceable members of bands we don’t like and women who we only know because they’re related to excavator-jawed reality TV idiots that only take place because of an accidental unplanned pregnancy.

And what a wedding it was – kept top secret until the last minute just to make it seem more important than it actually was, Pete and Ashlee’s wedding had an Alice In Wonderland theme, where all the guests were deliberately induced with psychoactive micropsia just to make the whole blasted thing more bearable.

What did Ashlee Simpson wear to her wedding? Truth be told we don’t care. Did either Ashlee Simpson or Pete Wentz have the joyful newlywed look about them at any point? We don’t care about that either. We don’t care because it turns out that Joe Simpson, Ashlee Simpson’s father and our new favourite person in the whole world, somehow made the entire wedding about him.

How? E! Online tells you how:

“It was magical and beautiful,” says the guest, who termed the whole affair “The Joe Simpson Show.” After escorting Ashlee down the aisle, Joe Simpson regaled the 100-plus guests with funny and touching stories of his daughter before performing the brief ceremony himself. The elder Simpson got choked up throughout the ceremony, as did Ashlee and Jessica. “They were all crying,” says the source. “It was very moving.”

Genius. Joe Simpson escorted Ashlee Simpson down the aisle, then rushed around and actually performed the wedding ceremony, which was held in his own backyard. Presumably there was a father of the bride speech as well, and we hear that the entire wedding reception entertainment consisted of Joe Simpson muttering to himself through a microphone in a corner.

Of course, we should have seen this coming – word has it that the wedding invites read ‘Joe Simpson presents Joe Simpson and the Joe Simpson family inviting you to the wedding of Joe Simpson’s daughter and Joe Simpson’s future son-in-law. Brought to you in association with Joe Simpson Joe Simpson Joe Simpson fear me fear me (ceremony conducted by Joe Simpson)’.

Joe Simpson’s having quite the time of it lately – not only has has been accused of splitting up Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo but he’s also been the main man at his youngest daughter’s wedding too. Truly, Ashlee Simpson’s wedding has to rank among the happiest days of Joe Simpson’s life, at least until science uncovers a way to create a exact female replica of Joe Simpson that Joe Simpson can marry in front of a congregation of alarmingly-aroused Joe Simpson clones in a church that’s an exact scale replica of Joe Simpson’s own rotating face. But this’ll do until then.

Read more:

Inside Ashlee and Pete’s Wedding – E! Online

But tomorrow’s too long to wait! We want to know the skinny about the Tom Cruise/ Oprah Winfrey interview now! So it’s just as well that some poor Oprah-slave has leaked out details of the interview in a not-at-all cynically pre-planned effort to boost Oprah’s ratings tomorrow.

So what hardball questions can we expect Oprah to ask Tom Cruise tomorrow? Well, according to the source, Tom is grilled on his family. And his marriage. And his views on psychiatry. And Scientology. And blah. And snore.

Oprah Winfrey wants ratings bad at the moment. It’s coming up to sweeps, you see, so Oprah’s gone all out to get as many people watching her show as possible. She’s made David Blaine hold his breath for ages, she’s reanimated the corpses of Cher and Tina Turner and, as a top-secret showstopper next week, she plans to host the second coming of Jesus Christ so she can dress him up as Miley Cyrus and give him a free car.

But the real draw of all this, of course, is the return of Tom Cruise. That’s not a surprise by now – we all know that Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s settee three years ago and then didn’t invite Oprah to his wedding and now they’re friends again because nobody likes Tom Cruise enough to let him on the telly any more. That’s old news.

And so is the news that, in the great big Tom Cruise/ Oprah Winfrey rematch, there’s a snowmobile ride that ends with Oprah having a kind of epileptic arse fantasy about Tom Cruise. So, what about the actual interview itself?

Well, the Associated Press has pulled off a bit of a coup by talking to a source who, under the cover of anonymity, has spilled all the information you could ever wish to read. Sort of:

Tom Cruise’s two-part interview on “The Oprah Winfrey Show” includes a snowmobile ride and a frank discussion of his rocky media image… a person close to the production told The Associated Press Wednesday. Cruise talks candidly with Winfrey about his personal life, said the person, who was not authorized to speak publicly about the show and requested anonymity. He discusses his childhood, life with wife Katie Holmes and their daughter Suri, Scientology and a 2005 appearance on “The Today Show” in which he criticized psychiatry and the use of anti-depressant drugs.

It’s a good job that this source requested anonymity, isn’t it? They were really putting their neck out there by basically just confirming all the stuff that everyone knew would be discussed anyway. We’re sure that if their name was ever divulged, Oprah Winfrey would personally murder them for giving away a series of tantalysing audience-hooking appetite-whetters like that.

Anyway, it looks like this interview is going to be nothing more than a nicely packaged way for an appealingly contrite Tom Cruise to rebuild all the bridges he burnt with his fans by acting like such a crazy bugger a few years ago. And, let’s be honest, it sounds kind of boring.

Still, with tomorrow’s interview out of the way, that leaves the stage set for Monday’s explosive studio interview between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey, which promises to offer everything that fans of nauseating Scientologist-heavy celebrity circlejerks could ever want… and more!

Read more:

AP source: Cruise talks to Oprah about image, faith, family – AP

1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony. 

2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother. 

3) You’re Kevin Federline.  

It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine.  

Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.  

Call us old fashioned, but we always thought our dad was a good dad because he bought us our first head gear to correct our crippling overbite and made pancakes for dinner when mom was gone and didn’t forget to pick us up from the mall too often, but we were way, way off. According to Details magazine, a good dad is Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline. Oh, we forgot to mention that Details magazine also gave him the number seven spot out of fifty of the most influential people under the age of fifty.  

So, apparently, you can be Father of the Year by default if the mother of your children is such a monumental mess that she makes you look like a brilliantly good parent. Thus, applying the default method elsewhere we’d like to announce that the Movie of the Year is Pokemon 2007: Diamond & Pearl because Spiderman 3 and  Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer were so bad that it took several days after seeing them for us to step back from that ledge and remember why life is worth living. 

The Details article did provide some justification for their choices of Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead: 

"Meet America's new parental role models. We all expected Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead to crash and burn as fathers. Instead, by being more visible presences in their children's lives than many Hollywood A-listers, they emerged as unlikely candidates for Dad of Year…The New Dad, as represented by Kevin and Birkhead, is involved. He trucks the kids to the supermarket, decorates their bedrooms, and even lets them dictate the direction of his career.” 

Which of Kevin Federline’s kids dictated his career with the whole PopoZao fiasco? We’re pretty sure it’s Sean Preston. And that, folks, is why you don’t let anyone un-potty trained dictate your career. 

Want to see the entire Details magazine top ten list of who’s the most influential? Nether do we, but it's a space filler. We don’t know who a bunch of these are, or if some of these are even real people, because we’re mostly influenced by the Spice Girls comeback tour and Mr. Belvedere reruns: 

1. Zac Efron, Shia LaBeouf, and the Disney Kids
2. The Surge
3. Mark Zuckerberg – Founder, Facebook.
4. The Bible Beaters – Age: Born Again Yesterday
5. The School Shooters – Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold.
6. The Subprime Sucker – Mortgage Defaulter.
7. The Good Fathers – Kevin Federline and Larry Birkhead.  
8. Muqtada al-Sadr – Shiite Cleric.
9. The Other F-word – Age: Forever young
10. Howard Wolfson – Political Consultant for Hillary Clinton.

Read more: 

K.Fed named 'good father' in influentials list – Stuff