Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Beyonce rocked the shit out of the Superbowl Half-Time Show last night. Her amazing?performance included not just?flashy effects, not just fire, but also lots of?riotous T&A (mostly A … unless you want T to stand for Thighs, in which case there was a significant amount of both).
Overall, Beyonce was?mesmerizing, as always?… but the whole thing, the entire carefully produced?performance,?was?totally ruined by that pathetic, half-assed?Destiny?s Child mini-reunion.
Clothes, they're important aren't they? We wear them to primarily keep us warm, though there are people who?ll pay over the odds for the same white t-shirt, just because they've got a fancy designer label stitched in. But whatever the cost, they all come in handy, especially if hot chip fat is destined towards scalding our genitals.
As adults, we have the choice of whether we want to cover ourselves in the finest clubbed seal, or market-stall clobber. Babies however, have no control in what garments they’re clothed in. Boys wear blue and girls get covered in pink, though both items will have the same eerie smiling bubble bee design.
People don’t mind buying cheap clothes for babies because they grow so appallingly quickly. Anything will do. Most tots are clad in hessian sacks aren’t they? If you're one of the rich and famous, life?s a little easier. Instead of actually buying clothes, it's sometimes appears that designers use newborn children as crawling billboards to promote their stuff. Marc Jacobs won't be complaining after mystery child Blue Ivy Carter has been seen in his tiny person?s shoes.
In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn't think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby?s name, Blue Ivy.
we're not sure if we're allowed to even write ?Blue Ivy? without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually?
Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.
Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.
Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!
Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.
Skin?s nice, isn't it? The biggest organ of all the other organs in your body, according to the internet (though our liver is probably jostling for that accolade), and really good for when you want to stop your other, smaller, organs from falling out and making a mess on the carpet.
Its also pretty good for making a special outfit to wear to old Buffalo Bill?s Valentine?s Day party.
People always say you need to look after your skin, which we do by maintaining a full, thick layer of Vaseline at all times. Beyonce has been looking after her skin, though, by making it white! Seriously. Step away from the Tippex, B, people are starting to think you might be a bit of a racist.
Beyonce is, no doubt, about to fill her Facebook with pictures of her baby despite the fact it has no hair, can’t talk, is probably doing a shit right now and essentially, is like every other baby on Earth. New parents are ghastly aren’t they?
Worse still, is that people are constantly asking people how ‘baby’ is before launching into high-pitched squeaking and saying things like “Amoojieboobieboo? Schmookibaba? BABA? Boogliewoogiedoo? Awopbopaloobop alopbamboom!“
So now, Beyonce has given her first interview about Blue Ivy Carter (who recently became the youngest person to hit the Billboard chart apparently… we’re not sure… didn’t Stevie Wonder have a baby on Isn’t She Lovely?) and she won’t stop going on about it. She even talks about Jay Z being covered in faecal matter.
Jay Z famously had 99 problems but, a bitch wasn’t one of them. And from now on, bitches won’t ever be a problem because he’s decided that he’s not going to degrade women anymore. And it’s all because he’s had a stupid baby with a stupid name.
Ain’t life a funny thing?
Seriously. The rap mogul has vowed to drop the word from his lyrics after the birth of Blue Ivy Carter. Now he’s got someone to care about, he’s realised that referring to women as bitches isn’t really that nice. Of course, his wife, mother and any other female family member must feel more than irked because he’s been happy to call that lot bitches for the best part of 20 years. There’s more! Jiggaman must be extra sensitive because he told us this news via a poem! A POEM! All this, while someone was naming a species of fly after his ‘bitch’, Beyonce.
It is testament to how much people hate parents when you consider that, prior to having a baby, Beyonce Knowles was quite possibly the most admired woman on the face of the planet. And now look at her…
EVERYONE HATES BEYONCE.
See, she’s had her baby with Jay Z, sidestepped the fake bump rumours and slapped the name of Blue Ivy on the child, but it was her time in the hospital that has seen everyone go from COO! to BOOOOOO! I HATE YOU! YOU ROTTEN STINKER! And now, there could be some kind of official investigation at the hospital where Blue Ivy came into the world.
Trying to land the coveted first snaps of a celebrity baby is something all rags and publications fight tooth and nail for and, boy howdy! We’ve only gone and landed the first shots of Beyonce and Jay Z’s new child, Blue Ivy!
We’re as shocked as you are!
And weirdly, we’ve got 50 Cent to thank for such an honour because he leaked them to us, allowing us to share them with you. Very good of Fiddy to give us such an exclusive isn’t it? Yes it is. Wanna see?
A father of premature-twins has complained that Beyonce and Jay-Z?s ?people? stopped him from visiting his newborns in hospital.
Despite doing nothing more remarkable than what women have been doing for thousands of years and without the help of a placenta-grooming team, Beyonce?s medical needs were deemed so important by her minders that they barred other patients from entering the 6th floor neonatal intensive care unit where Queen B was resting up after giving birth to a child presumably named after a toilet-cleaner.
Neil Coulon accused Beyonce?s hired goons of treating the hospital corridor like ?an exclusive nightclub?. By which we mean, enforced a strict entrance policy, rather than charging other patients ?30, flicking the light switches on and off, pissing on the floor then dousing them in Joop! and pheromones.
