Victoria Beckham is having a baby and we’re supposed to give a flying fuck. No, we are. See, even though we won’t ever meet her, like anything she does or indeed, show even the vaguest flicker of interest in her vapid life, we must greet her new child with ticker tape. And hand grenades if you like.
We just don’t care.
We also don’t care that Posh Spice, which we’ll call her because it invariably irritates her, has asked stupid Eva Longoria to be the Godmother of her unborn daughter. A daughter that will, like all newborn babies, will look like a cross between a glans and a close-up of a tick.
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Oh Jesus, Joseph and Mary. It’s over. It’s officially over. We kinda hoped that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker would somehow kiss and make up and continue to be that couple who people vaguely recognised… but no… their marriage is now officially dead, just like our hearts.
The pair finalized their divorce, despite thousands of people showing up and chanting “DON’T DO IT! DON’T MAKE US CRY!” through their attorneys in Texas on Friday.
And all because of some stupid text messages. Read More >>>
Eva Longoria is one of those women who always finds herself in Sexiest Babe polls in rubbish magazines. Therefore, it is safe to assume that the men of the world, by and large, fancy her. So, imagine if you were married to her… you’d be thrilled right?
Not if you’re Tony Parker. See, the NBA star allegedly had a roving eye and sent flirtatious text messages to a bunch of women, the latest being British model Sophia Egeler.
Parker has reportedly counterfiled for divorce against wife Eva Longoria, despite the fact people are muttering about his penchant for sending half-naked photos of himself…. or, as it is now known, Doing A Jason Manford. Read More >>>
The remaining one in Desperate Housewives that you would still ‘do’ since That Quite Fit One Who Used To Be In Something Else But Has Now Left has absolutely excelled herself by trivialising one of adult life’s most traumatic moments in a ‘tweet’.
Amazing.
A ‘tweet’.
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Remember when Nicollette Sheridan left Desperate Housewives, and your first reaction was “Who’s Nicollette Sheridan?”
Remember that? And remember that, once someone explained to you who Nicollette Sheridan was, your second reaction was “Wait, Desperate Housewives is still going? That’s weird”? Remember that? And then, once someone explained to you that, yes Desperate Housewives was still going and that, yes, it was quite weird, remember that your next reaction was “So why did Nicollette Sheridan leave Desperate Housewives?”
And now we know. According to a lawsuit filed by Nicollette Sheridan herself, she left because producer Marc Cherry punched her in the face, then fired her when she threatened to complain about it, then said that he wished Teri Hatcher would get fatally wounded in a car accident. So, in short, Nicollette Sheridan left Desperate Housewives because Marc Cherry sounds awesome.
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Folded:
- In the Loop (more creative swearing than you’ll ever need)
- Stewart Lee (for having the stones to allow his recent awful TV show to air at all)
- Vintage ice creams (good old Freaky Feet. Though spot the one that shouldn’t be there)
- Laughing at people attempting to have a picnic in lukewarm sunshine (bet that tin of Frutini is transporting you right to Bondi beach, isn’t it?)
- gamesTM (far, far, far and away the best video games magazine on the market)
Creased:
- This hair (belongs on a man who only ever wears black 501s)
- BBC2 not showing the second season of The Wire straight away (‘in a few weeks’ they say. ‘Mid May’ we’ve heard. When’s season three going out then? Christmas Day?)
- V-Water (the orange one smells like baby piss. Probably tastes like it too, you’ll have to ask around to confirm that)
- Desperate Housewives anti-climax (kill a character somebody might care about why don’t ya?)
- Picturehouse cinemas (full of poncy tossers who think that smiling is only for those without a post-grad education)
Nothing makes us sadder than when a woman we don’t recognise leaving a show we don’t care about.
So at the moment we’re pretty bloody sad. Nicolette Sheridan, the least-famous member of the Desperate Housewives cast, is leaving Desperate Housewives. We know, they still make Desperate Housewives. Weird, huh?
Anyway, nobody knows exactly what Nicolette Sheridan will do with her time after she leaves Desperate Housewives, but we’re pretty sure that if we all start chanting “Hatcher next” together in unison soon enough then it won’t be long before ABC is forced to comply with our evil demands.
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Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in dry concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal.
There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.
Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.
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