Dermot O'Leary - HecklerSpray

Little Mix And Tulisa Toast X Factor Success With A Kebab

December 13th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Hey you, quick, come out from behind the sofa. It's all over, honest. After nearly four months, the auto-tuned X Factor singers won't be making anymore feature length appearances on ITV to ruin your weekend.

As we all know, Little Mix were voted as the winners. Or, it was all fixed by Simon Cowell for them so we can have a girl group that are slightly more polished around the edges than when Girls Aloud first started out. Learn from your mistakes and whatnot.

So how exactly do you celebrate winning a national competition which has been steadily declining in viewers each week? Sip on champagne whilst hanging out with record execs? Little Mix had Tulisa as a mentor. She took them for a kebab instead.

The X Factor Final Review: The One Where No More X Factor Ever Ever Happened Ever Again For a Bit

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Hello. Do you remember when you watched The X Factor final yesterday? Well, by an astonishing coincidence, so did we. And crikey, wasn?t it just totally and definitely and absolutely unequivocally passable? Yeah. Take that, H8ERS.

*Dermot tongue roll* ALRIIIIGHT. It was in two halves, like the bloody brilliant darling that it is. Is it possible to be too entertained? The answer is of course c) Kaposi?s sarcoma.

Nonetheless, yes they absolutely poured out a grand total of FOUR. HOURS. That's like an hour and twenty minutes per finalist. How many times can we hear Marcus say, “I used to be a hairdresser, and now I’m a singer a bit.” over and over in varying incorporations? Obviously, once you chop out all the adverts that's only about twelve minutes or so though, obviously. No bigz. ?So then. We love adverts. They really really make us want to buy produce via an amusing or creative short film piece. Our favourite advert of course is the one where the little boy can't wait to give his parents a Christmas present, and how it really really made us want to buy padlocks for our doors. Oh alright, ?The X Factor? then. Here?s loads of wank about it, in two sections.

Little Mix Can Supposedly Change People?s Lives

December 9th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Tomorrow is the final of the X Factor. It’s the one episode of the series that most of the general public tune-in for, apart from the audition rounds when we can laugh at delusional, frog-eyed members of the public.

Other talent shows may spend the maximum of sixty minutes announcing their winner, but X Factor will be stretching the process over four hours across the weekend. Unless you bought into the conspiracy theory that Amelia Lily is set to win due to the HMV pre-order error, then you have no real reason to watch. Unless your life is completely empty and devoid of any human contact.

X Factor has never produced a winning group, meaning that Tulisa will be spurring on her act – Little Mix – to victory. Aside from the records, the magazine shoots and inevitable quirky interview with some Channel 4 yoof show, what else can they do for us? According to mentor Tulisa, they can make a massive difference to our lives. We hope so, the guttering needs doing.

The X Factor Review; Week 16: Louis Walsh’s Wikipedia Search History, A Love Story

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

We have two more weeks of The X Factor left, and then we can go and do something else in our brains. We know. It’s amazing. Amazing how it’s all gone so marrow-achingly slow isn't it? Amazing how time can absolutely not shift for three months in the slightest sometimes.

Amazing. A bit like how 2001: A Space Odyssey covered thousands of years scoping from the dawn of men to beyond the infinite. Or a bit like how The Curious Case of Benjamin Button lasted infinity-hundred?hours long and achieved absolute zippo.?A bit like that, a BIT like that?

And hey! Talking of clutching at straws?

X Factor Review Week 15: Angina in Your Hand

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Well, what another hotbed of mayhem and violation of societal norms it’s been on the X Factor this week.

Whatever you do, don’t let us go on and on about it, kay?

This week on The X Factor, the sound editors got in an extra crate of Aftershock (Spiced Berry black, obviously. They’re not squares) and decided to insult our intelligence! Yeah, as opposed to the norm of respecting us with sincere background music choices that somehow formulate a narrative on a reality entertainment show. Yeah, truth man!

Is Kelly Rowland Ditching UK X Factor For USA, Boo Boo?

November 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

This year, the UK version of the X Factor has gone through some serious changes. For starters, there’s no Simon Cowell with his rolling eyes and odd man-baps on the judging panel. Cheryl Cole vanished too, leaving us with Gary Barlow, Tulisa and Kelly Rowland to sit with the increasingly distressing Louis Walsh.

Tulisa, who has been surprisingly likeable in the past, ballsed up her chances of capturing our hearts after showcasing a staggering lack of pop knowledge (not knowing what rock music is and having never heard of the dazzlingly famous ‘Think’ by Aretha Franklin) as well as droning devoid of emotion like a post-match football interview. Don’t start us on her idea that Little Mix are somehow a feminist statement.

That leaves Gary to fulfil the Simon role and Kelly to be the ‘likeable, if slightly insane’ one. And now, it looks like she’s going to ditch the UK for X Factor USA because she obviously can’t be bothered dealing with Tulisa anymore.

X Factor Set To Ruin More Film Themes But Not If We Had Our Way

November 18th, 2011 By Robin Darke

THIS WEEK! ITS TIME! TO SING! SONGS FROM MOVIES! And probably not do a very good job at them. It's ?Movie Week? everybody. That's song from films that have been released in the old cinema.

Past year?s have had some truly terrifying performances, like Olly Murs waggling his penis to ?Twist And Shout,? Joe McElderry being generally closeted singing ?Circle of Life? and the Dreadward doing ?Ghostbusters.?

There was also the dichotomy of awful and brilliance (and the resurgence of Louis Walsh? famed Rulebook) when Jamie Afro (the awful) sang ?Crying? by Roy Orbison from the brilliantly nihilistic film Gummo. Needless to say Louis had no idea what Gummo was and almost lost his Lucky Charms over it, but what was stranger was Simon Cowell did know what it was. Perhaps he tried to buy the rights to remake the film with Eoghan Quigg as Bunny Boy. Or perhaps he knew that the most diverse film Louis Walsh has seen was ?Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert,? and wanted to really blow sand up his vagina.

X Factor Week 11 Review: The Khaki Horror Bitch Tableau

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Happy Halloween! Lots of love, The X Factor. And boy, what a massively inconvenient (or should we say SPOOKY) set of affairs the week offered up for Saturday Night?s show. These devastating (or should we say GHOULSOME!) happenings came in a threefold sequence throughout last week.

1. Kelly Rowland is for some reason angry and in America.
2. Rhythmix have got sued or something and now have had to change their name to LITTLE MIX which isn't as funny as ?Micheal Barrymore?s Pool Party?, ?Team Logic? or ?Sophie Habibas? but we guess it'll have to do.
3. Some bloke left either The Risk/Nu Vibe and a man from either The Risk/Nu Vibe replaced him. Maybe. We can't be sure, because we don't care.

These are the stone cold FACTS, so get use to it ? because we not entirely convinced we’re in Kansas anymore like we usually are obviously, but instead in the United Kingdom watching the X Factor despite any cognitive differences instead.

The X Factor Week 10 Review: A Million Rocks Songs Later And Here I Am

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

So, what IS rock music? Well guys, “rock” was a musical movement invented by Simon Cowell in the mid-2000s. A genre that was ostensibly about dancing but was in fact a thinly-veiled allusion to sex culminating from 50s blues riffs and a 4/4 beat utilizing a verse chorus form.

To further delve into this cultural phenomenon, please refer to minutes 1.26 to 1.36 of the following?video.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when ?rock music? properly settled in Western culture specifically, but hecklerspray?s investigations have come up with a couple of answers. It could be argued for instance, that the first fleeting moments of the genre came to a head all the way back in 2002, ?with??Sam from Barnsley?s‘ original interpretation of local Wigan barbershop quartet Bon Jovi’s classic love song ?Always? on Pop Idol 2. You may have been confused by it's unique rawr rawr guitarry kind of noises, risqu? use of ?real emotion?, and omitting the g?s on the end of words that usually have g?s at the time. You may still be. So remember all of that, because that may be important later.

X Factor Week 9 Review: You Can’t Hurry Love-Themed 2 Hour X Factor Programmes

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Hey guys. The X Factor?s still on. But that's totally cool because the 100 Year War ran over a couple of decades too, and that was just as important, so not to worry. Those House of the Plantagenet dudes probably had issues connecting their own personal stresses in life to Lighthouse Family lyrics too. Oh, life.

But as Virginia Woolf once said, ?When Frankie Cocozza had those girl?s names cauterized into his sigmoid colon, he was probably just a bit tipsy.?

The theme for this week was of course LOVE AND HARMONY. So, in celebration of that, we're going to get off our ivory towers, and ride our high horses back down to Planet Earth and be nice about The X Factor for a change. Because All You Need is Love, as The Beatles once said, which is true. But they also said ?We all live in a yellow submarine?, which isn't technically accurate, and that ?Happiness is a warm gun?, when in fact ? quite hilariously ? happiness is actually an abstract concept brought on by endogenous opioid peptides that adopt temporary feelings of exhilaration! Haha! God, those guys and their heroin, eh?