No. No, obviously Britney Spears isn’t happy. In fact, judging by the slivers that have been leaked out about next month’s Britney Spears documentary Britney: For The Record, the poor girl seems sadder than ever. In the documentary, you see, Britney Spears compares her entire life to a prison sentence.

That’s not so bad, really – at least in prison you get three square meals a day, a bed to sleep on and as many violent bummings as a girl could wish for – but Britney Spears goes one step further than that. In fact, Britney Spears says her life is like Groundhog Day. And since that means it’ll culminate in a romantic encounter with Andie MacDowell, it’s clearly far far worse than any of us could possible imagine.

For a recovering psychiatric patient who couldn’t even feed herself earlier this year, Britney Spears has come on great shakes in recent months. She’s been granted increased visitation rights to her children, she’s got her professional life back on track to the extent that her singles go to number one, she’s allowed to sing alongside Madonna again and the thought of Britney Spears naked no longer inspires vomiting and madness.

So what’s Britney Spears got to be miserable about? Well, since you asked, everything.

As part of what looks like a trade-off with MTV where she gets to win all sorts of awards that she doesn’t deserve, the network is airing a warts and all documentary about Britney’s darkest days called something like Britney: Requiem For A Scalp later this month, and it looks as if it’ll be as wildly depressing as anything you could ever imagine.

For instance, now that her parents are keeping her personally and financially under lockdown, Britney Spears feels as if her life has become a prison sentence that she’ll never be freed from. Admittedly it’s a prison sentence in a jail that looks a lot like a sprawling mansion and, rather than get paid pennies for sewing mailbags, she gets paid millions of dollars to repeat the word ‘womanizer’ over and over to the sound of a Casio keyboard preset, but anyway. Here’s how Britney describes her life:

“I have really good days, and then I have bad days… Even when you go to jail, y’know, there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like ‘Groundhog Day.’ I’m having to pay for it for a really long time. If I wasn’t under the restraints that I’m under right now, I’d feel so liberated.”

Since historically Britney Spears seems to equate liberation with falling out of cars without any pants on, throwing up on relative strangers and smashing cars to pieces with an umbrella in bald-headed rage attacks, we’d argue that her current restraints are probably for the best for the time being.

But still, let’s just hope that MTV only decided to leak the most depressing segment of Britney: They Shoot Horses, Dont They. Because, honestly, if this is as lighthearted the documentary gets, we’re going to boycott the new Britney Spears album in case she ends up blowing the royalties on a nice new noose.

But get this, they're not. Rumour has it that Amy Winehouse's new songs are called things like I Love Moonbeams And Glitter-Monkeys and Boys Make My Heart Go Cock-A-Doodle-Doo! and are all so happy that they could probably be used on a Haribo advert.

Just kidding – Amy Winehouse's new songs are so depressing that her friends think she'll kill herself soon. But we had you going, didn't we? April fool!

The list of things – self-inflicted or otherwise – that Amy Winehouse has to deal with every day includes self-harm, the abuse of hard drugs, some rubbish tattoos, a husband incarcerated for a violent attack, constant media scrutiny and an illness that makes her skin look all weird.

Ironically these are the exact same circumstances that Lipps Inc went through when they wrote Funky Town, but Amy Winehouse seems to have veered off in another direction. Amy Winehouse, you see, is in the process of writing a new album. And how do you follow up the multi award-winning biggest-selling album of 2007? Simple – by being so weirdly fixated on death that it makes The Holy Bible by Manic Street Preachers sound like Rhythm Is A Dancer. Digital Spy reports:

A source revealed: "Her next album is darker than ever. Amy’s got low self-esteem anyway but her skin has made her want to hide away from the rest of the world. And we have started noticing more and more cuts on her arms. Her problems are pushing her over the edge and she’s turning into a depressed recluse. It’s not good for her to stay in so much. People try to get her to leave the house and tell her not to worry about what people say. But she’d rather sit around her dingy flat all day writing about death."

Which is weird, because we heard that Amy Winehouse's new album was going to be a set of Christmas songs recorded with Mika. Actually, if that's the case it explains the depression completely. Imagine being shut in a soundproofed room with Mika for weeks at a time. We want to kill ourselves, and we're just imagining you imagining being trapped in a room with Mika. We can only imagine how Amy feels.

Anyway it all sounds very serious, and those around her must fear that Amy Winehouse will imminently try to commit suicide if these lyrics are as dark as everyone says. But on the plus side, her songs will probably be used less on Dancing On Ice and X Factor if they're called things like The Shrieking Unrelenting Blackness Of My Poisoned Soul. So it all balances out really.

Besides, just because Amy Winehouse is writing some depressed lyrics, it doesn't mean that she's going to kill herself. Look at Ian Curtis, for example.

OK, bad example. 

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New Winehouse album is 'suicidal' - Digital Spy