Back in 2004, there was a video released of two WWE wrestlers going at it hammer and tongues. Seriously. Sadly for you weirdos, it wasn’t a ‘feature’ that starred Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair in a bath giving each other toe-jobs, but rather, a proper grotgramme that saw X-Pac and Chyna grunting at each other.

So what did we learn from the experience? Well, we discovered that X-Pac likes to wear incredibly tight trousers away from the ring and that Chyna has an ugly piercing in a delicate part of her anatomy. The pair also rut like pigs in swill.

The whole thing left a bad taste in the mouth, right? Well, not for Chyna. That’s because she’s making another porn film which X-Pac is graciously refusing to watch, saying: “It’s too hard remembering how devastated she was the first time around.”

Ho ho! Someone being devastated! Oh how we love personal trauma and the destructive behaviour that can sometimes result from it!

See, Chyna has a history of worrying behaviour. She’s had problems with substance abuse, battling drug and alcohol addiction. Oh! Not to mention mental illness. So if you’ve jacked off to that bongo vid, then you’ve become aroused by someone who is clinically insane. That makes you a special kind of weirdo. Well done you.

Still, either way, we couldn’t help but laugh when we read that story in the New York Post about the time she stripped naked in a nightclub and then jumped in a fish tank. Insanity or no insanity, that’s a riot!

But X-Pac, a man who promotes pantomime violence for a living isn’t so amused by it all. He says:

“It saddens me … but she obviously hasn’t progressed very far in life.”

“Chyna used to say how low she felt after the first sex tape was released … what does that say about where she’s at in life now?”

She’s in the vicinity of a group of well endowed men we would have thought, with her privates being dunked into a bucket of ice.

D’uh.

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Nobody likes being the loner at a party who awkwardly shuffle around groups of people before realising that, after two hours, the hat-stand is more popular than them. Trust us, we’ve been there and tried everything from buying everybody drinks and bribing with deliciously greasy takeaways as a means of becoming popular.

Sadly, we’re still friendless and live in a bedsit above a brothel.

Sadly, Kerry Katona is the loner equivalent in the “celebrity” world where she waddles around from pillar to post, desperately seeking out fame, friends and magazine exposure.

Originally, she gained notoriety in 1999 with the ropey pop trio Atomic Kitten and left in 2001. That’s an entire decade of her hanging around and gnawing away on the general public as she attempts to forge something for herself.

Normally when we label someone “desperate”, we get all sorts of people telling us we’re failures at life.

However, it’s safe to say that Kerry Katona is a glorified fame whore who’ll go to any extent to not only be in the limelight but to promote any product, despite how stupid it is.

Once again Katona is living on former glories and loves to remind us that she was the best at shoving kangaroo cock in to her mouth when she won I’m A Celebrity. Other reality TV beckoned but sadly failed with Katona attempting to bag a place on Celebrity Big Brother, only being thwarted by doctors telling her she was a little bit mental.

In between all of the above, MTV viewers have been treated to Kerry Katona shrieking around her house in a fly-on-the-wall programme.

This did little to shift public perception of her as the show’s content mainly focused on her spending more money than she had on pointless tat, shouting at her ex husband and generally complaining about being fat whilst knocking back multiple meals. At the same time.

Add to this, the lovely time when Kerry got busted by the News of the World in a non phone hacking scandal to show her ALLEGEDLY tooting cocaine at home and you’ve got a situation so dire that she even got dropped by Iceland to flog their range of rancid food.

She now needs some way of butting in to our lives. And what better way with another reality show? Step forward Dancing On Ice which is pretty similar to Strictly Come Dancing, but performed on frozen water. Digital Spy reports Kerry Katona harping on to the squawking panel that is Loose Women:

“I think you can hear me before you see me – you can hear me laughing because I’m really loud. But as soon as the live show comes on I get very nervous and go really quiet,” she said. “I really want to be liked again. The public for me are my family.”

So that means we’re like family to Kerry Katona? Well, we like to dish out advice like a good family member should. And the advice is this:

Go away.

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No matter where you go, we are constantly told that Cheryl Cole is the nation’s sweetheart. Newspapers convey this to us and even the butcher will inform you as he’s tenderising a turkey’s face.

It seems that if you release a couple of pop songs, smack a toilet attendant in the face and catch malaria, you’ll capture the hearts of the country. She is basically Princess Diana 2.0.

On the other side of the coin is Kerry Katona, a woman who has seemingly had every possible trauma happen to her. From messy divorces, drug busts and exaggerated medical conditions surely it would been irresponsible for a major TV network to film someone having potential nervous breakdowns? Oh, hold on, people like watching that? Based on that argument, Kerry Katona will soon be dubbed ‘the nation’s tragedy.’

The only TV work Kerry Katona got was when she performed in girlband Atomic Kitten, that program where a load of non-famous people went in to the Australian jungle, dire Iceland adverts and most recently, a fly on the wall documentary for MTV. Featuring her ex, Mark Croft, it was a confusing show which didn’t really have a narrative, just thirty minutes of annoying bickering and arguing.

ITV2 are responsible for a number of shows which really makes us think that we’re destined to be getting our own series. After all, Katie Price, Peter Andre and Alex Reid have already been given a TV crew to follow their every move. Most of the time, the series featuring these individuals are only broadcast when they are due to open a library or have some sort of product to plug.

If hecklerspray was given its own reality show, we wouldn’t expect a three year contract. Instead, a lifetime opportunity would be thrust our way in order for us to entertain people via the medium of TV. Viewers would get to marvel at us struggling to complete basic day to day tasks such as making a bed, getting locked out the house and accidentally grating the skin off our fingers when attempting to make one of those food things you lot call ‘a salad’.

Kerry Katona has nothing on us, however Now Magazine report:

“She’s just signed a three-year deal with ITV for the reality show and is loving filming the shows. They’re getting brilliant ratings and she’s had so much support. It’s really real and watching it back even shocks her, she can’t believe how much she’s changed.”

If anyone would like to find out how many members of the hecklerspray writing team it takes to change a lightbulb, then you’ll be able to find out in the first episode of our new series, “Blog, sweat and tears.”

Now all we need is a production company with more money than sense.

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Christmas is a time for families to come together, drink copious amounts of alcohol and eat sweets all day without feeling guilty. Oh, and remember the birth of Jesus H. Christ our Lord and saviour. Come Boxing Day, everyone suddenly realises they’re half a stone heavier than they should be and they need to lose the flab.

Time to dust off that gym membership and hit the treadmill early? No, all we need is an unqualified famous person to educate us via the medium of DVD.

Hooray for Kerry Katona, the woman who has clawed her way back from celebrity abyss to once again annoy the living heck out of us. Her Real Fitness DVD is due to hit shops at the end of December. How disappointing it won’t be in our stocking on Christmas Day. Our Yule is ruined.

If we were genius marketing types, then we’d cash-in by flogging the DVD during the Christmas period which is when all comedians and tinpot celebrities release stuff. Oddly, December 27th is when this bugger is coming out.

Kerry said:

“I’m delighted to be releasing this fitness DVD. I have struggled with my weight over the last few years but this year I have stayed totally focused on maintaining a healthy body and mind.”

We’d like to point out that when Kerry Katona was previously unhappy with her body, exercise and salads weren’t on the top of her list. Instead, she was hacked open by a surgeon who sucked out litres of fat from her. Subsequently, she then did a shoot for a lad’s mag. We assume that users won’t be guaranteed similar results. That’s unless the first thousand copies of the DVD come with a free scalpel for DIY surgical fun.

It seems that we’re on for an onslaught of Kerry Katona in our lives. Whilst a chain of kebab shops would be the ideal advertising coup for the former Atomic Kitten singer, following her cringe worthy Iceland adverts, food isn’t where she’s turning to.

Instead, some naïve production company want us to see the real Kerry Katona. So that’ll be the opposite of the one featured on MTV when she was off her nut on booze, prescription drugs and illegal substances?

ITV2 are certainly keeping in with its decision of filling their dead air space with shit programs with yet another fly on the wall program featuring Katona. Titled ‘Coming Clean’, we assume it’ll be her blaming her ex husband Mark Croft.

It’s a tried and tested formula with tangerine lookalike Katie Price doing the same in her program as Peter Andre is doing in his. Expect Alex Reid to blag his own if his marriage goes tits up.

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Of all the celebrities in the known universe, Kerry Katona has to be one of the most gaspingly awful. She couldn’t really sing, can’t really muster up the acting talent to get through an Iceland commercial and is only ever on the radar elsewhere when she’s making a mess of her life.

There is, naturally, a human under all this, but that shouldn’t stop us from being idiotically nasty about her because basically, that’s our job… just as hers is to provide us all with the ammo to throw back at her.

And so, what’s she up to now? Well, she’s actively encouraging us to sharpen our arrows and prime our slings as she’s ranted and spat about Wayne Rooney’s alleged infidelity with a prostitute, dubbing it “absolutely disgusting”.

In fairness to Katona, she is right when she says that Wayne Rooney’s sexing of a lady of the night is disgusting. However, any sexual activity involving simiantastic Rooney is going to be disgusting. Imagine him bearing down on you, grunting like a pig in a sack, beads of swear running down his sloped brow as he tries to form rudimentary words while pawing at your flesh.

Chilling.

Katona, however, speaking in her OK! column, is saying that she’s sympathising with Coleen but wouldn’t allow herself to remain in a relationship in those circumstances.

She said:

“It’s absolutely disgusting what Wayne Rooney has allegedly been up to.

“It’s really hard for Coleen because they’ve got a kid and that family brand but you shouldn’t put up with that.”

She added:

“I couldn’t tell her to leave him – she’s madly in love with him and they have a child – but you’ve got to have respect for yourself because if you don’t, no-one else will.

“I’d rather be happy and single and respect myself than be in a miserable marriage where you get walked all over and put up with so much.

“I want a better life for my kids. That’s why I walked away.”

That’s all well and good Kerry, but wanting better for your kids is a bit rich, seeing as you’ve been widely criticised for smoking and boozing during your pregnancies. Not to mention those dodgy snaps that appeared in one tabloid that suggested you had huge bags of coke lying about the house at a particularly child-friendly height.

Although, that all said, Katona could force the legs of her children through a wood chipper and it still wouldn’t be as disgusting as Wayne Rooney having sex.

Nope. You’re right Kerry. As you were.

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The celebrity world looks glamorous from the outside, but once you’re in it, it’s a world that stinks of too-much-coffee, Malboro lights and the body odour of frantic personal assistants desperately trying to smooth over the egos of ‘the talent’ like a cleaner trying to stamp a dead-body flat under a living room rug.

One woman is repeatedly flinging the doors open with more frequency to show us just how grim the inner-workings of SlebWorld really is. Thank you, Kerry Katona.

She’s gone from wired performances on the This Morning couch, to being secretly filmed with a suspicious looking bag of powder on her toilet bowl, to generally falling face first into various hard surfaces whilst desperately clinging on to anyone who might pay her money for something.

As it’s all gone a bit south for Katona, she’s planning to use her upcoming 30th birthday party to relaunch her career. Now, this should mean that she throws an extravagant bash with famous singers and footballers in tow, with tabloid reports muttering excitedly about how much money she’s spent on the whole thing.

Instead, she’s showing her workings-out on the page, leaving us to become thoroughly depressed at the state of fame clutchery.

It’s claimed that Katona has bought a revealing dress (check!) to get in the papers and, with any luck she won’t look like a written-off car with a bow wrapped ’round it.

She’s also been ordered to invite celebrities (check!) along and that she’s to impress them. It doesn’t matter if she knows them or is friends with them. She just needs to be seen to be around them.

This is all because she’s looking down the barrel of a P45 gun. Yep, her agency is allegedly thinking about ditching her because… and here’s more depressing insight… she’s received no interest from supermarkets approaching her with potential deals.

That’s it. She’s merely a thing to hang around supermarkets asking for change.

A source says:

“A lot of companies are turning Kerry down because they don’t think she’s right for their image. Kerry has been told that she needs to start making friends with some A-list celebs.”

There you have it. The formula for getting noticed and staying in some bullshit currency. Ultimate Big Brother contestants, take note. Sadly for our Kerry, the threat of a leaked sex-tape holds no value as there appears to already be one doing the works online for years.

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So Britney Spears, you’re a number one singer, you can see your children more often and your hair’s grown back – are you happy?

No. No, obviously Britney Spears isn’t happy. In fact, judging by the slivers that have been leaked out about next month’s Britney Spears documentary Britney: For The Record, the poor girl seems sadder than ever. In the documentary, you see, Britney Spears compares her entire life to a prison sentence.

That’s not so bad, really – at least in prison you get three square meals a day, a bed to sleep on and as many violent bummings as a girl could wish for – but Britney Spears goes one step further than that. In fact, Britney Spears says her life is like Groundhog Day. And since that means it’ll culminate in a romantic encounter with Andie MacDowell, it’s clearly far far worse than any of us could possible imagine.

For a recovering psychiatric patient who couldn’t even feed herself earlier this year, Britney Spears has come on great shakes in recent months. She’s been granted increased visitation rights to her children, she’s got her professional life back on track to the extent that her singles go to number one, she’s allowed to sing alongside Madonna again and the thought of Britney Spears naked no longer inspires vomiting and madness.

So what’s Britney Spears got to be miserable about? Well, since you asked, everything.

As part of what looks like a trade-off with MTV where she gets to win all sorts of awards that she doesn’t deserve, the network is airing a warts and all documentary about Britney’s darkest days called something like Britney: Requiem For A Scalp later this month, and it looks as if it’ll be as wildly depressing as anything you could ever imagine.

For instance, now that her parents are keeping her personally and financially under lockdown, Britney Spears feels as if her life has become a prison sentence that she’ll never be freed from. Admittedly it’s a prison sentence in a jail that looks a lot like a sprawling mansion and, rather than get paid pennies for sewing mailbags, she gets paid millions of dollars to repeat the word ‘womanizer’ over and over to the sound of a Casio keyboard preset, but anyway. Here’s how Britney describes her life:

“I have really good days, and then I have bad days… Even when you go to jail, y’know, there’s the time when you’re gonna get out. But in this situation, it’s never ending. It’s just like ‘Groundhog Day.’ I’m having to pay for it for a really long time. If I wasn’t under the restraints that I’m under right now, I’d feel so liberated.”

Since historically Britney Spears seems to equate liberation with falling out of cars without any pants on, throwing up on relative strangers and smashing cars to pieces with an umbrella in bald-headed rage attacks, we’d argue that her current restraints are probably for the best for the time being.

But still, let’s just hope that MTV only decided to leak the most depressing segment of Britney: They Shoot Horses, Dont They. Because, honestly, if this is as lighthearted the documentary gets, we’re going to boycott the new Britney Spears album in case she ends up blowing the royalties on a nice new noose.

Given everything that she's been through over the last year or so, you'd expect that Amy Winehouse's new songs would be pretty bloody miserable.

But get this, they're not. Rumour has it that Amy Winehouse's new songs are called things like I Love Moonbeams And Glitter-Monkeys and Boys Make My Heart Go Cock-A-Doodle-Doo! and are all so happy that they could probably be used on a Haribo advert.

Just kidding – Amy Winehouse's new songs are so depressing that her friends think she'll kill herself soon. But we had you going, didn't we? April fool!

The list of things – self-inflicted or otherwise – that Amy Winehouse has to deal with every day includes self-harm, the abuse of hard drugs, some rubbish tattoos, a husband incarcerated for a violent attack, constant media scrutiny and an illness that makes her skin look all weird.

Ironically these are the exact same circumstances that Lipps Inc went through when they wrote Funky Town, but Amy Winehouse seems to have veered off in another direction. Amy Winehouse, you see, is in the process of writing a new album. And how do you follow up the multi award-winning biggest-selling album of 2007? Simple – by being so weirdly fixated on death that it makes The Holy Bible by Manic Street Preachers sound like Rhythm Is A Dancer. Digital Spy reports:

A source revealed: "Her next album is darker than ever. Amy’s got low self-esteem anyway but her skin has made her want to hide away from the rest of the world. And we have started noticing more and more cuts on her arms. Her problems are pushing her over the edge and she’s turning into a depressed recluse. It’s not good for her to stay in so much. People try to get her to leave the house and tell her not to worry about what people say. But she’d rather sit around her dingy flat all day writing about death."

Which is weird, because we heard that Amy Winehouse's new album was going to be a set of Christmas songs recorded with Mika. Actually, if that's the case it explains the depression completely. Imagine being shut in a soundproofed room with Mika for weeks at a time. We want to kill ourselves, and we're just imagining you imagining being trapped in a room with Mika. We can only imagine how Amy feels.

Anyway it all sounds very serious, and those around her must fear that Amy Winehouse will imminently try to commit suicide if these lyrics are as dark as everyone says. But on the plus side, her songs will probably be used less on Dancing On Ice and X Factor if they're called things like The Shrieking Unrelenting Blackness Of My Poisoned Soul. So it all balances out really.

Besides, just because Amy Winehouse is writing some depressed lyrics, it doesn't mean that she's going to kill herself. Look at Ian Curtis, for example.

OK, bad example. 

Read more:

New Winehouse album is 'suicidal' - Digital Spy