depressing - HecklerSpray

WWE’s X-Pac Won’t Be Watching Chyna’s New Skin Flick (Millions Of Lonely Teenagers Will)

May 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Back in 2004, there was a video released of two WWE wrestlers going at it hammer and tongues. Seriously. Sadly for you weirdos, it wasn’t a ‘feature’ that starred Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair in a bath giving each other toe-jobs, but rather, a proper grotgramme that saw X-Pac and Chyna grunting at each other.

So what did we learn from the experience? Well, we discovered that X-Pac likes to wear incredibly tight trousers away from the ring and that Chyna has an ugly piercing in a delicate part of her anatomy. The pair also rut like pigs in swill.

The whole thing left a bad taste in the mouth, right? Well, not for Chyna. That’s because she’s making another porn film which X-Pac is graciously refusing to watch, saying: “It’s too hard remembering how devastated she was the first time around.”

Kerry Katona Just Wants To Be Loved

January 25th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Nobody likes being the loner at a party who awkwardly shuffle around groups of people before realising that, after two hours, the hat-stand is more popular than them. Trust us, we've been there and tried everything from buying everybody drinks and bribing with deliciously greasy takeaways as a means of becoming popular.

Sadly, we're still friendless and live in a bedsit above a brothel.

Sadly, Kerry Katona is the loner equivalent in the ?celebrity? world where she waddles around from pillar to post, desperately seeking out fame, friends and magazine exposure.

ITV Tragically Sign Up Kerry Katona For Three More Years

December 24th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

No matter where you go, we are constantly told that Cheryl Cole is the nation?s sweetheart. Newspapers convey this to us and even the butcher will inform you as he's tenderising a turkey’s face.

It seems that if you release a couple of pop songs, smack a toilet attendant in the face and catch malaria, you\’ll capture the hearts of the country. She is basically Princess Diana 2.0.

On the other side of the coin is Kerry Katona, a woman who has seemingly had every possible trauma happen to her. From messy divorces, drug busts and exaggerated medical conditions surely it would been irresponsible for a major TV network to film someone having potential nervous breakdowns? Oh, hold on, people like watching that? Based on that argument, Kerry Katona will soon be dubbed ‘the nation’s tragedy.’

Kerry Katona To Help You Lose That Christmas Gut

November 23rd, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Christmas is a time for families to come together, drink copious amounts of alcohol and eat sweets all day without feeling guilty. Oh, and remember the birth of Jesus H. Christ our Lord and saviour. Come Boxing Day, everyone suddenly realises they’re half a stone heavier than they should be and they need to lose the flab.

Time to dust off that gym membership and hit the treadmill early? No, all we need is an unqualified famous person to educate us via the medium of DVD.

Hooray for Kerry Katona, the woman who has clawed her way back from celebrity abyss to once again annoy the living heck out of us. Her Real Fitness DVD is due to hit shops at the end of December. How disappointing it won't be in our stocking on Christmas Day. Our Yule is ruined.

Kerry Katona Invites Everyone To Point Out How Rubbish She Is After She Slags Off Wayne Rooney

September 15th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Of all the celebrities in the known universe, Kerry Katona has to be one of the most gaspingly awful. She couldn’t really sing, can’t really muster up the acting talent to get through an Iceland commercial and is only ever on the radar elsewhere when she’s making a mess of her life.

There is, naturally, a human under all this, but that shouldn’t stop us from being idiotically nasty about her because basically, that’s our job… just as hers is to provide us all with the ammo to throw back at her.

And so, what’s she up to now? Well, she’s actively encouraging us to sharpen our arrows and prime our slings as she’s ranted and spat about Wayne Rooney’s alleged infidelity with a prostitute, dubbing it “absolutely disgusting”.

Kerry Katona To Show Us The Depressing Workings Of The Celebrity World

September 3rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

The celebrity world looks glamorous from the outside, but once you’re in it, it’s a world that stinks of too-much-coffee, Malboro lights and the body odour of frantic personal assistants desperately trying to smooth over the egos of ‘the talent’ like a cleaner trying to stamp a dead-body flat under a living room rug.

One woman is repeatedly flinging the doors open with more frequency to show us just how grim the inner-workings of SlebWorld really is. Thank you, Kerry Katona.

She’s gone from wired performances on the This Morning couch, to being secretly filmed with a suspicious looking bag of powder on her toilet bowl, to generally falling face first into various hard surfaces whilst desperately clinging on to anyone who might pay her money for something.

Britney Spears Will Pretty Much Never Be Happy Again

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears, you’re a number one singer, you can see your children more often and your hair’s grown back – are you happy?

No. No, obviously Britney Spears isn’t happy. In fact, judging by the slivers that have been leaked out about next month’s Britney Spears documentary Britney: For The Record, the poor girl seems sadder than ever. In the documentary, you see, Britney Spears compares her entire life to a prison sentence.

That’s not so bad, really – at least in prison you get three square meals a day, a bed to sleep on and as many violent bummings as a girl could wish for – but Britney Spears goes one step further than that. In fact, Britney Spears says her life is like Groundhog Day. And since that means it’ll culminate in a romantic encounter with Andie MacDowell, it’s clearly far far worse than any of us could possible imagine.

Amy Winehouse’s New Album Is All Like Super Depressing

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Given everything that she's been through over the last year or so, you'd expect that Amy Winehouse's new songs would be pretty bloody miserable.

But get this, they're not. Rumour has it that Amy Winehouse's new songs are called things like I Love Moonbeams And Glitter-Monkeys and Boys Make My Heart Go Cock-A-Doodle-Doo! and are all so happy that they could probably be used on a Haribo advert.

Just kidding – Amy Winehouse's new songs are so depressing that her friends think she'll kill herself soon. But we had you going, didn't we? April fool!