The quality of John Travolta’s output can usually be attributed to the amount of facial hair he attaches around his dialogue hole.

Face/Off was ace/clean shaven; Swordfish was fairly good with his little happy trail and Battlefield Earth was a cesspool of sci-fi gobbledygook and ZZ Top beards. So with his German porno moustache, you know The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 isn’t going to be an easy ride.

Similarly, you can usually tell the quality of recent Denzel Washington productions by which Scott brother is directing him (in this case the rubbish one). So, Tony Scott remakes the 70’s heist thriller, set on a train with Travolta going all batshit at every available opportunity, while Washington throws his gut around in the face of adversity.

Many critics (if not all of them), have made comparisons to the original version of the same name, and as it may come as a shock to many but we haven’t seen it. Sure, we caught a bit of the subsequent first remake starring Battlestar Galactica’s Eddy James Olmos on late night television but, like this sentence, that was mainly irrelevant.

Going into Pelham with a clear and empty mind – maybe the type of audience they aimed for – made reviewing it refreshing. Unfortunately, going into this latest slice of kinetic moviemaking from Scott, it appears that he hasn’t toned down his new millennia fondness for eviscerating the senses. Pelham is stylised to the point of mundane, forcing the film to come to a halt along with its characters.

While much of the action is locked down to a couple of settings, this seems ideal for a slow-burning thriller, the type that more restrained directors would have handled more competently. Instead, it seems heavy-handed and completely devoid of anything remotely approaching tension, like some modern teen slasher flick. Trying to shoot, blow-up or create action out of a static setting. This should be a verbal tete-a-tete. Instead, it’s just Travolta gurning like the tit of tits.

The cast is fairly watchable, added friends John Turturro and James Gandolfini pop-up, not just to confuse our spell-check, but also to show exactly how to make nothing out of supporting roles.

With a few plot contrivances chucked in for good measure, this film fails to get moving. One annoyance that sticks in the mind is the character who managed to get a perfect wireless signal inside the New York subway system. Baffling, when we can’t even piggyback off of our neighbours.

This film is just uneven – performances are either dull or over-the-top, while the plot meanders when it should intrigue. Unsettling facial fuzz aside, this appears to be a film that forgot its objectives, trying to make an action film out of a story that doesn’t lend itself to the genre.

Its only achievement is its constant use of the term ‘motherfucker’. It couldn’t be more out of place if Travolta burst into an elderly relative’s funeral and repeatedly screamed it at the coffin. Which he’d probably do – he’s bloody bananas!

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There’s a good chance that Wesley Snipes will be sent to jail for three years today – but not if the bald bloke from Cheers has any say-so.

In a final desperate bid to wriggle out of a jail sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud, Wesley Snipes has enlisted the help of two of his most famous friends – Denzel Washington and Woody Harrleson – to write character witness statements pleading with the judge to let Snipes keep his freedom.

It might just work – the naturally-authoritative Washington appeals to the judge’s sense of leniency by referring to Snipes in his letter as ‘a mighty oak’. Harrelson, meanwhile, has just drawn a big picture of a happy cat in wax crayon on his, and then written ‘I like kitons’ underneath it. Might help.

There’s a chance that the next time you see Wesley Snipes he’ll have a brand-new Islamic name, a messy tattoo on the side of his arm and the sorrowful expression of a man who’s seen another man crap in his pants for sport. That’s because Wesley Snipes could be going to jail later today.

As you may know, Wesley Snipes is going through some tax troubles at the moment. The disagreement is actually quite simple – Wesley Snipes says it’s OK that he didn’t pay tax for a bunch of years because he doesn’t recognise the IRS as a proper government agency, and the government says that Wesley Snipes is a massive dick and should go to jail. Oddly enough, the government won the disagreement.

After being found guilty of not filing tax returns for three years, Wesley Snipes now faces a three-year jail sentence. That’s bad enough for us – we want to see Passenger 58 get made so badly it makes us cry – but it’s even worse for Wesley Snipes, who’ll miss everything from the South African World Cup to the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation forum in Singapore while he’s behind bars.

And it looks like there’s no avoiding it, either. There’s literally nothing that any normal person can do to stop Wesley Snipes from going to jail. But Wesley Snipes has some friends who aren’t normal. Wesley Snipes has some friends who are better than normal. Wesley Snipes have some friends who are… famous.

And between them, Wesley Snipes is hoping that Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson will be able to sway the judge. According to documents published by TMZ, Denzel Washington says that Wesley Snipes is:

Like a tree – a mighty oak. He stands for so many, “like a tree, planted by streams of water with leaves that do not wither.” Many who know him have witnessed the fruits of his labours, have sat in his shade and even been protected by his presence. I am proud of him, proud to call him a fellow thespian and most importantly, proud to call him my friend.

Stirring, poetic stuff there, even if the whole tree analogy started wearing thin by the time Denzel started banging on about eating Wesley Snipes’ fruit. But full marks for effort. And what about Woody Harrelson? How has he chosen to try and stage a last-minute big for his friend’s freedom?

My first movie was also his first movie, Wildcats with Goldie Hawn. Both of us were 23 and our birthdays are only one week apart.

Christ. See you in 2011, Wesley.

Read more:

Celebs Sign Up as Snipers – TMZ