So if Davina McCall ever left Big Brother, the show would obviously fall to pieces. Well, either that or Alexa Chung would instantly start presenting it and nobody would really notice the difference. One or the other.

Anyway, despite a whirlpool of rumours to the contrary, Davina McCall has publicly stated that this won’t be her last season of Big Brother. Which is good for Davina McCall, but you know what that means? It means that this won’t be the last season of Big Brother, either. In fact, it’ll probably go on forever. If you need us, we’ll be crying and drinking bleach in a corner somewhere.

Big Brother has been good for everyone who’s ever hosted it. Look at Dermot O’Leary – after presenting Big Brother’s Little Brother he’s now the host of X Factor, one of the biggest TV shows in the country. Then there’s Russell Brand – the host of Big Brother’s Big Mouth – who’s now a bona fide Hollywood star. And then there’s Davina McCall.

As the host of the main Big Brother show, Davina McCall has obviously enjoyed spoils far greater than anyone else – some hair dye adverts that require her to talk to her never-seen mother in the same chilling way that sociopaths talk to corpses that they’ve just stabbed to death.

OK, so maybe Davina McCall’s career hasn’t gone as well as she expected. Other than the hair dye ads, Davina McCall’s greatest achievement was her BBC1 chatshow – a chatshow that was quickly dropped when people staggeringly decided that they didn’t want to watch a 40-year-old shouting attention-seeking questions at Max Beesley for an hour – and an equally disastrous stint as a radio DJ.

But there’ll always be Big Brother. And although this year’s Big Brother was widely believed to be Davina McCall’s swansong, Davina has publicly stated that she’s going to keep presenting Big Brother forever. Well, either forever or until people get sick of it and they stop making it, probably within in the next couple of years. Whichever one comes first. The Press Association reports:

Davina McCall has slammed rumours she is quitting Big Brother. The TV presenter has hosted the reality TV show since it began eight years ago and it has been claimed this year’s series will be her last. Asked if the rumours were true, Davina said: “No. Bollocks! Am I allowed to say that? Good!”

In a way it’s reassuring to think that Davina McCall will keep presenting Big Brother until she’s a wizened old lady rolled out once a year to pull funny faces, shout telephone numbers and ask fame-seeking dicksplats not to swear. In another way the thought of it makes us feel all claustrophobic and panicky and slightly unwell, but we’ll just stick with the first one for the benefit of this article.

Besides, it’s wise for Davina to keep hosting Big Brother, because without it she’s only got those hair dye adverts and you know what they say – there’s always someone younger and prettier waiting to babble on about hair to the dispossessed voice of their dead mother that only they can hear.

Read more:

Davina rejects rumours over BB exit – PA

And, although we could write a book on all the different ways that you creep us out, right now we’ll just focus on the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes not divorcing thing. Yesterday two US gossip magazines delivered the shock news that Katie Holmes was so sick of Tom Cruise that a divorce was quietly being planned.

However, both Tom and Katie have dismissed the reports as false. So if you catch Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes making out in public and being all gross to overcompensate for these split rumours any time soon, feel free to blame the magazines. There’s probably even a lawsuit in it if they actually make you throw up.

Marriage is hard whoever you are, but the marriage between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is probably far harder than most, especially at the moment.

After all, Tom Cruise is in the middle of the biggest slump of his career. His religious views are widely mocked, his big comeback movie has been shunted to the bargain bin section of the movie calendar and the chances of him ever reaching the heady heights of the past diminish a little bit more every day. And things can’t be great for Katie Holmes, either – not only is she married to Tom Cruise, but she’s also got a haircut that makes her look a little bit like Tom Cruise. Dreadful.

So when reports came through yesterday that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were getting a divorce, it didn’t really surprise anyone. With the possible exception of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, that is – because it was apparently the first that either of them had heard about it. OK! reports:

Oh really? It’s such a close and loving relationship that they couldn’t put out a joint statement, is that it? A likely story.

Actually, we’re taking Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on their word this time. If they say that they aren’t getting splitting up, then who are we to disagree with them? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are together and happy and that’s that.

OK, we admit it, we’re not disagreeing with them because if they really are splitting up then that gruesome three-minute kiss at their wedding was all for nothing. The last thing we want is for Tom Cruise to get divorced so he can remarry and put another helpless waif through that sort of abuse. Stick with Tom, Katie. Stick with Tom for humanity.

Read more:

Tom & Katie Deny Split Rumours – OK!

In fact, if you were Diddy you'd probably be happy for people to talk about anything at all, except for your alleged role in the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur.

Which is a shame, because that's what a newspaper did yesterday. But for what it's worth, Diddy has vehemently denied all the allegations against him. Hecklerspray would like to add that it had no involvement in Tupac's 1994 shooting either. That makes us as good as Diddy, which is why we're about to release our own ropey cash-in perfume as well. It's called hecklerspray: Unjustifiable. Pour homme.

We're worried. There's a disturbing new trend that's taking the world by storm right now, and the government is doing nothing to stop it. The name of this trend? Decades-old celebrity assassination attempts.

It's terrifying. Mick Jagger can no longer walk the streets for fear that someone will kill him 39 years ago, and now Tupac Shakur is thought to be in hiding in case someone shoots him and leaves him for dead in 1994. What next? Will someone stage an audacious hit on Elton John in 1973? Where will the madness end? Where?

Yesterday's Los Angeles Times contained a lengthy article about the 1994 incident where Tupac Shakur was beaten and shot in New York. It claims that the event kick-started the East Coast/ West Coast rap wars that ended with both Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G getting killed. And it's implicated Diddy in the whole messy affair.

That's right – Diddy. Lovely Diddy of I Do (Wanna Get Close To You) by 3LW guest-rap fame. Diddy the booze-hawker. Diddy, the man who can literally punch flames out of people's asses. According to the Los Angeles Times, Diddy had a hand in orchestrating the beating and shooting of Tupac as punishment for Tupac not wanting to join Diddy's Bad Boy record label.

Based on what, you scoff. FBI reports? Statements from informants? Interviews by people who were there as it actually happened? Well, actually, yes. But Diddy isn't going to take this sort of slander sitting down – he's responded with all the force that a quickly bashed-out 63-word statement can muster:

"This story is beyond ridiculous and is completely false. Neither Biggie nor I had any knowledge of any attack before, during, or after it happened. It is a complete lie to suggest that there was any involvement by Biggie or myself. I am shocked that the Los Angeles Times would be so irresponsible as to publish such a baseless and completely untrue story."

As odd as it is for a newspaper to drag up a mostly-forgotten 14-year-old story about a dead convicted sex abuse felon getting roughed up, if Diddy really did have a hand in it then it still counts as being newsworthy, if a little sensational.

But listen to Diddy. Listen to the man! He definitely didn't play any part in Tupac's shooting, no matter what anyone says. And Diddy is a trustworthy man. He might have left his girlfriend right after she had his twins, he might have accepted an advance to write his autobiography then failed to write anything while refusing to hand back the advance and he may have been boning Sienna Miller on the sly, but we'll just say this.

Diddy says that pissing is good. And pissing is good. Therefore we're adamant that he didn't help shoot some bloke a decade and a half ago.

Read more:

Diddy Denies LA Times' Tupac Story – AP

What you can't say about Paris Hilton, however, is that she cares in the least about alcoholic Indian elephants. She doesn't care about those at all. It doesn't matter to her that in that part of India, drunken elephants account for over 3% of pachyderm fatalities. It also doesn't matter to her that night-time elephant drinking increases tusky next-day workplace tardiness exponentially. Just on the morning shifts.

This incredible display of callousness proves once and for all that the post-jail Paris is just as shallow and selfish as her pre-prison self. Or perhaps it just proves nobody ever told her Indian elephants really like getting sloshed and tipping over electric poles. Whatever the case, the only statement her camp has made about India's very real problem is that she never made a statement about it.

You can throw Paris Hilton in jail, and then you can throw her in jail again, but by the stars you cannot imply she has any resolve to even slightly help a boozy elephant. The world didn't always know this though. That's why the Press Association said:

Socialite and drink-driving jailbird Paris Hilton has become an unlikely champion for conservationists trying to highlight the plight of binge-drinking elephants in north-eastern India. Hilton made what appeared to be a few throwaway comments after hearing how six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking supplies of home-made rice beer then uprooting an electricity pole. There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad," Hilton said last week.

It's even been said this here quote once poured out of Paris' concerned lips:

“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”

That's a real nice quote, and it goes along nicely with Lindsay Lohan's recent statement:

"No more monkey meth."

Did Lohan really say that? We don't know. We do know that even though Paris sounded nice and concerned there, she's not having it. Her speciality is really tiny dogs, not giant disgusting elephants that won't even fit in a purse. If anyone ever dare think otherwise, Hilton's slave might just slit your throat. According to the Associated Press:

"In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India."

So you got that? Paris Hilton is not now, nor has she ever been concerned about the plight of several drunken elephants. Should their tusks be ripped out tomorrow and their skins removed without anaesthetic, it wouldn't bother her one bit. Us neither.

So screw you elephants, and for Pete's sake learn some responsibility!