Davina McCall Still Not Leaving Big Brother To all intents and purposes, Davina McCall is Big Brother - she's the friendly face who only has to shout a lot and ask breathtakingly awful exit interview questions. So if Davina McCall ever left Big Brother, the show would obviously fall to pieces. Well, either that or Alexa Chung would instantly start presenting it and nobody would really notice the difference. One or the other. Anyway, despite a whirlpool of rumours to the contrary, Davina McCall has publicly stated that this won't be her last season of Big Brother. Which is good for Davina McCall, but you know what that means? It means that this won't be the last season of Big Brother, either. In fact, it'll probably go on forever. If you need us, we'll be crying and drinking bleach in a corner somewhere.

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: It’s Over, Except It Probably Isn’t If any of you have a secret crush on either Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes, then we have bad news - a) they're not divorcing, and b) you're quite creepy. And, although we could write a book on all the different ways that you creep us out, right now we'll just focus on the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes not divorcing thing. Yesterday two US gossip magazines delivered the shock news that Katie Holmes was so sick of Tom Cruise that a divorce was quietly being planned. However, both Tom and Katie have dismissed the reports as false. So if you catch Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes making out in public and being all gross to overcompensate for these split rumours any time soon, feel free to blame the magazines. There's probably even a lawsuit in it if they actually make you throw up.

Hot News From 1994: Diddy Denies Shooting Tupac

If you were Diddy, you'd probably want people to discuss your new vodka line or your perfume or your acting or your inability to stay with women who've just given birth to your children.

In fact, if you were Diddy you'd probably be happy for people to talk about anything at all, except for your alleged role in the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur.

Which is a shame, because that's what a newspaper did yesterday. But for what it's worth, Diddy has vehemently denied all the allegations against him. Hecklerspray would like to add that it had no involvement in Tupac's 1994 shooting either. That makes us as good as Diddy, which is why we're about to release our own ropey cash-in perfume as well. It's called hecklerspray: Unjustifiable. Pour homme.

Paris Hilton Unmoved By Plight Of Drunken Elephants

A lot of things could be said about Paris Hilton. For instance, you could say she's named after the only city filthier than any underpants she's been wearing for more than three hours. Also you could say she has a lazy eye.

What you can't say about Paris Hilton, however, is that she cares in the least about alcoholic Indian elephants. She doesn't care about those at all. It doesn't matter to her that in that part of India, drunken elephants account for over 3% of pachyderm fatalities. It also doesn't matter to her that night-time elephant drinking increases tusky next-day workplace tardiness exponentially. Just on the morning shifts.

This incredible display of callousness proves once and for all that the post-jail Paris is just as shallow and selfish as her pre-prison self. Or perhaps it just proves nobody ever told her Indian elephants really like getting sloshed and tipping over electric poles. Whatever the case, the only statement her camp has made about India's very real problem is that she never made a statement about it.