Denmark should be the happiest place on earth, stocked as it is with Carlsberg and bacon. It isn’t. This rather chilly disappointment of a country, famous for being north of Germany and south of Sweden apparently fosters a dark maelstrom of political turmoil and mad racists. And ABBA are pissed off.

While we struggle to decide which we would rather spend an afternoon exposed to – Ebola fever or ABBA – let us explain.

The third largest party in the Danish political landscape is called the Danish People’s Party. Sounds like a fun, nationwide knees up with cake and jelly. It isn’t.

The DPP are sourfaced gits who don’t like anyone. Especially not Johnny Foreigner. To cheer up their slightly stand-offish persona the DPP’s youth movements have decided to use Mama Mia in a tribute to head goon Pia Kjaersgaard, hilariously retitling it Mama Pia.

Enter Benny and Bjorn, in any order because nobody knows which is which anyway. A bit like Bill and Ben, Ben and Jerry or the wires in a plug.

The songsters are mildly irked by all this nonsense and have responded with typically Scandinavian zeal; “ABBA never allows its music to be used in a political context. This is something that we have pointed out to the Danish People’s Party.”

Well Mr Andersson, that sure told them!

He continued, and got a little more animated, briefly knocking a very lovely coffee table with a cute name and a very practical wipe clean top; “you cannot just rewrite songs as you like and secondly we want them to understand that we have absolutely no interest in supporting their party”.

There may even be the scent of lawyers in the air if DPP don’t stop playing the song. I would love to see such efforts taken any time any Abba is played anywhere by anyone at any given moment.

DPP haven’t said much in response to this and this kindles the hope that they will blithely ignore Abba, spark an international incident which ends in the beardy one invading and seizing the reins of Danish power.

He could do it too – the Danes aren’t fussed about fighting back.

See, hecklerspray spoke to a Dane once and casually mentioned the Battle of Britain, which she’d never heard of. The came talk of (adopts Pathe Newsreel voice) ‘the few’, ‘spits and hurricanes’, ‘giving Jerry a damn good spanking’ and how Ben Affleck had nothing to do with it she looked more and more horrified.

“Fighting?! Da chermans? Boot dey ar loofley people!”

And that’s why the battle of Denmark lasted less than a day.

Bjorn, Benny, you got what you were after. Now PLEASE, unwrite your life’s work!

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Easter is all finished with, and yet here we are again with more of these Eurovision profiles. They’re never going to stop. Get used to it.

What was the big Eurovision news over Easter? There wasn’t any. Or maybe there was, but we haven’t been bothered to look. Which one is true? You’ll never know. And it’s a secret that we’ve vowed to take to the grave. Oh, alright, it’s the second one. Happy now?

Anyway, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Niels Brinck from Denmark…

Denmark · Niels Brinck, Believe Again

Denmark, historically, never gets Eurovision right. And we’re absolutely thrilled to report that the tradition has powered on for yet another year. Why? Because Niels Brinck’s Believe Again has been co-written by Ronan Keating. That’s right, Ronan Keating from Boyzone and a solo career notorious for a total lack of self-written songs has written the Danish Eurovision entry this year. But is Believe Again good? Well, given that it sounds like a Ronan Keating song and Niels Brinck even appears to be singing it in an Irish accent, then no. No it isn’t. But let’s look on the bright side here – yes, it’s not very good and, yes, it probably doesn’t stand too much chance of winning Eurovision, but at least Richard Curtis has got a nice song play over the end credits of the next film he decides to make now.

Tomorrow: ESTONIA!

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You don’t need to be told that Denmark is weird – a country capable of producing Sandi Toksvig and Lego is certainly a country that shouldn’t be messed with.

But if you ask us, the new adverts for the Denmark Tourist Board have proved the country’s weirdness for good. California has Arnie and Rob Lowe, New Zealand has those awful British people repeating the word ‘amazing’ again and again to the sound of Forever Young and Denmark has, well, this. Consider us troubled.

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Eurovision betting odds time! Again! We just won’t stop! No, seriously, we’re not going to stop. This is a contractual obligation.

And this year’s Eurovision Song Contest looks set to be the most dangerous ever, now that the Dutch Eurovision entry has said that she doesn’t want her parents to see the show in Belgrade because she fears for their safety. It’s a good point – we don’t want Andy Abraham to go to Belgrade either. Not because it’s dangerous, though, we just don’t want him to embarrass us in front of everybody.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Denmark, with help from Paddy Power…

Denmark (pop. 5,411,405; geographically the smallest Nordic country): Simon Mathew, All Night Long

You could spend an entire decade trying to figure out Simon Mathew and you’d never even get close. We know, at first glance he seems like a horribly smug, painfully bland tit, but that’s not the case at all. He’s won the Danish X Factor equivalent and has taken part in the Danish Strictly Come Dancing equivalent, but what he most enjoys is lecturing the youth about social issues to the extent that he’s recently enroled in the police force to be a more direct tool of social change. And this awareness of youth issues is never more clearly  displayed than with his Eurovison entry All Night Long, a song that deals with the very real problem of manic depression: “If your life is like a sad song maybe you should try and celebrate it!” it goes. See, if only Sylvia Plath had heard the 2008 Danish Eurovision entry, maybe she wouldn’t have shoved her head into the oven. Also, All Night Long by Simon Mathew sounds like that awful time a decade ago when Sean Maguire went Britpop. That’s the worst criticism we can level at any song. Current Eurovision betting odds – 66/1

Tomorrow: Estonia! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.