Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.
It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.
When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.
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Denise Richards is a woman created by teenage boy’s minds. That’s exactly why Charlie Sheen shacked up with her. And of course, what with Richards being the world’s greatest wit, she has a lot to say about her appearance.
Basically, she’d like to make the arrested developed among you excited by talking about her boobies and the fact she was a lesbian briefly.
Next, she’ll be talking about how much she likes playing video games and having sex with jobless layabouts with bad acne who live off 10p crisps.
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Remember when Charlie Sheen was fun to write about? Remember that? He had people cowering in cupboards, suitcases of cocaine and had a nervous breakdown before our very eyes. And now? He’s gone from meme to admin. How terribly dull.
Instead of standing on rooftops waving a machete around, he’s involved in a boring tour and tangled up in a load of boring court tape.
And so, to provide some brief distraction, his ex wife has gone into rehab and another ex, actress Denise Richards, has appeared from nowhere to say that she’ll look after Sheen’s children for a bit. Yes. We’re writing about babysitting.
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Denise Richards, who is famous for being pouty and picking astonishingly awful boyfriends is apparently being all pouty and stepping-out with wildly inappropriate Nikki Sixx. Seeing as Richards used to go out with bug-eyed chandelier bullier Charlie Sheen who is well known for having ‘allergic reactions’ to class A drugs, you’d think she’d be wary of swapping spit with recovering addict Sixx.
Richards’ kids must love it when mummy comes home with one of her new boyfriends, all dead-eyed and puke-stained.
Apparently, Richards and Sixx have been neighbors for a long time, meaning that she actually knows what he’s like and crucially, they both have lots in common with each other. Like a fondness for slow mental erosion and self destructive behaviour. Read More >>>
Surely by now karma owes Brooke Mueller something nice. She’s married to Charlie Sheen, for crying out loud.
But that’s not all. It’s horrifying enough to imagine being trapped in a legally-binding relationship with the crap one out of Two And A Half Men. But imagine being trapped in a legally-binding relationship with the crap one out of Two And A Half Men and watching him get arrested for apparently slapping you around. On Christmas Day. And then catching pneumonia almost immediately afterwards.
So after that it’s no wonder that Brooke Mueller needs a rest. That’s why she’s just checked herself into a special rest resort. That advertises itself as a drug and alcohol addiction treatment centre. She really must need a lot of rest.
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There’s not a lot to explain here, really. Denise Richards cannot sing. She cannot sing. Denise Richards literally cannot sing.
In fact, all there is to say here is that Denise Richards was asked to sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game during the 7th inning stretch of a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field on Friday, and she obliged. But she obliged in a way that may have caused widespread irreversible bleeding deafness.
So instead we’ll show you the video after the jump, along with a list of five things that Denise Richards sounds like when she sings…
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Say what you will about Charlie Sheen – that he’s a lumpen, one-note actor who lucked into success, for instance.
But you can’t fault his timing. That’s because Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller have chosen now to give birth to twin boys named Max and Bob. Why is that significant? Because it synchronises nicely with his ex-wife Denise Richards‘ stint on Dancing With The Stars.
So congratulations to Charlie Sheen, and good luck to Denise Richards, who’ll be so attention-seeking this week that her routine will climax with a spontaneous combustion that splatters guts all down Len Goodman‘s suit.
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