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Denied

Madonna & Guy Richie Divorcing? Pah, Says Old Lady

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows that Madonna and Guy Ritchie will get divorced soon, and also that Guy’s chasing the giant gap between Madonna’s teeth in the settlement, too.

But even though there’s recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce – where you go to prison if you deny it – some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be.

And one of those people is Guy Ritchie’s mother. She’s refusing to believe that there’s marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of ‘absurd poppycock’. ‘Absurd poppycock’ or ‘farking bollocks’ depending on whether she’s the parent responsible for Guy’s frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can’t be bothered to find out which she is.

Everyone knows that Madonna and Guy Ritchie will get divorced soon, and also that Guy's chasing the giant gap between Madonna's teeth in the settlement, too. But even though there's recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce - where you go to prison if you deny it - some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be. And one of those people is Guy Ritchie's mother. She's refusing to believe that there's marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of 'absurd poppycock'. 'Absurd poppycock' or 'farking bollocks' depending on whether she's the parent responsible for Guy's frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can't be bothered to find out which she is.
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Judge Stops Britney Spears/ Federal Court Allstar Showdown

by Stuart Heritage

You may remember that attorney who claimed Britney Spears’ civil rights had been removed by the way her father kept her constantly encased in a pulsating plasma forcefield and only fed her twigs.

Or something. Anyway, this attorney – Jon Eardley – had been pushing to move Britney Spears’ conservatorship case to a federal court because of this apparent civil rights hoo-hah.

But it isn’t going to happen. A judge has ruled that the Britney Spears case has to remain in California because the attorney isn’t really Britney Spears’ attorney. Interesting, huh? OK, on with your lives now.

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Amy Winehouse Told To Eff Off By US Visa Types

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s something we can all relate to – Amy Winehouse has missed out on the biggest night of her life because of that ‘Amy Winehouse getting hammered on crack’ video.

Amy was supposed to be performing at the Grammys this weekend, but her request for an American visa has been denied, possibly because she’d explode the faces off every sniffer dog in a 50-mile radius the instant she landed at LAX.

Still, ever the trouper Amy Winehouse has vowed to do her Grammys performance live by satellite – just as soon as she’s worked out whether her husband’s prison or the confines of her drug rehab centre will make the more attractive backdrop.

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Foxy Brown A Bit Deaf Again, Nobody Cares

by Stuart Heritage

It must be awful being deaf in jail – if ever a yell of “Jailbreak!” went up, you’d just carry on sewing mailbags oblivious to all the fun.

And that’s what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.

And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We’d like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown’s hair-pulling range.

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Pamela Anderson: Now Not As Pregnant As Hoped

by Stuart Heritage

Stop, stop, stop – take the bunting down, unwrap the Larry The Hepatitis Monkey toy you’ve just bought, because Pamela Anderson isn’t pregnant.

Yes, we know we just said that Pamela Anderson was pregnant, but that’s because we thought she was and, well, the thought of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon’s genes colliding to create an unborn baby with the potential to become an internet sex tape Olympian was just too darn exciting.

Pamela Anderson’s blog, you see, has the word ‘no’ written on it. Twice. So that’s another hope of ours dashed.

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Nicole Richie Not As Into Pregnant Smoking As Originally Thought

by hecklerspray staff

Life used to be so much simpler than it is now.

Take raising children, for one. We have fond memories of when parents would pack us into the back of the station wagon for 12-hour road trips to Nana’s house like a bunch wild animals hopped up on generic soda and Cheeze-Its. Nowadays you have to secure the little tykes into properly installed safety seats and can’t strap one to the luggage rack when they keep counting the bottles of beer on the wall and just… won’t… SHUT UP.

And whatever happened to the good old days when a six-month-pregnant woman who has surrendered all self-restraint to the nicotine gods and habitually smoke in peace? Maybe Nicole Richie knows, because she was spotted smoking a few ciggies in a scenario very similar to this one.

Or maybe she wasn’t. It could have just been a rumour. That’s what Nicole Richie is saying, anyway.

Life used to be so much simpler than it is now. Take raising children, for one. We have fond memories of when parents would pack us into the back of the station wagon for 12-hour road trips to Nana’s house like a bunch wild animals hopped up on generic soda and Cheeze-Its. Nowadays you have to secure the little tykes into properly installed safety seats and can’t strap one to the luggage rack when they keep counting the bottles of beer on the wall and just… won’t… SHUT UP. And whatever happened to the good old days when a six-month-pregnant woman who has surrendered all self-restraint to the nicotine gods and habitually smoke in peace? Maybe Nicole Richie knows, because she was spotted smoking a few ciggies in a scenario very similar to this one. Or maybe she wasn’t. It could have just been a rumour. That’s what Nicole Richie is saying, anyway.
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