Obviously by ‘it all’ we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that?

Well, yes. Yes they did. But that’s all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren’t getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn’t just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.

Whitney Houston’s life has really taken off since she divorced Bobby Brown just over a year ago. Not only has she been hard at work recording her big comeback album and making herself look as completely unrecognisable as possible for said album’s artwork, but she’s also now free to date other men like, say, Osama bin Laden if she wants.

Yes, it looks like Whitney Houston has really managed to beat the odds and pull off what could be one of pop’s biggest-ever comebacks. The only thing she needs to do to stop her professional relaunch from becoming a hideous trainwreck of epic proportions is to stay away from Bobby Brown. That’s literally all. Whitney Houston needs to stay away from Bobby Brown.

So, needless to say, Whitney Houston was seen enjoying an intimate dinner in Georgia recently with, you guessed it, Bobby Brown.

Except she wasn’t. Or at least she says she wasn’t. Despite several reports to the contrary, Whitney Houston has firmly denied that she’s getting back together with Bobby Brown at all, because even she’s not that stupid. E! Online reports:

The 45-year-old singer’s publicist has issued a statement seeking to put to rest rumors of a romantic reunion between the formerly tumultuous lovebirds. Nancy Seltzer called a report in Wednesday’s Chicago Sun-Times “a complete fabrication.” The article said Houston and Brown, who divorced in April 2007, were seen in Georgia enjoying an intimate dinner.

It’s bittersweet news for us. Initially it seems like a good thing that Whitney Houston has denied rekindling her self-destructive relationship with Bobby Brown, but is it? After all, Bobby Brown was always there to keep Whitney Houston in check, either by clearing out her blocked-up colon with his fingers or by allegedly beating her up a little bit when she looked at him funny or whatever.

But let’s take Whitney Houston at her word – if she says she’s not getting back with Bobby Brown, then we have no choice but to believe that. Anyway, rumour has it that Whitney Houston has moved on from Brown anyway, and is currently enjoying the romantic attention of Ray J, the man most famous for being the male star of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

So congratulations Whitney, that’s really a… um, what’s the word for when you think you’re getting an upgrade for something when really you’re just getting the same defective product repackaged differently? Anyway, that.

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And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

Tennis is sexy, isn’t it? All those short skirts, tight tops and orgasmic screams are a definite turn-on. In fact, tennis is so sexy to us that the only way we can perform these days is if there’s an elderly man in an excessively tall chair next to us loudly scoring our intercourse point by point. And a crowd of lonely housewifes occasionally shouting half-hearted encouragement at us. And we have to stop every time it rains. And a child has to run around collecting our stray balls.

But that’s just us. David Duchovny is not like that at all. Even though he used to be a sex addict, and would therefore hump a cactus if it was showing enough bra strap, David Duchovny has never linked sex and tennis. Especially now that he’s been cured of the sex addiction – now we assume that he’d rather launch a frenzied attack on his own genitals with a kitchen knife than actually let a semi-aroused thought cross his mind.

And that’s why David Duchovny has taken the unprecedented step of making his lawyer release a statement denying the current rumours that David Duchovny had a six-month affair with his tennis instructor Edit Pakay. People reports:

“The stories about an alleged affair between David Duchovny and his tennis instructor, Edit Pakay, are completely false. Ms. Pakay denied the rumors to me in person last Friday, saying they are just friends, and in addition, said in writing that such stories are ‘lies and deceit.”

We have no reason to assume that David Duchovny ever had an affair with his tennis instructor. Because, if we were David Duchovny’s tennis instructor, the last thing we’d do is let him shove his blistered, red-raw sweaty little acorn anywhere near our insides. That manky little man-flute could have been anywhere. Ugh.

So David Duchovny didn’t have an affair with his tennis instructor. That’s a shame – since David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have now split up, we’re sure it’d be nice for David to find some non-sexual companionship with a female sports instructor somewhere.

Maybe David Duchovny should take up curling. Seriously, we hear those people are slags.

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Even though the economy is in freefall and we’re plummeting towards global recession and there’s every chance we’ll all finish this week huddled round a brazier cooking rats on sticks in ill-fitting secondhand clothes, the really terrifying news didn’t come from the financial world at all.

No, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was eight weeks pregnant even though she only gave birth to her last baby three and a bit months ago. Actually, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again because she spuriously believed that your fanny stops working when you breastfeed, but we’ll leave that one particular nugget alone for the time being.

However, even though the report originally claiming that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again was full of believable touches – like the way that Jamie Lynn Spears couldn’t stop crying when she found out, or that her mother Lynne Spears was ‘hysterical’ at the news, it turns out that it was all wrong.

In actuality, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant at all. We know this because an anonymous stranger who could live in a tree for all that anyone knows said so. E! Online reports:

A source who lives in Jamie Lynn’s native Kentwood, La., tells E! News: “I talk to [her mom] Lynne all the time. Believe me, she would have mentioned if that little girl is expecting again. That’s just a bunch of made-up crap.”

Actually, as theories go, that’s probably fairly untouchable – Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because one arbitrary nobody who just happens to live quite near Lynne Spears hasn’t heard about it. It’s not that Lynne Spears was trying to keep the secret under wraps because she’s ashamed or anything. Don’t be silly.

Genius. In fact, we’re so impressed by this theory that we’re going to base our entire belief system around this wise Kentwood sage – if they don’t know about it, we’re going to say with 100% certainty that it doesn’t even exist. The Higgs boson particle? A bunch of made-up crap. The planet Neptune? A bunch of made-up crap. Toothpaste? A bunch of made-up crap.

But let’s just say this source is right, and Jamie Lynn Spears really isn’t pregnant again. You know what this means? You really can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding! Get to it, new teenage mothers!

And this ability has ultimately been Sharon Stone’s undoing. Sharon Stone lost custody of her child recently, with one of the justifications being that Sharon’s eight-year-old son had feet that smelt like putrid bum death, and she wanted to cure this with regular Botox injections into his feet.

However, Sharon Stone has denied wanting to Botox her son’s feet, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’. But on the other hand, she did give him a browlift to stop his sweaty armpits and a brand new set of 36DD plastic boobies to try and offset his chronic farting, so who knows.

Say what you like about Sharon Stone – that she’s capable of astounding cultural insensitivity or that when she dies the picture in the obituary will be of her genitals – but you can never say that she doesn’t care about her son.

Sharon Stone has always wanted what’s best for eight-year-old-Roan. Just look at his feet for example – although he’s only eight, sometimes it looks like Roan has the feet of a nine or sometimes even nine-and-a-half-year-old. And, oh, don’t get us even started on the smell. Roan’s feet constantly smell like – and this isn’t an exaggeration – a thousand dead animals in a swimming pool full of vomit next to a sewerage treatment plant in Africa at midday.

But, as Sharon Stone knows only too well, the best cure for both of these complaints is Botox. She knows this, we’re guessing, because Botox is what keeps people from realising that a) she’s actually 94 years old and b) her face smells uncomfortably of toilet. Ergo, it makes perfect sense that Sharon Stone wanted to Botox her son’s feet to stop them smelling.

This ingenious plan backfired somewhat, however, when the judge overseeing the custody battle over Roan between Stone and ex-husband Phil Bronstein caught wind of it – along with the way that Sharon Stone also invented a nonexistent spinal complaint for Roan as well – and whipped custody away from Sharon Stone as quick as can be.

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Sharon Stone at this point – who knew that regularly injecting a child’s feet with a form of botulism toxin to stop a naturally-occurring condition equated with bad parenting? – but Sharon Stone has now denied that she ever wanted to Botox anyone’s feet anyway, sort of. E! Online reports:

“This week it was reported in connection with Sharon Stone’s custody dispute that she wanted to have her 8-year-old son undergo Botox treatment at this time for his feet,”  attorney Marty Singer said. “Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication.”

And that’s true. Sharon Stone didn’t make this statement at all – the judge overseeing Sharon Stone’s custody hearing made this statement, presumably on that basis that there was some form of evidence for it.

But anyway, at least this is all over now, and everyone can go back to normal. Except for little Roan, who’ll now have to grow up with the world thinking that his feet smell like gutrot. But he’ll get the last laugh – one day he’ll seek his revenge by penning a Mommie Dearest-style movie about his bewildering childhood.

True, nobody will watch it because the entire cast will have had their faces Botoxed into complete immobility for verisimilitude’s sake, but that’s something to deal with when it happens.

But for now let’s just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up – Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life – but there may be trouble on the horizon.

Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she’s got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don’t you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid’s TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?

We get the feeling that Miley Cyrus is trying to grow up and shed her teenybop image at the moment. It might not be obviously apparent, but it’s true – we’ve managed to pick up hints by observing the way that Miley Cyrus keeps taking off all her clothes, has snared herself a 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend and has curiously developed a voice that sounds like Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget.

And quite right too – just because Miley Cyrus is three years away from being able to vote or have sex and six years away from being able to drink and still lives with her parents and isn’t even allowed to go and see Tropic Thunder by herself yet, it doesn’t mean she’s a child.

But there’s one thing standing between Miley Cyrus and her dreams of maturity, and that’s her show Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana is a sensation – it has spawned a movie, sold-out tours, ten CDs, four DVDs, five videogames and 20 novelisations in two years – but it appears that Miley Cyrus might be getting a little bit sick of it holding her back.

Reports this week suggested that Miley Cyrus was going all-out to get the sack from Hannah Montana, by turning up to work late, holding up filming wherever possible and generally infuriating everyone she works with. However, leaving aside the fact that Hannah Montana makes so much money that Miley Cyrus could probably stroll into work clutching the severed head of Nelson Mandela and not get fired for it, Disney and Miley have rushed out statements to deny these reports outright. According to Reuters:

Patti McTeague, a Disney spokeswoman for the “Hannah Montana” show, told Reuters that reports of on-set turmoil were “absolutely not true, pure gossip.” “I am fully committed to ‘Hannah Montana,’” Cyrus told People, “It’s what gave me this amazing opportunity to reach out to so many people.”

Look, everyone, this united front act is nice and all, but you can drop it. If Miley Cyrus wants to leave Hannah Montana, let her.

And so what if Miley’s attempts to become a proper grown-up entertainer leave her twisting in the wind like a modern-day Dustin Diamond because she never realised that people only liked her for being in Hannah Montana? It’s not as if Miley doesn’t have other career options – we’re sure she’ll make a bucketload of money from the tragic, embittered ‘Dad, you stole my childhood’ autobiography that she’ll inevitably write before the age of 25, for example.

And Disney should think of the benefits of Miley Cyrus leaving Hannah Montana too – with her gone, it’ll be free to start up a brand new cacky kid’s sitcom with a younger, cheaper teenage star who’ll quickly get corrupted by fame and end up having bizarre opinions of herself that are far above her station as well. It’s not the end of the world by any means.

You know those reports yesterday saying that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin a bunch of baby gifts as a kindly reminder that she isn’t the only teenage girl to bring shame on her family by letting a redneck hump her without a condom until she got pregnant? Yeah, didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has denied the whole story.

If that’s the case, poor old Bristol Palin. It’s one thing to illuminate the schism between Sarah Palin’s personal and professional ideals while watching her unborn baby get hijacked as a political football by all sides, but getting the stinkeye from Zoey 101? That has to sting.

You know what? We’re starting to feel a little bit sorry for Bristol Palin. She’s just your average pregnant horny teenage girl from the backwoods who probably only became sexually active in the first place to make up for all the self-esteem she lost by being named after a crappy British town, and now she’s trapped in the middle of a giant political poofight.

And Bristol Palin can’t win – on one hand she’s cynically being held up as an example of the right’s ideological hypocrisy; and on the other the only people defending her seem to be angry idiots.

But worst of all, Bristol Palin’s not even going to get any free shit from Britney Spears’ sister out of this either.

Yesterday we reported that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin some baby burp cloths because she knows what it’s like to be a randy teenager who doesn’t understand birth control properly. And it was a sweet story, too – Jamie Lynn Spears even wrote Bristol Palin a card saying “Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!!! XOXO” which, while short on actual words, utilised teenage girls’ fondness for overaggressive punctuation in a staggeringly heartfelt way, we’re sure you’ll agree.

Except it didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has been quick to deny that anything was sent whatsoever, and that if Bristol Palin’s stupid baby ever belches crap all over Bristol Palin’s moronic back she should try wiping it off with her own hair or a pair of Sarah Palin’s grotty knickers. We’re paraphrasing. E! Online reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

We’re not sure if it was meant as one, but we’re taking that as a solid political endorsement of Sarah Palin from the Spears family. Sarah Palin must be so thrilled – at least now, if she ever becomes vice president, she knows she has an expert strategist on call should Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ever heighten international tensions by going out with no pants on or rubbing dogshit into his pretty frock during a photoshoot with OK! magazine or something.

But just because Sarah Palin’s doing alright out of this, it doesn’t mean that Bristol Palin is. Her one shot at having a celebrity friend who truly understands what it’s like to be too stupid to know how condoms work has been blown forever. After all, sometimes we think that trinkets from minor celebrities are the only good thing about having a baby.

Obscure pregnant Jesus girl from that film nobody saw – now’s your time to step up. Send Bristol a bib or something. Make things right, why don’t you.

For instance, we think Charles Manson should get another life sentence or two tacked on to that which he was already given. We’d like to see Ted Bundy get executed again, and for the love of Pete we think it high time Rachel Ray finally gets what’s coming to her.

What’s coming to her is cookies or something. As far as we know she has never killed people on a mass scale, and deserves very little incarceration if any.

Another piece of undeniable justice that deserves to be held high pertains to one Mark David Chapman. We think he killed Marilyn Monroe or something. Anyway, he was up for parole for the fifth time recently – and once again got denied.

Probably because even seventy years later, people still really, really like Marilyn Monroe.

In 1980 Mark David Chapman, in a move he has since said was ‘wrong,’ stood in front of a good man and trigger-pulled five times. He eventually plead guilty to second degree murder and was convicted to a sentence of 20 years to life.

Well the twenty years is long-since up. He’s put in for parole four times in the past, and has been shot down every time. Fitting.

He just put in for it again – and the parole board came to the same decision. We couldn’t find a transcript for his most recent hearing, but we did come across one from 2000. Here’s an excerpt [sic]:

“Q. This involves an incident occurring in December of 1980 whereby you were in possession of a .38-caliber revolver. You apparently had some premeditated thought with regard to this incident. You waited for the victim in question, Mr. John Lennon, and at an opportune time, you apparently shot him a number of times, maybe as many as four or five. The record indicates that perhaps the revolver discharged five times. You hit him four times with the hollow-point bullets, and indeed you caused his death. Is that an accurate depiction of what happened, sir?

A. Yes, sir, it is.

Q. Can you please tell us what you were thinking about at the time and why you would do something so horrible?

A. I, um, flew to New York a few months before that to do that crime with full meditation in my heart. I then was able to somehow turn myself around and came back to Hawaii, and I told my wife that all was fine. And then the urges started building in me again to do this crime, and I flew back to New York on December 6th and checked into a hotel, and then on the day of December 8th, stayed outside the Dakota waiting for him with intent to shoot him and kill him….

“Q. And, Mr. Chapman, have you given thought in those long twenty years as to what’s behind all of this and why you were so possessed with doing such harm to this person who, for all of us having read about this, was doing no harm to whatsoever on your life or your you at all, had no livelihood; have you given thought to that —

A.Yes, I have.

Q. — why you had to single this guy out?

A. I was feeling like I was worthless, and maybe the root of it is a self-esteem issue. I felt like nothing, and I felt if I shot him, I would become something, which is not true at all.

Q. Mm hmm.

A. But that’s why I shot Mr. Lennon.

Q. And him in particular because he was someone that you admired, or you locked at him and his stature, and you thought this would have some impact on your life, sir?

A. Well, I originally — what happened was I was in the library, and I was looking through some books, and I came across a book called One Day at a Time, and I saw him there with photographs in front of his residence, the Dakota, and I was full of anger and resentment, you know. I took it upon myself to judge him falsely for — for, you know, being something other than, you know, in a lotus position with a flower, and I got angry in my stupidity. So it started with anger, but I wasn’t angry the night I shot him.”

To read more of that hearing, click right here. Its lengthy and interesting.

That’s a little farther into Chapman’s head than you ever wanted to get, right? Us too – unless its with an ice cream scoop.

But then violence using ice cream related hardware never solved anything now, did it?

That is, unless a cosmetics company decide to make you white. Then you kind of fall down on part of that description.

It would seem that the make-up behemoths at L’Oreal may just be the types to force this kind of change on the young diva, with claims being made that Beyonce’s skin tone has been lightened for a magazine ad. The company dispute these allegations.

You know – ‘whitening’ things up to make them more palatable to the masses. They did it with every other element of black culture – the music, the clothing, the lingo – why not start trying to make black celebrities white too?

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard with it – but it’s Friday, and hecklerspray has some drinkin’ to get done. It’s maybe not as bad as that.

No, it doesn’t appear to be L’Oreal’s version of ‘ethnic cleansing’, more the result of a dodgy photo editing job.

The advert in question shows Beyonce after she’s done one of those hair dying things that girls seem to like so much – 100 per cent grey cover and all that. When the advert image of Bouncy is placed next to any other picture of her, it’s clear to see there’s something not quite right

She looks a bit Michael Jacksoned, frankly, with lighter skin and fairer hair. And it’s a bit frightening.

The claims – which began on everyone’s favourite website TMZ – were quick to be refuted by L’Oreal Paris. They said:

“We highly value our relationship with Ms. Knowles. It is categorically untrue that L’Oreal Paris altered Ms. Knowles’ features or skin tone in the campaign for Feria hair color.”

Which is all well and good, and it’s not like us to be disbelieving of a multi-national corporation like this, but… well – just look at the pictures. While it may well be true that the company had no idea they had ‘whitened’ Beyonce, it cannot be denied that she looks a lot more like a white chick than she normally does.

Which conjures up awful, awful, awful imagery of a possible Wayans Brothers sequel. Something surely not out of the question with the re-makery on show in Hollywood today.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You see, it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was hit by a motorbike in New York this weekend – reports backed up by the fact that the hospital she went to admitted someone called Lindsay Lohan on the night the accident took place. But Lindsay Lohan’s family and publicist are denying that anything happened at all.

Welcome back Lindsay. We’ve missed you.

Rehab has certainly worked out well for Lindsay Lohan. Before her string of DUI arrests caused her to seek help, Lindsay Lohan’s life was a mess of accidental nudity and bad films and the stink of booze and cigarettes and traffic accidents. But now things are completely different for her.

Now Lindsay Lohan’s life is a mess of deliberate nudity and no films and the stink of just cigarettes. But thanks to the motorbike scrape that Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into this weekend, at least she’s still keeping up the traffic accident quota.

According to reports, Lindsay Lohan was out on the town in New York on Saturday night when a motorbike clipped her outside a nightclub on 32nd Street.

While we assume that the driver of the motorbike caught a glimpse of Lindsay’s ginger hair, sharp teeth and oddly reflective eyes and drove into her deliberately, wrongly guessing that she was an urban fox out to eat someone’s baby, we’re pleased to report that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. Unless they were. Assuming the crash even happened in the first place. Here’s where it gets confusing.

You see, the reports say that Lindsay Lohan was taken to the Beth Israel Medical Centre for treatment after the crash. Well, the reports and the employee of the Beth Israel Medical Centre who confirmed to the New York Post that someone called Lindsay Lohan had been admitted on the night of the accident.

But that doesn’t mean that the accident actually happened, does it? Not if you’re Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s family or Lindsay Lohan’s publicist. The New York Daily News reports:

“Dina said it was just gossip. I don’t think that anything actually happened,” Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, said after speaking to his ex-wife, Dina, yesterday. “I asked her and she said it didn’t happen,” said Lindsay’s publicist, Leslie Sloane. “She says she wasn’t [at the hospital].” He added, “Dina said it’s a bunch of bull doodie.”

Interesting. So did it happen or was it bull doodie? Who the hell knows, frankly. But if you were Leslie Sloane, you’d deny it too, wouldn’t you. Ever since Lindsay Lohan stopped drinking, Sloane’s had nothing to deny at all – not like the good old days where she’d pass off what could have been Lindsay’s alcohol-fuelled collapses as everything from asthma to dehydration. She probably leapt on this one as fast as she could.

In fact, we don’t know why Leslie Sloane doesn’t just start denying everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does. It’d much more fun. Remember when Lindsay Lohan had sex in a toilet? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan stole that woman’s coat? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was a well-respected actress rather than a dumbly monotonous tabloid fixture? Didn’t happen.

No really, that one didn’t actually happen.

They are forged in the harsh fires of the slums, where, before their big breaks, they are forced into lives of crime to support themselves and sometimes their over two dozen children. A former penchant for illegal drug sales is a popular topic they often thrown into verse.

Also, many of them often sing about a strong desire to enforce laws along side the man, and move inmates from cell block A to cell block B. In one case this appears to actually be true.

Rick Ross, an extraordinary rapper that we have never before heard of, used to be a prison guard. A photo of him in uniform has leaked – and he is denying absolutely everything.

Hecklerspray worked in a prison for almost a year and a half. We’d help the inmates bathe, we’d stand-guard over them while they slept, and occasionally we’d jump out of their underwear drawers first thing in the morning just to see their stunned faces. None of that was technically in our job description, but we love making murderers, rapists and various ethnic gang leaders smile.

Rick Ross knows the joys of working in a prison. He did it starting at around age 19, and pictures of him in uniform have just surfaced. This may have some serious implications for his music career, as much of his song content included details of a past criminal-infused life style.

According to the Smoking Gun:

“Apparently desperate to distance himself from any affiliation with law enforcement, the rapper Rick Ross has recently denounced as fake photos purporting to show him in a former career as a Florida prison guard. But Department of Corrections (DoC) records show that Ross, whose raps detail the Miami gangster lifestyle and his supposed days trafficking cocaine, did, in fact, work as a correctional officer for 18 months. Ross (real name: William Leonard Roberts) was appointed a prison guard in December 1995 at a salary of $22,913.54, according to the below personnel record, which was provided to TSG by Jo Ellyn Rackleff, a DoC spokesperson. The rapper’s social security number is identical to that of the jail guard.”

It seems like there’s a definite pattern recently of big tough rappers falling from ghetto-grace. Young Buck cried all over his telephone, and he wasn’t even holding a gun when he did so. His sissiness was completely un-canceled-out. Akon’s been proven prison-less recently too. Also, we heard he was only able to throw that one fan into the crowd with the help of wires and very small hydrolics.

Ross explains his dilemma away by saying somebody photo-shopped his teenage face onto a prison guard’s body. Look at the pic though – ain’t nothing photo-shopped about it.

We wouldn’t worry about it, Ross. Technically you can still sing about having been in prison. You can mention ‘cell bars’ in your songs, Just don’t mention what side you were standing on. For instance, maybe you can use something like this for your next album:

“As I stand here, looking through the bars, my gaze falls sweetly on the distance. Hark – a butterfly! Tis freedom’s emissary! Beckoning me heavenward!”

Well that doesn’t really rhyme or anything, but fill it with enough passion and nobody will notice. Also, maybe you could sing about the snack machine in the prison guard break room and the time you hit E-11, and the thing kept your money but didn’t drop your Fritos.

Kids love songs about Fritos. That’s gold, we tell you.

But even though there's recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce – where you go to prison if you deny it – some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be.

And one of those people is Guy Ritchie's mother. She's refusing to believe that there's marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of 'absurd poppycock'. 'Absurd poppycock' or 'complete bollocks' depending on whether she's the parent responsible for Guy's frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can't be bothered to find out which she is.

When Guy Ritchie married Madonna, his mother Lady Amber Leighton (OK, so maybe she was in charge of the posh side) knew that she wasn't so much losing a son as gaining a daughter-in-law – a daughter-in-law who's nearly as old as she is and once made a book about how brilliant she thinks her own genitalia is. Talk about hitting the jackpot.

However, perhaps Lady Amber Leighton loves Madonna a little too much, because she might just be the only person on the face of the earth not to realise that the marriage between Guy Ritchie and Madonna is on an expressway to the crapper.

You can't open a newspaper any more without being confronted with headlines about how Madonna and Guy sleep in separate bedrooms or how Madonna has hired Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer , or how Guy Ritchie is so depressed that he's taken to hanging around with Sting in the hope that some residual smugness rubs off on him or something. It really looks as if Madonna's marriage to Guy Ritchie is all but over.

We know, we're surprised too – who'd have thought that a woman who once wanked herself off in front of the Pope doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage? But Guy Ritchie's mother isn't having any of it, as Fox News reports:

Lady Amber Leighton called the reports "works of fiction" and said that "they are no different to most other couples and we all know that being together can be hard sometimes. But like other couples they work at keeping their relationship happy and fresh." She then said she "spoke to Guy this morning, not about divorce but about a new feature film project he has got under way. There’s no conversation about divorce because there is no divorce."

See? That's the sort of unbeatable logic that shows why Guy Ritchie's mum is a Lady and you're just a hopeless schlub who thinks that eating chips with a fork is the epitome of breeding – there can't be a divorce because there wasn't a conversation about a divorce. Genius! And, following those lines, since we haven't had a conversation about Eskimos, dolphins or our own ankles for a while, we've decided that they don't exist either. Take that, stupid non-existent foot-joint!

Anyway, we think that everyone's missed the main point of the story here – read Lady Amber Leighton's quote again. That's right – Guy Ritchie is going to make another film. It's far, far worse than any of us could have imagined. To the bunkers!

Or something. Anyway, this attorney – Jon Eardley – had been pushing to move Britney Spears' conservatorship case to a federal court because of this apparent civil rights hoo-hah.

But it isn't going to happen. A judge has ruled that the Britney Spears case has to remain in California because the attorney isn't really Britney Spears' attorney. Interesting, huh? OK, on with your lives now.

If ever there was a human being who doesn't deserve normal civil rights, it's Britney Spears. Give Britney Spears an inch of civil freedom and next thing you know she's using it to wear a bright pink wig and lead a small army of paparazzi around a fast food restaurant car park while she mutters at herself in a British accent and weeps.

Face the facts – the only thing that's helped Britney Spears recover from her horrible mental breakdown last month was the way that her father Jamie Spears took control of her conservatorship and imposed a strict set of rules on her. But some would say those rules were imposed a little too strongly. 

Like Jon Eardley, for example. He argued that Jamie had stripped Britney Spears of her civil rights and wouldn't allow her to think for herself or wee by herself, and that when Britney tried to phone Eardley the phone was snatched away from her because it was in the middle of Jamie Spears Jabs Britney's Ankles With An Electric Cattle Prod To Make Her Dance Like A Sad Puppet Hour. Or whatever.

Anyway, Jon Eardley used this argument to try and move the Britney Spears case to a federal court, but yesterday a judge decided that he wasn't having any of it. Reuters reports:

A federal judge on Tuesday ruled the case of pop singer Britney Spears' conservatorship should remain in a California court, effectively allowing the troubled performer's father to keep control of her affairs. U.S. District Judge Philip Gutierrez said attorney Jon Eardley, who claimed Spears' civil rights were violated by California officials, could not be Spears' attorney and, as a result, was not entitled to move the case to federal court. "Mr. Eardley had no authority to remove the case from state court. He is neither a party nor a defendant," Gutierrez wrote in his ruling.

It's probably for the best that Judge Gutierrez made this decision, because a move to a federal court would have only brought more attention to Britney Spears, and that's just about the last thing she needs. Plus this way Jamie Spears can continue doing the seemingly fine job of keeping Britney Spears in check. And let's not forget that it keeps Judge Philip Gutierrez in the limelight, too, bringing his dream of hosting a daytime cookery TV show one tantalising step closer. 

However, this legal kerfuffle hasn't been without its drawbacks. It's been reported that the cost of fighting Eardley's claims ran to more than $40,000. And, since Eardley claims that he was hired by Britney Spears, then his fees will also be coming out of the Britney Spears bank balance.

Eventually, if this continues, Britney Spears is going to run out of cash. So maybe it's time for her to think about marketing a new perfume with a name that reflects her current situation. How about Britney Spears: Locked In A Cage That Used To Belong To A Spider Monkey?

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Britney Spears case to stay in California court – Reuters 

Amy was supposed to be performing at the Grammys this weekend, but her request for an American visa has been denied, possibly because she'd explode the faces off every sniffer dog in a 50-mile radius the instant she landed at LAX.

Still, ever the trouper Amy Winehouse has vowed to do her Grammys performance live by satellite – just as soon as she's worked out whether her husband's prison or the confines of her drug rehab centre will make the more attractive backdrop.

You might have thought that it was fear of another near-fatal overdose that spurred Amy Winehouse on to seek treatment for her drug addiction, or possibly the shame of seeing herself apparently smoking crack on the front page of a newspaper. But it wasn't – Amy Winehouse supposedly only went to rehab because she wanted to play the Grammys so badly.

After a year that's seen her pull American tours and big American awards shows, the Grammys were meant to be Amy Winehouse's way of proving that she's still a talented singer underneath all the endless tabloid fluff. And since she notched up more  Grammy nominations than anyone else, a performance during the ceremony would be Amy's crowning glory. All she needed was for America to grant her a visa.

Yeah, hasn't happened. 

It was already touch and go whether Amy Winehouse would be granted a visa after she was arrested on a minor drugs charge in Norway last year, but there's a chance that the video of Winehouse appearing to huff down mouthful after mouthful of delicious crack after a night on the Valium, ecstasy powder and cocaine might have possibly made the US visa people a little bit nervous too. The Associated Press reports:

The Outside Organization, which counts the troubled retro-soul sensation among its clients, said in an e-mail that Winehouse — who shot to fame with the autobiographical single "Rehab" — was disappointed that her request for a visa had been turned down by the U.S. Embassy. "Amy has been progressing well since entering a rehabilitation clinic two weeks ago and although disappointed with the decision has accepted the ruling and will be concentrating on her recovery," the Outside Organization said. The statement didn't say why her application was rejected.

Of course, it's quite correct that Amy Winehouse should be refused entry into America – no musician who's ever so much as seen a drug has ever been allowed into America – but, undeterred, Amy Winehouse has decided to still perform at the Grammys by satellite.

That's bittersweet news, because satellite performances in awards shows never have any of the impact of the live performances. However, on the bright side Amy Winehouse can sing her Grammys song and go home, saving her the agony of sitting through all 13 arse-numbing hours of the ceremony like everyone else.

And, let's face it, if hearing the nominations for the Best-Engineered Polka Album Sleevenotes (Sans Serif) award getting droned out by the drummer from Aerosmith four hours into an already interminable show makes us want to turn to hard drugs, just imagine what a mess it'd leave Amy Winehouse in.

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Winehouse to Sing Via Satellite at Show – Press Association 

And that's what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.

And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We'd like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown's hair-pulling range.

When celebrities get put in jail, quite often they're released again after a couple of hours. But that's only because celebrities tend to break the law in silly harmless ways like violating their probation or driving into oncoming motorway traffic on drugs. But Foxy Brown didn't do any of that fun stuff, much to her detriment.

What illegal stuff Foxy Brown did do, in fact, was so numerous that we can't even be bothered to list it all here. Needless to say, beauticians have been kicked and that woman's still pulling number-pads out of her face. And that's why Foxy Brown was saddled with a one-year jail term in September. 

And what a slog it's been so far – first Foxy Brown was locked up in solitary and now she's not even allowed to hear stuff. Apparently the on/off deafness that Foxy Brown sometimes experiences has flipped itself to 'on' and Foxy Brown claims that she needs an important trip to California to save her hearing forever.

Sadly, though, the judge don't care for that ho-skank's ears much, as E! Online reports:

A New York judge has denied the rapper's request for a premature end to her yearlong jail stint in order to travel to California for an ear examination and possible repair of a troublesome cochlear implant. Attorney Laura Dilimetin argued that Brown, who first made public her hearing issues during a 2004 court date, required the services of specialists at the Los Angeles House Clinic, the center where she received her initial treatment for the sudden hearing loss. Prosecutors, however, said the "Chyna Doll" artist could just as easily make do with more localized medical services and called the request, which included a four-page letter penned by a "terrified" Brown, a "desperate and frivolous petition."

Yeah, stick that Foxy Brown! You'll have to make do with those dirty-fingered New York ear doctors who use hotdogs instead of medical instruments! That's good enough, surely – it's either that or you spend the rest of your life listening to an upsetting and unpleasant atonal squeal that makes you want to vomit.

Unless you decide to turn your new album off, that is.

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Foxy Gives Judge Earful, Gets Denied - E! Online 

Yes, we know we just said that Pamela Anderson was pregnant, but that's because we thought she was and, well, the thought of Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's genes colliding to create an unborn baby with the potential to become an internet sex tape Olympian was just too darn exciting. 

Pamela Anderson's blog, you see, has the word 'no' written on it. Twice. So that's another hope of ours dashed.

Forget what you've heard. Not about everything – that would probably be a bit catastrophic – but just about Pamela Anderson getting pregnant with Rick Salomon's baby. Because it looks like it was all just a case of wishful thinking on the part of everyone on the planet. 

In what we assume is a reference to the pregnancy rumours, the ever-eloquent Pamela Anderson has taken to her blog to write the following page-turner:

No

No.

Now, as we've said, we're only partially certain that Pamela Anderson is talking about this rumoured pregnancy of hers, although we could be wrong. For all we know she could just be answering the questions 'Are you a natural blonde?' and 'Hey, are those things real?'

Nevertheless, this must have all just made Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's break-up harder – in just pitifully small number of months they've hooked up, got married, filed for divorce and partially changed their minds and now they have a possibly invented baby on the way? It's just too much for a couple of bad-haired internet porn dimwits to take.

Still, now that the pregnancy has been denied it's good to see that Pamela Anderson is able to keep up her gruelling, near-annual marriage/ divorce/ magical disappearing baby workload up. Be proud, Pammy, you're doing well.

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No – Pamela Anderson