Denied - HecklerSpray

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown Not Rekindling Their Awful Romance

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

To quote one of her own bellowed-out power ballads, didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have it all?

Obviously by ‘it all’ we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that?

Well, yes. Yes they did. But that’s all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren’t getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn’t just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.

David Duchovny Not Smashing His Balls Into Tennis Instructor

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Duchovny’s two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly.

And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant With ‘A Bunch Of Made-Up Crap’

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We know that for a few blood-chilling moments yesterday everyone thought Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again – but it’s OK, she’s not.

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Sharon Stone Didn’t Botox Her Son’s Stinky-Bum Feet, OK?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might not know this, but Sharon Stone is famed for her sense of smell – if a mouse does a poo 50 miles away, Sharon Stone will still puke up and faint because if it.

And this ability has ultimately been Sharon Stone’s undoing. Sharon Stone lost custody of her child recently, with one of the justifications being that Sharon’s eight-year-old son had feet that smelt like putrid bum death, and she wanted to cure this with regular Botox injections into his feet.

However, Sharon Stone has denied wanting to Botox her son’s feet, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’. But on the other hand, she did give him a browlift to stop his sweaty armpits and a brand new set of 36DD plastic boobies to try and offset his chronic farting, so who knows.

Miley Cyrus Never Ever Leaving Hannah Montana Ever. Ever.

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus a star – well, to be more accurate it was Hannah Montana, constant implied teenage nudity and a creepy dad.

But for now let’s just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up – Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life – but there may be trouble on the horizon.

Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she’s got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don’t you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid’s TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?

Jamie Lynn Spears Sent Sarah Palin’s Kid Nothing, Actually

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Heartbreaking news – Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandkid will grow up bereft of overpriced burp cloths with ‘Yummy’ embroidered on them.

You know those reports yesterday saying that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin a bunch of baby gifts as a kindly reminder that she isn’t the only teenage girl to bring shame on her family by letting a redneck hump her without a condom until she got pregnant? Yeah, didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has denied the whole story.

If that’s the case, poor old Bristol Palin. It’s one thing to illuminate the schism between Sarah Palin’s personal and professional ideals while watching her unborn baby get hijacked as a political football by all sides, but getting the stinkeye from Zoey 101? That has to sting.

Mark David Chapman’s 5th Parole Attempt Shot Dead

March 25th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

As websites go, hecklerspray is one particularly bent on justice.

For instance, we think Charles Manson should get another life sentence or two tacked on to that which he was already given. We’d like to see Ted Bundy get executed again, and for the love of Pete we think it high time Rachel Ray finally gets what’s coming to her.

What’s coming to her is cookies or something. As far as we know she has never killed people on a mass scale, and deserves very little incarceration if any.

Another piece of undeniable justice that deserves to be held high pertains to one Mark David Chapman. We think he killed Marilyn Monroe or something. Anyway, he was up for parole for the fifth time recently – and once again got denied.

Probably because even seventy years later, people still really, really like Marilyn Monroe.

Beyonce is White, L’Oreal Seems to Think

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

It must be a great feeling to be Beyonce Knowles-Z – a strong, black, female role model for millions around the world.

That is, unless a cosmetics company decide to make you white. Then you kind of fall down on part of that description.

It would seem that the make-up behemoths at L’Oreal may just be the types to force this kind of change on the young diva, with claims being made that Beyonce‘s skin tone has been lightened for a magazine ad. The company dispute these allegations.

You know – ‘whitening’ things up to make them more palatable to the masses. They did it with every other element of black culture – the music, the clothing, the lingo – why not start trying to make black celebrities white too?

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard with it – but it’s Friday, and hecklerspray has some drinkin’ to get done. It’s maybe not as bad as that.

Lindsay Lohan Apparently Hit By Motorbike; Motorbike Apparently OK

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Ever since Lindsay Lohan decided to trade alleged drug abuse for alleged lesbianism, you have to admit that she’s been a bit of a snore.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You see, it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was hit by a motorbike in New York this weekend – reports backed up by the fact that the hospital she went to admitted someone called Lindsay Lohan on the night the accident took place. But Lindsay Lohan’s family and publicist are denying that anything happened at all.

Welcome back Lindsay. We’ve missed you.

Tough Hard Rapper Rick Ross Deeply Regrets Responsible Past

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Rappers are often strong, bold men with a ghetto-earned prowess and a serious set of skills when it comes to rhyming various words with other various words.

They are forged in the harsh fires of the slums, where, before their big breaks, they are forced into lives of crime to support themselves and sometimes their over two dozen children. A former penchant for illegal drug sales is a popular topic they often thrown into verse.

Also, many of them often sing about a strong desire to enforce laws along side the man, and move inmates from cell block A to cell block B. In one case this appears to actually be true.

Rick Ross, an extraordinary rapper that we have never before heard of, used to be a prison guard. A photo of him in uniform has leaked – and he is denying absolutely everything.