Since John and George died, there’s been something of a tussle over who can be the funniest remaining Beatle. Paul McCartney is just too wacky to be properly funny, so that means, by default, Ringo gets the crown, right?

Well, sadly for Ringo, he seems to be suffering from an onset on dementia.

Of course, our Ring’ became something of a laughing stock when he warned us all with ‘peace and love’ not to send him any more gifts (how can anyone top those paintings Marge Simpson did of him?). Then he went and vaguely slagged off Liverpool. He’s priceless isn’t he? Well, now he’s slagging Paul McCartney off. Next, we assume he’ll be pissing on Lennon’s grave.

First of all, Ringo is claiming that The Beatles were lucky to have him as their drummer. And he’s right to say that as he was the best man on Merseyside to man the drumstool at the time (and, contrary to popular belief, remained a really great drummer throughout the Beatles’ career).

He says:

‘Within Liverpool, I was a lot more well know than them. Rory and the Hurricanes (Starr’s former band) were big shots in the city. We had the suits. That was our claim to fame. The Beatles were lucky to get me. It wasn’t just that I was a big shot; I was a cool drummer.’

All well and good, right? Everyone knows Ringo was better than Pete Best. But what’s all this about Macca?

Well, Ringo is still touring with his (pretty awful) All Starr Band. He keeps asking Paul to join them but alas, as one of the greatest living songwriters on the planet, he’s always busy.

This obviously sticks in Starr’s craw.

‘Every time I ask him to tour with the All Starrs, he says he is too busy.’

Then, Ringo goes a bit mental.

‘We’re as close as we want to be. We’re the only two remaining Beatles, although he likes to think he’s the only one. I actually think it’s people on the outside who perceive Paul as thinking he’s the only member left, when actually it’s me. I am the last remaining Beatle.’

Paul is dead man, miss him, miss him…

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Ah! Ringo Starr! Currently the fourth most intelligent Beatle. Yes. We realise two of them are dead. Even the ghost of Lennon wouldn’t be so daft as to warn people with peace and love about sending him shit to the afterlife.

Yet this isn’t a bad thing. It’s because Ringo Starr is so insultingly stupid that he’s so great. In The Beatles Anthology series, all the best one-liners were his. He swore like nobody’s business and showed off a variety of spectacularly dismal waistcoats and mullets. What a guy!

However, we would like to see his house knocked down please because he’s an ungrateful swine.

Like slagging people’s mums, never knock somewhere you don’t live. It doesn’t matter if you once resided there, you can’t slate somewhere if people still call it their home. This is especially the case if you’re in Liverpool.

Liverpool is a tough city and those that live there will fiercely defend it to any naysayers. In private, they’ll slag it off ’til the cows come home, but they’re allowed because they’re scousers, plastic or otherwise.

So when Ringo Starr kinda shrugged his shoulders on the Jonathan Ross show and pretty much said Liverpool was a bag of gash, there was uproar in Merseyside.

How dare he?! He soon buggered off to America or the Home Counties or whichever glitzy craphole he lives in now! How dare he have the front to sneer at the place that helped to propel him to stardom?!

He’s thick, y’dummies! Of all the Fabs, he was the one most likely to say “Liverpool? Too wet, too cold and full of scrubbers, said Thomas”, right?

So he won’t give a monkeys that his birthplace is getting demolished will he? Sod him if he does. It’ll serve him right for sneering one off down that long, famous snout of his.

9 Madryn Street, in Dingle, is probably going to get hauled down and redeveloped which has seen fans who presumably don’t live in the area, and thereby, don’t need a place to live in Liverpool, campaigning to save the building. Yeah! That’s what Liverpool needs! Sod people living under a roof! We want a Ringo Museum where we can look at a 1950s kitchen while a man sings ‘It Don’t Come Easy’ down the stairs while wearing half a parsnip on his nose!

Council leader Joe Anderson says:

“The community in that area have been waiting for 11 years to have these houses demolished and believe they have waited long enough”

Chairman of the campaign to Save Madryn Street, Philip Coppell, disagrees and says:

“Number 9 is a priceless tourist resource that the city would be mad to destroy.”

Of course it is Philip. And people really love his ‘Goodnight Vienna’ LP just as much as they enjoyed listening to She Loves You and Ticket To Ride.

That said, this is pretty cool.

Oh forget that!

Sod it. Pull it down. hecklerspray will help if you want.

You hire the skip and we’ll bring the lump hammers.

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If you care deeply about the fate of houses that skinny dead women used to live in, then this is the story for you.

The family home of The Carpenters is going to be demolished because the current owner is sick of weird Carpenters fans hanging around all the time, and the fight is on to save the important memorial that one quite dull band used to live in for a while until one of them died.

Will the campaign to save The Carpenters house from demolition be successful? More importantly, can you really bring yourself to be even slightly bothered about whether a sodding house gets knocked down or not?

Some terrible things happen to the houses of dead celebrities. Take Graceland, for example – Elvis fans have literally started to go there to die now, while Johnny Cash's house suffered the biggest indignity of all in 2006 when a Bee Gee bought it. Perhaps it'd be better if all these houses were just demolished.

That seems to be the case at the moment with the old Carpenters house in Downey, south of Los Angeles. Although the house holds special significance for fans of The Carpenters because if featured on the cover of one of their albums and the band recorded there and it's where Karen Carpenter collapsed before she died, the current owner wants to knock it down anyway.

The reason? She's fed up with creepy Carpenters fans coming along and staring through the windows like a bunch of easy listening sods and leaving flowers everywhere. BBC News reports:

Fans of The Carpenters are objecting to plans to have pop duo's former family home knocked down… Jon Konjoyan, fan of the act who had huge success in the 1970s, said: "This house is our version of Graceland." The five-bedroom house was immortalised when it featured on the cover of The Carpenters' 1973 hit album Now & Then. Jessica Parra, whose parents own the house, said at first they allowed fans into their home and gave away items left behind by Richard Carpenter. "But honestly, it became horrible, not only for us but for the neighbourhood," she said, adding that fans "peek in windows and take pictures".

Sort of makes you wonder what they thought they'd be getting into buying a house where a woman who sold 100 million albums died. If they didn't want all this intrusion, perhaps it'd have been wiser to a house belonging to someone who fewer people cared about, like Dane Bowers or Shane Richie or something.

But regardless of that, it'll be interesting to see whether the Carpenters fans will be able to halt the demolishment of their heroes' home. Perhaps if enough of them gang together they'll be able to buy the house and turn it into a theme park-style shine to The Carpenters, that lets fans pay to lie down in the exact spot where Karen Carpenter collapsed, or ride a nauseatingly psychedelic ghost train that helps visitors understand what it was like to be Richard Carpenter when he was off his face of Qualuudes. And, of course, the Karen Carpenter Experience, which mainly involves not eating very much for a while.

Chances are that none of this will happen though because, as Carpenters fans, the protesters are among the puniest and most ineffectual saps ever to walk the earth.

Read more:

Carpenter house faces demolition - BBC