Except for the man she ate none of that’s true, of course, but it really doesn’t matter. If Angelina’s assistant has free reign to invent stories for the press then so do we. Or should we say her fake assistant.

Yes, Jolie’s got some woman posing as her assistant going about issuing press statements construed primarily of falsehoods and deceit – that’s where the recent untrue news Jolie gave birth in France came from.

Such horrific lies! Now that’s our kind of woman.

Angelina Jolie’s been walking around with Brad Pitt’s new babies stuck inside her for over a year now, and she thinks it high time they came a’shootin’ out. What she doesn’t realise is she can’t poop them just yet, because although the typical human body needs only nine months to sufficiently materialise, acting ability of any calibre needs an additional three months.

Actually, Ang hasn’t been pregnant that long. If reports are to be believed the exact conception date can be traced back to a day in late November when Brad came home with a box of chocolate Twinkies (they’re in the oyster family). If reports aren’t to be believed than we have absolutely no idea how long the twins haven’t been separate sperm and egg.

A lady posing as Angelina’s assistant to several press outlets thinks those babies have been brewing long enough, and cooked up this story:

“According to reports in France, Angelina Jolie gave birth on Sunday at a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region, OK! Magazine said Friday. French gossip sites reported that the babies were named Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane, in honor of the girls’ grandmothers.”

Look familiar? It should – we reported it a bit ago. But it’s a lie, and it hurts us to know we could be used to pass such falsehood unto you, our dearest friends. On a side note did you know it’s recently been discovered that Shaquille O’Neal is the son of legendary Hulk actor Bill Bixby and Murder She Wrote vixen Angela Lansbury? That one’s absolutely true – we swear. It’s been double checked!

Anyway, here’s the real scoop on the fake assistant, as phrased by Jolie’s something or other:

“A random individual has engaged in a scheme to intentionally harm my client and deceive her fans, the public and the media through illegal and tortuous impersonation of Ms Jolie’s long-time assistant, Holly.”

Such imposter-ism hasn’t been known in Hollywood since Skeletor made that blue He-Man – remember that? All of Eternia was duped – and we heard it made Teela afraid to love again. But what’s worse is the fact that Jolie’s fake-Holly’s apparently been at it for over a year. We don’t know what other stories she’s ruthlessly pushed on the public – perhaps the one where Jolie once kept manwhich in her butt for three whole days – but we certainly hope truth shall prevail!

Really we don’t care either way, but a strong paragraph-ender was really needed up there.