If you’re an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of books as one of your favourites then you likely need to be shot. In the face.
If you’re an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of films as one of your favourites then you need to be fired. From a cannon. Into the sun. Twice.
Needless to say, the idiots that do like this garbage – that’s ‘kids’ and the aforementioned persons that need to be killed in excessive fashions – will be upset to learn that the newest film, Harry Potter and the Simple Premise Drawn Out For Far Too Long, Thus Making Billions of Dollars, has been pushed back by eight months.
Why? Technical problems? Realising it’s crap? No – to make sure it comes out in the summer when Warner Bros don’t have much else to bring out. In other words: to make more money.
What a lovely, cynical, money-grabbing world we do live in. It makes us feel all gooey inside.
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Madonna’s a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all.
And that means that nobody’s allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she’d gained permanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son.
But it didn’t happen – the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That’s not ideal for Madonna, but it’s even worse for David Banda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.
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Although the ongoing writers' strike means that you'll probably have to wait another year to see how crappy the new season of 24 is, it's not all bad – the strike has meant that the sequel to The Da Vinci Code has been delayed.
Apparently Angels & Demons, the chronological prequel to last year's clergy-enraging The Da Vinci Code, is the first big-name movie to be hit by the writers' strike, and its release date of Christmas 2008 has now been pushed back to May 2009 at the earliest because the script isn't good enough. But, hey, let's not get glum because we have to wait to see Ron Howard grind out another tedious, tourist-baiting film about how rubbish it is to be a Catholic – in the intervening time, not only can Ron Howard try to make Angels & Demons look vaguely interesting, but Tom Hanks has gained an extra half-year to style his hair into a mullet that's even more preposterous than the one from The Da Vinci Code.
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Aside from the drugs, the self-harm, the wayward onstage performances and the erratic offstage behaviour, Amy Winehouse would be a model citizen if only her husband wasn't in jail for smashing some bloke's face up.
But he is, and he won't be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake's going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it's looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.
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