Beyonce is pregnant. That’s great isn’t it? Unless you’d hoped that B and Jay Z were going to adopt you in some way. She’s 3 months gone! Wow. Wait. That means she was having sex when when Osama bin Laden got killed or Ratko Mladi? got arrested for genocide and war crimes.

It seems justice, death and open war-graves turn Beyonce on. Crikey.

While everyone koochy coos about this new baby, Kanye West is shouting “FIRST” in the comments, saying that he’s already decided that he’s going to be the godfather of this baby, regardless of what anyone else says.

It goes without saying that Kanye wants to play a significant role in the baby’s life. He wants to play a significant role in absolutely everyone’s life.

He isn’t needy at all.

And some source says:

“Kanye is as excited about the baby as Beyoncé and Jay-Z. He’s been saying he’s going to be godfather and is absolutely chuffed. It will be a huge honour for him.”

Chuffed? With that use of British slang, we can’t imagine that the source is particularly close to Kanye can we?

Either way, this source is incredibly likely to be close to be close to the mark. You can easily imagine ‘Ye wobbling around with his golden teeth and spectacularly fragile ego, staring people right in the eyeball, shouting “Imma gonna take care of this child! Imma gonna be the best godfather the world ever saw!”

Sadly, if this is the case, this poor little sod won’t ever get the chance to finish a sentence without Uncle Kanye barging in.

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Do you leave tips in restaurants? If there’s a few of you, you all chuck a quid in each because that seems about right? Well, you’re nothing but a sickening tightwad because, when Jay Z leaves a tip, he really leaves a tip.

We’re not talking about a tip like “condoms make excellent fingerprint disguisers if you’re robbing a chemist” or anything like that.

We’re talking about Jigga going to some place and leaving them with a $50,000. Tell that to Mr Pink from Reservoir Dogs.

It’s fair to say that Jay has a bit of money to throw around. This tip came on the back of him spending a buttock tightening $250,000 on champagne at the launch party for his and Kanye West’s new (pretty lousy) album, Watch The Throne.

After some time off, it seems rappers are back in the game when it comes to vulgar displays of wealth. Christ knows what will happen with our Premier League footballers now, ever eager to copy their hip hop idols.

J-Hova wasn’t done there. He also produced $95,000 from his gold plated throat to pay for a 15 litre bottle of Armand de Brignac’s special Ace of Spades bubbly.

A witness said:

“It takes two people to serve the champagne due to the size and weight of the bottle!”

Another onlooker spat:

“I WANTED A PEAR CIDER Y’PRICK!”

Previously, Johnny Depp wowed everyone by leaving a $1,150 tip somewhere, while Jessica Simpson left a $300 tip for the $500 bill at a New York restaurant.

But Jiggaman has made them look like heartless bastards.

Lady GaGa has a new video out again for us to all split into two camps about. One camp is the “Hurray! She’s weird and fresh! Just what pop needs!”, the other is the “Boo! She’s an idiot! An attention seeking idiot! Make her go away!”

This promo for ‘You And I’ will be no different as it features a sexually charged GaGa (or three) messing about with vomit, mermaids, quiffs and Heston Blumenthal.

What? Really? Yes. It’s all a warning about the perils of mixing fish with ice-cream.

So how do you go about warning people away from the prospect of fish flavoured ice-cream?

You may think that this is a message that doesn’t really need conveying. Fish and ice-cream? It sounds disgusting. That may well be the case, but for those curious sorts out there, you need to learn the lessons GaGa has.

Fish ice-cream will ruin your life.

Before we get going, here’s Lady GaGa’s seemingly innocent video for ‘You And I’. Watch it, and then we’ll tell you the secrets that lie within.

Like many, Gaga loves ice-cream so much that it actually hurts. She’s sinks to her pointy little knees in agony at the rear of an ice-cream truck. But this is no ordinary ice-cream truck.

This is ice-cream made by a toothless pervert. It’s his favourite flavour – mermaid hair.

Of course, mermaid hair ice-cream isn’t very nice and something of an acquired taste. So, the only viable alternative is to eat someone’s chin.

Of course, having someone nibble your chin while your breath smells like fishy hair is rather arousing. Gaga likes people nibbling her chin just as much as she likes ice-cream. How do we know? Well, all of her clothes have accidentally fallen off.

And what happens when people’s clothes fall off? They do the sex. The sex is always followed by a post coital cigarette, right? But who’s that man on the piano? Is it Mr Chin Nibbler?

No! It’s Lady GuyGuy!

However, mermaid hair ice-cream is so potent, that mixed with having your chin nibbled, it turns you into a ravenous sexpot. Lady GaGa soon ditches ol’ Lady GuyGuy and starts making out with some other dude! It is here that we begin to see the worrying after effects of fish flavoured ice-cream.

While Joe Smokestabs administers ice-cream in the usual fashion (in a cone, with nicotine stained fingers), this new guys has the moves! He’s some kind of experimental Heston Blumenthal type chef who administers ice-cream through strange contraptions.

And this new chap is not only experimental with his desserts. He’s so good at sex that he can turn you into a fish. This, of course, is an allegory for being promiscuous. It all becomes clear. Mr Sexy Sexy may well be the exciting option, but he’s riddled with STDs. He’s a playa, as the folks of Geraldo probably say.

Look at the fishy sex! This is clearly a set-up which requires us to mention the smell of a poorly vagina. The smell of fish.

And what does a poorly vagina make us do? Lady GuyGuy demonstrates with a nice vomit brought about by anxiety, anger and the smell of a fishy vagina. Damn.

So what have we learned? Don’t trust a man who administers his penis at you in weird ways because, chances are, it will make you smell like fishy ice-cream and make your ex-partner puke with disgust. A lesson for us all there.

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Kanye West and Jay Z have got together to make supreme ego project, Watch The Throne. The first single taken from it is called ‘Otis’. Is that something to do with the people who make shopping centre escalators?

Of course it isn’t. That’s a stupid notion. But well done if you’ve ever noticed that mall escalators are made by a company called Otis. You’re as sad as we are.

No, this new track is called ‘Otis’ because it leans heavily on a sample taken from Otis Redding’s most famous track, ‘Try A Little Tenderness’. A little too heavily if you ask us. But what is the video like? Well, lets pull it to pieces shall we?

While the new release has broken all kindsa records, there’s a palpable sense that this won’t be remembered as a classic in years to come. Of course, the duo have their own impressive back catalogues to contend with, and more importantly, who cares what jerk-off critics like us think of such things, right?

However, there was a certain amount of confusion surrounding the lead track when it was announced.

See, we weren’t listening properly and were convinced that Jay and ‘Ye had decided to remake forgotten ’80s cartoon, Ovid Video when we heard that there was going to be an ‘Otis’ video.

Looking at the cartoon in question, we’re not sure that even J Hova could make this tune cool.

No, instead, we’ve been treated to this impressively dull promotional video which shows our protagonists… well… not really doing anything at all.

First off, we see Jay and West approaching an expensive looking car with some implements of death. These are the kind of things you would want someone to throw in your underpants. Meanwhile, a team of Top Gear Stig’s look on nervously, hoping that the tools will be taken to the body of the car, rather than an ad-hoc circumcision.

Mercifully for the Stig balls, the video quickly turns into awful Sunday afternoon show, Scrapheap Challenge. And bit of car are cut up despite there being nothing noticeably wrong with it.

An the tinkering with a perfectly good car continue, for reasons unclear. It seems like such a daft waste of cash, given that we’re in a dreadful financial predicament. The folly of rich men is laid bare, much like the track itself.

And so, from the kind of car a managing director might drive… to this. Mad Max meets the DeLorean from Back To The Future. A fire breathing daftmobile which is insanely impractical. How are you going to get the shopping in that? It looks too wide for a drive-thru as well. They really hadn’t thought this through had they? Silly celebrities.

And here they are, stood before the Stars ‘n’ Stripes. It’s the American dream. The ability to confidently throw your money around like it’s going out of fashion! What could possibly go wrong?

See? Look how much fun they’re having! They can’t stop laughing! They’ve chopped a car up, made it shoot fire out of the back and everything couldn’t be more hilarious!

And how the girls in the back laugh too! Wait! Not one of them is Beyonce! And surely it isn’t safe to have a unsafe road vehicle that breathes fire tearing up the place with four girls sat in the back with no seatbelts on. This is the kind of reckless behaviour that kills people. And all they can do is laugh?

Ever the gentleman (despite the fact he’s in a car with a bunch of girls who aren’t his wife), Jay decided to walk alongside the monster car. Sadly, some bloke in a suit has decided to jump in, making the whole thing a mockery.

And so, our heroes leave the car completely for a nice pray. They pray that no-one gets hurt by this junkyard motor. They also pray that no-one can see straight through their forced bon homie.

Then they forget about all that health and safety nonsense and decide to laugh uproariously in their car again. Kanye can barely remember the death of his mother after a botched bout of plastic surgery! He’s got women behind him, laughing their legs off! This is the funniest car journey in history! They’re probably listening to the Ying Tong Song to make it even funnier! What japes!

Then they blow up some tiny boxes and go home for some Ovaltine, assured that they’ve had a very productive day. How splendid it must be to be able to polish such expensive turds.

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Last week our editor Mof made us all listen to Cher Lloyd’s ‘Swagger Jagger‘ causing a mixture of great sadness, violent outbursts and uncontrollable bleeding throughout the hecklerspray bedsit.  Not a pretty sight.

So you can imagine our horror when we found out that another video has surfaced where she’s still attempting to convince us all she’s a really brilliant pop star by letting noises fall out of her mouth again while some poor fella is forced (paid) to play the guitar beside her in black and white.

We’ll let you be the judge of her new single ‘Superhero’ below but it seems that Cher cannot take any form of criticism whatsoever and is determined to answer critics on Twitter personally in some brattish attempt to get the last word.

Our Cher (not the other Cher -she’s that one who is a really rather splendid actress and probably killed Sonny Bono on that ski slope or something. We can’t remember now) went about saying things like this:

@ChloeNelmes you may view me as being talentless but ya still taking the time to tweet me, #waste.

And the newspaper showbiz columnists didn’t get off lightly either:

@3am full of shit, shuv your shitty remarks up your arse, put that on ya website, divvy shits.

Indeed.  Cher hasn’t quite grasped the concept of feedback has she?

She recently performed at T4 on the Beach alongside Example, another ‘hater’ having described Cher’s music as:

“the biggest crime since she got a record deal”

Example  told stv.tv he had nothing against Cher personally, but insisted:

“She goes in the press and slates everyone. She’s a bit horrible herself. Then everyone’s like “she’s only 17” but I think well don’t go on The X Factor then, don’t get into this industry.

So did Cher’s Twitter wrath also include some incoherent abuse directed towards Example?

@example ahh! I’m so excited! Let’s forgive and forget, and be best friends forever! Lots of love, bratface cherbear, xoxo

Nope.  She saves that for people she’ll actually never have to meet it seems.

Anyway, here’s the video. If you watch it and tell Cher you don’t like it, she’ll probably drop that giant ghetto blaster from the Swagger Jagger video on your head while you sleep.

You have been warned. Watch out for when she says “turned out to be a sad case”. Hilarious.

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Cher Lloyd can’t do a thing right. We suspect it isn’t actually anything to do with her, rather, the machinery that surrounds her. Every single move made by the financiers seems to be one clanging mistake after another.

And so, painted into a corner with a neon sign flashing over her head saying ‘Unlikeable’, Cher Lloyd’s ‘Swagger Jagger’ video gets its premiere… and everyone hates it.

When we started writing this article, more YouTubers ‘disliked’ it than rated it. And of course, like all pop releases of note, we’re on-hand to dissect it with the cruelty scalpel.

Before we get going, what does Swagger Jagger actually mean? Is Cher Lloyd having a pop at Mick Jagger, a man with so much pensioner swag that he can fuel a private jet on it?

Either way, the response to the track has been far from kind, thanks in large to one of the worst choruses in pop history.

So before we get going, here’s the video for you to watch… and then we’ve noticed a bunch of stuff which you can refute or harangue.

Let’s go!

LOOK!

OH LOOK!

First thing we see in the video is a little product placement. As you can see, Cher Lloyd has a Sony Ericsson in her hand. The phone is playing Swagger Jagger on it. That’s because no-one on the radio wants to play it. Like a scally on the back of the bus, she doesn’t care that nobody wants to hear it.

Worse still, she’s somehow rigged the awful song to a ghetto blaster, ensuring that absolutely no-one can escape the dismal ‘Oh my darling Clementine!’ bit. It says a lot when you have a Clementine-based song which makes Mark Owen’s ‘Clementine’ sound like a masterpiece.

Of course, before the ‘Clementine’ bit kicks in, there’s the Actually Not That Shabby jarring-pop bit. Sadly, it is a Black Eyed Peas By Numbers track. It follows the same formula as their ‘I’ve Had The Time Of My Life’ monstrosity. However, the level of confidence shown by Cher Lloyd is misguided. Apparently, we can’t stop staring at her, which simply isn’t true. There’s a whole plethora of other pop stars we’ve been staring at and will continue to stare at. Youthful exuberance is one thing…

…being a cocky little shit with a pretty lousy record is another.

The pre-emptive ‘you can’t stop writing about me’ segment is designed to say “Ha! See? You haters just won’t leave me alone! That’s because I’ve got it going on and you’re just jealous!” Thing is, people write about all manner of things they don’t like. In that respect, we feel like war correspondents, trudging through the corpse of pop on the frontline so you don’t have to.

And of course, this song is very, very zeitgeisty. It features the soon-to-be mandatory mention of twitter. This enables a popstar to feel like they’re talking about the major issues of the day… they’ve got their finger on the pulse… or, they’re using a social application hammered by millions and millions and is like crowing about breathing air.

And all this music is so horrible that a man appears in the video, in a lovely little product placing, with his headphones on. He can’t bear to listen to ‘Swagger Jagger’, so instead, listens to his own choice of music. You can’t blame him. This is an awful debut single. Rap for pre-schoolers that cynically ticks all the boxes of mentioning ‘haters’, ‘swag’, ‘money’ and all the trappings of the dullest RnB star.

And it is evident that Lloyd isn’t particularly thrilled with it all. There’s various shots throughout the Swagger Jagger video which shows a palpable discomfort in her face. Swagger Jagger is so poor, thanks to the dismal chorus, that it feels like someone’s done a hatchet job on her. Or, we as humans, have finally run out of songs.

Still, on with the video and there’s a brief moment when the word ‘SHOUTIN” reveals itself. There’s a flutter in your heart as you hope it unfurls itself to simply say the word ‘SHIT’.

No such luck though. To make matters worse, this irritant is now being played through a stereo that has transformed itself into an entire rig. There is no escape. Britain’s latest pop-hope will force you to listen to her wretched song. If the radio won’t play it, then she’ll create a transforming tape deck that will be louder than everything on Earth put together. Also – that’s what Soundwave from the Transformers is up to these days.

And the video closes with Cher’s nasty looking Nike boots walking off to obscurity… shame really. That first appearance on the X Factor was actually rather exciting. What went wrong?

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Will someone have a word with Rihanna please? She’s been really good fun to have around, making a buncha delightfully dumb pop records and generally being pleasing on the eye. The perfect modern pop star in many respects.

However, she’s in danger of becoming very, very tiring very, very quickly because she’s now set her sights on constantly trying to shock us all. It all reeks of trying too hard, which is strange because she’s already done the hard work and really doesn’t need to. It feels like she’s pushing the wrong envelope.

And her latest video is causing more tiring outrage and, instead of being a hoot, she’s going to have to defend herself after she killed a rapist in a promo video for her latest single, Man Down.

Several groups are predictably angered by the video and it the vaguely violent opening sequence. Basically, Rihanna guns someone down who appears to have raped her. Okay? Up to speed? Good.

Rihanna says of it all:

“We just wanted to hone in on a very serious matter that people are afraid to address, especially if you’ve been victimized in this scenario”

And because the video ticks all the right boxes and complied with network guidelines, it’ll continue to be shown. However, the depressing Parent Television Council are once again on-hand to berate the music video.

Melissa Henson, director of communications and public education for the Parents Television Council, says:

“Instead of telling victims they should seek help, Rihanna released a music video that gives retaliation in the form of premeditated murder the imprimatur of acceptability”

Paul Helmke, President of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, also condemned the video

“Pre-meditated murder is just as horrible and unacceptable as sexual assault, and we would hope that Rihanna and her music label would consider the potential impact of sending a message that violence should beget more violence.”

Will someone, anyone, involved in this dreary circus release a catchy pop record please?

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Anyone who saw Rihanna and Britney Spears’ performance of ‘S&M’ on the Billboard awards will surely agree that it was one of the most tedious examples of sexuality ever aired on television. Both singers vaguely gyrated in their bondage-lite gear while going through the motions.

It was roughly as sexy as a sock drawer. Sock fetishes need not apply to that analogy, although we do welcome readers to laugh at the world ‘anal’ in ‘analogy’ because we’re incredibly childish.

However, despite making millions limp, there’s a group of parents (aka ‘scumbags’) who are apoplectic with angry arousal at the whole thing. They’re furious that they should feel a twitch in their pants, despite not morally agreeing with what they saw on the stage.

That’s right – some stupid parents group have lambasted Britney Spears and Rihanna’s barely-risque performance a “profanity-laced sex show”.

On paper, a show that features two young women pole-dancing in leather bodices with their hands clamped with handcuffs, sounds kinda raunchy… however, the spectacle itself was more akin to two confused pensioners in a sex shop, trembling with Parkinson’s Disease.

Not that this concerns the Parents Television Council (PTC) who are doing their utmost to make people go on YouTube and watch the performance again, just to see how disgusting it all was.

A statement from PTC President Tim Winter reads:

“The song title alone reeks of the adult entertainment industry and last night’s performance wasn’t far from it. What happened in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas, as the saying goes. It certainly has no place at 8pm on the publicly-owned broadcast airwaves.

“I cannot imagine what would possibly lead the ABC television network to air a profanity-laced, S&M sex show on primetime broadcast television.

“The overtly sexualized performance by Rihanna and Britney Spears was no accident or mishap, but a deliberate effort to target teens with images and lyrics that that glamorize whips, chains and other sexual fetishes.”

Winter presumably bashed that out on his keyboard before running off to the lavatory for a cry-wank, shouting “FORGIVE ME MAMA! FORGIIIIVVVEE MEEEE” at the point of ejaculation. He probably mopped himself up, pulled up his lady’s stockings, admired them briefly in the mirror before concealing them once more under his slacks, before standing in the garden and indulging in flagellation, which is essentially bondage for religious types.

We’re making all this up of course, but you can just imagine what all that pent-up sexual tension can do to a man. That energy has to release itself one way or another.

Meanwhile, all the teens he’s so worried about briefly looked up from their computers with ten different tabs of porn opened, shrugged at the rendition of S&M and went back to blankly staring at naked humans with all the fervour of a colonel in a coma.

And yes, we advise you laugh at the word ‘colon’ in ‘colonel’ too.

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We’re not American, though plenty of people think we are. Notably, Americans. If you hadn’t noticed, America is very different to the UK. Our portion sizes are smaller, we don’t pointlessly wander around with firearms and we have a healthcare system that kind of works.

Despite being a nation that loves a good war, America doesn’t approve of naked flesh being shown on TV. From what we gather, American parents want their children to believe in the magic of Mickey Mouse and the tooth fairy until they turn forty.

Once again, American networks recoiled in horror as Rihanna and Britney Spears – two performers known for not being overly liberal, decided to have a friendly kiss at the country music awards, otherwise known as the Billboard Music Award Show.

It seems to be a reoccurring nightmare for broadcasters in America when dealing with live performances and artists who aren’t exactly prudish.

Rihanna recently told us all that she likes to indulge in S&M whilst Britney Spears has a glittering CV full of crazy, confusing and weird moments. Spears herself has already indulged in some faux lesbianism when she appeared at an MTV awards ceremony with Christina Aquilera and grandma in disguise, Madonna in 2003. The kiss might have been a brief peck on the lips, but this was enough to rally up all parental groups in America. All because they believed that their precious daughters would turn into raging lesbians and lock lips with anyone of the same gender who saw the three seconds of footage.

This initial incident feathers to fly across America with pressure on networks to be more careful on what content was broadcast during live shows. However, nothing could prepare us for what happened a year later when Janet Jackson made an appearance at the Super Bowl.

Supposedly, there was a “wardrobe malfunction” and this caused one of Janet Jacksons baps to be left on display. Fans of American Football probably loved seeing her boob, though this once again upset more people who presumably are afraid of looking at their own naked body. Perhaps they expected more from Janet Jackson, not just in terms of exposing herself but from what they saw. Maybe the nose of Michael Jackson covering her nipple? We’d have been impressed.

Risk free for a couple years, Americans could tuck into their cheeseburgers, knowing that evil things such as nudity and homosexuality were banned from TV. This was of course until the Billboard awards the other night. Like every other generic ceremony, the winners didn’t come as a surprise, but nobody realised that more rubbish lesbianism was about to unfold! During a revamped version of Rihanna’s S&M track, she and Britney Spears got millions of blokes excited by donning outfits that suited the songs title and ending it with a kiss. Americans would want us to believe it was a full on snog with tongues, but it was a smooch on the cheek.

That’s right. TV hastily looked away while someone pecked someone of the same sex on the cheek. It’s a good thing Americans don’t have to film in Europe where a peck on the cheek is as common as a handshake, or shows would be filled with little more than cutaway shots of nothing.

Proving that America is still a very hung-up nation, they were more than happy to show pop runt Justin Bieber giving girlfriend Selena Gomez a kiss when he won an award for being the best singing toddler. Something tells us that if he was called Justine Bieber, another crowd shot would have greeted viewers.

Silly America.

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Oooh! Look! Another video has premiered on the internet! And it looks expensive too! In the age of rampant illegal downloading, how on Earth can these poor record companies afford to spend so much on a promotional video of a song no-one will end up buying?!

Probably something to do with the fact that people actually do still buy records and the whole ‘illegal downloading’ thing doesn’t seem like much of an issue these days.

Anyway, the latest popstar to show off their expensive video is Katy Perry with her ET track which features humble rapper, Kanye West. And of course, we’d like to poke it with a stick like the rotting body of a Roswell finding.

As ever, before we kick off with the snarkiness and lazy reference points, we’d like to give you the chance to watch Katy Perry’s ‘ET’ video first.

You know how this works right?

Click the play button on the embedded video and then keep your eyes and ears open for as long as necessary and then try to remember what you’ve seen and create what is known as ‘a recent memory’. Okay? Good you watch the video, there’s a good sport.

And so, did you notice what we noticed?

First off, the video starts with all our dreams come true – Kanye West banished from Earth, cut adrift in space in some airless bubble surrounded by nothing more than his own lazy rhymes and staggering lack of flow. It is only a matter of time before Kanye becomes so thoroughly pleased with himself that he begins to eat his own torso and ceases to exist.

But wait! Kanye is being watched by an androgynous alien sort floating around his space bubble like some galactic detritus. The alien in question resembles mozzarella peering out of a tattered bin bag flapping from a tree-branch.

But look! It was Katy Perry all along! And, for the occasion, she’s dressed up as the lovechild of Queen Amidala from Star Wars and Michael Stipe! Better yet, she’s bought along her licorice necklace for us all to stare at. And licorice is the most disgusting food ever dreamt up.

Sadly for Russell Brand’s wife, she has a horrible allergic reaction to licorice which reveals itself in awful cataracts, clouding up her eyes so they go all milky like an old dog waiting to be given a lethal injection.

Of course, having heard about Britain’s NHS service, she floats to Earth to get some eye-treatment. The place in Britain with the worst eyesight, and thereby, the best doctors to treat such ailments, is Middlesbrough. Sadly for Perry, she wasn’t aware of the fact that Middlesbrough is a rancid, desolate industrial wasteland.

And it is here, in Middlesbrough, that Perry finds the now surplus-to-requirements robot who advertised about the Digital Switchover that was rolled out across Britain. Now we’re all digital, the little robot is left to die on the streets on the North East, spat at by roguish children with yellowed, nicotine stained fingers. Katy Perry is rather saddened by this, naturally.

The video then cuts away to two Middlesbrough natives, having sex nearby.

But no matter! Darnell from Big Brother has appeared on Boro (see?), ready to give Katy Perry a big ol’ kiss right on her face lips! What a guy!

And luckily for Perry, someone has left “Human Sunglasses” for Perry, as Darnell’s albino skin glares horribly in the dead sun of Middlesbrough.

Looking cool in her shades, faced with the most handsome man to ever grace the streets of the North East, Perry does what any woman would do and takes all her clothes to have intercourse in the streets, just like those simians from earlier! Alas, Perry has a secret – she’s got deer legs!

That’s nothing to worry about because, all along, Darnell from Big Brother wasn’t wearing any trousers anyway and, frankly, will take anything he can get. They walk off into the post-apocalyptic sun of the Teeside to rut like barnyard animals and drink 20/20 on a street corner. Awwww!

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Britney Spears, when she gets her finger out, is a fine fine fine pop star. Sadly, she’d had a clutch of tracks in recent years which haven’t quite hit the spot.

That said, she averages around one great single per album (sometimes more, granted) which left us wondering if this new long-player of hers, Femme Fatale, was going to be a bit of a damp squib.

Would You Hold It Against Me was something of a let down, despite seemingly having all the correct components to be a decent record. The video was pretty lame too. However, her next single, Til The End Of The World has been leaked and it sounds like a corker!

Britney always falls flat when she’s toying with a theme. When Spears reaches for something artistic or relevant, she can often pull up short in comparison with other artists who are more adept at toying with the zeitgeist.

However, Britney has gone and made a splendidly dumb pop record that requires you to do nothing more than dance like an idiot to it. It has echoes of Kelis’ wonderful ‘Acapella’.

Til The End Of The World has been leaked (or ‘leaked’ if you prefer) and it looks like she might just have a club MDMA hit on her hands.

Spears took to Twitter to say that there’ll be a “formal premiere” of the track on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on Friday.

Femme Fatale meanwhile goes on sale March 29th. We can only wait and see if there’s still a public appetite for Britney (we’re guessing that there is).

Spears has said of the track:

“I think ‘Femme Fatale’ speaks for itself … I wanted to make a fierce dance record where each song makes you want to get up and move”

Got any pills?

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