Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
This week on ‘Feuds You Didn’t Know Were Happening’, Kelly Osbourne calls out Lady Gaga for being a ‘great big hypocrite’.?
Kelly covers the latest issue of Cosmo – which by now has surely run out of ways to say they feature sex tips – and has decided to drag up a feud that everybody else lost interest in a long time ago. Presumably, this is because the ‘career’ section of the interview didn’t last very long, and Kelly’s been skinny too long for it to actually be a note-worthy story anymore.?
As well you know, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have around 3,000 children thanks to their penchant for plundering impoverished countries and adopting like they’re Joseph Kony or something.?
Of course, Brangelina don’t make their children fight or anything like that, but there’s clearly a problem with having such a large brood.
One of the children,?Pax Jolie-Pitt (no, us neither) was most animated this weekend when the family went out to eat the mysterious meal called ‘brunch’ in the French Quarter of New Orleans.
One of the celebrity’s greatest fears is the cunning, cold-hearted assassin. Those who kill for money or for a cause. They kill without remorse and without feeling, leaving the families and friends of their victims devastated. The mark of a great assassin is their ability to kill without getting caught.
So what if we told you that there was a group of people out there, numbering in the thousands who are poised and waiting with their fingers on triggers and their breath held. Waiting for the shot. We’re not talking about Mossad or the CIA here; we’re talking One Direction fans.
With the adolescent purveyors of pop currently ‘cracking’ America, their fans are on the look out for high value targets.
The real winner at the weekend’s Oscars wasn’t that silent movie or Margaret Thatcher winning Best Monster, but rather, Angelina Jolie’s various and assembled body parts. It appears that the Academy Awards were so boring, we need to talk about a leg.
That’s what happens when Jennifer Lopez cruelly denies us a nipple-slip, the selfish cow.
So what in particular won our attention regarding Jolie? Well, her leg. Just her right leg, which has caused so much fuss that we assume is severed itself from her body and rampaged around the awards with a mind of its own, presumable getting off with other missing body parts like the arm from the drummer of Def Leppard and Tommy Iommi’s fingertips. This left Angelina so thin, it was borderline offensive.
When they’re not taking babies from Africa or flaunting their vast wealth while pretending to care about the Middle East, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are actually reasonably good-looking actors.?
No, honestly they are. They may not have done anything of note for a while, but they are card-carrying thespians away from their holier-than-thou lives.
Troublingly,?Jolie is threatening to make another movie with Pitt… when they’ve finished talking about their 40,000 children and how they’re too cool to get married. You’ve all seen Mr & Mrs Smith right? This is not good news.
There’s nothing like feeling like a martyr if you’re a pampered, spoiled Hollywood star like Angelina Jolie. It gives her the edge she so clearly craves. She’s not vanilla like that Jennifer Aniston that her partner Brad Pitt used to hump.
And so, you can imagine that she’s probably thrilled to bits with the worry of death threats.
Now, these aren’t your common or garden death threats from mental fans. These are from people who have lived through wars and atrocities. Proper death threats then! QUICK! Get Jolie in your Death Sweepstake!
Justin Bieber talks directly to God. Justin Bieber also thinks that “rape happens for a reason” as well. That invariably means we shouldn’t trust a vowel that dribbles out of that tiny week-old mouth of his.
He’s Canadian too. They’re all like Americans without the whole ‘inventing rock ‘n’ roll’ thing.
Anyway, Justin Bieber likes talking to the ether and pretending that God talks back to him. Presumably God advised that Bieber got a tattoo on his leg of Jesus. Sadly, God didn’t tell him to go to a decent tattoo parlour and JB is left with an image of what appears to be the lead singer of Nickelback on his calf.
If there’s one thing worse than a bad thing happening to a celebrity, it’s a bad thing happening to a non-celebrity that is in some way related to a celebrity. Take for example, the dreadful news that Justin Bieber’s grandparents are nearly dead.
You’ll be forgiven for thinking ‘all grandparents are nearly dead’, but you must remember that Bieber is a matter of hours old. So young is JB that his grandparents could justifiably be 23 years old or something.
No. They’re nearly dead because they’ve been in a car crash. This can only mean one thing…
Spare a thought for Justin Bieber this Christmas won't you? It's not because he's can't reach high shelves and get to his presents early. Instead, he's still got mentalist stalker Mariah Yeater claiming that he leaked some sperm inside of her and created a baby.
Instead of this matter being kept private due to its libel claim, it's great to know that Mariah Yeater has become something of a minor celebrity out of the whole ordeal. With various magazine and TV interviews, the money Yeater received will probably be used to pay damages towards Bieber when the negative result comes back on the DNA test.
Even though there are more holes in Mariah Yeater?s story than a blind cowboy, she's back again to protest how she's the innocent victim in all of this. Tristyn , the stupidly named child in question will be able to tell all its classmates in the future that he has a mentalist for a mother. We should say ‘allegedly’ now. Allegedly at absolutely everything.
Hey! Justin Bieber fans! Beliebers! Are you looking forward to Christmas? Are you? Have you been good this year? Are you hoping Father Christmas brings you Justin’s Christmas album to you on Christmas Day?
He won’t. He definitely won’t. Not a rat-in-an-arse’s chance kiddo!
That’s because Santa isn’t real. Yep. Big shock to us too. Who spoiled every Christmas, forever? Why, if it isn’t Bieber himself, who wants us all to know that the Yuletide period is one long sham. How appalling. Apparently, it’s all his stupid mother’s fault.
