Nobody Blows Paul McCartney Up In Israel, Not Even Once Ha! Eat that, terrorists! It's 2-0 to Paul McCartney - first for that godawful Freedom song he did and secondly for not getting blown up last night. Despite the all the threats against his life, Paul McCartney and his 5,000 bodyguards finally played their long-awaited peace concert in Israel last night, with no disruption whatsoever from fanatical snipers or would-be suicide bombers or whatnot. Paul McCartney lives to fight another day! Of course, Paul McCartney's masterstroke was to address both sides of the Middle East conflict in their own language right at the start of the concert. First McCartney opened with "Shalom, Tel Aviv, shana tova, ahlan!" giving the crowd the traditional Hebrew greeting ahead of Monday's Rosh Hashanah celebrations. Then he added "Ramadan kareem" which, as we all know, is Arabic for "Not the face! Not the face!"

Paul McCartney Hires Every Single Bodyguard In The Universe Paul McCartney has often fanned the flames of hatred in the Middle East - after all, what is Silly Love Songs if not a vitriolic tirade against Islam? And because of this, Paul McCartney's concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances - which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That's even more that George Bush needed. The message of this is clear - although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney's got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won't be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.

Paul McCartney Tells Islam To Stick Its Death Threats Up Its Bum Paul McCartney's concert in Israel next week could be his last - and not because he'll soil himself getting to the high note in Hey Jude and retire out of shame. No, instead, the concert in Israel could be Paul McCartney's last because a gang of Islamic extremists are running around telling everyone that they're going to kill him if he follows through with his plan to play there. However, Paul McCartney has shown admirable strength of character by refusing to bow to these religious fanatics. In fact, if anything this death threat has just strengthened Paul McCartney's resolve - not only will he play the concert in Israel, but he's even going to turn it into a live album, entitled Paul McCartney Live Behind Six Inches Of Reinforced Plexiglass Inside A Sealed Lead Box Surrounded By Several Bodyguards And At Least A Couple Of Tanks.

People Genuinely Want To Kill Sacked Apprentice Posho

For all the talk of enterprise and skill-sets, it's no secret that people only watch The Apprentice because all the contestants are awful, awful tosspots.

And this year the level of Apprentice awfulness seems to be higher than ever. So awful, in fact, that the first Apprentice reject Nicholas De Lacy-Brown claims to have received death threats from angry viewers.

Now, while we only have Nicholas De Lacy-Brown's word on this - and the man honestly seems like such a bimbling twat that he'd molest his own granny if it got him some headlines - we can't help but wish it was true. After all, if you're going to send death threats to someone, what better reason is there than because they briefly underestimated the wholesale price of lobster? We hear that that's how Salman Rushdie got his fatwa, too.