Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent.
Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate ability to point out things that are usually seen as too mundane to mention while dancing around the stage like a human spinning-top, pepped up on a cocktail of cocaine and speed. This seemed, to Simon Cowell at least, enough talent to secure him a place on the judging panel. However, it seems that he’s too nice to keep it.
What of David Hasselhoff? He’s big in Germany for his warbling singing voice, while he is best-known in this country for playing the role of the drunk, strung-out father in 80s’ TV classic Knight Rider. What will become of him and his perma-tan?
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Once upon a time, people would drink in pubs where there weren’t fruit machines, cigarette dispensers and jukeboxes. In-between slurping pints of ale, people brought round battered guitars and embraced the now disappearing art of simply playing a tune whilst everyone else had a sing song, even if they were rubbish.
Now this format has been taken on to mass scale where people openly and happily flaunt their singing abilities in front of a panel of supposed experts and a pack of baying audience members.
The majority are appalling and no amount of insults will pop the egotistical shield they hide behind. At times, sparks of genius such as horse faced Leona Lewis and human gargoyle Susan Boyle proved otherwise. However, one starlet appeared this year called Gamu – a young woman with a remarkable voice. Sadly she is now less known for her talent and instead used as a guide for UK immigration laws. Rock ‘n’ roll.
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What we like most about the new administration doesn’t have to do with change, but that our 20-year-old petition for a Lando Calrissian Star Wars spin-off may finally get some White House backing.
Seriously, our script has been yellowing in our closet. Lucas doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it – he must be racist. Why else would he refuse our package at the door? Over 100 times?
Speaking of overly long hand-crafted literature that nobody except George Lucas should have to read – Britney Spears has just agreed to write her autobiography. Sorry, up to five autobiographies.
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Thank heavens Marvel started making its own movies – without it we’d have never known what Edward Norton would be like in a crappy Incredible Hulk flick.
And because Marvel has been so brilliant at churning out one successful movie that everybody likes and one mediocre movie that everyone instantly forgets about a nanosecond after leaving the cinema, that can only mean one thing. More Marvel movies!
Paramount has just signed a deal to globally release the next five Marvel films. Since that includes Thor and Captain America, Paramount probably thinks it’s got a pretty sweet deal going on. But it should have read the contract in more detail – the other three movies are about Dazzler, 8-Ball and an utterly pointless shot-for-shot remake of Daredevil, this time with all the characters played by Ben Affleck. Eat it, Paramount!
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If Jay-Z really is getting married to Beyonce soon, there'd better be an open bar at the reception – it's not like he can't afford it.
Following similar deals with Madonna and The Rollings Stones, Live Nation has signed up Jay-Z. And if you were wondering what price you'd get a past-his-best, commercially-stagnating rapper for these days, the answer is clear $150 million.
$150 million might sound like a lot for Live Nation to pay for Jay-Z, but don't forget that these Live Nation contracts don't just involve recordings – it'll have a slice of everything from Jay-Z's concert tickets to merchandise sales to 'entrepreneurial concepts' as well. Plus on Christmas Eve and the Queen's birthday one lucky Live Nation executive gets to briefly look at Beyonce's knickers. Money well spent, we're sure.
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Today is a momentous day – it's the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.
Well, OK, maybe not forever – we're pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she's not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she's been awarded – but for a bit at least.
How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.
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Not so long ago, Busta Rhymes was alleged to have duffed up so many poor suckers that we thought he'd easily wind up in jail.
However, Busta Rhymes isn't going to jail at all. Earlier today, Busta Rhymes copped to a plea deal that means he'll have to do 10 days of community service for attacking an employee and a fan instead of the full one year jail stretch.
But ha! The joke's on you, Busta Rhymes – sure, you might have thought that 10 days of community service is the easy option, but as a celebrity if you'd have settled for jail you'd have only actually been locked up for 23 minutes and a lovely cup of tea. Nice one, durr-brain.
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X Factor ended less than a month ago but, like a child trying to cope with a disturbing period of abuse, we've already blocked it out emotionally.
As such, we can't remember a single thing about last year's X Factor – we seem to recall that it was won by a plank of balsa wood dressed as Frank Sinatra that couldn't stop crying, but that's about it. Anyway, apparently someone from X Factor called Rhydian Roberts has just signed a million-pound record deal.
Wait, no, it's all coming back. Make it stop! Lord, make it stop! Mother! The pain!
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