You know Robert Pattinson? Allergic to vaginas and a face which conveys about as much emotion as a cement-mixer? Yeah, that guy. Well, if you’re a woman and you’re thinking you might be able to convince him that not all minges are abhorrent things, think again. That’s because he’s probably going deaf.

Those daydreams you’ve had about dangling your leg over the side of a small rowing boat on a summer’s day, glass of champagne in one hand and a strawberry in the other, whispering sweet nothings into the ear of the world’s favourite vampire are nothing but dead skin, shaved off a very pointless cracked heel.

You see, as it stands, Pattinson’s ears are about as much use as a welding mask made out of beef dripping and, because you idiots insist on screaming at him every single bloody time you see him, his ear deteriorate a little bit more, leaving him so profoundly deaf that, eventually, he’ll end up talking like Charlie Brown’s school teacher.

Yep.

That’s your fault, you blood-curdling, wailing, hysterical fan.

Pattinson told the Sun:

“I’m almost completely deaf anyway. So I’m worried. I’m very worried.”

At the UK premier Remember Me last week, poor old sensitive Robbie Rob Rob had a whole media circus to contend with and your howling the avenue down like you’d just been dropped into a vat of salt after being freshly skinned didn’t help him, leaving him cowering in a car like a frightened dog, with the windows up.

“I never really know what to do with myself before a première. I just kind of freak out in the car on the way and then kind of remain in a bit of a daze.”

You’re not even listening are you. You’re probably screaming at the picture embedded in this article. You’ve probably left comments on articles about Robert Pattinson as if he wrote them. The comment you left probably looked like this:

‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAHRGH! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! OH MY GOD! AAARGH! I LOVE YOU ROBERT! ROOOOOBERT! I LOOOOOOVE YOU!’

‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! LOOK AT MY VAGINA! IT GLISTENS FOR YOU ROBERT! ROOOOBERT!”

And for every pained howl of your heart, Robert Pattinson goes a little bit deafer. You must be thrilled with yourselves. Y’fuckin’ weirdos.

Start building him an ear trumpet the first chance you get.

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It must be awful being deaf in jail – if ever a yell of "Jailbreak!" went up, you'd just carry on sewing mailbags oblivious to all the fun.

And that's what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.

And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We'd like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown's hair-pulling range.

When celebrities get put in jail, quite often they're released again after a couple of hours. But that's only because celebrities tend to break the law in silly harmless ways like violating their probation or driving into oncoming motorway traffic on drugs. But Foxy Brown didn't do any of that fun stuff, much to her detriment.

What illegal stuff Foxy Brown did do, in fact, was so numerous that we can't even be bothered to list it all here. Needless to say, beauticians have been kicked and that woman's still pulling number-pads out of her face. And that's why Foxy Brown was saddled with a one-year jail term in September. 

And what a slog it's been so far – first Foxy Brown was locked up in solitary and now she's not even allowed to hear stuff. Apparently the on/off deafness that Foxy Brown sometimes experiences has flipped itself to 'on' and Foxy Brown claims that she needs an important trip to California to save her hearing forever.

Sadly, though, the judge don't care for that ho-skank's ears much, as E! Online reports:

A New York judge has denied the rapper's request for a premature end to her yearlong jail stint in order to travel to California for an ear examination and possible repair of a troublesome cochlear implant. Attorney Laura Dilimetin argued that Brown, who first made public her hearing issues during a 2004 court date, required the services of specialists at the Los Angeles House Clinic, the center where she received her initial treatment for the sudden hearing loss. Prosecutors, however, said the "Chyna Doll" artist could just as easily make do with more localized medical services and called the request, which included a four-page letter penned by a "terrified" Brown, a "desperate and frivolous petition."

Yeah, stick that Foxy Brown! You'll have to make do with those dirty-fingered New York ear doctors who use hotdogs instead of medical instruments! That's good enough, surely – it's either that or you spend the rest of your life listening to an upsetting and unpleasant atonal squeal that makes you want to vomit.

Unless you decide to turn your new album off, that is.

Read more:

Foxy Gives Judge Earful, Gets Denied - E! Online