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Bill Paxton Has Passed Away

February 26th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

I hate to hit your Sunday funday with a major bummer, but famed actor Bill Paxton has died at the age of 61 due to complication from heart surgery. Apparently he suffered from a stroke not long after his surgery passed away.

You probably know Bill from such mega hits as Titanic, Aliens, and Twister. Or, if you’re like me, you know him as the evil big brother from Weird Science, a movie that spawned the mediocre 90s television show that I’m pretty sure only I watched starring Vanessa Angel. Yeah, I’m getting a bit off topic here…

Bobby Brown Shocks Everyone By Getting Arrested Again

March 27th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

After telling everyone that he slept in his car, nearly bankrupting himself to get Whitney Houston into rehab, everyone briefly thought that they had Bobby Brown all wrong. Maybe he’s a nice guy and not the ghoul he’s been painted as?

But then you remember the trouble he’s caused all by himself. Candy Girl being one such unforgiveable example.

So now, we revert to type, with the LAPD saying that Bobby has been arrested for being absolutely ripped to his tits by the wheel of a car. ‘DUI’ if you’re American. ‘Drink driving’ if you live in England. ‘Stop being so soft, he’s fine’ if you’re Scottish.

The Libertines Weren’t Just “Drug Taking Idiots” – They Were Tuneless Simpletons As Well

March 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

The bloke who used to be the drummer in The Libertines (no-one cares what his name is) is hoping that a new Libertines film called There Are No Innocent Bystanders will allow people see the band in a different light.

Of course, any right minded person will find out when the screenings are for this film and do us all a massive favour and burn down the screens and everyone in there, who have decided to watch this document of the world’s biggest?syphilitic nincompoops.

If there’s one thing worse than Pete Doherty & Co, its the awful, awful, awful fans.

Celine Dion: Regrettably Not Dead Yet

March 16th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Even though Celine Dion hasn’t done anything of note in the public eye for some time now, it doesn’t stop you from feeling her evil presence on the wind, does it? It’s malignant and just… there.

And so, a collective weight was lifted from the shoulders of the world when it was announced that the tepid belter was dead.

Alas,?Celine Dion is just the latest celebrity to be killed off by a rumour. As well you know, bullets, illness, drugs, murder, knives and wild bear attacks are much better at killing unwanted celebrities, rather than mere rumours.

Whitney Houston’s Daughter Is ‘Incestuous’ With Her Brother

March 15th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

There was always going to be something of a media circus after Whitney Houston died. All eyes were on Bobby Brown because… well… he’s barking mad and volatile. He was odds-on to be the biggest, most public wreck of them all.

Along came Bobbi Kristina, Whitney and Bobby’s daughter to completely knock all other lunacy out of the park.

See, it appears she’s been getting off with her brother. No-one saw incest coming along in this script, did they?

Tila Tequila In Suicide Scare (Although, We Expect Our Celebs To Actually Die These Days)

March 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Tila Tequila (she’s a model and has been on TV y’berk) isn’t a well human. She’s agreed to enter a?rehab for substance abuse, not to mention getting some treatment for psychological issues. Basically, she tried to kill herself.

Killing yourself is pretty lousy, huh?

However, these days, we’re not too bothered when people nearly kill themselves and, in fact, getting annoyed and call them attention-seekers. In fact, we expect them to end their own lives these days. Loads of celebrities have died before their time. Super famous ones too. Why should Tila Tequila be any different?

Did Whitney Houston Have A Weird Affair With Weird Jermaine Jackson? (Includes Corpses)

March 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Okay, now that Whitney Houston is dead, we can say all manner of things about her private life because she’s not around to refute accusations. Naturally, we can tag other celebrities into the gossip because they’re needy for attention.

And so, what’s all this about Whitney (dead, unable to defend herself) and Jermaine Jackson (desperate to reflect in the glory of another gigantically huge superstar corpse, again) having an affair?

That’s the story swirling around at the minute and, better yet, it will annoy Berry Gordy, founder of Motown Records. And Bobby Brown lives in a constant state of irritation so nothing will change there.

Whitney Houston: Now A Front Cover Pin-Up Corpse! (Or: Look At The Picture We’ve Got Of Dead Whitney)

February 24th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

There’s nothing like a cadaver on the front cover of a magazine to really put a spring in your step, right? And the National Enquirer have done us all proud by showing Whitney Houston’s corpse on the face of their magazine!

Of course, this has caused outrage from various media outlets who absolutely didn’t publish Saddam Hussein’s dead body in their publications. It has caused a kerfuffle amongst those who definitely didn’t show the dead bodies of Colonel Gadaffi and Osama Bin Laden.

Or Elvis Presley. Or Marilyn Monroe. Or JFK. Or John Lennon. Or Kurt Cobain. Or the jumpers of the 9/11 tragedy. Or a picture of the bath in which Whitney died.

Channel 5 Gleefully Urinate On Whitney Houston’s Freshly Filled Grave

February 20th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

No doubt we’ll be getting a lot of angry letters about that headline.? So we’ll ask you to read it again.? Channel 5.? Not us.? All members of hecklerspray are perfectly potty trained and respectful of burial rights.

Alas, someone at Britain’s 5 most popular bog standard telly channel let slip a bit of ‘oopsie’ in the form of two very badly matched adverts.? It could be a truly tragic error, or it could be the work of a moustache twirling baddie switching tapes around before tying young women to railway tracks.

Whatever, you’ll probably blame it all on us anyway.

Breaking News: Whitney Houston Is Definitely Still Dead

February 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

The news has been breaking steadily all week and now, in possibly the last piece of breaking breaking news, Whitney Houston is unequivocally dead. We dug her up from her grave in New Jersey and she looked absolutely, definitely dead.

Of course, many of you will have seen the performances of the stars at her televised funeral over the weekend which lasted roughly 30 hours. Alicia Keys was on hand to grunt down a mic and show a bit of her bra off, which was nice.

But alas, Whitney Houston remained as dead as she was when she died in the bathtub last week. No matter how many stories appear in the press, Whitney Houston only gets deader.