School children get six weeks off every year from school so they can generally sleep in all day and annoy the neighbours with their awful music. Channel 4 executives used to have it easy in the summer as night time due to Big Brother constantly pestering us all. TV during the summer consisted of nothing more than watching a group of people in a house and trying to work out how to cut an onion without crying. We were doing the same, but to our main arteries.

The first couple of series of Big Brother were pitched as experiments in order to see how people reacted in claustrophobic situations. As later series progressed, we got to see a woman shove a bottle up her love tunnel.

Channel 4 ditched the show in 2010 to inevitably bring back an updated version of Eurotrash. But this loss is a gain for Channel 5 who look set to bring the show back in the summer.

With Big Brother being removed from the Channel 4 schedule it means that they now have to broadcast programming that people over the mental age of fifteen want to watch. We hope that endless cookery specials won’t be broadcast that consist of Gordan Ramsay swearing at a slab of bacon until it cooks itself, or Jamie Oliver crying in a corner because he’s so bloody worthy.

Strangely enough, the buying of Big Brother has a strange echo of the current climate that faces most Premiership football clubs, bought by people with other business interests. Big Brother and The Daily Star newspaper are now part of the Richard Desomond empire, he’s a bloke who’ll use it as a personal play thing amongst other accessories that are involved with Endemol – the production company who make Big Brother.

The Daily Star newspaper isn’t really known for reporting news, instead more trivial matters are dedicated towards reality TV and who’s flashing their knickers when exiting a taxi. Therefore, we expect the newspaper to dedicate nothing but exclusives to the programme, easily attracting people more people hurriedly reading the story in the paper shop.

Already, The Daily Star Sunday are reporting of a celebrity based summer special where we’ll get to realise that the famous person we thought had died, hadn’t, and is simply down on their luck when it comes to finding work. Here are just some of the fantasy names that are being thrown being around when in reality; it’ll just be the dog that played Wellard in Eastenders:

“Top of the wanted list” for Channel 5′s Celebrity Big Brother was Mohamed al-Fayed, while “a big money offer” would be made to troubled US actor Charlie Sheen, with female targets including Amy Childs from The Only Way is Essex and Prince Harry’s “on-off girlfriend” Chelsy Davy.”

With the Charlie Sheen tour not proving to be the source of entertainment that many idiots thought it would be, getting him enclosed in a garish house could be a source of comedy. If the two ladies rumoured to be in the show featured, Charlie Sheen could set himself his own personal task of trying to add them to his tally of goddesses or whatever the hell he refers to them as.

At least narrator Marcus Bentley will get himself some work this summer cause countless members of the people to do poor impressions of the North-East accent.

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Once you boil it down, scrape away the gloss and remove the publicity and hype, Big Brother is nothing more than a glamorised version of prison. For a set period of time individuals are locked in to a room that feels like the size of a cupboard and are left to their own devices to entertain themselves before boredom kicks in.

Somehow, we don’t think collaborating prisoners with people on a reality show would work.
People who commit murder and other grisly acts are cast in to a secure unit where they can’t bother anyone ever again.

Strangely, there are some individuals that want to have this happen to them, all in the name of entertainment. Who can forget the tasteful moment of Kinga shoving a wine bottle up herself? John Logie Baird will have been glad his invention brought that image to millions of viewers. Despite Channel 4 letting go of their sinister summer show, Channel 5 are looking to give it a quick resurrection. Presumably so they can broadcast at least one show where they get over half a million viewers.

In the beginning, Big Brother wasn’t all about twelve people desperately baying for attention like young piglets fighting for their mother’s attention so they wouldn’t be disowned by the rest of the pack. Instead, the first couple of series were dubbed “social experiments” where viewers got to see the delightful consequence of watching strangers forced in to bizarre and often confrontational circumstances.

All because of a cash prize.

Basically, all we learnt that people can be fickle creatures who’ll go to any extent for a poxy TV show even if it means screwing everybody else over. Come the third series of the reality show and people auditioning for Big Brother weren’t interested in human psychology. Oh no, it was all about grabbing fame by the balls and waiting for fortune to spunk all over their faces.

Think about it, simply spending a few weeks in a house full of idiots could mean lucrative magazine deals and those involved in forged relationships could even bag a reality show.

Every year, the same sort of personalities emerged. They’d always be a girl who’d appear cute and innocent, but she’d actually have the intelligence of a millipede. Asking questions such as “what continent are we in?” and “does money grow on trees?” she’d be a source of some amusement before stating something utterly dim-witted about a Swastika looking like a funky brooch to pin on to a Topshop jumpsuit.

Elsewhere, we’d always have someone who’d like to “keep things real, honest and confront anyone who gets up in his shit.” Or, in other words, rude as shit.

If the programme was to be brought back kicking and screaming, it’s unsure if host Davina McCall would still be presenting. Some would say it would be a step backwards for her. However we argue that she currently points at fat people and tells them to lose weight. At least on Big Brother you got a range of characters from the egotistical to deluded.

As per normal, nobody can give the green light, with only an anonymous source telling Now Magazine:

“Talks started last year,’ says a Channel 5 insider. They didn’t get anywhere initially, but both sides kept in touch and discussions are most definitely back on again. The deal hasn’t been signed yet but top people are talking to each other. Watch this space.”

Fingers crossed that if the show goes ahead, we’ll be asked along and as part of a challenge and contestants will have to see how much abuse they can take as we scream at them through a megaphone.

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People look at Davina McCall and get irritated by her because she’s squeakily enthusiastic all the time. She’s so bloody clean-cut isn’t she? Right? Wrong. Fact is, before Davina appear on our TV sets, she was something of a mental.

That’s right. She went out with Eric Clapton and between them, they took enough drugs to get the whole of the Outer Hebrides mashed for a month.

Now and again, her drugs past rears its ugly, pus-filled head which has left the former Big Brother presenter nervously chuckling at her children and wondering what to tell them.

And so the time came to sit down and have a chat.

So when Davina’s 8 year old daughter asked her mummy what heroin was like, Ms McCall chirruped about how fantastic it was.

Not surprisingly really… it’s obvious that heroin is pretty good because people continually take it, despite the fact that most that have a dalliance with it end up looking like puke stained light-bulbs before shrugging off their mortal coil, leaving behind a corpse so thin that you can cremate it with a sparkler.

The presenter said that she wanted to be honest with her children when it comes to difficult subjects.

She explained in an interview with Easy Living:

“Recently, because of something on Radio 1, we had to have a drugs conversation.

“Holly asked me, ‘What do they feel like?’ If I told her that heroin didn’t feel nice and then she tried it and it did, she’ll think, ‘Mum was lying’.

“But if I say, ‘Heroin is so fantastic you’ll want to take it again, then you’ll get addicted, which is horrible’, that’s honest and more frightening.”

She added:

“If you have an open relationship with your children, those really massive conversations, drugs, sex, alcohol, happen naturally.”

So presumably, Davina will be giving her kids tips on how to give blow-jobs to ageing rock-stars or which bits of London tend to deal the purest cocaine?

Probably not. Unless, of course, she advises that her child works in media, in which case, both of these tips will prove to be incredibly useful indeed.

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We’ve finally reached the end of our interminable search to find Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

What does that mean? It means that in a few weeks’ time, one of the contenders who we’ve profiled will definitely become the new host of This Morning. Unless someone else does. Or Philip Schofield decides to go it alone. Or the entire ITV building topples over and falls into the river. Either way, it won’t affect your life in the slightest so it doesn’t really matter.

Here, then, is the This Morning rundown for Davina McCall…

Davina McCall – Davina McCall is, without a shadow of a doubt, the far and away favourite to end up co-hosting This Morning with Philip Schofield. And the timing couldn’t be better – Big Brother is due to stutter to a close in the next year or so, and when it’s gone that’d just leave Davina with berserk, schizophrenic hair adverts to tide her over. Plus, one of Davina McCall’s first presenting jobs was on This Morning, so in a way it’d be like she was coming home. You know, like a salmon returning home. Right before it dies. The only thing that possibly stands between Davina McCall and the This Morning job is the sensation that watching a woman shout ill-judged questions at startled idiots first thing in the morning might be a bit of a turn-off, no matter how hard Jeremy Kyle has worked to prepare viewers for that beforehand.

Tomorrow: BIG BROTHER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

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To all intents and purposes, Davina McCall is Big Brother – she’s the friendly face who only has to shout a lot and ask breathtakingly awful exit interview questions.

So if Davina McCall ever left Big Brother, the show would obviously fall to pieces. Well, either that or Alexa Chung would instantly start presenting it and nobody would really notice the difference. One or the other.

Anyway, despite a whirlpool of rumours to the contrary, Davina McCall has publicly stated that this won’t be her last season of Big Brother. Which is good for Davina McCall, but you know what that means? It means that this won’t be the last season of Big Brother, either. In fact, it’ll probably go on forever. If you need us, we’ll be crying and drinking bleach in a corner somewhere.

Big Brother has been good for everyone who’s ever hosted it. Look at Dermot O’Leary – after presenting Big Brother’s Little Brother he’s now the host of X Factor, one of the biggest TV shows in the country. Then there’s Russell Brand – the host of Big Brother’s Big Mouth – who’s now a bona fide Hollywood star. And then there’s Davina McCall.

As the host of the main Big Brother show, Davina McCall has obviously enjoyed spoils far greater than anyone else – some hair dye adverts that require her to talk to her never-seen mother in the same chilling way that sociopaths talk to corpses that they’ve just stabbed to death.

OK, so maybe Davina McCall’s career hasn’t gone as well as she expected. Other than the hair dye ads, Davina McCall’s greatest achievement was her BBC1 chatshow – a chatshow that was quickly dropped when people staggeringly decided that they didn’t want to watch a 40-year-old shouting attention-seeking questions at Max Beesley for an hour – and an equally disastrous stint as a radio DJ.

But there’ll always be Big Brother. And although this year’s Big Brother was widely believed to be Davina McCall’s swansong, Davina has publicly stated that she’s going to keep presenting Big Brother forever. Well, either forever or until people get sick of it and they stop making it, probably within in the next couple of years. Whichever one comes first. The Press Association reports:

Davina McCall has slammed rumours she is quitting Big Brother. The TV presenter has hosted the reality TV show since it began eight years ago and it has been claimed this year’s series will be her last. Asked if the rumours were true, Davina said: “No. Bollocks! Am I allowed to say that? Good!”

In a way it’s reassuring to think that Davina McCall will keep presenting Big Brother until she’s a wizened old lady rolled out once a year to pull funny faces, shout telephone numbers and ask fame-seeking dicksplats not to swear. In another way the thought of it makes us feel all claustrophobic and panicky and slightly unwell, but we’ll just stick with the first one for the benefit of this article.

Besides, it’s wise for Davina to keep hosting Big Brother, because without it she’s only got those hair dye adverts and you know what they say – there’s always someone younger and prettier waiting to babble on about hair to the dispossessed voice of their dead mother that only they can hear.

Read more:

Davina rejects rumours over BB exit – PA