Tonight’s the big night! After approximately most of our entire life, this series of Big Brother will end tonight.

We jest – in all seriousness Big Brother has actually had one of the best years on record. But nobody cares, because hardly anyone watched it and it’s dying soon anyway so what’s the point? Huh? What’s the bloody point point of anything any more?

Anyway, which of the remaining Big Brother housemates will end up winning the prize money, releasing a fitness DVD and embarking on a disastrous pop career? Time to have one final look, we suppose…

David – What? Surely there’s some mistake here. Apparently David is the least likely to win Big Brother tonight. That doesn’t make much sense – are you all watching the same David as we are? The David who introduced himself to the public by bellowing “UP YER FLAPS!” like a sort of furious Nordic walrus? The David who can’t even mention Vivienne Westwood without drooling and figuratively slapping at his genitals? The same David who blunders around the Big Brother house with the exact same Napoleon Dynamite meets Your Nan expression on his face regardless of the situation? Really? You people are weird.

Charlie And Rodrigo – We’re lumping Charlie and Rodrigo together here, because a) neither of them are going to win and b) they’re like two sides of the same psychologically-traumatised coin. They love each other, but they hate each other. They fight, but they kiss. They pour water on one another, but they embark on terrifying 45-minute shriek-rants about it in the Big Brother diary room afterwards. We’d like to say that Charlie and Rodrigo bring out the worst in each other, but that simply isn’t true – because we can barely remember that Charlie even exists at the best of times, even when we’re staring at a photo of his face with his name written all over it.

Siavash – Oh Siavash, so near and yet so far. If only Noirin had decided to give you an emotional kicking three weeks later, you would have waltzed away with the Big Brother prize. But sadly she didn’t – she loved you, ditched you and now you’re forced to repeatedly mumble “Hey, let’s all walk out” to yourself every couple of minutes for entertainment. Where’s the old, fun Siavash? Actually, no, there never really was a fun Siavash, was there? Because, seriously, if you had a functioning personality then you wouldn’t resort to growing a beard that crap, would you?

Dogface – And so to Dogface, or Sophie, or whatever she’s called now. Dogface needs to win Big Brother the least, in fairness – her gigantic boobs have all but ensured that she’ll be a lad’s mag staple for years to come – and yet somehow it looks like she’s going to. We’re going to put a Dogface victory down to the fact that she’s the least objectionable housemate remaining on Big Brother – except for David, obviously, but you idiots obviously can’t see that. However, Dogface does seem to have an inkling that she might win Big Brother – she’s just dumped Kris, and if that isn’t a statement of wanting to keep all her OK! covershoot money for herself, we don’t know what is.

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There’s another Big Brother eviction tomorrow! We haven’t been counting, but we’re fairly sure this might be the thousandth one of the year.

But who cares, because tomorrow either Bea or Marcus or David will be evicted from the Big Brother house. And really it could be any of… oh, who are we kidding? It’ll be Bea, won’t it? By a mile. Bea’s going to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. She definitely will. Definitely.

But, hey, let’s play dumb and look at the chances of all three of them for the sake of tradition…

Marcus - Now that the Noirin debacle is firmly behind him, Marcus has emerged as something of a fan favourite. Actually we’re underselling this – Marcus has turned into a hero. He can’t be shifted from the Big Brother house. Not even the fact that Marcus feels compelled to fill every single moment of silence with awful directionless whistling delivered at such a punishing volume and frequency that it gives us vertigo can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. Not even footage of Marcus masturbating in front of other housemates can shift Marcus from the Big Brother house. We sort of wish it would, though. Ugh.

David – No no no no no no. You absolutely must not vote David out of the Big Brother house tomorrow. He’s the best. Imagine if you shaved a bear, gave it a powerful knock on the head, dressed it up as a dickhead and then set it loose in the Big Brother house. No, actually don’t imagine it. You don’t need to. That’s exactly what David is. And we wouldn’t want him any other way. Well, maybe a bit cleverer. And better to look at. And most other things, come to think of it. We don’t really like David, to be honest. But if he wins Big Brother then Charlie won’t. And we like Charlie even less.

Bea – Right, let’s stop this charade immediately. If Bea isn’t evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, we’ll eat our hat. Then we’ll eat your hat. Then we’ll poo them out onto the top of our own head. That’s how certain we are of Bea’s eviction. It’s hard to tell if Bea’s constant neediness this week is the result of a meticulously crafted gameplan or the onset of mental illness, but whatever it is, it’s going down badly with the other housemates, with the viewing public and – following her weird teary outburst at her own mother this week – her own immediate family. Maybe Bea just misses Halfwit. No, no that can’t be it. Nobody has ever missed Halfwit for the duration of his entire life, even ironically.

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On Friday’s Big Brother, the impossible happened – the previously invincible Freddie was evicted.

Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who’ve caught our eye this week – Bea, Lisa and David…

Bea – Bea is undoubtedly the Big Brother housemate who’ll notice Freddie’s absence the most. This is because she’ll be aware that she isn’t constantly being trailed by a screaming raw nerve with red eyes who appears to have learnt how to emotionally respond to various scenarios by watching a mixture of American soap operas and real-life footage of physical torture. So without Freddie around, what will Bea do? Simple – she’s going to hit on Siavash. And then, once he gives into his advances, she’ll spurn him and he’ll cry. It’s good to have a routine to keep to, isn’t it?

Lisa – Another week in the Big Brother house, another eviction that Lisa bewilderingly hasn’t been anywhere near. And for the life of us we can’t understand this. All of the other Big Brother housemates seem certain that Lisa has a gameplan – even though as far as we can see that gameplan appears to involve little more than chainsmoking and speaking with the voice of your dead grandfather – but they never nominate her for eviction. In a sense this is ridiculous. But maybe it’s deliberate – if Lisa isn’t evicted until the final, the sum total of publicity she’ll receive is one truncated post-eviction interview and nothing else. Very clever, other Big Brother housemates. Very clever indeed.

David - Look, we don’t ask much of you people. But can you please let David win Big Brother? We’d be ever so grateful. It’s not so much that David deserves to win Big Brother – or even that he doesn’t deserve to win it least – but if David wins, then he’ll be more likely to get his own TV show. And we know exactly what we want that TV show to be – a half-hour programme called David Off Big Brother Talks About Things. It’d just be David in a room on his own with a small bag filled with bits of paper with various issues – homelessness, love, religion, that sort of thing – and at the start of each episode he’d pull out one piece of paper and talk about it for 30 minutes. What’d be good about it is that after 10 minutes or so David would run out of things to say, and then he’d just sit around looking confused for the remainder of the time. And maybe he’ll cry. It’d be excellent. MAKE IT SO, READERS!

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Yeah, well done Big Brother – this gimmick of bringing in the housemates’ partners is working a treat, isn’t it?

Remember when Karly’s boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what – Noirin’s boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don’t know what to say – other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa’s girlfriend in pronto.

But now Noirin’s gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – It’s not really a surprise that Marcus survived eviction last week – after all, he was up against Noirin, and even Pol Pot would probably have a pretty good chance of surviving eviction against her. But now that Noirin has gone, we might start to see signs of the Marcus we know and love again. You know, the one who grimly fixates on a woman and makes every second of her life an uncomfortable nightmare until she’s forced to tell him in no uncertain terms that she isn’t interested in him and he sulks about it for three weeks. Yeah, that’ll be fun. Bea, these next few weeks are going to be awful.

Charlie – Charlie is what people like to call a slow-burn housemate, which is a polite way of saying that he’s cripplingly boring and people only start to notice him after all the interesting housemates get evicted. And this is unfair, because in a true and just world, nobody would ever have to notice Charlie. Ever. Not even if he was the only housemate on Big Brother and he set himself on fire and spent 20 minutes running around in circles slapping at the flames and screaming. Why? Because Charlie’s life is an endless carousel that only involves him overstepping the line of decency and then looking mortified about it for an hour afterwards. He never learns from it either – as soon as he’s stopped being mortified it’s like his brain resets and he goes onto do the exact same thing all over again. Tiresome, Charlie. Tiresome.

David – Bear with us, because this one might take some explaining. We’re starting to think that David has a shot of winning Big Brother. No, no, come back – we have a valid reason for this wild and frankly deranged-sounding claim. Remember Brian Belo? Remember how he had absolutely no sense of social etiquette, constantly spoke in an overbearingly loud monotone and had a frightening preoccupation with cider? Substitute the word ‘cider’ for the words ‘Vivienne Westwood‘ and that’s a perfect description of David. And Brian Belo won Big Brother. So therefore, using the same logic, we can safely say that David is going to win Big Brother this year. And it’ll probably bring about the end of the world.

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Friday’s Big Brother was a rollercoaster – specifically a new type of rollercoaster that goes on forever and is comprised of all lows and no highs.

If you missed it, here’s what happened – first, five new housemates were brought in to liven things up, including Karly’s boyfriend. And then Karly was evicted about 30 seconds later. And then the new housemates were told they had to try and get two other housemates nominated or else they’d all be up for eviction. Or something. By that point Big Brother had been for for about seven hours and we were losing the will to live, frankly.

Anyway, let’s meet the new Big Brother housemates…

Kenneth – Kenneth is Karly’s boyfriend. But, more than that, Kenneth is also the sort of man who uses the word ‘playboy’ when asked for his official job description. This, is you needed it spelling out for you, makes Kenneth a cock. A total, punchable, self-satisfied Loadsamoney cock of the absolute highest order. Kenneth is the sort of person who has never watched pornography, but only because nobody has ever made a porno featuring one version of Kenneth giving another version of Kenneth a rimbob in horrifying close-up. Because that would be the only thing that ever got Kenneth off. Worse still, Kenneth seems to realise what a cock he is, and yet still goes out of his way to be even more cockish. We’re not fans.

Bea – You know PR girls who call themselves bohemian because they bought some beads from a department store once? That’s Bea. At least we think that’s Bea – her Big Brother intro tape showed her smacking a tambourine about and bragging about orgies, so maybe she is genuinely a bohemian. So which is it – is Bea one of those horrible barefoot arseholes who live in Kensington, or is she really the sort of dirty hippy who stinks of incense and bad fannies? One thing’s for sure – we bet her parents are loaded. Another thing’s for sure – Bea looks like she’s confused by the concept of ideas.

David – Now, your Big Brother intro tape is very important. You have to convey your entire personality in a matter of seconds, knowing that millions of people will be analysing it and judging everything you do. So in your Big Brother intro tape, you probably don’t want to stare directly at the camera and bellow “UP YER FLAPS!” like a bad northern comic trying to get a catchphrase to take off. Sadly, that’s exactly what David did in his Big Brother intro tape on Friday. He’s from Leeds. He’s gay. He’s flamboyant. He thinks he looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and Greg Rusedski. He doesn’t. He looks like Travis Bickle after a couple of years on pies and amyl nitrate and sadness.

Hira – Let’s get this straight, Hira is a pretty girl. Beautiful, even. She is very lovely to look at. And that’s just as well, because that’s just about all Hira has got going for her. She’s Pakistani, but speaks in a ludicrous American accent. She’s married to one of her relatives. In her own Big Brother intro tape she tearfully thanked God for everything, obviously confusing a Big Brother intro tape with an Oscars acceptance speech. Oh, and Hira looks as if she has the mental capacity of a pencil case, too – as she was briefed about her secret task in the diary room, Hira looked genuinely baffled by the instructions. By words, in fact. Hira looked like she was baffled by words.

Tom – So this is how knobbish the new Big Brother housemates are. They’re so knobbish that Tom – a braying, overpriviledged, horse-owning muscleman who can’t stop prodding at himself with an obvious sense of wonder that anything as perfect as him could ever be allowed to even exist – seems to be the least knobbish of the lot of them. And he really is a knob. We can’t stress that enough. Just thinking about him makes us want to crap blood. Ugh.

Later this week – more Big Brother eviction palaver.

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With riveting daily appearances of the couple leaving some restaurant, and David modeling undies on banners that are so huge you can actually see his junk from space, it’s no wonder the world in obsessed with the Becks.

Luckily, Ireland has come to provide us with more Beckham madness. A Posh and Becks musical is coming to Dublin. Yes, two straight hours of a man unsuccessfully trying to feed a crouton to a broomstick is finally a reality!

David and Victoria Beckham are rather perplexing. It may be because we still harbour a deep grievance because our alter ego, Greasy Spice, wasn’t selected to be part of the Spice Girls, but it doesn’t make sense that a couple famous for being photographed leaving restaurants, walking hand in hand like two impeccably dressed zombies are such a phenomenon.

Sure, David probably wishes his popularity would invigorate interest in football in the US instead of being known for having a wife that looks like a fashionable Skeletor with breast implants, but he's popular nonetheless.

The Beckhams are like a runaway freight train you’d throw your gran in front of if you believed she could stop it. But since she probably won’t, the next logical thing is to make a musical about the couple called MacBecks, which is scheduled to open in January 2009 in Dublin. 

Okay, so the idea of a musical about David and Victoria Beckham isn’t quite as painfully disabling once a few more details are unearthed. It’s going to be a satirical mix of comedy, song, headlines about the couple, and bit of plays by William Shakespeare, including Romeo and Juliet, King Lear and, obviously, Macbeth. So, to clarify, as long as stuff is being mocked, we're all good.

Reportedly, Posh’s character will be ambitious like Lady Macbeth, whose husband will sacrifice his career for her. No report on if a Tom Cruise character will step in and encourage David’s character to relocate to a new continent where David’s fame will turn out to be over-estimated in its ability to get people interested in a sport they’re not interested in.

Sadly, it doesn’t look as though Posh’s character will be played by Posh herself, but a mop is said to be on the verge of securing the role. Luckily for the mop, Katie Holmes is already signed on for another Broadway play, eliminating the mop’s fiercest competition.

That's because Jennifer Lopez isn't just pregnant, but pregnant with twins. David Lopez broke the news of Jennifer Lopez's impending twins during an interview on a Spanish-language TV show.

Although let's not forget that the Spanish word for 'twins' and the Spanish word for 'underwhelming singing voice' are very similar, so there's a good chance that David Lopez was merely providing a randomly-timed, somewhat harsh critique of Jennifer Lopez's performance style for the Spanish-speaking community.

Today might just be the most depressing day in the history of hecklerspray. Look along the 'recent posts' list there in the sidebar – two deaths, one genocide, imprisonment, deliberate drug-taking, accidental drug-taking, mental illness and Chantelle Houghton. Could it get any worse? Where are all the lovely stories about happy things?

Well how about this – Jennifer Lopez is pregnant with twins! Yes, that is a happy story, actually. Be happy. Happier. BE HAPPIER! That's better.

Although Jennifer Lopez has been secretive to the point of dementia about her pregnancy – only revealing that she was pregnant at all three months after most people assumed that she was either pregnant or the host of some gargantuan ovarian cyst – those around her haven't been quite as good at keeping schtum.

First Jennifer Lopez's costume designer blabbed about her pregnancy long before it was officially announced. And now Jennifer Lopez's own father has decided to reveal to a Spanish-language TV show exactly how many unborn babies she's got wedged up her chuff. MSNBC reports:

"Yes, twins,” he told the Spanish language TV show, People reported. “The thing is in my family, my sister also had twins, so it's a hereditary thing," he said. And he already has gifts for the impending arrivals. "In Puerto Rico it's custom to buy an azabache [jet black, stone] bracelet for babies to protect them from the evil eye, it's part of our culture," he said.

Of course, Jennifer Lopez giving birth to twins is only half the story – it'll be when Angelina Jolie also gives birth to her twins that things really get interesting. Because then the Lopez-Jolie Twin-Off To The Death can start. It won't be pretty – in fact it'll be downright harrowing – but the important target demographic of people who enjoy watching babies beat other babies to death has been silenced for too long to not make it happen.

Anyway. Although Jennifer Lopez might be harbouring feelings of anger towards her father for revealing that she's pregnant with twins against her will, she really shouldn't be. That's because Jennifer Lopez is due any day now, so David Lopez only spoiled the surprise by a handful of hours at best.

And what a proud moment that birth will be, as Jennifer Lopez experiences the jumble of extreme emotions that only a new mother can know – the thrill of creating life, the fear that something might happen to them and the sadness that she'll no longer have two big baby-sized lumps jutting out of her belly to counterbalance the hilarious size of her gigantic bottom. It'll be a rollercoaster, make no mistake of that.

Read more:

Jennifer Lopez is Having Twins - Access Hollywood