Pint Sized Canadian Pop Prince, Justin Bieber, really is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Fresh from “definitely” fathering a love child in a sweaty 30-second romp with a woman whose testimony is as reliable as that of Dr. Conrad Murray, Bieber has decided to, once again, showcase how empty the space between his ears is on national television.

Bieber’s lack of geographical knowledge was previously showcased on television in New Zealand, when he admitted, in a somewhat uncomfortable and borderline racist moment, that they don’t have the word German in America.

But now he’s taken his ignorance to the next level, by going on the David Letterman show and failing to be able to name all 7 of the Earth’s continents.

Justin had stated to Letterman that he believed he had performed on every continent, only to have the late night legend challenge him to name the continents he has performed on.

Asia, North America, South America. Boom, Bieber was almost half way there, but after that strong start he began to struggle. After a few seconds he pulled Africa out of the bag and quickly followed it up with Antarctica.

But that’s where the knowledge train de-railed and Bieber began to clutch at straws. His next 2 answers were The North Pole and Canada, neither of which are actually continents, just in case you didn’t already know.

Thanks to a little prompting by Letterman, Bieber was able to just about struggle his way to the end of the list, although he did refer to Oceana/Australasia as just Australia, so even after being handed the answers he still managed to get it wrong, Letterman obviously overlooked this glaring error in order to keep the show moving, otherwise he’d have been there all week. Pedantic? Us? Never.

We’ve included the video of the bumbling Bieber’s inability to name the 7 continents below, so you too can sit there and shout at him for being so thick.

Let’s just hope Justin isn’t asked to name the children he’s sired on each contient!

David Letterman is good at his job… his job being that he’s supposed to be vaguely sarcastic yet warm and mock the affair he had behind his wife’s back. He’s a pretty good egg all in all. However, he’s about to die.

See, ol’ Letterman likes making jokes about terrorists. And quite right too! They’re a hilarious bunch (although, their punchlines could do with some work. We haven’t quite worked out how to laugh at a video of someone having their head hacked off… yet).

Of course, if you mock terrorists, they get angry. All they want is to be taken seriously. They are no laughing matter. They have nailbombs and virgins awaiting them. And so, cross these chaps and they’ll kill you. And they’ve decided they will assassinate David Letterman.

With this warning of potential death by terrorists, CBS TV execs are now wondering which is the best way to make good on it. In fairness, it will make for excellent (if gruesome) television.

Should we see his body arch in slow motion from 30 angles as the bullets pass through his famous face? Should ESPN pundits be on-hand with their electronic pens to mark the various entry and exit points of the bullets, talking about al-Qaeda getting their ‘offense’ just right?

They might not shoot him. They might do something more crude. U.S. intelligence says that a Muslim militant has urged American followers to target Letterman, saying that he should have his tongue cut out.

It’d be like that bit in Old Boy, and Old Boy is a really, really cool film. They should make Letterman eat a live squid first.

Either way. this probably won’t happen, but we’ll write a sycophantic obituary about him just to be on the safe side.

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David Letterman is the luckiest man alive – his extorter has pleaded guilty AND he gets to have sex with his staff.

We wish we were him. But anyway, back to the extortion thing. You may remember that CBS producer Robert Halderman had attempted to blackmail David Letterman out of $2 million with information that Letterman had, on occasion, slept with female members of his staff. Well, now Halderman has pleaded guilty to grand larceny as part of a deal that’ll see him put in jail for six months.

Really, everyone wins this way. Halderman gets a reduced sentence, David Letterman can begin to get on with his life and Tiger Woods gets a timely reminder that he isn’t the only funny-looking millionaire who dicks around from time to time. Everyone wins.

Honestly, this extortion scandal couldn’t have worked out better for David Letterman. When it broke, his refreshingly candid onscreen confession was a ratings winner, finally allowing him to become the most-watched late night host in America again. Then Tiger Woods came along and blew his little scandal clean out of the water. Then his merciless demolition of Jay Leno during the Tonight Show wars consolidated his success, then his Super Bowl advert with Jay Leno showed that he could be the nice guy too.

And now Robert Halderman has pleaded guilty to extorting David Letterman just as Jay Leno got The Tonight Show back, which means that everybody will be tuning in to see Letterman give his side of the story. He’s hardly put a foot wrong throughout any of this. He’s put his penis in the wrong place, admittedly, but you have to admire where his feet have been.

But the point is that Robert Halderman has pleaded guilty in a deal that effectively shaved 14 and a half years off his prison sentence. Here’s how Reuters reported it – and, incidentally, you should absolutey click on that link, because it contains a photo of a policeman pulling the single most disapproving face you will ever see:

Robert Joel Halderman reached a deal with prosecutors in which he pleaded guilty to attempted grand larceny in exchange for serving six months in jail, performing 1,000 hours of community service and giving up his right to appeal. Halderman, appearing in front of New York State Supreme Court Justice Charles Solomon, said he felt “great remorse” for his actions and apologized to Letterman.

At least now everything can go back to normal. Halderman can slowly learn the error of his ways and realise that blackmail is never the answer. David Letterman’s wife can start drawing up a contract saying that she’ll get most of his money if he ever sleeps around again. And, most importantly, the general public can gradually lose interest in David Letterman and start watching Jay Leno in their millions again. Because the general public are nobsacks.

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Did you see the Super Bowl yesterday? Oh boy, that sure was some game – the way that one team beat another team?

Amazing. And the Super Bowl half-time show, where half of The Who sang some songs in a fairly nondescript manner? Wowsers, talk about entertainment. And then there were the Super Bowl adverts, like the one for Dockers where nobody wore trousers, and the one where Toyota hilariously apologised for recalling five million cars because they were potentially lethal. Classic Super Bowl.

But the biggest Super Bowl moment probably came with the 15-second commercial for David Letterman‘s show. Why? Because it reunited Letterman with his arch-enemy Jay Leno, which is a big deal if you like that kind of thing.

For the most part, yesterday’s Super Bowl was a crushing disappointment. Usually the big news of the day comes from the half-time show, but that wasn’t the case this year. The protests against The Who’s appearance didn’t turn into a full-scale riot, Pete Townshend didn’t make his guitar look like a willy like Prince did a few years ago and Roger Daltrey didn’t even pop one of his nipples out. It was very disappointing.

And the Super Bowl itself wasn’t much better, on the basis that American football is a sport that people only pretend to like. So that just leaves the commercials. And, luckily, David Letterman had something quite special in store for us. Look…

Look! It’s David Letterman and Oprah Winfrey, who David Letterman was once engaged in a long feud with. And there’s Jay Leno, who David Letterman has been engaged in a feud with for almost 20 years. Together! On a sofa! For 15 seconds! Together!

The advert was a masterstroke for all kinds of reasons, especially because the recent palaver over Conan O’Brien and The Tonight Show gave Leno and Letterman a new excuse to snipe at each other with unbridled ferocity on their shows. And now it would seem that all the bad blood’s in the past.

The three stars come out of the commercial looking better than ever, too. David Letterman looks like a good sport for arranging it, Jay Leno gets to take another step towards public redemption and Oprah Winfrey looks like a comedy genius just by sitting next to Jay Leno – who is, after all, about as funny as herpes.

And the repercussions of the commercial should be great, too. If it works, all three will see a direct ratings boost as a result. And if it doesn’t work, the worst-case scenario is that the world gets a much-needed reminder of what wonderful actors they all are. People forget that Oprah Winfrey was once nominated for an Oscar, or that Jay Leno was once in a buddy action movie with Mr Miyagi, or that David Letterman was once in one episode of Mork And Mindy 31 years ago. The offers should come flooding in now.

But the David Letterman commercial wasn’t the only good thing about yesterday’s Super Bowl. There was also… oh, who are we kidding? Yes it was.

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You should sit down for this, because it’ll shock you to your very core: David Letterman had sex with a woman once.

Tell your friends. You may as well tell your friends, anyway, because it’s not like the information is worth anything now. A couple of days ago you could have got $2 million for possessing the information that David Letterman had sex with a woman once, but not any more. Not after some idiot bungled his extortion plot against Letterman and ended up getting charged with attempted grand larceny.

Still, though – David Letterman had sex with a woman once. Bleurgh.

Those late night talk shows will do anything for ratings, won’t they? It’s embarrassing, the lengths that they’ll go to to snare viewers. Why just last week Conan O’Brien smacked his head incredibly hard on a concrete floor, probably just because he wanted a few more people to watch his show. And Jay Leno actually touched Kanye West on the knee not so long ago, which is clearly the act of a man ravaged by desperation.

The worst offender in all of this, though, is David Letterman. There’s nothing he won’t do to get ratings. Earlier this year he told a funny joke about Sarah Palin, the bastard, and the ensuing brouhaha brought him more attention than he’s had in years. And let’s not forget that time he used mind control on his entire TV audience by moving his eyebrows around a bit. Really, that man is completely bloody shameless.

And just look what he’s doing for ratings now, the awful git. David Letterman had sex with one or more undisclosed women at some point over the course of the last 27 years, purely because he knew that one day someone would try and extort $2 million out of him because of it, leading to his show getting marginally increased viewing figures for a couple of days. The man’s an evil genius.

No, really, someone tried to extort $2 million out of David Letterman because he’s had sex with his employees in the past. We could go into details, but David Letterman did that himself on his show last night. Look…

The would-be extorter has been identified as a staffer on the CBS true-crime show 48 Hours, and in all likelihood the show is probably where he masterminded his devious, can’t lose plot to try and get millions of dollars out of a celebrity by threatening to tell the world that he did something that celebrities are generally quite famous for doing.

It’s too early to say what effect this saga will have on David Letterman’s position. Given his honesty and the fact that he was blackmailed for doing something that isn’t particularly serious, we imagine that he’ll be fine. But let’s take a look at YouTube to see what Letterman’s fans are saying about this:

“Letterman and his interns. Dirty geezer! What a pile of? scum.”

“It’s called KARMA Dave you liberal prick!”

“Was Obama there high fiving you Dave??”

Yeah, he’ll be fine.

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Wolves, you’ve just earnt yourselves a respite. Sarah Palin is currently too busy to shoot you from a helicopter with a machinegun.

It’s all thanks to David Letterman. If you’ve been following the news, you’ve probably heard that David Letterman told a moderately funny joke last week, which Sarah Palin took offence to because she thought it was about the statutory rape of her 14-year-old daughter. Which it probably wasn’t. And now, somewhat inevitably, it’s war.

So God help David Letterman when Sarah Palin becomes president. Because if she doesn’t get him, one of those flying pigs definitely will.

If we were David Letterman right now, we’d want to kiss Sarah Palin right on the face. We wouldn’t actually kiss her, obviously, for fear that being an incomprehensible knee-jerk dimwit was both contagious and spread by the passing of saliva, but we’d want to kiss her nonetheless.

Why? Because thanks to Sarah Palin and her willingness to peg herself to whatever diluted form of moral outrage she can, provided it means that she’s kept in the limelight for a few seconds longer, David Letterman is big business again. After Jay Leno left The Tonight Show last month, it was feared that David Letterman would have to fight even harder for viewers, since it meant going up against Conan O’Brien – a man who is actually funny rather than just smug and chinny.

But that hasn’t happened, and for that he can thank Sarah Palin’s preposterously over the top reaction to a joke he told last week, suggesting that one of her daughters might get knocked up by Alex Rodruiguez if they stayed in New York too long. While it seems pretty clear that Letterman was referring to Bristol Palin – the Palin daughter who has a proven track record of underage pregnancies – Sarah Palin took it as a reference to her 14-year-old daughter, who’s called Willow or Shrub or Moon or Biro or Plap or something.

And now, despite his multiple apologies, Sarah Palin is still spouting off in the wrong direction about statutory rape and what a great big victim she is, and now her supporters want to get David Letterman fired, as the LA Times reports:

“I’m glad he’s acknowledged we’re right,” said John Ziegler, a creator of the film “Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected and Palin Was Targeted”. “I think it’s a good first step in the right direction, but I don’t think it’s enough.” … Ziegler said he was not sure what sanction Letterman should face, but options should include suspension and firing. Meanwhile, the group is still planning a rally Tuesday outside the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York, where Letterman tapes his show.

It sounds like all of this is getting awfully messy on the surface, but let’s not kid ourselves. After all, everyone’s benefiting from this argument. David Letterman’s getting more attention than he’s had in years, Sarah Palin has been given another rock to cling onto before she inevitably blows away into obscurity forever, we get to make several tired old jokes about Sarah Palin and Jay Leno in the space of a single post – and you?

Well, you get to leave a bunch of ill-informed, borderline illiterate comments that would appear to have been written by actual children below. What are you waiting for? It’s what you lot do best.

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