Pint Sized Canadian Pop Prince, Justin Bieber, really is the gift that just keeps on giving.
Fresh from “definitely” fathering a love child in a sweaty 30-second romp with a woman whose testimony is as reliable as that of Dr. Conrad Murray, Bieber has decided to, once again, showcase how empty the space between his ears is on national television.
Bieber’s lack of geographical knowledge was previously showcased on television in New Zealand, when he admitted, in a somewhat uncomfortable and borderline racist moment, that they don’t have the word German in America.
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David Letterman is good at his job… his job being that he’s supposed to be vaguely sarcastic yet warm and mock the affair he had behind his wife’s back. He’s a pretty good egg all in all. However, he’s about to die.
See, ol’ Letterman likes making jokes about terrorists. And quite right too! They’re a hilarious bunch (although, their punchlines could do with some work. We haven’t quite worked out how to laugh at a video of someone having their head hacked off… yet).
Of course, if you mock terrorists, they get angry. All they want is to be taken seriously. They are no laughing matter. They have nailbombs and virgins awaiting them. And so, cross these chaps and they’ll kill you. And they’ve decided they will assassinate David Letterman.
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David Letterman is the luckiest man alive – his extorter has pleaded guilty AND he gets to have sex with his staff.
We wish we were him. But anyway, back to the extortion thing. You may remember that CBS producer Robert Halderman had attempted to blackmail David Letterman out of $2 million with information that Letterman had, on occasion, slept with female members of his staff. Well, now Halderman has pleaded guilty to grand larceny as part of a deal that’ll see him put in jail for six months.
Really, everyone wins this way. Halderman gets a reduced sentence, David Letterman can begin to get on with his life and Tiger Woods gets a timely reminder that he isn’t the only funny-looking millionaire who dicks around from time to time. Everyone wins.
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Did you see the Super Bowl yesterday? Oh boy, that sure was some game – the way that one team beat another team?
Amazing. And the Super Bowl half-time show, where half of The Who sang some songs in a fairly nondescript manner? Wowsers, talk about entertainment. And then there were the Super Bowl adverts, like the one for Dockers where nobody wore trousers, and the one where Toyota hilariously apologised for recalling five million cars because they were potentially lethal. Classic Super Bowl.
But the biggest Super Bowl moment probably came with the 15-second commercial for David Letterman‘s show. Why? Because it reunited Letterman with his arch-enemy Jay Leno, which is a big deal if you like that kind of thing.
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You should sit down for this, because it’ll shock you to your very core: David Letterman had sex with a woman once.
Tell your friends. You may as well tell your friends, anyway, because it’s not like the information is worth anything now. A couple of days ago you could have got $2 million for possessing the information that David Letterman had sex with a woman once, but not any more. Not after some idiot bungled his extortion plot against Letterman and ended up getting charged with attempted grand larceny.
Still, though – David Letterman had sex with a woman once. Bleurgh.
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Wolves, you’ve just earnt yourselves a respite. Sarah Palin is currently too busy to shoot you from a helicopter with a machinegun.
It’s all thanks to David Letterman. If you’ve been following the news, you’ve probably heard that David Letterman told a moderately funny joke last week, which Sarah Palin took offence to because she thought it was about the statutory rape of her 14-year-old daughter. Which it probably wasn’t. And now, somewhat inevitably, it’s war.
So God help David Letterman when Sarah Palin becomes president. Because if she doesn’t get him, one of those flying pigs definitely will.
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