David Hasselhoff - HecklerSpray

Yo, Adrian! Rocky The Musical Is Going To Suck Big Time

April 30th, 2013 By Chris Chambers

Rocky the Musical is going to Broadway!?While at first it may sound absurd,?give it moment to sink in and you’ll realize just how genius it truly is.?Picture Nathan Lane as the Burgess Meredith character. A beefed-up Matthew Broderick as Rocky … so dopey and so very masculine, but somehow so?sincere at the same time.

Maybe Tracy Morgan as Apollo Creed, and?the skinny chick from Parks and Rec as Adrian. It’s magic waiting to happen.

The casting choices are my own, but, in all seriousness, the musical theater version of the Oscar-winning?film?is?actually debuting on Broadway in March of next year. That’s no joke. It’s been playing?in Hamburg since late 2012 to rave reviews, so why not make the jump to Broadway??We all know what exceptional taste the Germans have. David Hasselhoff, anyone?

David Hasselhoff Bothers QVC By Singing All Over It

February 28th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

As far as adoptions go, the UK proudly house people of all colour and creed. Is it because we care? Or so we can steal their national culinary cuisines and make inferior versions of them? Just look at Nandos and Yo Sushi. Because the Brits don’t like actual Germans,?David Hasselhoff ticks our Vaterland?criteria.

And with our Germanic Hoff substitute, we didn’t get sausages and strong ale, we got Knight Rider – a programme so awful that the only realistic thing in it was a talking motor car called KITT.

After returning to his adopted homeland to flog power ballads, Hasselhoff returned to the UK and ironically got asked to judge Britain?s Got Talent. Surely after that watching his poor German humour on primetime TV, he'd go away? Nope, he's still around pestering those who?ll listen. Even shambolic bidding TV channel QVC isn't safe. They were treated to a performance from ?The Hoff? as he launched his new album.?Der abschaum der menschlichen gesellschaft!

Hoff Wants Russell Crowe For Knight Rider Film (See Also: Trying To Have Sex With The Night Sky)

February 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Ever since we all saw David Hasselhoff drunkenly eating a hamburger off the floor while berating his daughter, we’ve all thrilled at how damaged the former Baywatcher is. Not to mention that whole being under the impression he brought down the iron curtain in Germany thing.

The Hoff, for reasons only unclear to him, is one of our favourite celebrities to mockingly enjoy.

And, the good news is, is that he really hasn’t learned a thing. He’s as deluded as ever, growing his peas above sticks and saying, without a trace of irony, that he wants A-List superstar Russell Crowe for the Knight Rider Movie. That’d be the Knight Rider Movie which doesn’t ever, ever look like getting general release.

Cowell To Be Demonic Godfather To Amanda Holden’s Baby

September 6th, 2011 By Michael Park

Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent.

Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate ability to point out things that are usually seen as too mundane to mention while dancing around the stage like a human spinning-top, pepped up on a cocktail of cocaine and speed. This seemed, to Simon Cowell at least, enough talent to secure him a place on the judging panel. However, it seems that he’s too nice to keep it.

What of David Hasselhoff? He’s big in Germany for his warbling singing voice, while he is best-known in this country for playing the role of the drunk, strung-out father in 80s’ TV classic Knight Rider. What will become of him and his perma-tan?

Britain’s Got Talent Is One Big Simon Cowell Fix Says Unreliable Anonymous Source

June 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

It’s a small miracle that people who watch The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent think it’s a level playing field, when the shows are quite clearly as choreographed as WWE events. They’re not based in competition, rather, the drama of perceived competition. They are, first and foremost, television programmes: scripted, edited to within an inch of their lives and in both hugely successful franchises.

And now, the allegation of ‘FIX!’ is being thrown around again, as if the shows weren’t hugely manipulated in the first instance. It’d be a surprise if they weren’t, but we always worked under the assumption that they were rigged, and didn’t really mind (mainly because we are part of the viewing public that don’t pick up the phone to vote in such shows, thereby, investing little more than sarcasm and occasional lust).

However, feathers are flying at the moment. That’s because a supposed Sony executive has anonymously blown the whistle on this year’s Britain’s Got Talent which claims that eerie child crooner, Ronan Parke, has already ‘won’ the show.

Britney Spears, Lesbian Kiss, Amanda Holden, Swollen Nose ? Search Engine Heaven

May 16th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

What do we think about Amanda Holden? Not a great deal to be honest ? she's just sort of ?there?. Although it is difficult to look at her without remembering that she used to have regular sex with chicken enthusiast Les Dennis which is, frankly, horrible.

The fact that she also let Neil Morrissey push his winky into her foo-foo is also deeply harrowing to us. Although we suspect not as upsetting as it was to Les, who was still married to her at the time and probably still thinks about it as he sits in his damp-ridden bedsit eating cold baked beans straight from the tin before spending his evenings with a brown paper bag on his head weeping and masturbating.

Anyway.

TV Review: Britain’s Got Talent – But No More Elnett (Thanks, Holden)

August 5th, 2012 By Justrestingmyeyes

Britain’s Got Talent, and by God, that’s got to be sifted out somehow. They’ve got to be taken off these streets, these talented people. They’re a damn liability. They can’t keep flinging their tiny urban dancing children around like that without consequence. At some point, a poor defenceless granny is going to be trundling her week’s supply of gin and Rothmans out of the Tesco Metro and an Adidas-clad five-year-old limb will flail wildly out of a headspin and knock her eyeball right through the back of her skull.

So hooray for Britain’s Got Talent. Soon all of this year’s supply of talent will be tucked away nicely in a SyCo dungeon, out of harm’s way, where they can be safely milked for pennies until dead or demented. But it’s all change for 2011, as the AntDec chirrup in the typically bombastic opening, showcasing the success of previous winners “Carphone Warehouse Pavarotti”, “Urban Dance Troupe 1.0”, “Naked Ballet Weird”, “Er…”, and “the Wicked Witch Su-bo”; Britain’s Got Talent but America’s Got Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell’s Got Advanced Syphyllitic Insanity (he hasn’t, obviously, he hasn’t at all – he’s got hideous diarrheoa).

So We’ve Got New Judges joining Amanda “Armpits” Holden behind their big red fun-buttons – Michael McIntyre and David Hasselhoff.

Tiny Eyed Michael McIntyre Makes 9 Year Old Comedian Cry in Britain’s Got Talent

February 1st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Michael McIntyre, a man that seemingly no stand-up comedian likes because he’s not edgy enough and became incredibly famous in a very short period of time, is clearly seeing off the competition before they get a foothold on the comedy ladder.

McIntyre, who is starring on the panel of judges on the new Britain’s Got Talent series, managed to make a nine-year-old boy cry all over his tiny face during auditions for the show.

And now, amusingly, McIntyre is hoping that the footage of him being needlessly nasty to a pre-pubescent child won’t be aired. Thankfully, we’re here to report on it and don’t worry – we’re storing this information to use against him repeatedly. He’s now Michael ‘The Big Dirty Child Botherer’ McIntyre in our heads.

Dancing With The Stars Shows That Americans Want David Hasselhoff To Die

September 22nd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

People who were famous in the ’80s thrive on knowing that, despite falling out of favour with various television and record company executives, their hardcore fanbase still love them. These fans are what stop them from rigging a hose up to the exhaust and ending this cruel life.

But what happens when those fans suddenly go AWOL? What happens when these fans decide that you can’t even dance as well as Bristol Palin who moves around the floor like a thing you’ve shot in the knees?

This is what David Hasselhoff will be asking himself today as he was the first person voted off Dancing With The Stars. It looks like we might be due another Hoff Drunk On The Floor video again.

Dancing With The Stars: David Hasselhoff’s Awful Sex Vehicle

September 2nd, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

HANNOVER, GERMANY - AUGUST 27: Actor David Hasselhoff sits in his KITT car from the seies'Knight Rider' while attending The Dome 55 on August 27, 2010 in Hannover, Germany. (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images)

This year’s Dancing With The Stars will feature the likes of Bristol Palin, The Situation and Michael Bolton.

But that’s not why you’ll watch it. No. You’re only going to watch Dancing With The Stars for David Hasselhoff, aren’t you? It’s OK, you can admit it. You’ll either watch it because you genuinely appreciated David Hasselhoff’s work on Knight Rider and Baywatch, or because you’re an ironic fan of David Hasselhoff’s ironic ‘Hoff’ persona, or because you want to see David Hasselhoff turn up drunk, start a fight with the gay Italian and then roll around on the floor urinating everywhere.

But what if you want to see David Hasselhoff do everything in his power to try and have sex with his Dancing With The Stars partner? Don’t worry, he’s got that angle covered as well.