The internet is full of dicks (hecklerspray excluded, of course). Just take a look around: there’s that kid over there, blogging about his pathetic existence; that tweeting celebrity, moaning about their insufferable riches; and what about Justin Bieber? Ergh.

The internet is a horrible cesspit of words and pictures, never more aptly demonstrated than in social hub Facebook.

It’s also appropriate then that the story behind the invention of the 21^st Century’s most dominating stalker tool, The Social Network, is as full of nauseating idiots as its millions of inhabitants.

Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) is rich. This is a fact that he lets us know almost immediately as the non-linear nature of the film flitters to the Facebook creator’s later court cases surrounding the site. Yet, his ascension from mumbling genius to curly-haired billionaire isn’t about the money; it’s about notoriety.

It’s an interesting contrast to the virtual, faceless nature of electronic communication that Zuckerberg’s fascination with gaining access to exclusive university clubs and his reputation are the only measures of success he requires.

However, it’s not always Mark at the centre of the drama.

Facebook co-founder, Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield), open wallet to Zuckerberg at Facebook’s inception, feels as if he’s being pushed out of the business he helped to build, when Sean Parker (Justin Timberlake – proving his acting chops) enters the frame. Parker, co-creator of Napster, is everything Zuckerberg wants to be: effortlessly hip, attractive and the inventor of technology that changed how we live our life – he’s probably got a big penis as well. Clearly, he’s important.

However, this isn’t just a simple tale on Facebook’s invention. While Saverin sues Mark for his mistreatment, frat-boy rich kids, the Winklevoss twins and their cohort, Divya Narendra, also jump on the legal bandwagon, suing Zuckerberg claiming to be the originators of Facebook. Nothing is clear-cut, as the film doesn’t concern itself with taking sides, instead allowing for each performance to speak for itself.

Eisenberg and Garfield are the standouts, with the former latching onto quirks, quick witticisms and vomiting intellectual babble with impressive momentum. Praise also has to be shouldered on the insufferably likeable Timberlake and the impressively named Armie Hammer, the latter playing both twins with some cunning technological wizardry.

Director David Fincher has a masterful handle on the storytelling, jumping between the early days of Facebook and the ensuing court cases. It’s all helped by a fantastic script by Aaron Sorkin, former West Wing scribe, here transferring his talents onto a story people in the UK give a shit about. He takes his time to make each character resonate and sympathetic in each of their own struggles.

The Social Network is one of the finest contemporary dramas ever and will probably get marked as one of the defining films of the generation. It might even frighten some people to know that it’s not even about Facebook at all but a story about interaction. Friendship, romance, business, they’re all analysed through the invention of that cursed online portal.

It doesn’t matter whose side you’re on by the movie’s end, what you’ll walk away with in one of the most brilliantly told true stories of today.

If you don’t like it, we’re going to unfriend you.

‘spray rating: 5/5

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Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is apparently a really nice guy. Him and some of his nerdy mates have pledged to give all their stupidly vast fortunes away to noble causes either during their lifetimes or after their death.

Presumably this is so we all forget all the data and privacy problems Facebook has been plagued with recently, plus the way Zuckerberg was portrayed as the world’s biggest bell-end in David Fincher’s film, The Social Network.

Bill Gates, the lord of the geeks and former one man bank came up with the scheme to get the obscenely wealthy to say they’ll give their billions away at some point down the line to benefit the less fortunate, with his wife Melinda and some fella named Warren Buffett (who we’re reliably informed is some sort of investment banker, you know, like Chris Bates from the Apprentice).

But we here at Hecklerspray still won’t forgive him for that bloody paperclip, no-matter how many copies of the Big Issue he buys.

Naturally, the news that Mark Zuckerberg is pledging to give all his cash away to the needy isn’t something you’d traditionally expect people to take the mickey out of, but we aren’t a traditional blog.

Zuckerberg recently rolled out a new Facebook page design, which for once didn’t result in all 500 million members joining groups called, “GET FACEBOOK TO CHANGE BACK, THE NEW LAYOUT IS CRAP!!!11ONE112!” He’s also been on a bit of a PR trail following the release of The Social Network, doing more interviews and public appearances, portraying himself as just a nice guy, albeit a nice guy whose bank statements has more zeros than a list of X-Factor contestants.

Now, we’re not suggesting that Saint Zuckerberg is resorting to the cheap tactic of making a sizeable charity donation in order to raise his public profile. But let’s face it, he probably is.

Maybe we should all go back to Myspace, at least Tom was our friend.

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Professional movie director and sometime whore David Fincher has given humanity the gifts of Seven, Fight Club and keeping Jodie Foster locked in room for a long time.

Now with the launch of the new iPhone, his latest gift is a sharp new advert for the product that needs no advertising. Yes Fincher has directed himself a new iPhone advert – the product everybody has because it’s the best thing to ever happen to Earth, the universe and everything in it! – That’ll make the heartbreak of losing out on the Oscar less bitter Fincher.

David, though, is a director of class and prestige, surely he could direct someone to KFC and it would be done so with an outstanding style and panache not seen before? Alternatively he could guff, watch Mission Impossible and just say “Do that”.

Looks like the latter.

[story by David Scarborough]

10 - This is a) good and b) not an advert, despite looking like one. Who’d have thought?

9 – Hey, watching Same Difference‘s new video is like grappling with a Haribo hangover after all – Popjustice

8 - Every song Kanye West will ever write, leaked on the internet – Pitchfork

7 – Jodie Marsh makes a joke about John Prescott, but everyone gags anyway – Holymoly

6 - Outnumbered, the most underrated British sitcom of the last decade, is back tomorrow. Celebrate with this interview – TVscoop

5 – That kid from the cover of Nevermind? Guess what the only thing he ever talks about it is - AV Club

4 - Thanks David Fincher. We really want to go and see Benjamin Button now – Hotblog

3 – It’s been about two months. You don’t recognise these people, do you? – Popsugar

2 - Why not download every single sound effect ever made? – Soundsnap

1 - A freaky, freaky, awful picture of a woman that you honestly shouldn’t look at – Best Week Ever