David Duchovny - HecklerSpray

The Top 10 Sexiest TV Detectives

October 26th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

People who solve crimes are pretty sexy. I mean, not as sexy as criminals, because everyone loves a badass, but overall, being the person who figures shit out and saves the day is pretty hot. Just look at Columbo! (Just kidding, don’t look at Columbo, he’s a troll, but damn does he solve a good mystery).

Anyway, unlike in the real world, where detectives aren’t all that hot, television detectives are usually total fucking babes with chips on their shoulder and dark pasts, which I find very appealing. Here is a ranking of the top 10 tv detectives that make me drool.

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TV Co-Stars That Need To Hook Up In Real Life

August 18th, 2012 By Tony McMillen

Okay, we've all heard that former X-Files costars Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny are sharing a house together now. Or that since she left her husband she's staying in one of Duchovny?s houses or some other iteration of this rumor. Point is, desperate nerds in their late twenties or early thirties across the globe have grasped on to the chance that this means that the unfathomable has actually happened: Mulder and Scully are finally making the sex to each other. Only now in real life!?

And I know we need to separate the actors themselves from the characters they portray and all that other happy and sensible trill, but I don't care. There is a slight chance that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are at this moment investigating each other?s paranormal and unexplainable nethers as I type this.

David Duchovny Joins The ?Ex-Files? Due To His Massive ?PRON? Folder.

June 30th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

Fans of the shatteringly unconvincing actor David Duchovny were yesterday reportedly distraught at the news that he has once again split from the ?out of his league? actress Tea Leoni.

Details are unclear as of time of publication, but rumours of his long-reported ?sex addiction? are rearing their intriguing head again… which would be potentially interesting, were it not for the fact that David ?Boring? Duchovny ? who, it is rumoured, could talk a glass eye to sleep ? classes ?sex addiction? as ?spaffing-off at mucky ladies on the internet?.

Duchovny, as well as being point-blank unable to act, is also unable to destroy his marriage for any interesting reason whatsoever. ?Sex addiction? sounds like the best addiction ever ? we've been told that ?sex? is bloody brilliant and, given the chance, we?d lap it up as well. But no, his ?sex addiction? is limited to ?addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It's the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction? according to Fox News FOUR YEARS AGO.

No, Honestly, David Duchovny Really Didn’t Shag The Tennis Lady

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004’s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

David Duchovny Not Smashing His Balls Into Tennis Instructor

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Duchovny’s two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly.

And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

David Duchovny Splits Up With His Wife, For Some Reason

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

One of the biggest impediments to being a froth-faced sex addict is probably marriage – so congratulations are due to David Duchovny today.

Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”

This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.

Huzzah! David Duchovny Isn’t Addicted To The Sex Any More!

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The world was dangerous back when David Duchovny was a sex addict – you couldn’t walk the streets for fear of Duchovny trying to jam his tongue in your ear.

But relax, because now comes the news we’ve all been waiting for – David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido.

It still hasn’t been made clear what form David Duchovny’s sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he’s had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won’t be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that’s for sure.

David Duchovny Turns To Russell Brand For Advice On How To Stop Rogering Ladies

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

David Duchovny once starred in a grown-up edition of the popular kiddy ghost-chasing show Scooby Doo where he played agent Fox Mulder.

With the help of his strangely attractive assistant Scully, they often found themselves in all sorts of situations where trees ate traffic lights and dolls controlled entire villages.

Once the show ended, the duo failed to appear in any sort of credible TV show. Gillian Anderson even lowered herself to star in a film with cockney bellend Danny Dyer. But David Duchovny literally dropped off the radar altogether. He hadn’t died, though; instead he turned all his attention to having lots of sex. So much that he is now officially addicted to it. Instead of placing a thin line of cement over his spitting cobra, he decided that rehab was a better option to solve his problem. And now it turns out that ‘rehab’ at least partially involves reading Russell Brand‘s book.

Wait, David Duchovny’s Sex Addiction Actually Involves Having Sex!?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’re confused – apparently David Duchovny isn’t addicted to sex, he’s addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty.

We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?

Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back – David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!

David Duchovny Gets Dropped For Dropping His Trousers

September 14th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

Sex (or tossing off) addict David Duchovny may get sacked as the new face of Johnston and Murphy clothing. Presumably because he can’t keep any of the firm’s pants on long enough to sell them.

If you’re British you probably won’t have heard of Johnston and Murphy, they’re a 150-year-old American retailer who flog pale jeans and diamond jumpers to old men and lots of taupe to old women. Over the pond they call it apparel; over here we call it M&S.