Articles tagged with: David Duchovny
No, Honestly, David Duchovny Really Didn’t Shag The Tennis Lady
He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings - well, not on his penis, we're presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago. But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn't directed a movie since 2004's House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it's because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably. Something else that hurts David Duchovny's feelings is when people say he's been having sex with people he hasn't been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn't put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it'd be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.
He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings - well, not on his penis, we're presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago. But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn't directed a movie since 2004's House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it's because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably. Something else that hurts David Duchovny's feelings is when people say he's been having sex with people he hasn't been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn't put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it'd be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.
David Duchovny Not Smashing His Balls Into Tennis Instructor
David Duchovny's two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly. And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he'd leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn't he? Well, apparently not - David Duchovny's lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor. True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex - but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that's just impractical - we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.
David Duchovny's two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly. And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he'd leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn't he? Well, apparently not - David Duchovny's lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor. True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex - but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that's just impractical - we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.
David Duchovny Splits Up With His Wife, For Some Reason
One of the biggest impediments to being a froth-faced sex addict is probably marriage - so congratulations are due to David Duchovny today. Why? Because it's been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he's trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won't have to think "Wait a minute, aren't you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?" This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved - David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won't have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone's a winner.
One of the biggest impediments to being a froth-faced sex addict is probably marriage - so congratulations are due to David Duchovny today. Why? Because it's been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he's trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won't have to think "Wait a minute, aren't you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?" This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved - David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won't have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone's a winner.
Huzzah! David Duchovny Isn’t Addicted To The Sex Any More!
The world was dangerous back when David Duchovny was a sex addict - you couldn't walk the streets for fear of Duchovny trying to jam his tongue in your ear. But relax, because now comes the news we've all been waiting for - David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido. It still hasn't been made clear what form David Duchovny's sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he's had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won't be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that's for sure.
The world was dangerous back when David Duchovny was a sex addict - you couldn't walk the streets for fear of Duchovny trying to jam his tongue in your ear. But relax, because now comes the news we've all been waiting for - David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido. It still hasn't been made clear what form David Duchovny's sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he's had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won't be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that's for sure.
David Duchovny Turns To Russell Brand For Advice On How To Stop Rogering Ladies
David Duchovny once starred in a grown-up edition of the popular kiddy ghost-chasing show Scooby Doo where he played agent Fox Mulder. With the help of his strangely attractive assistant Scully, they often found themselves in all sorts of situations where trees ate traffic lights and dolls controlled entire villages. Once the show ended, the duo failed to appear in any sort of credible TV show. Gillian Anderson even lowered herself to star in a film with cockney bellend Danny Dyer. But David Duchovny literally dropped off the radar altogether. He hadn’t died, though; instead he turned all his attention to having lots of sex. So much that he is now officially addicted to it. Instead of placing a thin line of cement over his spitting cobra, he decided that rehab was a better option to solve his problem. And now it turns out that 'rehab' at least partially involves reading Russell Brand's book.
David Duchovny once starred in a grown-up edition of the popular kiddy ghost-chasing show Scooby Doo where he played agent Fox Mulder. With the help of his strangely attractive assistant Scully, they often found themselves in all sorts of situations where trees ate traffic lights and dolls controlled entire villages. Once the show ended, the duo failed to appear in any sort of credible TV show. Gillian Anderson even lowered herself to star in a film with cockney bellend Danny Dyer. But David Duchovny literally dropped off the radar altogether. He hadn’t died, though; instead he turned all his attention to having lots of sex. So much that he is now officially addicted to it. Instead of placing a thin line of cement over his spitting cobra, he decided that rehab was a better option to solve his problem. And now it turns out that 'rehab' at least partially involves reading Russell Brand's book.
Wait, David Duchovny’s Sex Addiction Actually Involves Having Sex!?
We're confused - apparently David Duchovny isn't addicted to sex, he's addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty. We're confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn't make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Apparently not, because what we're starting to hear now is that David Duchovny's sex addiction isn't just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren't even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
We're confused - apparently David Duchovny isn't addicted to sex, he's addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty. We're confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn't make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Apparently not, because what we're starting to hear now is that David Duchovny's sex addiction isn't just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren't even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
David Duchovny Gets Dropped For Dropping His Trousers
Sex (or tossing off) addict David Duchovny may get sacked as the new face of Johnston and Murphy clothing. Presumably because he can't keep any of the firm's pants on long enough to sell them. If you're British you probably won't have heard of Johnston and Murphy, they're a 150-year-old American retailer who flog pale jeans and diamond jumpers to old men and lots of taupe to old women. Over the pond they call it apparel; over here we call it M&S.
Sex (or tossing off) addict David Duchovny may get sacked as the new face of Johnston and Murphy clothing. Presumably because he can't keep any of the firm's pants on long enough to sell them. If you're British you probably won't have heard of Johnston and Murphy, they're a 150-year-old American retailer who flog pale jeans and diamond jumpers to old men and lots of taupe to old women. Over the pond they call it apparel; over here we call it M&S.
David Duchovny Only Addicted To Sex With His Lovely Wife
Fact - when a man admits to a sex addiction, it's because his wife caught him half a foot up another woman and he's trying to appease her. Unless, it appears, you're David Duchovny. Although he's currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or... or... Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration's too good for him. David Duchovny, you're a big fat embarrassment to mankind.
Fact - when a man admits to a sex addiction, it's because his wife caught him half a foot up another woman and he's trying to appease her. Unless, it appears, you're David Duchovny. Although he's currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or... or... Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration's too good for him. David Duchovny, you're a big fat embarrassment to mankind.
