There is a woman who claims she was raped by David Copperfield.

And although this is a very serious allegation, we heard she’s not 100% sure as he did so with an invisible penis. Obviously the magician is claiming the whole of this absurd as he probably has a wand that can magically make the necessary female anatomical parts appear on anything at any time. Like trees, for instance.

He also claims the would-be victim is up to a trick of her own – an extortion trick.

It’s been almost two years or something since we last heard of the David Copperfield sexual assault case. He owns a private island, you see, and he flew some young girl out there for an all around nice time. They jet skied, they swam, and then he probably showed her the exact spot where he found the fountain of youth. She says that while the two were alone on the island – well that’s when Dave’s hat tricks took a more sinister turn. When she tried to run, the cutest rabbits kept popping out of everything she touched.

E! News will tell you what’s really going down:

“Two years ago, a 21-year-old woman claimed, she met the illusionist at a show. One thing led to another and she wound up on Copperfield’s $50 million private Bahamian retreat. That much they agree on. But only that. The woman claimed she was then assaulted and raped by Copperfield and has now, more than two years later, filed suit against the magician, who so adamantly denies the allegation that he not only released a statement defending himself but set up his own innocence-proclaiming website.”

The website, we’re told, has plenty of pictures of David Copperfield not raping anybody, and a statement like this:

“This woman, who filed the lawsuit, has a history of lying.  She has lied to law enforcement before and, as a result, had innocent people arrested based on a false accusation.  She bragged to one of her closest friends that she could make up allegations against a guy to “take a guy down” if she wanted to.  She said this before she even met Mr. Copperfield.  Witness after witness who know her personally say she is incapable of telling the truth.

“Her pattern of lying continues in this lawsuit.  The facts are that there were more than twenty women and men on the island during her visit.  The allegation that there was no one on the island to help her – even if she needed help – is preposterous.”

Having just visited the website, we’re distressed to tell you there actually are no pictures of David Copperfield not raping anybody. As this possibly implies guilt of a sort, we’d appreciate it if one of you would pass our findings on to the proper authorities.

And please, leave our names out of it.

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The sacrifices that David Copperfield has made for magic are huge – it’s meant that nobody can really trust him or his stupid haircut.

But, as great as those sacrifices are, they’re nothing compared to the sacrifice made by David Copperfield’s stagehand on Wednesday – he got sucked into a giant fan, broke his arm in three places and badly mangled his face up.

Still, at least David Copperfield was decent enough to visit the stagehand in hospital with a gift – a children’s magic set. Ah, all the fun of magic but with none of the screaming fear of death. What a gent!

Performers, when will you learn – Las Vegas hates you. We’re being serious. It actually hates you. Look at Toni Braxton – she went to Las Vegas and ended up getting a chronic heart condition. And look at Suge Knight‘s girlfriend – she went to Las Vegas and ended up getting repeatedly punched in the head by Suge Knight. And look at Siegfried And Roy – they went to Las Vegas and one of them ended up getting mauled by the giant white tiger that they let roam around freely with them all the time.

And that goes double for David Copperfield. He went to Las Vegas and what did he get? An FBI investigation into a series of alleged rapes. Oh, and – more relevantly – a stagehand who buggered himself up in a fan quite badly.

On Wednesday night during his Las Vegas revue, David Copperfield attempted a trick called The Fan – one that he’s performed hundreds of times in the past without a hitch. Here’s what the trick is supposed to look like…

And on Wednesday it looked exactly the same, expect a) David Copperfield’s hair is a different kind of bad now, b) Oprah Winfrey wasn’t staring at him like he was a big fat ham and c) at some point while David Copperfield was titting around with his billowy lady friend, there was probably a noise that sounded a bit like “Wait, christ OH JESUS NO MY ARM! OW! MY ARM AGAIN! AND OW AGAIN ON MY ARM NO NO NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACZZZZUGHHHARGH!”

Because that’s when David Copperfield’s stagehand Brandon was sucked into the fan, shattering his arm in three places and heavily lacerating his face. Obviously the show was immediately stopped and Brandon was hospitalised for his serious injuries. But at least David Copperfield didn’t act like a massive dick afterwards, did he, E! Online?

“Many people assume that the death-defying illusions I do onstage are not dangerous,” Copperfield said. “This unfortunate accident shows that couldn’t be further from the truth, and we’re just thankful Brandon’s injuries weren’t worse.” To show just how thankful he was, Copperfield paid a conciliatory visit to Brandon to give him what every post-op patient most hopes for: a children’s magic set.

A children’s magic set. What a sweet and completely cost-equivalent gift to give a man who’d just been mutilated by the metal blades of a 12-foot industrial fan.

Really, it’s lovely of David Copperfield to present his injured stagehand with a gift that will most closely remind him of the violent trauma he’s just been through. Maybe the hospital gift store didn’t have David Copperfield’s first choice of gift in stock – a miniature 12-foot fan that, when switched on, emits a sound that alternates between agonised screaming and a group of cackling children.

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Nothing is sexier than magic.

Seriously. Why, only the other night hecklerspray was out having dinner with a lovely young lady. Things weren't going too well, but – boy oh boy – when we came back from the toilets dressed as Wizbit and clutching a Paul Daniels Magic Box Set, the sparks really began to fly.

You'd think, then, that illusionist-type David Copperfield would have no shortage of opportunities to extend his magic wand. We just bet he pulls off all sorts of tricks – like the famous Flutter Cards In Her Face So She Can't See How Much You Look Like A Used Car Salesman or his trademark Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat And Maybe She'll Forget You're Accused Of Rape. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Yes? Wouldn't you?

Well – you'd think wrong. Just like that time you put a bet on Kerry Katona to win Slimmer Of The Year.

It's claimed that Copperfield has some altogether more interesting methods, you see…

Apparently – wherever his shows are held – David Copperfield makes sure that his assistants are equipped with 'a number of props to reel in the ladies.'

These include: 

… brochures of David's islands in the Bahamas and "blank photo(s) of David (if one of the girls is a Scorpion.)" Apparently "Scorpion" is how David refers to the ‘lucky' females invited to join him on stage. David's assistants are also tutored in how sell their employer to the women he takes an interest in. The document contains the following sample script: "Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in."

Phew. Gettin' a little hot in here, right, girls? After all, if there's one way to snare a vixen, it's to boast about how sickeningly luxurious your lifestyle is in a slightly illiterate tone.

Just ask 50 Cent. 

Read More:

David Copperfield's Creepy Pick-Up Technique Exposed – Entertainmentwise

We think we've finally worked out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear in 1983 – there's a chance he did it via a tricky combination of raping it, beating it up and then paying it $2 million to go away.

That's just a theory, mind you, and we're far too lazy to look on Wikipedia and see that he just did it with clever camera angles or something. We wouldn't want to get, say, a grand jury to investigate it. But when a real-life woman who isn't made of copper or 151 feet tall says that David Copperfield raped her, beat her and tried to pay her $2 million to shut up, grand juries are all over it. Following more revelations about David Copperfield's supposed July rape of an unidentified woman in the Bahamas, a federal grand jury in Seattle has launched an investigation into the claims. So by the time it's over we'll all be able to know if David Copperfield is a creepy rapist or just a good old-fashioned creepy magician, of which there are many.

David Copperfield used to be a friend to the law, and his ability to dumbfound muggers with magic should have brought him enough goodwill with the police to last him a lifetime. But, to be fair, allegations that you took a young woman to your sinister private island then raped her, beat her up and tried to pay her off with $2 million does tend to eat through goodwill quite quickly, even if nothing's been proved yet. And as luck would have it, that's almost completely identical to what David Copperfield is being accused of at the moment. Back when David Copperfield was first branded as a rapist by an unidentified Seattle woman, there was very little to go on – we knew a rape claim had been made against him, that he is strongly denying, and that the FBI had raided his warehouse and taken a hard drive, camera memory stick and a stack of money, but that was about it.

Now, though, it's been revealed that a federal grand jury is investigating the claim to discover if there's enough evidence to warrant a trial. And that means details of the claims of alleged rape are starting to come out which, if true, cast David Copperfield in a worse light than ever before. And that's a big achievement for anyone who's ever seen David Copperfield wistfully looking at a falcon in a semi-recumbent position wearing a lesbian's sweater and a hideous mullet at the start of his famous 1992 flying illusion. Anyway, it all apparently started when David Copperfield is said to have invited the woman to his private island in the Bahamas, as The Seattle Times reports:

She told investigators Copperfield assured her that there would be other guests at the 150-acre resort, which is restricted to a maximum of 24 guests and rents for up to $50,000 a night. From Nassau, the retreat is accessible only by charter plane and then private boat. When the woman, 21, made the trip in late July — after exchanging e-mails with Copperfield, 51 — she found herself the only guest on the island with him, she told investigators. She has told Seattle police, and later the FBI, that Copperfield raped and struck her during her two days on the island, said sources familiar with her allegations. She said that, afterward, Copperfield threatened her, telling her she'd better keep quiet.

David Copperfield's getting it from all angles at the moment. Not only is the FBI apparently taking this claim very seriously – it's thought that the alleged victim went immediately to a sexual assault centre for tests after flying back to mainland America – but David Copperfield is also getting sued for pulling out of a forthcoming Southeast Asia tour. While it should be pointed out that it's down to the grand jury to decide if there's even enough evidence for David Copperfield to go to court over these claims, it's still a perilous situation for Copperfield.

But, hey, David Copperfield is a magician, and being a magician is all about self-confidence and unshakable self-belief in your own abilities – traits which he'll need should this rape claim go any further. Being a magician is also all about pulling a long line of multicoloured handkerchiefs out of a man's pockets, although that might be slightly less relevant in this situation.

Read more:

Grand Jury Investigates Copperfield Allegations – Seattle Times