Posts tagged as:
There is a woman who claims she was raped by David Copperfield.
And although this is a very serious allegation, we heard she’s not 100% sure as he did so with an invisible penis. Obviously the magician is claiming the whole of this absurd as he probably has a wand that can magically make the necessary female anatomical parts appear on anything at any time. Like trees, for instance.
He also claims the would-be victim is up to a trick of her own – an extortion trick.
The sacrifices that David Copperfield has made for magic are huge – it’s meant that nobody can really trust him or his stupid haircut.
But, as great as those sacrifices are, they’re nothing compared to the sacrifice made by David Copperfield’s stagehand on Wednesday – he got sucked into a giant fan, broke his arm in three places and badly mangled his face up.
Still, at least David Copperfield was decent enough to visit the stagehand in hospital with a gift – a children’s magic set. Ah, all the fun of magic but with none of the screaming fear of death. What a gent!
Nothing is sexier than magic.
Seriously. Why, only the other night hecklerspray was out having dinner with a lovely young lady. Things weren't going too well, but – boy oh boy – when we came back from the toilets dressed as Wizbit and clutching a Paul Daniels Magic Box Set, the sparks really began to fly.
You'd think, then, that illusionist-type David Copperfield would have no shortage of opportunities to extend his magic wand. We just bet he pulls off all sorts of tricks – like the famous Flutter Cards In Her Face So She Can't See How Much You Look Like A Used Car Salesman or his trademark Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat And Maybe She'll Forget You're Accused Of Rape. You'd think that, wouldn't you? Yes? Wouldn't you?
Well – you'd think wrong. Just like that time you put a bet on Kerry Katona to win Slimmer Of The Year.
It's claimed that Copperfield has some altogether more interesting methods, you see…
We think we've finally worked out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear in 1983 – there's a chance he did it via a tricky combination of raping it, beating it up and then paying it $2 million to go away.
That's just a theory, mind you, and we're far too lazy to look on Wikipedia and see that he just did it with clever camera angles or something. We wouldn't want to get, say, a grand jury to investigate it. But when a real-life woman who isn't made of copper or 151 feet tall says that David Copperfield raped her, beat her and tried to pay her $2 million to shut up, grand juries are all over it. Following more revelations about David Copperfield's supposed July rape of an unidentified woman in the Bahamas, a federal grand jury in Seattle has launched an investigation into the claims. So by the time it's over we'll all be able to know if David Copperfield is a creepy rapist or just a good old-fashioned creepy magician, of which there are many.
