David Cook, the only contestant not to have a pushy father or a side job as a stripper or a stupid wet annoying stupid mouth, has won American Idol.

And what makes David Cook’s American Idol victory all the sweeter is that he was never supposed to win it – partly because his rival David Archuleta had always been the favourite and partly because David Cook is so staggeringly anonymous that he could ride into a crowded room on a neon unicorn, announcing his arrival with a loudhailer-carrying 700-piece gospel choir and people still wouldn’t have any idea who he is.

But let’s not be mean – David Cook is the rightful winner of American Idol, so he deserves all the success that he gets in the time it takes him to release one big single before Simon Cowell washes his hands of him and his album flops and we never hear from him again. Basically he’s got a fortnight.

Looking back, this season of American Idol hasn’t been too bad. It gave us Renaldo Lapuz, for example, and that bloke who kept getting his balls out and the magnificence that is Jeff Archuleta – the oddly-bearded pushy stage Dad who won’t stop until he’s surpassed both Joe Simpson and Dina Lohan as the planet’s foremost child-destroying flesh-diner.

Plus Paula Abdul did some weird crap. And nobody saw that coming, did they?

But none of that matters any more, because American Idol has chosen its winner – David Cook. David Cook. You know, bland-looking chap. Nondescript voice. No memorable qualities whatsoever other than that he’s not that creepy wet-mouthed boy who cries a lot, looks as if he was born without any genitals and pretty much just creeps everyone out all the time. Yeah, him. Apparently he’s won American Idol. The New York Times reports:

David Cook, a sometimes sullen 25-year-old rocker from Blue Springs, Mo., was named the winner of “American Idol” on Wednesday, receiving 56 percent of the 97.5 million votes cast after Tuesday’s performances, easily defeating David Archuleta, a 17-year-old balladeer from Murray, Utah. It was in many ways a surprise victory. During Tuesday’s competition, all three of the program’s judges seemed to endorse Mr. Archuleta as the winner. To many in the 7,000-seat Nokia Theater here, Mr. Archuleta’s final performances were more electric. Simon Cowell… said Mr. Archuleta “came out here to win” and did so by “a knockout.”

As the winner of American Idol, David Cook now gets to release the surefire hit Time Of My Life, which won the annual American Idol Blandly Inspirational Ballad That Features The Words ‘Dreams’, ‘Believe’, ‘Rainbow’ and ‘Horizon’ Within The First 15 Seconds Competition. And then, after that, who knows what path American Idol will take him down?

Could David Cook become a global superstar who comes to resent his success like Kelly Clarkson? A role model for rednecks and the malnourished like Carrie Underwood? A twitchy failure like Taylor Hicks? Or will David Cook become a pregnant drug addicted jailbird like Jessica Sierra?

Now that American Idol has crowned him as the victor, it’s down to David Cook to choose which road he forges. The last one would be funniest, though. Hopefully he’ll do that. It’s not like we care.

Read more:

A Surprise as Fans Pick a 7th ‘Idol’  - NYT