They may be able to talk the talk – but can they really walk the walk?

Hollywood movies are littered with so-called tough guys. But take away their stunt doubles, green screens and fake guns and what do you have left? Nic Cage? He’s just a lanky streak of piss. Mel Gibson? Give me a break. Mark Wahlberg? Don’t make us laugh. Tom Cruise? Now you really are taking the piss.

Well, hecklerspray has come up with a list of Hollywood actors we think really could mix it with the best of them. These are Hollywood hardmen who really did live up to the name.

Enjoy! And if you have a problem with our choices, we’ll be waiting outside…

25. Kurt Russell

He’s the only Snake we like. In his heyday he could kick your ass with just one eye.

24. Bruce Willis

OK, so maybe we are getting carried away after watching the Die Hard series too many times – but what the hell.

23. Lee Marvin

He would slap you like a bitch.

22. Jason Statham

OK, so he would probably get his arse kicked by someone higher than a blue belt in karate, but we’ll let him off because he’s British and went out with Kelly Brook. What do you mean those are stupid reasons?

21. James Gandolfini

Whatever you do –don’t get on the wrong side of him.

20. David Carradine

Forget the fact the he died dressed as a lady in a cupboard with a string around his penis – he was in Kill Bill! Are you kidding?

19. Charles Bronson

You would have to have had a Death Wish to take on Charles Bronson in his prime.

18. Steve McQueen

There’s menace in those eyes of his – mark our words. It’s also just an excuse to see one of the best movie car chase scenes ever.

17. Chow Yun-Fat

He’s one Fat guy you would not want to tease.

16. Jackie Chan

It’s hard to think of Jackie Chan as a tough guy, but would you pick a fight with him?

15. Jack Bauer

Technically he’s a character and not a real person, so he probably shouldn’t be on this list. But are you going to tell him that?

14. Steven Seagal

Would have appeared higher but for a story we heard about the Divine Ponytail. Apparently, Seagal was always trash-talking Van Damme back in the day. But then one day while in a nightclub Van Damme had enough and offered Seagal out for a fight, which he backed out of. So it’s official – Seagal is not as hard as Van Damme.

13. Vin Diesel

Something tells us he’s all fart and no shit, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

12. Russell Crowe

OK, so he’s a complete knob. But you get the impression he can handle himself pretty well.

11. James Cagney

So he was a dwarf – but he was a streetwise one. You would not want to turn your back on him, that’s for sure.

10. Toshiro Mifune

A World War Two veteran, Toshiro is best known for his collaboration with filmmaker Akira Kurosawa in films such as Rashomon, Seven Samurai, Throne of Blood and Yojimbo. He’s also pretty handy with a sword.

9. Sean Connery

A former bodybuilder who even now at hundred and something could probably kick the crap out of most of the supposed Hollywood tough guys.

8. Clint Eastwood

You really would not want to get on the wrong side of Clint.

7. John Wayne

Embodied everything a Hollywood tough guy should be. Now shut up and drink your milk.

6. Jean Claude Van Damme

Would have been higher but for the fact he’s Belgian. Nobody from Belgium is that hard.

5. Jet Li

One scary bastard.

4. Dolph Lundgren

During the filming of Rocky IV, Dolph  - a former karate champion in his homeland of Sweden – hit Sly so hard he was put in intensive care.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger

OK, so he has become a bit of a joke. But laugh in front of him and it could be hasta la vista baby.

2. Bruce Lee

The greatest icon in martial arts cinema. Just was not quite as hard in real life as Chuck Norris, who had a beard and a hairy chest to prove that. But just for Bruce Lee fans, above is Lee kicking the crap out of a young Chuck Norris. Only in the movies…

1. Chuck Norris

There is nothing on this planet harder than Chuck Norris – it’s a fact. He’s the only man alive that could stage a military coup all on his own. And just to back that up, here are some FACTS about Chuck Norris, courtesy of chucknorrisfacts.com.
1. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
2. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognises the element of surprise.
3. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
4. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
6. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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The world of entertainment has lost another of its true greats, adding yet another name to the list of death in the last few months.

Following the hysterical splurge of affection for a man who just the day before was being mocked around the clock on Michael Jackson‘s death, through the shameful ignorance shown by the general populace on Steven Wells‘ death and after the rather embarrassing position David Carradine seemed to get himself into – before dying in said position – we have been left shocked by yet another loss.

Ozzy Osbourne‘s dog has been eaten by a coyote.

It’ll be alright – wipe away the tears.

The doddering metal god was saddened to learn that his little Pomeranian, Little Bit, was apparently eaten by a coyote. Why the animal thought Ozzy’s pointless excuse for a dog was something worth spending time killing we’re really not sure, but apparently that didn’t stop the demonic hound of hell.

But why didn’t the grandfather of darkness intervene and shake at the beast while swearing in an incomprehensible outburst to stop it from the (probably quite comedic to watch) mauling? Why, because he was watching the Michael Jackson memorial, of course.

So while Ozzy Osbourne was sat watching a tearful child, recently deprived of her father, speak publicly for the first time in her life – which happened to be to billions of people – one of his favourite pets was being torn to pieces by a naughty wild dog.

That’s quite possibly the saddest day that’s ever happened.

Here – look at something funny to cheer yourselves up… this will do.

A source told THE NEWS:

“Sharon and Ozzy love their dogs to bits. It’s like losing a family member. They are both devastated.”

And from the sound of things, the coyote loved it to bits too. Just for different reasons.

For anyone worried about the potential for wild animals to attack their pets – badgers are little fuckers, after all – the Department of Animal Services had these handy words at… hand:

“Wild animals are opportunistic, and coyotes fit this mould very well.”

Wild animals in ‘fitting the mould of wild animals’ shocker.

If Michael Jackson meets David Carradine in heaven – as unlikely as that’d be – he should expect a great big hug.

Why? Because thanks to Michael Jackson’s death, the world has forgotten about David Carradine and how he died in a Bangkok hotel cupboard wearing a lady’s wig, a set of fishnet stockings and a shoelace that was somehow tied and his neck and penis at the same time. So that’s good.

But David Carradine is back in the news again – a private pathologist has stated that he probably died of asphyxia. Funny, we had money on the cause being embarrassment.

You know David Carradine, the actor and apparent auto-erotic asphyxiation fetishist who appears to have died during a bout of auto-erotic asphyxiation gone horribly wrong? Yeah, turns out that asphyxia probably killed him. We know! We were shocked when we found out, too! We had his death down as either swine flu or a shark attack. Some experts we turned out to be.

However, it seems like asphyxia really was the cause of David Carradine’s death, because the private pathologist hired by the Carradine family said so, as AP reports:

The private pathologist who examined David Carradine’s body says Thai authorities have determined the actor died of asphyxia and so far, he agrees. Dr. Michael Baden says his examination of the “Kung Fu” star’s body and the details he’s received from Bangkok are consistent with an asphyxiation death. He conducted a second autopsy on Carradine’s body at the family’s request.

But hold on a second – don’t think that the mystery has closed just because a pathologist has stated the painfully obvious. Although he died of asphyxiation, nobody can say for sure whether David Carradine’s death was accidental and self-inflicted or, yes, if it was down to that rival kung-fu gang we’ve been hearing so much about lately.

True, the hotel’s CCTV doesn’t appear to show anyone entering or leaving David Carradine’s room in the hours before or after his death, but this is a rival kung-fu gang we’re talking about here. They could have somersaulted in through the window or burst through the ceiling armed with wigs, stockings and a shoelace long enough to tie around someone’s genitals and neck simultaneously or something. They’re the worst kind of rival kung-fu gangs – the ones with long shoelaces and an alarming sense of visual aesthetic.

Of course, in the coming weeks as toxicology and forensic test results are completed, we’ll all get a much clearer picture about the circumstances of David Carradine’s death and put all this grubby business behind us. When we said ‘a clearer picture’ just now, by the way, we weren’t talking about an actual physical picture of David Carradine’s death scene that we can all look at, because – you know – ugh. And stuff.

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Masturbation, quite clearly. But that hasn’t stopped his family from putting forward the theory that he was killed. By a Kung Fu gang.

Think of the most embarrassing moment of your life. Think of it, relive it, be there right now.

Bad, huh? Now fast forward a bit and imagine your 72-year old body being found in a Bangkok hotel room closet, naked but for a shoelace tied around your shrivelled old winky.

Puts that bachelor’s party into perspective, doesn’t it?

So, no wonder that David Carradine‘s family are going with the “he was murdered” line. To be honest, if it was us we’d hope that our relatives had the decency to claim we had “drowned in a bathtub filled with tramp’s piss while cleaning the underside of Susan Boyle‘s breasts with their tongue and listening to Coldplay albums” rather than “okay, okay, they choked on the bit of string they’d been using to heighten their masturbatory experience in an Asian hotel wardrobe“.

But the family haven’t stopped at simply proposing an explanation which doesn’t involve autoerotic asphixiation. They’ve put some thought into this. Sadly, that thought was “Hmm, David liked martial arts. He starred in a TV series and a Quentin Tarantino film about them. Maybe we could say he was practising an ancient Shaolin meditation technique? No, that’s ridiculous. Aha: Kung Fu assassination squads!”

Dear Sydney Morning Herald, what could possibly be going on here?

“David Carradine was murdered by a secret kung fu sect, his family has claimed. Relatives of the Kill Bill star believe he was “assassinated” because he was trying to expose an underworld martial arts group. Speaking on the Larry King Live US talk show, attorney Mark Geragos said: ‘David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies – absolutely.’

We’re no experts, but we just can’t buy this story. For a start, everyone knows ninjas kill people using knives, throwing-stars and slow-motion flying kicks. And for a finish, Carradine’s ex-wife filed for divorce partly on the grounds of his demands for:

“…deviant sexual behaviour which was potentially deadly”

Nice try. But let us at least hope that the world remembers David Carradine as the charming young star of stylish, action-packed blockbuster films.

And definitely not as a pensioner who died while tugging away at himself.

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David Carradine died exactly how he lived. That’s presuming, of course, that he lived naked in a cupboard with a shoelace tied around his willy.

Anyway, due to the circumstances of David Carradine’s death, dignity isn’t exactly in ready supply right now. It’s difficult to reflect sensibly on Carradine’s extensive body of work while knowing that he probably died during a bizarre wanking accident. Still, though, basic decency tells us that we should respect the dead however they died.

Alternatively, if you’re a Thai newspaper, you can just print pictures of David Carradine’s naked corpse. It’s sort of the same.

For the most part, the worst thing about the unexpected death of a celebrity is the speculation. Did Princess Diana die or was she murdered? Was Anna Nicole Smith offed by one of her entourage? Did Heath Ledger die because playing The Joker literally sent him mad? The lack of black and white facts in the immediate aftermath of the death tends to be a conspiracy theorist’s playground.

That’s happened a little bit in the wake of David Carradine’s unusual death last week – with sources variously claiming that it was a deliberate suicide bourne out of financial problems or a murder by, somewhat inexplicably, a rival kung-fu gang – but it’s by no means the worst part about his death. No, the worst part about David Carradine’s death was the fact that the body of a 72-year-old man was found swinging naked from a Bangkok hotel cupboard with a piece of string tied around his genitals – an upsetting, undignified way for anyone to die, let alone a genuine cultural icon.

And now even that’s not the worst thing about David Carradine’s death. Now the worst thing about David Carradine’s death is that a Thai newspaper has decided to print pictures of his naked corpse, as BBC News reports:

The family of Kill Bill star David Carradine has said it is “profoundly disturbed” after images of the actor’s body were printed in a Thai newspaper. The leaked pictures, which Thai police said are probably forensic photos, reportedly show the actor’s body in the Thai hotel room where he died. His half-brother, actor Keith Carradine, threatened legal action against any “invasions of privacy”.

Now, we’ve taken the decision not to publish or link to the photos of David Carradine purely on the basis that they’re photos of a dead old man in the nude, but it’s hard to see how the publication of the pictures benefits anyone at all. David Carradine’s family is furious, most of the public is bound to be a little unsettled and a newspaper can hardly expect to see a spike in circulation purely because it prints a photograph of a dead pensioner’s penis, can it?

Honestly, even though he was a man whose last major role involved dressing up like a horny Asian ganglord in a film where Jason Statham wears an electrified dog collar and shicks himself until he craps in his own underwear, this shows an absurd lack of respect to David Carradine. On the plus side, this has to be as bad as it gets now.

Unless, of course, it turns out that David Carradine picked The Greatest Hits Of Michael Bolton as his fatal masturbatory soundtrack. Because that really would be too much to take.

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There was no doubting David Carradine’s pedigree. He was an iconic actor. He had an iconic personality. People loved him.

So, following his death yesterday, which of these things will David Carradine most likely be remembered for? Sadly, it looks like it won’t be any of them. Not the way he almost single-handedly brought kung-fu to a western audience. Not his electrifying presence on stage and screen. Not his phenomenal charisma.

No, it looks as if David Carradine will be remembered for the being the old man who tied a shoelace around his willy and wanked himself to death. Bummer.

When news broke about David Carradine’s sudden death yesterday, there were a flurry of conflicting reports. Firstly it was claimed that Carradine died of natural causes, which sounded completely feasible – after all, he was a man in his seventies visiting a strange country. And, in a way, those reports were right. David Carradine did die of natural causes.

Because, come on, who hasn’t shut themselves in a hotel cupboard, tied a length of string around their neck and genitals and wanked themselves silly until they accidentally died? We know we have.

Sadly, bizarrely, that looks like it’ll end up being David Carradine’s official cause of death. The Telegraph reports:

Thai police are investigating the twin theories that the death was either suicide or a sex game gone wrong. Initially, police said they believed Carradine had committed suicide and were not seeking anyone else in connection with the death. However, there was no suicide note and an unnamed officer claimed the death may have been an attempt at auto-eroticism.

Of course, it could still be argued that David Carradine’s death was deliberate, given his long-standing belief that death would be nothing more than an ‘inconvenience’ and his unusual relationship with suicide. While writing his autobiography, for instance, David Carradine famously toyed with the idea of shooting himself in the head with his loaded Colt .45 daily, “just to see”.

But let’s be clear here – all the signs are pointing to a botched Michael Hutchence-style attempt at auto-erotic asphyxiation. Which is fine – if you’re going to take your death into your own hands, you might as well do it half-naked in a cupboard with a bit of string wrapped around your wrinkly old pecker – but it’s bound to overshadow everything else you’ve ever accomplished in your life.

As good as Kung Fu was, or Kill Bill, or his work with Ingmar Bergman, or his incredible age-defying physicality, will you be able to watch any of David Carradine’s old performances and not be constantly reminded of the fact that he’d one day wind up dead in Bangkok with his balls in his hands? It’s hard to say.

However, if Heath Ledger‘s death proved anything it’s that Hollywood loves an actor who can accidentally kill themselves in the nude. Maybe Carradine’s role as horny triad Poon Dong in Crank 2 will get that best supporting actor Oscar after all.

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Sad news – David Carradine, star of Kung Fu and Kill Bill, has been dead in a Thai hotel room. He was 73.

Details are still emerging about the death, initial reports are mixed – the official word at this time is that Carradine died of natural causes, although it’s also being suggested that he may have taken his own life. He was in Bangkok filming his latest movie Stretch.

According to David Carradine’s personal manager Chuck Binder has been first to pay tribute to the actor, calling the news “shocking”, while noting “He was full of life, always wanting to work… a great person.”