Masturbation, quite clearly. But that hasn’t stopped his family from putting forward the theory that he was killed. By a Kung Fu gang.

Think of the most embarrassing moment of your life. Think of it, relive it, be there right now.

Bad, huh? Now fast forward a bit and imagine your 72-year old body being found in a Bangkok hotel room closet, naked but for a shoelace tied around your shrivelled old winky.

Puts that bachelor’s party into perspective, doesn’t it?

So, no wonder that David Carradine‘s family are going with the “he was murdered” line. To be honest, if it was us we’d hope that our relatives had the decency to claim we had “drowned in a bathtub filled with tramp’s piss while cleaning the underside of Susan Boyle‘s breasts with their tongue and listening to Coldplay albums” rather than “okay, okay, they choked on the bit of string they’d been using to heighten their masturbatory experience in an Asian hotel wardrobe“.

But the family haven’t stopped at simply proposing an explanation which doesn’t involve autoerotic asphixiation. They’ve put some thought into this. Sadly, that thought was “Hmm, David liked martial arts. He starred in a TV series and a Quentin Tarantino film about them. Maybe we could say he was practising an ancient Shaolin meditation technique? No, that’s ridiculous. Aha: Kung Fu assassination squads!”

Dear Sydney Morning Herald, what could possibly be going on here?

“David Carradine was murdered by a secret kung fu sect, his family has claimed. Relatives of the Kill Bill star believe he was “assassinated” because he was trying to expose an underworld martial arts group. Speaking on the Larry King Live US talk show, attorney Mark Geragos said: ‘David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies – absolutely.’

We’re no experts, but we just can’t buy this story. For a start, everyone knows ninjas kill people using knives, throwing-stars and slow-motion flying kicks. And for a finish, Carradine’s ex-wife filed for divorce partly on the grounds of his demands for:

“…deviant sexual behaviour which was potentially deadly”

Nice try. But let us at least hope that the world remembers David Carradine as the charming young star of stylish, action-packed blockbuster films.

And definitely not as a pensioner who died while tugging away at himself.

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There was no doubting David Carradine’s pedigree. He was an iconic actor. He had an iconic personality. People loved him.

So, following his death yesterday, which of these things will David Carradine most likely be remembered for? Sadly, it looks like it won’t be any of them. Not the way he almost single-handedly brought kung-fu to a western audience. Not his electrifying presence on stage and screen. Not his phenomenal charisma.

No, it looks as if David Carradine will be remembered for the being the old man who tied a shoelace around his willy and wanked himself to death. Bummer.

When news broke about David Carradine’s sudden death yesterday, there were a flurry of conflicting reports. Firstly it was claimed that Carradine died of natural causes, which sounded completely feasible – after all, he was a man in his seventies visiting a strange country. And, in a way, those reports were right. David Carradine did die of natural causes.

Because, come on, who hasn’t shut themselves in a hotel cupboard, tied a length of string around their neck and genitals and wanked themselves silly until they accidentally died? We know we have.

Sadly, bizarrely, that looks like it’ll end up being David Carradine’s official cause of death. The Telegraph reports:

Thai police are investigating the twin theories that the death was either suicide or a sex game gone wrong. Initially, police said they believed Carradine had committed suicide and were not seeking anyone else in connection with the death. However, there was no suicide note and an unnamed officer claimed the death may have been an attempt at auto-eroticism.

Of course, it could still be argued that David Carradine’s death was deliberate, given his long-standing belief that death would be nothing more than an ‘inconvenience’ and his unusual relationship with suicide. While writing his autobiography, for instance, David Carradine famously toyed with the idea of shooting himself in the head with his loaded Colt .45 daily, “just to see”.

But let’s be clear here – all the signs are pointing to a botched Michael Hutchence-style attempt at auto-erotic asphyxiation. Which is fine – if you’re going to take your death into your own hands, you might as well do it half-naked in a cupboard with a bit of string wrapped around your wrinkly old pecker – but it’s bound to overshadow everything else you’ve ever accomplished in your life.

As good as Kung Fu was, or Kill Bill, or his work with Ingmar Bergman, or his incredible age-defying physicality, will you be able to watch any of David Carradine’s old performances and not be constantly reminded of the fact that he’d one day wind up dead in Bangkok with his balls in his hands? It’s hard to say.

However, if Heath Ledger‘s death proved anything it’s that Hollywood loves an actor who can accidentally kill themselves in the nude. Maybe Carradine’s role as horny triad Poon Dong in Crank 2 will get that best supporting actor Oscar after all.

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