The best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is Malwai getting to see what a leotarded vagina looks like.

No, wait, that’s disgusting. What we meant to say was that the best thing about Madonna going to Malawi this week is that her adopted son David Banda can meet his biological father Yohane for the first time since Madonna took him out of the country. Because, really, what’s the worst thing that can happen? David Banda not recognising Yohane and asking him who he is and why he’s so poor through an interpreter?

Oh, that actually happened? Awkward.

Adopting a child from another country can be an incredibly bittersweet affair. Although on one hand, you’re taking the child out away from a life of poverty, misery and a criminally low life expectancy, you’re also destroying part of their cultural heritage.

What’s more, for every moment of joy you derive from giving your new child a silly, made-up name, you’ve also got to cope with the moment of agony that comes when you realise that People paid more for Christina Aguilera‘s stupid baby photos than your own. It’s a ruddy minefield.

And that’s why you need to be delicate about it. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for instance, famously observe each of their children’s geographically-specific indigenous Christmas traditions. And Madonna, um, gives her children funny haircuts and then ignores their biological parents for so long that they completely fail to recognise each other on the rare occasion that they do meet. Which is sort of the same thing, really.

Madonna is currently in Malawi trying to adopt a girl called Mercy James – who is either a poverty-stricken orphan or, judging by her name, a feisty wild west prostitute – and she used this visit to briefly reunite David Banda with his father Yohane. It was a touching gesture, or at least it would have been a touching gesture if a) David Banda knew who his father was, b) spoke the same language as his father or c) managed to show even the slightest flicker of empathy for his father. Now quotes:

‘He asked me in English who I was and what I do. When I told him, “I am your daddy” he looked surprised. We spent three hours together… he played with my nose and although he did not know who I was he asked me lots of questions. He asked me why I am poor.’

Sadly the visit was cut short when David Banda mistook one of his biological uncles for a cocktail waiter, ordered him to scare up a Mai Tai while clicking his fingers, then went after him with a horsewhip when he didn’t instantly comply. This didn’t happen.

However, despite all the obvious awkwardness in the encounter – and the larger illustration of the heartbreak that foreign adoption can cause – Yohane Banda also said that he’s grateful that Madonna adopted David and saved him from ‘possible early death.’ He then hopped onto his gleaming new motorcycle and zoomed off to the jetski marina leaving a cloud of money in his wake.

This didn’t happen either. Probably.

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We’ve always maintained that African orphans are like Pringles, in that you can fit several of them in a tube.

No, wait, that’s wrong. We meant to say that once you pop, you can’t stop. Just look at Madonna – she’s already popped one African orphan. Adopted. We meant adopted. Just to clear that up, Madonna has in no way ever exploded a parentless African child. Those are just nasty, unfounded rumours. Let’s start again.

Having already adopted one orphan from Malawi, Madonna is said to want to adopt another one. There, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Honestly, sometimes…

Adopting David Banda was one of the best things that Madonna ever did. That’s partly because it was a selfless act of philanthropy and partly because the rest of the items in the Things Madonna Ever Did list are ‘having a creepy gap in her teeth’, ‘getting her fanny out in a book’ and ‘Shanghai Surprise‘ so the competition’s not exactly tough.

But although she battled arguments that she bent international adoption law and bullied a vulnerable father into giving up his son until finally the adoption was made official last year, Madonna has found that the shine’s come off having David Banda around, for the following reasons:

1 – He was just one poverty-stricken Malawian orphan out of hundreds of thousands.

2 - He was raised in part by Guy Ritchie, so he keeps saying things like ‘gor blimey’ and ‘luv a bleedin duck guvnor’ in a preposterous mockney accent.

3 - He’s almost four years old now, which we think makes him just a few months younger than the boy she’s currently dating.

So, with all of these things in mind, it’s been reported that Madonna is on the lookout for another African orphan to catch in her net and suck the youthful energy from. Or adopt, depending on what your definition of these things are. Reuters reports:

Madonna has applied to adopt a second child from Malawi, a High Court clerk said on Thursday, despite the controversy surrounding an earlier adoption by the U.S. pop star in the poor southern African country. She may visit Malawi in the next few days, a government official said earlier. The case will be heard around March 30, said the clerk.

It’s going to be tougher for Madonna adopt another African orphan, that’s for sure. True, she may have proved that she’s able to care for one baby – plus the multi-million dollar school she’s building in the country might grease a few palms – but the last time she adopted an orphan, Madonna was in a secure yet slightly nauseating marriage.

This time around Madonna has to prove that she’ll be able to look after a new orphan at the same time as looking after David Banda, looking after Lourdes, looking after Rocco and looking after her new boyfriend – who we hear is so young that he sometimes wets the bed and cries if he’s not allowed to watch Space Chimps on DVD at least twice a day. Like we said, tough.

But whatever happens, we’d advice other celebrities to hurry up if they want to adopt a foreign child. Angelina Jolie already has South East Asia locked down, and now with Madonna and Meg Ryan annexing Africa and China for themselves respectively, just about the only place left for celebrities to adopt if they want to be cool and unique is Merthyr Tydfil. And who’d want a Welsh baby? Ugh.

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Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna’s arm all veiny and crap – Madonna’s won her adoption case!

It’s been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna’s adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last – now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he’ll get taken away.

We’re just kidding. It’s disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.

David Banda is one lucky chap. Ever since Madonna chose him to be the subject of her faddish interest in international adoption, literally every aspect of his life has changed for the better. When he was in Malawi, David suffered through pneumonia, malaria and tuberculosis. But since Madonna adopted him, David’s been able to hang out with Guy Ritchie every day – and that’s only as bad as having pneumonia, malaria or tuberculosis. Yes sir, that David Banda is one lucky son of a gun.

And now David officially belongs to Madonna. When she initially won David in a Malawian Lucky Claw fairground game in 2006, various human rights groups claimed that Madonna had bent international adoption law to get him, that she was wilfully manipulating his easily-confused biological father and that he’d be nothing more than one of those accessories that Madonna gets bored with and ditches after a short while, like military berets or Sandra Bernhard.

As such, Madonna wasn’t fully allowed to adopt David Banda until the High Court in Malawi had deemed her to be a suitable mother. And now, almost two years later, that’s what has happened – Madonna has been given full adoption rights of David Banda. BBC News reports:

“We are very happy with what the judge has ruled,” Alan Chinula told reporters outside the courthouse in Malawi’s capital Lilongwe. “It is a positive and beautiful judgment that will have an impact on Malawi’s adoption laws,” Chinula said. “Finally the court has granted Madonna full adoption rights of the boy – it’s a long judgement but I am quite happy with it.”

So that’s it – David Banda is now officially Madonna’s son and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Finally, it means that Madonna can dress David Banda up as a glittery leopard and make him dance like a robot in her next video like she’s always wanted instead of having to pretend that she cares about Malawi all the time. Because, come on, that’s a snore and a half!

Oh, we’re only joking. Madonna is a very capable parent so we’re sure that she’ll remember to constantly remind David about where he’s from and the conditions that his less fortunate countrymen have to work in.

If she’s really smart, Madonna will also make sure that David doesn’t lose the ability to speak his native language either, because it’ll be a heartrending moment when David Banda returns to Malawi as a young man, sees his old playmates struggling to survive in the face of overwhelming odds, gently places a hand on the shoulder of disease-stricken local and says in fluent Chichewa, “You mean you people don’t have brand new toilet seats installed every time you need to shit? Fuck me, you’re disgusting! Mummy, take me home this instant, I feel all dirty.”

Madonna’s a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all.

And that means that nobody’s allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she’d gained permanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son.

But it didn’t happen – the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That’s not ideal for Madonna, but it’s even worse for David Banda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.

Since Madonna has a new album out and a world tour about to commence, you’d expect to see Professional Madonna out and about – you know, the age-defying pop icon with the bulging arms and the escapologist vagina.

But because the final ruling over her adoption of David Banda is due now, Professional Madonna has to keep transforming into Caring Mother Earth Madonna now and again – you know, the middle-aged woman with the veiny arms and the vagina that’s kept tucked neatly under her bed for special occasions.

And it’s the latter who’s on the loose at the moment, because we’re getting to the time when we’ll discover if David Banda – the little semi-orphan that Madonna adopted from Malawi in 2006 to great controversy – gets to stay with Madonna forever or if he’ll have to fly back to Malawi again and live the rest of his short life as a kind of social pariah because he once lived in the house of the woman who’s come to be known locally as Claw-Faced Vagina Lady.

In fact, we were supposed to know the outcome of Madonna’s adoption process today, but thanks to the Malawi High Court’s decision to postpone its decision, we’ll have to wait until next week. BBC News reports:

A court in Malawi has delayed its final decision on whether Madonna can have permanent custody of a three-year-old boy until next week. The pop star began adoption proceedings for David Banda in October 2006. A social worker from Malawi has already recommended that the pop star be able to keep the child in London. Simon Chisale said the singer and husband Guy Ritchie had “shown a strong commitment in providing the infant with all essential needs”.

Simon Chisale does have a point there – David Banda hasn’t gone wanting for anything since he’s been under Madonna’s care. Kabbalah bracelets, macrobiotic grains, secondhand obscene leotards, crates of unsold Swept Away DVDs – whatever David Banda wants he gets, so long as it’s in that list of stuff we just gave you.

The social worker’s endorsement of Madonna will go a long way to making sure that she’s allowed to look after David Banda forever, but the questions about whether or not international adoption laws were bent while acquiring him will remain.

Let’s just hope that the Malawi court makes its decision quickly, because then Madonna can continue with her plan to divorce Guy Ritchie as soon as possible. We don’t know if that is her plan, by the way, but we assume it is. He is Guy Ritchie, after all.

Read more:

Madonna custody hearing postponed – BBC