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Daughter

Heath Ledger Might Have A Secret Love Child Knocking Around

by Stuart Heritage

You never know when you’ll die, but we have a feeling that we’ll be around for a few more years thanks to our lack of illegitimate love children.

Because, without an illegitimate love child there’ll be nobody around to contest our will and heap even more emotional suffering on our already distraught loved ones. And that’s as big a part of death as toe-tags and scratching on the inside of your coffin at your own funeral.

Luckily though, Heath Ledger was ready for death because if reports are to be believed, Heath Ledger fathered an illegitimate love child when he was 17. Now, finally, perhaps people can start gracelessly squabbling over Heath’s estate in a way that’s uncomfortable to watch. About time too, if you ask us.

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Richie Sambora Busted For Glug-Glug Vroom-Vroom No Daddy No

by Stuart Heritage

As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora’s life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts.

But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him.

And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That’s just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.

As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora's life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts. But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him. And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That's just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.
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Halle Berry’s Baby’s Aunt Quite Pleased That Baby Exists

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Halle Berry’s finally got round to giving birth to that baby of hers, there’s just one question that still needs to be answered.

Is it ‘what’s the gender of Halle Berry’s baby?’ because we know it’s a girl. It’s not ‘what’s the name of Halle Berry’s baby?’ either, because she hasn’t got round to telling anyone yet.

No – the big question pertaining to Halle Berry’s new baby is ‘but what does Halle Berry’s boyfriend’s sister make of the birth?’ And we’ve got the answer to that one after the jump. Alternatively you could just re-read the headline – there’s a clue in the title.

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Halle Berry Squeezes Out A Baby Girl

by Stuart Heritage

At the last count, Halle Berry has been pregnant for somewhere around the 16-year mark or so.

But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn’t even got a name yet.

Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it’s even better news for her neighbours – now that she’s had her baby, Halle’s obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.

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Heath Ledger’s Will Fairly Light On Daughter Mentions

by Stuart Heritage

Above all else, Heath Ledger’s death was a lesson for us all that we should all get our affairs in order before we accidentally overdose on a deadly cocktail of prescription medicine while naked.

Because Heath Ledger didn’t do that at all, which means his daughter Matilda has been left out of his will completely.

But rather than tear the Ledger family apart, as is usually the case when a celebrity dies with an out-of-date will, Heath Ledger’s father has said that Matilda is the family’s highest interest and that she will be ‘looked after’. At least we think that’s what he said. He was a little out of breath from shovelling all those shoe boxes of cash underneath the floorboards at the time.

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Harry Potter Gunning For Madonna’s Daughter

by Stuart Heritage

Remember how much your mother used to embarrass you in your youth, even though she was essentially just a normal, good-natured woman trying to do the best by you? Just imagine if your mother was Madonna.

Because your Mum probably hasn’t writhed around in a skintight leotard or kissed Britney Spears with tongues or marketed a book all about how her minge and tits look. Well, your Mum has, obviously – but most people’s Mums haven’t. However, all that stuff is Madonna’s stock in trade, so we’re fairly surprised that her daughter Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon hasn’t actually become so embarrassed that she’s burst into flames yet. But since Lourdes hasn’t self-combusted out of shame, it’s thought that she must have some sort of magical power – exactly the sort of magical power that’s reportedly caused the producers of the next Harry Potter movie to offer her a role in it.

Remember how much your mother used to embarrass you in your youth, even though she was essentially just a normal, good-natured woman trying to do the best by you? Just imagine if your mother was Madonna. Because your Mum probably hasn't writhed around in a skintight leotard or kissed Britney Spears with tongues or marketed a book all about how her minge and tits look. Well, your Mum has, obviously - but most people's Mums haven't. However, all that stuff is Madonna's stock in trade, so we're fairly surprised that her daughter Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon hasn't actually become so embarrassed that she's burst into flames yet. But since Lourdes hasn't self-combusted out of shame, it's thought that she must have some sort of magical power - exactly the sort of magical power that's reportedly caused the producers of the next Harry Potter movie to offer her a role in it.
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