Poor ol’ Bobby Brown. Here we have a man who has had a reasonably successful career, hoovered up endless amounts of narcotics, babbled like a complete simpleton and lived the life of a particularly debauched king… however, he didn’t get the ironic kudos now enjoyed by Charlie Sheen.

And while Bobby Brown transfixes his cold, lifeless eyes on the papers, he will eventually gain clarity enough to focus on a picture that appears to show his daughter – the one he had with Whitney Houston – snorting cocaine.

Of course, Bobby and Whitney weren’t exactly squeaky clean, but as a parent, this kind of thing must be rather upsetting, presuming that he’s able to generate tears that is.

Whitney and Bobby’s daughter – Bobbi Kristina – has flatly denied using cocaine. The photos appeared earlier in the week and it certainly looked like she was hovering over a flat surface with lines of powder on it. That might have just been dried plaster that had fallen off her wall and she was merely inspecting it. It might be that. It’s probably that. Yes.

Bobbi Kristina has actually spoken about the snaps on her Twitter page, saying that she was set up by an ex-boyfriend who wanted a quick buck.

“The pictures – a former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes… But it’s really not what it looks like… People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I’m very hurt by this”

“Things people do these days to hurt others is a shame. All I can do now is keep my head up high, keep looking towards the lord”

The lord, it seems, has the best unspecified powder and the smoothest of surfaces in which to appear to brace oneself for a nice toot. Thanks Lord!

And, after that vaguely erudite confessional, what does her fine, upstanding father have to say on the matter?

Despite knowing absolutely nothing, Bobby Brown is absolutely certain of things.

He says:

“I don’t know anything about that…I don’t know anything. My daughter doesn’t do that”

So there you have it. This is a story about someone looking like they’re doing drugs, but they weren’t… and a story about a man who doesn’t know anything, but does.

Bobby Brown has an album coming out soon but no-one will buy it so there’s no point in us telling you what it is called and when it is released.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.

Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.

If gender transition surgery is anything like we imagine, then pretty soon Chaz Bono is gonna be laying unconscious on a table with current-conducive wiring connecting a tank full of electric eels to the little metal bolts on either side of his heavily stitched penis. That’s because Chastity Bono has decided she needs to be a man.

We just want her to know it takes more than a blood-filled skin flap to be endowed with masculinity. No – she’s gonna have to sign up for football throwing lessons. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if she started chewing tobacco for a few years post-op. That way everybody will know she’s really serious about the whole thing.

How do you think her mother feels about the whole thing? After all, when Chastity initially came out as not-straight her mom had a hard time with it. Not this time though – this time Cher is fully supportive. That’s why she’s having a urinary track embedded in her nose to prep it for a daughter’s-crotch donation, if you catch our meaning. We’ve studied the matter, and anatomically that’s actually quite plausible.

Plausible maybe, but not true. Here’s a direct Cher quote to clear things up:

“Chaz is embarking on a difficult journey, but one that I will support. I respect the courage it takes to go through this transition in the glare of public scrutiny, and although I may not understand, I will strive to be understanding. The one thing that will never change is my abiding love for my child.”

When asked what would happen to Chaz’s discarded ovaries, Cher hinted silently with her eyes:

“I don’t know what Chaz will do with them, but if they end up in my possession I fully intend to  fill them full of grandbabies.”

The singer failed to elaborate on just how that would happen. Maybe if she sewed them into a sterile monkey and slowly lowered it into an oozing vat of donor sperm.

Science could probably do that, you know. They really probably could.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

It’s been a week since Jennifer Garner went to hospital to give birth to Ben Affleck’s baby – so what was the hold up?

We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.

Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.

Technically Jennifer Garner has been in hospital waiting to give birth to her second child since last year, which seems like an inordinately long time for something that most women manage with nothing more than 45 minutes and a stick to bite down on.

We don’t know why Jennifer Garner spent so long in hospital. It certainly doesn’t seem like she was experiencing any complications, so we’ll just presume that the baby took its time and all the old midwife tricks – like trying to violently shake the baby out or tying an uncooked steak to Jennifer Garner’s thigh and waiting with a net – didn’t work.

But the whys and then hows don’t matter any more, because Jennifer Garner has finally given birth to a baby girl that’s completely healthy aside from however much of Ben Affleck’s DNA she decided to absorb on the way out. Reuters reports:

Actress Jennifer Garner gave birth to her second child in Los Angeles on Tuesday, People magazine reported. The baby girl, whose name was not disclosed, was healthy, People quoted a spokesperson as saying. No other details were provided.

This is the second child for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck – their first daughter Violet was born in 2005, and is now educationally developed enough to tactfully change the subject every time one of her peers brings up Gigli.

However, even though it’s taken a full week of what we imagine to be relentless vein-popping straining, any joy that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck feel towards the birth of their new daughter is bound to be tinged with bitter disappointment. After all, Rebecca Romijn also gave birth this week and, since she named her babies Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip, it means that Jennifer Garner’s baby isn’t even going to have the second-silliest celebrity baby name of the week.

That’s unless Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner can pool their resources and dig deep to think a name even more staggeringly dreadful than those of the Romijn twins. It’s a hard job, and we’re sure Affleck and Garner would appreciate your suggestions in the comment box below. We’ll get the ball rolling with Rhododendron Clusterminge.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

If you ever wanted to be famous, why not take a leaf out of Levi Johnson’s book and knock up the teenage daughter of a high-ranking politician?

It seems to work – a few days ago, nobody knew who Levi Johnson was. And now, just because he happened to get vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin‘s underage daughter pregnant out of wedlock, you literally can’t get away from him. Seriously, he’s been in newspapers, magazines, on TV – and this morning we swear we saw Levi Johnson on a billboard advertising Sunny Delight, accompanied by the slogan ‘So good it’ll make you want to grow a mullet and have unprotected sex with a teenage girl, too!’

And, perversely, Levi Johnson seems to have only made Sarah Palin more popular. Barack Obama must be kicking himself – why can’t he find a nice young redneck to get one of his daughters pregnant too?

Sorry Democrats, we know you’ve put Diddy on the case, but not even his star wattage can help you now. Not now you’re up against the mighty Sarah Palin. She’s literally unstoppable.

Why? Because for a start she’s pretty. Not pretty pretty, mind you – politician pretty, which is basically where anyone under the age of 65 who doesn’t look like a greying testicle counts as stunningly attractive. Secondly, Sarah Palin loves guns and the death penalty, meaning that middle America would only love her more if she was biologically a monster truck. And thirdly, her teenage daughter sounds a bit slutty and careless.

As you’ve probably heard, Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant. A pregnant teenage unmarried daughter? What a genius career move – Sarah Palin has essentially done a Jamie Lynn Spears. If you’re wondering, doing a Jamie Lynn Spears is much smarter than doing a Britney Spears, although not as smart as doing a Vanessa Hudgens.

Sadly Sarah Palin knows who the father of her daughter’s unborn illegitimate baby is, otherwise they could have done an episode of Maury about it and wrap up the election right now. The father of the baby is Levi Johnson, an ice hockey player who described himself as a ‘fuckin’ redneck’ on his now-defunct MySpace page.

And right now Levi Johnson is probably wondering what the hell he’s got himself into.

Not only is he (probably) being railroaded into marrying Sarah Palin’s daughter so that Palin can show everyone how pro-life and pro-heterosexuality and pro-redneck she really is, but Levi Johnson’s also been forced to go to the Republican National Convention this week, too, according to his mother. People reports:

Sherry Johnston told reporters that Levi left Alaska on Tuesday to fly to St. Paul, Minn., according to the Associated Press… Asked to respond to reports that the young couple had been pressured to marry, Sherry Johnston replied, “Absolutely not.” She said that Levi and Bristol had plans to marry even before they learned that Bristol was pregnant.

So, thanks to a moment of thoughtlessness, Levi Johnson now gets to spend the best part of a week hanging round with a load of dusty old men who only talk about tax cuts and immigrants. The message is clear – kids, wear a condom. That sounds worse than chlamydia.

Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later.

Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice.

This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning Matt Damon is now the (presumably) proud father of three daughters, the newest one to the clan being named, in a trademark celebrity cruel-o-fashion, Gia Zavala. Oh well, at least it isn’t a new brand of carpet or anything.

Luciana Damon, Matt’s wife no less, is originally from Argentina though so there’s a possible explanation for the name there. Maybe they aren’t as cruel as we initially thought…

Nevertheless, there is a new sprog to add to the pile and surely some money to be made from the pictures that will inevitably get sold off to the highest bidder, as we all know. Unless, of course, Matt exercises some show of integrity and doesn’t force his newest daughter to become a mercenary from birth.

But we cannot judge every celebrity that decides to use their gametes to make new people with the same judging stick we use on everybody’s favourite celebs Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. For maybe – just maybe – there may be a family in the spotlight that manages to retain some semblance of normality.

One that doesn’t feel the need to adopt everyone from everywhere, join whatever fashionable religion is passing by that looks cool or sell their own children out for some quick kudos points. Like we said – maybe. As in: ‘most likely not though’.

We can live in hope. The fact that the birth of the new Damon wasn’t announced with a huge amount of fanfare can give us all some extra faith that maybe, just possibly, this may mark a new beginning in the world of celebrity births. That the kids won’t immediately be whored out. That we can look at genuine news publications without being confronted by the images of some fleshy little bags that we can’t tell apart.

This is the world we want to live in, and this is the world that Matt Damon can help to create. Hopefully.

Speaking to E! Online, Matty uttered the following – possibly while looking disheveled and scared (but still sexy), and unfortunately not covering whether or not he would be changing the world as we know it:

“I’m so outnumbered down here, it’s crazy.”

Fortunately Matt’s Bourne training can come into play if the four girls ever get out of hand. A swift book to the throat is sure to calm any rowdy family down, that’s for sure. Not that we’d condone that kind of behaviour of course, we’re merely stating a known fact.

Reports that Bono is said to be eyeing up another godfathering role are said to be grossly exaggerated. Obviously that is the point when we’d start condoning the use of Bourne-like force to stop someone in their tracks.

Wow – imagine hitting that Irish prat with a book. It would be a dream come true.

This is a joyous day, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever – it's the day when Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.

That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.

Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?

You hear that? That's the sound of Nicole Kidman not banging on about all the babies she wants. Blissful, isn't it? Because, honestly, for a while there we didn't think she'd ever stop. Any time Nicole Kidman opened her mouth over the last couple of years it was either baby this or pregnancy that or upsetting miscarriage blah blah blah. Watch The Golden Compass in reverse and you'll hear Nicole Kidman say "I want a bloody baby!" at least 17 times.

But now, nothing. That's because Nicole Kidman has given birth to her first biological baby, a little girl named Sunday Rose. Don't laugh – it's perfectly traditional for Australians to name their first-born children after something a pensioner would name a canal boat.

Anyway, Nicole Kidman gave birth to Sunday Rose yesterday morning in Nashville, and right now everything seems to be a picture of unbridled joy, as People reports:

"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.

Oh really? Nicole Kidman really had a baby, did she? You'll have to excuse our cynicism but we feel it's justified – throughout Nicole Kidman's pregnancy we don't think a single person even saw so much as a glimpse of her baby bump. Doesn't Nicole Kidman know that you're supposed to paint your swollen belly orange and whack it out in a magazine if you're a pregnant celebrity? That's the only way anyone ever believes you.

Anyway. We swear to god, we'd better be blogging about celebrities in the year 2026, because it's going to be a vintage year for gossip. Halle Berry's kid will turn 18, Jessica Alba's kid will turn 18, J-Lo's kids will turn 18, Christina Aguilera's kid will turn 18 and now Nicole Kidman's kid will turn 18 as well. Statistically, at least one of them is bound to grow up to be a drug-ravaged sex fiend, right?

But it probably won't be Nicole Kidman's baby. That's because Nicole has made no secret of her desire to raise her children in private on a tiny Fijian island away from the glare and bitter temptation of Hollywood.

It's also because Sunday Rose is made of 50% Keith Urban genes. If anything she'll be a booze-ravaged sex fiend.

Everyone has their own way of mourning the dead, but we can all agree that becoming creepily attached to the deceased's used underwear is perfectly normal.

That's why we're not going to judge Larry Birkhead, even though he's just decided that the best way for Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn to remember her mother is to spend $2,800 on bits of her sexy lingerie at a charity auction.

Of course, Larry Birkhead isn't going to just give Anna Nicole Smith's underwear to Dannielynn right away – he wants to wait until she grows up first. Because if he gives it to her now she'll be far too young to develop any decent long-lasting psychological scars, and where's the fun in that? No, that's why Larry Birkhead is keeping Anna Nicole Smith's lingerie in a safe place for the time being – on his face while he sleeps. Or he isn't. Don't quote us.

Anna Nicole Smith may have died 16 months ago, but she'll always be with us – just so long as those who knew her keep doing all kinds of mental crap that freaks the living cocks out of us on a regular basis.

Which, to be fair, they are. If they're not squabbling over who got Anna Nicole Smith pregnant, they're allegedly having gay sex with everyone or trademarking creepy little phrases that they said to her while she slept or trying to sell videos of Anna Nicole Smith's breast enlargement operations. So thank you, everyone – you're making sure that we never forget what a scary, clownfaced, barely-coherent, drug-bloated star of light erotica Anna Nicole Smith really was.

But what if none of that actually creeped you out all that much? What if you've always wanted to feel your skin crawl when thinking about Anna Nicole Smith, but you've never managed it? Don't worry – Larry Birkhead feels your pain. That's why he's bought a lot of Anna Nicole Smith's sexy underwear at auction and plans to let her daughter Dannielynn play with it.

There you go – your skin's crawling away like a good'un now, isn't it. Feel free to even let out a disturbed yelp or two as well if it helps. E! Online has more:

Baby daddy Larry Birkhead is looking forward to showing 1-year-old Dannielynn the lingerie he purchased at a celebrity auction on Saturday night, a pink bustier (bought for $1,800) and white negligee (bought for $1,000) once worn by the late model for a Playboy photo shoot. Smith's onetime boyfriend said he wants to make sure the young heiress has something to remember her mom by.

Actually, that makes quite a lot of sense – aside from a crateful of empty prescription medication bottles, perhaps sexy underwear really is the best way for Dannielynn to remember Anna Nicole Smith.

One day, when the baby has reached an appropriate age, Larry Birkhead can sit her down on her knee, show her the lingerie and explain that the shiny clothes are what mommy used to wear to hide her crippling emotional dependency on others. It will be a touching moment, although a quick blast of that video where Anna Nicole Smith has it off with a maid in the bath would have probably achieved the same result and saved Larry a few thousand dollars.

This time a year ago, Jamie Lynn Spears was an innocent girl with her whole life wonderfully ahead of her.

She was skinny and popular, she had her own TV show, and more importantly she probably had no idea what her boyfriends winky-woo could have possibly looked like.

Fast forward to now & she's seen it up close. She's likely learned much about the male anatomy – including maybe penal-width & length averages in various countries and also maybe how to untangle a man's special-hairs from his pants zipper. That had happened to us twice by her age – it's actually quite common. We were like a dolphin caught in cruel Japanese fishing nets.

Oh – another difference for her from right now to this-time last year is that little Spears has just become an official mother. They cut her open and let Simba's monkey lift the baby up for all to see.

The giraffes, reportedly, were unimpressed

Well, Britney's little sister did it. She proved conclusively that if you want something bad enough you can really make it happen. Now that she's realized the dream she first had in a tenth grade homeroom class – and had a baby – it's unclear what other future goals she has to strive for. Maybe she'll have another baby by 18.

The Associated Press gives us more specifics:

"Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl Thursday morning at a south Mississippi hospital, according to a friend of the Spears family. The friend, who asked not to be identified because the family had not yet announced the baby's birth, told The Associated Press that the baby was named Maddie Briann and weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces."

Reports pre-birth that came earlier today stated the young Spears wouldn't be able to birth the old fashion way – she was gonna need a C-Section. As Monsters & Critics put it:

"According to reports, the 17-year-old actress – who is expecting her first child with fiance Casey Aldridge – has been told by doctors she will have to undergo the procedure after an ultrasound picture showed the baby was in the breech position. If Jamie Lynn does not have the C-section, she could put the baby's life in danger as it would be born upside down, and its oxygen intake would be restricted."

All this baby talk reminds us of the time we thought we were pregnant. We got rushed to the hospital, put our legs in the stirrups, and just after a nurse yelled 'it's crowning,' a komodo dragon reached out and chewed off the doctors head.

It ends up the thing burrowed up there on a camping trip we took to komodo-country.

Komodo-country is just east of the Hamptons.

It's actually pretty dangerous & a lousy vacation.

To read more, see "It's a girl for Jamie Lynn Spears" on Reuters

Fact: all women want to sleep with David Tennant, even though it’s quite likely that he keeps pulling his tedious ‘look how zany I am’ faces during intercourse.

And by ‘all women’ we literally mean ‘all women’. All women want to rub offal with David Tennant, even ones he’s related to. Even his own daughter. Even David Tennant’s own daughter wants to have it off with David Tennant.

What? Oh, OK, not David Tennant’s actual daughter, but the girl who plays David Tennant’s daughter on Doctor Who. Apparently Tennant and his 23-year-old Doctor Who co-star Georgia Moffett are secretly doing it. And without the whole incest angle to go on that’s pretty dull. She’s young enough to be his daughter, does that count?

We’re not gigantic fans of Doctor Who round these parts, but it seems clear to us that the show is hell-bent on self-destruction at the moment. Remaking Titanic with Kate Winslet‘s part played by a facially-paralysed midget was bad.

Casting Catherine Tate – the only human who pulls more self-consciously wacky faces than David Tennant himself – so that if you now watch an episode of Doctor Who on mute it looks like a serious drama about two people silently trying to use their tongues to dislodge wads of pork from between their teeth was worse.

But now Doctor Who has a daughter. A long-lost daughter. A long-lost daughter who’s never been referred to in 45 years and who does high-kicks and backflips and has a perky go get ‘em attitude to life. Basically, at some point in the past, Doctor Who fathered Scrappy Doo. Think of a worse idea. You can’t, can you?

But while Doctor Who’s daughter seems like a cynically focused-grouped way of scoring yet another Doctor Who spin-off – like Torchwood and K-9 and The Sarah Jane Adventures and The Remarkable Escapades Of That Extra Who Stood Near A Bus Stop For Two Seconds Once In 2006 – at least it’s made David Tennant happy.

That’s because David Tennant and Georgia Moffett, the 23-year-old actress who plays his on-screen daughter Jenny, are totally doing it. Hello reports:

Love has blossomed on the set of the latest series of Doctor Who between the star of the show, David Tennant, and 23-year-old actress Georgia Moffett. A friend of the actress has confirmed that Georgia, who has a six-year-old son, has been out on a series of dates with David, and that the pair have been meeting at each other’s homes in order to avoid being spotted by fans of the show.  “It started with some friendly dinner dates but it has progressed quickly and they are now in a serious relationship,” the friend revealed.

Awww, how sweet is that? We’ve always maintained that nothing is more romantic than when a man falls in love with a girl who’s 14 years younger than him and plays his own daughter on a family TV show. It’s just adorable.

Of course, this relationship between David Tennant and Georgia Moffett might affect the future episode that she was scheduled to appear in, because the sexual chemistry between the two of them might bubble up and put the country off its chips. Especially if David Tennant has his way and makes it so that the final scene of the episode shows the Doctor regenerating.

All over his daughter’s tits.

Sorry.

Look at his hair, or listen to his pointless band, and you wouldn’t assume Richie Sambora to have a very astute sense of self-awareness.

But, hey, threatening a man with prison for being a terrible father tends to make people snap to attention. Which is why Richie Sambora has pleaded guilty to DUI after police arrested him for swerving about the highway like a pissed-up ninny.

And, thanks to the magic of the plea deal, Richie Sambora’s sudden bout of guilt means that he’s got away with three years probation instead of a jail sentence. It’s a win-win for all involved – lessons have been learned, the crowded prison system gets one inmate less to deal with and Richie Sambora’s daughter gets three solid years of ostentatious presents from her father as he attempts to buy back her love after he drove around with her while drunk. Heartwarming.

It’s no wonder that Richie Sambora has alcohol issues – if we had to listen to Bad Medicine night after night we’d have turned to the bottle long ago too, and he has to actually play the bloody thing – but there’s a comes a time in every man’s life when they stop being the kind of fun drunk who’ll wake up on the kitchen floor and can’t remember why they’re dressed as an Iranian prostitute and become the sort of drunk who’ll drive around hammered with their 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.

And for Richie Sambora, that time came last month. Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI on the Pacific Coast Highway after police noticed his Hummer swerving from lane to lane. That’s bad enough as it is, but throw in the fact that Richie Sambora’s daughter and another girl were passengers in the car and ‘bad’ instantly becomes ‘vastly mornic’.

As a result of the arrest. prosecutors wanted to haul Richie Sambora up on a child endangerment charge. However, thanks to insufficient evidence, they just had to make do with plain old DUI – something that Richie Sambora’s only too happy to admit. And now Sambora’s been sentenced for it, as BBC News reports:

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has been sentenced to three years’ probation after admitting to driving under the influence of alcohol. The 48-year-old pleaded no contest, prompting the judge in Santa Ana, California to drop a second charge. Sambora, who was not at the court hearing, will also have to attend first offender alcohol awareness classes… Sambora is forbidden from having any measurable quantity of alcohol in his system while driving as a condition of his probation.

So Richie Sambora, who just admitted to driving while drunk, can’t drive drunk any more? What a novel punishment. Still, at least it’s only for three years, after which we can presume that Richie Sambora is free to get shitfaced on whatever he likes right before he goes for a pootle.

However, Richie Sambora’s real punishment will be having to live with the fact that he drove drunk with his daughter in the car – one of the stupidest things a parent can do. That’s penalty enough for any man.

Plus, now Richie Sambora has avoided jail, which is good because it means that Bon Jovi are free to tour the world and record new albums and… hang on a minute, that isn’t good at all. That’s literally the worst outcome possible. Arse.

Read more:

Drink-drive sentence for Sambora - BBC

You never know when you'll die, but we have a feeling that we'll be around for a few more years thanks to our lack of  illegitimate love children.

Because, without an illegitimate love child there'll be nobody around to contest our will and heap even more emotional suffering on our already distraught loved ones. And that's as big a part of death as toe-tags and scratching on the inside of your coffin at your own funeral.

Luckily though, Heath Ledger was ready for death because if reports are to be believed, Heath Ledger fathered an illegitimate love child when he was 17. Now, finally, perhaps people can start gracelessly squabbling over Heath's estate in a way that's uncomfortable to watch. About time too, if you ask us.

The sense of shock felt when Heath Ledger died earlier this year resonates even now. But, as is only natural, the shock has evolved and adapted over time. Now the gut-punch that accompanied initial reports of Heath Ledger's death have been replaced with a range of more nuanced reactions.

Yes, there's anger that a young man with such a bright future was snatched away from us in his prime. There's also possibly hyperbolic praise of Heath's work – his turn as The Joker in The Dark Knight will be one of the most praised of the year regardless of the actual quality.

And then, of course, there's greed. Pure, flat-out frothing-at-the-mouth greed. That's an important one.

The potential for things to go severely wrong reared its head a fortnight ago when it transpired that Heath Ledger's daughter wasn't in his will because he wrote it prior to his relationship with Michelle Williams. However, that was all put right when Heath's family promised to look after Matilda and Michelle. Snafu averted.

Or at least it would have been averted if only Heath Ledger had remembered to keep it in his pants when he was a schoolboy. Because now there's apparently a Heath Ledger love child running around with an eye on half of Matilda's inheritance. Metro reports:

Ledger had an affair with a 25-year-old woman when he was a 17-year-old schoolboy, according to reports by Sydney's Daily Telegraph newspaper. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair. Ledger's uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: "There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father." Another family source said: "She had the baby. Everyone lived under the assumption that she was the daughter of the mother's boyfriend and that is how she has been brought up."

Let's not forget that some quarters of Heath Ledger's family are still angry about the way that Heath Ledger's father dealt with his own father's inheritance, so this love child story could simply be an invention designed to sully reputations and anger other family members.

If it's true, though, and Heath Ledger did have an illegitimate daughter then the child could be entitled to a large slice of his inheritance. And as we all know, there's only one way to determine a the paternity of a child. It's thought that Maury's being airlifted to Australia now for this very purpose. Well, either that or one of Heath Ledger's relatives is a secret transsexual who wants to surprise their boyfriend. Maury's good for both.

Read more:

Did Heath father a secret love child? – Metro 

As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora's life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts.

But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him.

And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That's just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.

If Richie Sambora could learn one thing from being in Bon Jovi, it's that driving along a road is a suitable metaphor for life. Crossroads, Lost Highway, Seat Next To You, Born To Be My Baby, It's My Life – all songs that very clearly state that life is like a road. However, hardened Joviists – once their brain medication wears off – will be able to tell you that not one of these songs mentions veering about this road all shitfaced with a terrified ten-year-old girl in the passenger seat.

Richie Sambora needs to do some boning up on the wisdom of Bon Jovi, in that case.

Although Richie Sambora's struggles with alcohol are well known, possibly stemming from having to balance having the world's most complicated love life with being in the world's most fist-gnawingly awful band, up until now he'd managed to avoid combining getting hammered on booze with bombing around in a car with his own daughter in it.

But on Tuesday night that's exactly what Richie Sambora was arrested for. The New York Daily News reports:

Rocker Richie Sambora could face criminal charges of child endangerment after being busted on a DUI charge Tuesday night. Cops in Laguna Beach, Calif., tell us they're investigating whether there's enough evidence to hold the Bon Jovi guitarist responsible for putting his 10-year-old daughter, Ava, and another child at risk. Police pulled over Sambora, 48, at 10:52 p.m. on the Pacific Coast Highway after spotting his car "weaving within lanes," Laguna Beach Sgt. Jason Kravetz tells us. "The officers smelled alcohol on his breath and did several field sobriety tests. He failed [all of them] and was arrested."

Richie Sambora is due in court on May 7, although he's yet to be charged with anything pending results of a blood test. If the tests do test positive for alcohol, though, the extent of Sambora's fall from grace will be immense. Of all the boneheaded things you could possibly do, weaving around on a road drunk with your own child on board is right up there with trying to dislodge pieces of biscuit from plug sockets with your tongue and, well, being in Bon Jovi.

Hopefully this arrest will have some long-term benefits, though – the shock should be enough to sent him back to rehab where he can take his recovery seriously. Plus if Richie Sambora ends up going to prison, Bon Jovi won't be able to release any more albums for a while. Great – if only more acts we didn't like seriously endangered the lives of their own children while drunk. Oh Johnny Borrell, when will you have children just so you can almost drive them into a tree?

Read more:

Richie Sambora busted for DUI – New York Daily News 

Now that Halle Berry's finally got round to giving birth to that baby of hers, there's just one question that still needs to be answered.

Is it 'what's the gender of Halle Berry's baby?' because we know it's a girl. It's not 'what's the name of Halle Berry's baby?' either, because she hasn't got round to telling anyone yet.

No – the big question pertaining to Halle Berry's new baby is 'but what does Halle Berry's boyfriend's sister make of the birth?' And we've got the answer to that one after the jump. Alternatively you could just re-read the headline – there's a clue in the title.

Celebrity mothers have it harder than most new mothers, you know. Whereas the traditional routine for a new mother involves a few weeks of stumbling around the house in an insomniac fug dressed in a puke-covered dressing gown and resenting your partner's reproductive system, celebrities have to get back in shape immediately for the magazine cover shoots and the How To Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back fitness DVDs and the front cover of the inevitable I Tried To Smother My Baby In Its Sleep postnatal depression self-help book. 

So sometimes celebrities are too busy to deal with the minutiae of motherhood. Take Halle Berry, for example. Halle Berry gave birth to her baby daughter on Sunday, but as far as we know she hasn't got round to naming it yet. And if Halle Berry hasn't done that yet, then she's hardly likely to comment on her feelings about the baby, is she?

It's clearly Halle Berry's time to delegate, then. But who can Halle trust to give an accurate account of the delicate mix of overwhelming emotions that she's currently experiencing in the first few days of motherhood? Her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry? Hardly – look at him. You can't be that chiseled and smouldering without being as dumb as a bag of sand. Halle Berry's own parents? No. Aubry's parents? No? Friends?

No way – not when Gabriel Aubry's Quebec-based sister is on the scene to recount her own feelings. Well, not 'on the scene' exactly. Unless Quebec is the scene. Is Quebec the scene? Probably not. Anyway, fans of hearing what a woman who's never met the baby thinks of the baby she's never met should read the hell on:

"I was so happy when I found out," Eugenie Aubry, 36, tells PEOPLE about the new baby girl born on Sunday to Halle Berry and Eugenie's younger brother, Gabriel Aubry. "It's been a long time since we've had a new baby in the family," said Eugenie. "It's very exciting." While she has yet to meet her brand new niece, the Canadian resident was thrilled to hear that new mom Halle has been practising her language skills. "I'm a Quebecer, and it's great that she is learning how to speak French," Eugenie says. "I'm glad that the little one will speak French, too." 

What do you mean that the largely positive reaction to a baby's birth by a woman who's related to the baby but has never met it hardly counts as news? What are you, stupid? It was on People magazine's website, so it's obviously news. 

Plus, it has to be news because we've just commissioned a comprehensive 48-part series of reports on everyone who Halle Berry is slightly related to and what they think of the baby, and we don't want to look like fools. So stick around tomorrow for the scorching baby opinions of Halle Berry's second cousin's uncle's wife's niece twice removed. SPOILER ALERT – she thinks the baby's a shithead.

Read more:

Halle Berry Boyfriend's Family 'So Happy' About Baby News - People 

At the last count, Halle Berry has been pregnant for somewhere around the 16-year mark or so.

But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn't even got a name yet.

Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it's even better news for her neighbours – now that she's had her baby, Halle's obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.

Staying alive until the year 2026 has just got a whole lot more enticing. Before, all we had to look forward to was the opening of the DLR to Charing Cross and the advent of Vinge's Singularity whereby humans will become slaves to their robot masters forever, but they've just been blown out of the water by the competition between Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and Halle Berry's unnamed daughter to become the most beautiful human being in all of creation.

Up until yesterday Shiloh looked like a dead cert for the title, but now Halle Berry and her male model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have just produced a baby girl the field has been blown wide open. Unless by some quirk of genetics Halle Berry's baby is exceptionally ugly. She might be for all we know – as E! Online reports, Halle Berry's keeping details of the baby close to her chest for the time being:

The Oscar winner and her model boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, welcomed a daughter Sunday in Los Angeles. This is the first child for Berry, who has not yet announced her new arrival's name. The actress is "doing great," according to her rep.

That's it. Wouldn't have taken much to add "the baby looks normal" or "the baby is remarkably ugly" to the statement but, nooo, Halle Berry's probably too busy 'recovering' and 'caring for the new baby' to think about us. Typical.

No doubt Halle Berry is experiencing that extreme mixture of joy and total abject fear that comes with giving birth to a child, but in the past Halle Berry said that she enjoys being pregnant so much that she'll let Aubry knock her up again as soon as possible. That is, unless she gave birth naturally, because if that's the case she's probably still in the 'you're never putting that thing anywhere near me again' stage.

No doubt there'll be all kinds of exclusive baby photo deals with magazines in the coming weeks so we can all see what Halle Berry's baby looks like – early rumours suggest that it probably looks exactly the same as every other baby ever born – but what about the name?

Well, we have some sad news to report. Halle Berry wants the new baby to be an Aubry and not a Berry. That's an insane choice to make, because now it won't be nearly as funny if Halle Berry calls the baby Kerry or Geri or Cherry or Mary or Teri or Cherie. But, nooo, Halle Berry's obviously too busy 'thinking of the longterm benefit of her child' to provide us with three seconds of mild amusement. Selfish bitch.

Read more:

Halle Berry Baby Time - E! Online 

Above all else, Heath Ledger's death was a lesson for us all that we should all get our affairs in order before we accidentally overdose on a deadly cocktail of prescription medicine while naked.

Because Heath Ledger didn't do that at all, which means his daughter Matilda has been left out of his will completely.

But rather than tear the Ledger family apart, as is usually the case when a celebrity dies with an out-of-date will, Heath Ledger's father has said that Matilda is the family's highest interest and that she will be 'looked after'. At least we think that's what he said. He was a little out of breath from shovelling all those shoe boxes of cash underneath the floorboards at the time.

If you ever want a perfect example of how to balls up your own death, look no further than James Brown. As sad as it was when James Brown died, it was nothing compared to the revelation that he had about 700 children and they all wanted a slice of his money. While they fought over the will, James Brown rotted away unburied in a corner of his house.

And, as Heath Ledger was often known as 'the white, Australian, young, unfunky, non-musical James Brown' before his death in January, it was only natural that he'd have an equally out-of-date will. As it turns out, that was completely the case. According to reports Heath Ledger's will was written in 2003, long before he got together with Michelle Williams or had his daughter Matilda.

As such, the will splits all of Heath Ledger's assets between his parents and siblings, missing out Williams and Matilda completely. However, knowing that raising a baby on the acting salary of Michelle Williams alone would result in starvation and probably death, Heath Ledger's father has stepped in to promise that Matilda will get her rightful share. MSNBC reports: 

After documents filed in Manhattan Surrogate's Court revealed that Heath Ledger's will left all his assets to his parents and siblings, the Ledger family is speaking out. "Matilda is our absolute priority and Michelle is an integral part of our family," Heath's father, Kim Ledger, said in a statement to the media. "They will be taken care of and that's how Heath would want it to be." … Ledger's rep quickly put to rest any speculation that Matilda and Michelle Williams would not be provided for, telling People, "The story is getting taken out of context and media is speculating that this means Matilda and Michelle will not be taken care of. I want to make it very clear nothing could be farther from the truth."

And that's it. No lengthy legal battles, no whispers of conspiracy, no reported videos of gay sex. Just a nice, normal, friendly agreement that makes quite a lot of sense for everyone involved. It's disgraceful. Everyone knows that when a celebrity dies, the surviving relatives should spend at least a fortnight tugging on the limbs of the corpse trying to get a bigger slice of the estate. That's the law.

And because that didn't happen, we're going to have to stop thinking of Heath Ledger as a celebrity at all. Not like Anna Nicole Smith who, according to our freakishly impaired logic, is now more famous than Jesus and Elvis Presley combined.

Read more:

Michelle Williams, toddler not in Ledger’s will – MSNBC