Poor ol’ Bobby Brown. Here we have a man who has had a reasonably successful career, hoovered up endless amounts of narcotics, babbled like a complete simpleton and lived the life of a particularly debauched king… however, he didn’t get the ironic kudos now enjoyed by Charlie Sheen.
And while Bobby Brown transfixes his cold, lifeless eyes on the papers, he will eventually gain clarity enough to focus on a picture that appears to show his daughter – the one he had with Whitney Houston – snorting cocaine.
Of course, Bobby and Whitney weren’t exactly squeaky clean, but as a parent, this kind of thing must be rather upsetting, presuming that he’s able to generate tears that is.
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We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.
Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.
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It’s been a week since Jennifer Garner went to hospital to give birth to Ben Affleck’s baby – so what was the hold up?
We’re pretty sure that it was one of the following two scenarios: 1) Jennifer Garner’s baby refused to come out until it was promised a helicopter and a suitcase of money, and an FBI negotiator had to talk it down to a scooter and a shiny penny, or 2) Jennifer Garner’s baby realised that Ben Affleck was its father and decided to stick it out in the womb.
Either way, Jennifer Garner had a baby girl yesterday. So there.
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If you ever wanted to be famous, why not take a leaf out of Levi Johnson’s book and knock up the teenage daughter of a high-ranking politician?
It seems to work – a few days ago, nobody knew who Levi Johnson was. And now, just because he happened to get vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin‘s underage daughter pregnant out of wedlock, you literally can’t get away from him. Seriously, he’s been in newspapers, magazines, on TV – and this morning we swear we saw Levi Johnson on a billboard advertising Sunny Delight, accompanied by the slogan ‘So good it’ll make you want to grow a mullet and have unprotected sex with a teenage girl, too!’
And, perversely, Levi Johnson seems to have only made Sarah Palin more popular. Barack Obama must be kicking himself – why can’t he find a nice young redneck to get one of his daughters pregnant too?
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Matt Damon has gone and done that thing where he gets a woman pregnant and she shoots out his spawn a few months later.
Had a kid – that’s the one. We even told you about the pregnancy, as we’re nice.
This newest one brings his tally up to three of the little blighters, meaning Matt Damon is now the (presumably) proud father of three daughters, the newest one to the clan being named, in a trademark celebrity cruel-o-fashion, Gia Zavala. Oh well, at least it isn’t a new brand of carpet or anything.
Luciana Damon, Matt’s wife no less, is originally from Argentina though so there’s a possible explanation for the name there. Maybe they aren’t as cruel as we initially thought…
Nevertheless, there is a new sprog to add to the pile and surely some money to be made from the pictures that will inevitably get sold off to the highest bidder, as we all know. Unless, of course, Matt exercises some show of integrity and doesn’t force his newest daughter to become a mercenary from birth.
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This is a joyous day, a momentous occasion that will change the world forever – it's the day when Nicole Kidman can stop whining about not having any babies.
That's right, Nicole Kidman has given birth to her baby, a little girl she's inexplicably decided to call Sunday Rose. Nicole Kidman's new daughter was born in Nashville yesterday morning, and other than that details are vague – for instance, we don't know if Sunday Rose takes after her mother and has ginger hair and an immobile face, or her father and is an alcoholic.
Best of all, we're almost completely certain that this report is 100% accurate and not an Angelina Jolie-style hoax because, well, who cares about Nicole Kidman enough to make up lies about her?
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Everyone has their own way of mourning the dead, but we can all agree that becoming creepily attached to the deceased's used underwear is perfectly normal.
That's why we're not going to judge Larry Birkhead, even though he's just decided that the best way for Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn to remember her mother is to spend $2,800 on bits of her sexy lingerie at a charity auction.
Of course, Larry Birkhead isn't going to just give Anna Nicole Smith's underwear to Dannielynn right away – he wants to wait until she grows up first. Because if he gives it to her now she'll be far too young to develop any decent long-lasting psychological scars, and where's the fun in that? No, that's why Larry Birkhead is keeping Anna Nicole Smith's lingerie in a safe place for the time being – on his face while he sleeps. Or he isn't. Don't quote us.
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This time a year ago, Jamie Lynn Spears was an innocent girl with her whole life wonderfully ahead of her.
She was skinny and popular, she had her own TV show, and more importantly she probably had no idea what her boyfriends winky-woo could have possibly looked like.
Fast forward to now & she's seen it up close. She's likely learned much about the male anatomy – including maybe penal-width & length averages in various countries and also maybe how to untangle a man's special-hairs from his pants zipper. That had happened to us twice by her age – it's actually quite common. We were like a dolphin caught in cruel Japanese fishing nets.
Oh – another difference for her from right now to this-time last year is that little Spears has just become an official mother. They cut her open and let Simba's monkey lift the baby up for all to see.
The giraffes, reportedly, were unimpressed
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