Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Damn it, Demi Lovato.? I know you have had some rough patches in your life, but I thought you got past all that.? I hoped you were done making terrible decisions with your life (outside of your hair.? You still make stupid choices there, not gonna lie).
But noooo.? You just had to post a lovely dovey selfie on Twitter reminding the world that you not only used to dry hump?one of the douchiest men in Hollywood, but that you are still letting your crotch call the shots in your life.? Ugh.
Let’s face it, if you only read one celebrity story this week, it really should be this one. Sit back, relax, pop on your limited edition casette single of ‘Unbreak My Heart’, get The Nutty Professor on your DVD player and have a psychiatrist on standby because this is going to blow your tiny mind.
Eddie Murphy is dating Toni Braxton.
Yeah.
Justin Bieber talks directly to God. Justin Bieber also thinks that “rape happens for a reason” as well. That invariably means we shouldn’t trust a vowel that dribbles out of that tiny week-old mouth of his.
He’s Canadian too. They’re all like Americans without the whole ‘inventing rock ‘n’ roll’ thing.
Anyway, Justin Bieber likes talking to the ether and pretending that God talks back to him. Presumably God advised that Bieber got a tattoo on his leg of Jesus. Sadly, God didn’t tell him to go to a decent tattoo parlour and JB is left with an image of what appears to be the lead singer of Nickelback on his calf.
If there’s one thing worse than a bad thing happening to a celebrity, it’s a bad thing happening to a non-celebrity that is in some way related to a celebrity. Take for example, the dreadful news that Justin Bieber’s grandparents are nearly dead.
You’ll be forgiven for thinking ‘all grandparents are nearly dead’, but you must remember that Bieber is a matter of hours old. So young is JB that his grandparents could justifiably be 23 years old or something.
No. They’re nearly dead because they’ve been in a car crash. This can only mean one thing…
Spare a thought for Justin Bieber this Christmas won't you? It's not because he's can't reach high shelves and get to his presents early. Instead, he's still got mentalist stalker Mariah Yeater claiming that he leaked some sperm inside of her and created a baby.
Instead of this matter being kept private due to its libel claim, it's great to know that Mariah Yeater has become something of a minor celebrity out of the whole ordeal. With various magazine and TV interviews, the money Yeater received will probably be used to pay damages towards Bieber when the negative result comes back on the DNA test.
Even though there are more holes in Mariah Yeater?s story than a blind cowboy, she's back again to protest how she's the innocent victim in all of this. Tristyn , the stupidly named child in question will be able to tell all its classmates in the future that he has a mentalist for a mother. We should say ‘allegedly’ now. Allegedly at absolutely everything.
Hey! Justin Bieber fans! Beliebers! Are you looking forward to Christmas? Are you? Have you been good this year? Are you hoping Father Christmas brings you Justin’s Christmas album to you on Christmas Day?
He won’t. He definitely won’t. Not a rat-in-an-arse’s chance kiddo!
That’s because Santa isn’t real. Yep. Big shock to us too. Who spoiled every Christmas, forever? Why, if it isn’t Bieber himself, who wants us all to know that the Yuletide period is one long sham. How appalling. Apparently, it’s all his stupid mother’s fault.
It seems years ago Mariah Yeater made the unbelieble (!) claim that Justin Bieber had spaffed a viable sperm into her vulva resulting in a tiny little yodelling girl/boy-child growing in her womb when, to look at him, you couldn't imagine he'd progressed as far as having sex with Lady Palm and her five inexperienced clammy sisters.
There's been paternity tests and no-one?s known what to think until convicted criminal, current resident of the Big House, Mariah Yeater?s ex and beacon of truth Robert Powell (not that one) has revealed that actually HE is the father.
Yes really.
Stalkers of genuinely interesting people who warrant obsessive behaviour were thought to be applauding the actions of Thomas Brodnicki last night, as the aforementioned botherer of Selena Gomez asked for permanent, legally-binding non-contact with a woman few people have actually heard of.
There had apparently been genuine fear amongst the terrifying community of medicated borderline-schizophrenics that their actions would be belittled if someone were to grab headlines for stalking somebody virtually-unknown.
Fortunately Thomas has recently requested that the temporary restraining order granted against him last year be extended indefinitely, presumably to prevent him from the further embarrassment of pestering someone non-famous as all his mental friends mock him with infra-red images of the inside of Angelina Jolie?s house and long-lens footage of Daniel Craig tea-bagging Rachel Weisz. We imagine.
Don't recognise the name of the person in the article heading? Don't worry, most people don't either. It's only when you mention that she's the alleged bearer of Justin Bieber?s child that causes people?s ears to prick up.
In a strange way, we kinda like this paternity situation because Bieber went totally badass on her. He must have grown some balls or at last spouted a few pubes as he has promises to sue her for spreading these rumours.
Alas, the DNA test seems to be taking bloody ages to come back, which seems odd. We wouldn't have thought that a few samples of a spit could take so long to analyse, especially given that Bieber is hardly old enough to have formed that much DNA. If they were British, they?d have the results fairly rapidly thanks to Jeremy Kyle. He can do them in 20 minutes, like developing Polaroids. Assuming that Bieber was able to maintain and use and erection, he will be thrilled to hear that his bundle of baby is allegedly living with a mother who takes drugs. Shock! Horror!
When a baby is born via parents no longer together, it isn’t uncommon for a Jerry Springer style argument to develop, with penis owners shouting ‘Well, it ain’t mine that’s for sure, you womanly leech!’
Justin Bieber is no different, looking at the whole situation and shrugging ‘I haven’t even met the girl! No way. Nuh-uh.‘
Apart from, that is, the ex-boyfriend of Justin Bieber’s alleged baby harvester, Mariah Yeater, who has NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND AT ALL (apart from the vague doubts in his mind) that the baby is his and, he so certain, he wants to take a DNA test to prove it. Roll on child support payments from whoever!
