In 1492 when Axl Rose was first granted permission by Spanish royalty to seek out a shorter trade route to India, he set out at an eager pace.

Instead of trade routes, however, he discovered the Americas. When his foot first set on the western world’s sandy shores he swore a solemn vow to one day release an album to honor that occasion. He gave a title – Chinese Democracy. A strange name for the album’s occasion, if you ask us.

But alas, he certainly has taken his time in fulfilling that oath. He has been busy though – what with all that ending slavery, covering all of WWII with a warm blanket of peace, and flying to the moon in a rocket-ship he built himself just for the self satisfaction of beating Neil Armstrong to it. Also he translated the bible back to the original Greek. He never took credit for the latter.

But apparently he’s cleared his schedule – because a Chinese Democracy release date has reportedly been set.

It wasn’t so long ago that Axl Rose’s legal team sucked the marrow from the bones of some kid who posted most of Chinese Democracy online without anybody’s permission. Before that he told Rock Band 2 they could steal as many of his songs as they wanted. Before that he said concretely that he was a Mr. Pibb man, and definitely never intended to ever be anything else.

Most recently though, Rose said he’s finally ready to unleash his musical infant-opus on the global public. Well, technically he didn’t say that – but people close to him have. According to Billboard.com:

“More than a decade after its conception, Guns N’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” will finally see the light of day before year’s end, sources close to the situation confirm to Billboard. As first reported here, the set will be a Best Buy exclusive and will be available Sunday, Nov. 23, rather than the usual Tuesday.”

Well that’s probably good news for several people. As for us, we’re more looking forward to the album he puts out after Chinese Democracy. We’ve heard working titles are: Don’t Be Afraid To Drink Chinese Milk Anymore, Hey kid – You Sucking on A Chinese Toy? Well By Gum Keep Doing It, Sorry Your Pets Died Eating Chinese-made Pet Food, But They’ve Got It Under Control Now, or some other title that’ll never ring true.

Somebody get that guy a Grammy shelf.

Supposedly there to promote Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has actually ended up having to sit in a room with her co-stars and listen to them carping on about all the secrets of her pregnancy. First Jack Black accidentally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins, and now Dustin Hoffman has apparently revealed that her babies are due to be born on August 19.

But that’s nothing, because Angelina’s other Kung Fu Panda co-star Jackie Chan refuses to be outdone – and you’ll discover why just as soon as he’s finished bronzing his 30ft papier mache representation of what the inside of Angelina Jolie’s dilating cervix looks like.

Privacy has always been of the utmost importance to Angelina Jolie. It’s this need for privacy that made her continually deny that she was having it off with Brad Pitt when everyone knew she was, and it’s also the reason why she’ll get the secret service on your ass if you ever tinker with her photos.

But it’s Angelina Jolie’s children who are the most fiercely protected. Angelina Jolie wants their upbringing to be as normal as possible, which is why she gives them regular-joe names like Zahara and Pax Thien and keeps them shielded from view at all times except for when she needs them for multimillion dollar magazine cover photos.

So imagine how rubbish Angelina Jolie must have felt earlier this week when Jack Black accidentally revealed that Angelina Jolie was having twins to the four sensory-deprived Eskimos who didn’t already know that Angelina was pregnant with twins, forcing an awkward confirmation out of Angelina.

And if that’s not bad enough, Angelina Jolie’s other Kung Fu Panda co-star Dustin Hoffman has apparently tried to trump Jack Black by revealing the exact day that her twins will wriggle out of her bum, or however childbirth works. People reports:

Apparently one of the most-discussed topics at this year’s Cannes Film Festival is Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy… Fellow costar Dustin Hoffman revealed her due date as Aug. 19 – and the Today show passed along the news Thursday morning – but it’s more likely that Jolie will give birth prior… “I’m very happy,” said Jolie, 33, according to Today. “Unlike most women, I love being pregnant.”

Yeah, screw you most women! Not only is Angelina Jolie prettier and richer than you with a better-looking boyfriend and a cavalcade of noble humanitarian pursuits, but she also loves being pregnant. You? You just sit around watching Jeremy Kyle and complaining that you’ve got tit-ache. Shame on you all!

Anyway, as People said, we shouldn’t take Dustin Hoffman’s proclamation of Angelina Jolie’s due date as gospel. Chances are he was just lightly satirising the media’s prolific hunger for information about celebrities’ private lives. And it’s this razor-sharp wit and lightness of touch that made Hoffman’s Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium such a golden box office smash. Ahem.

Read more:

Angelina Jolie’s Summer Baby Plans – People

He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level – not even a tonguing – and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.

When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.

Scarlett Johansson is a different kettle of fish. Manfa can’t even afford a kettle, and certainly shouldn’t be trusted with the responsibility of caring for fish, especially in a kettle. She’d be so off her face on crack that she’d forget that this kettle was being used as a makeshift fish sanctuary and flip it on in preparation of sterilising a few needles and as she curls up on the floor in an all-too-short-lived foetus of ecstasy there’s gonna be fish carnage on her hands. 

But not Scarlett Johansson; one trip to the cinema with her is worth a lifetime of bumming Manfa, according to eBay username bossnour. Some other people wouldn’t be so quick to judge – Manfa does have a few perks, especially for the more aggressive fellow – and it’s probable that bossnour was not even made aware of Manfa’s services. Marie Claire reports:

The UK-based user, named bossnour, won the online auction, set up to benefit Oxfam, after beating off 695,183 interested parties and 170 other bids. The 10-day sale ended yesterday, and the fortunate fan will accompany Johansson to the premiere of her upcoming movie, He's Just Not That Into You in Los Angeles in June. 

Be that as it may, a trip to the cinema is a metaphorical mile away from Scarlett Johansson’s bumhole – just imagine what she could charge? The money, which has been donated to Oxfam, would be astronomical. Geldolf can put as many popstars on the global stage as he wants, but if Scarlett was to donate her ass to Oxfam, after about five years of honest donation, poverty would be history.

Read more:

Scarlett Johansson's $40,100 date - Marie Claire